Corinne's Blog

That awesome thing is my boyfriend’s Christmas Letter, Apparently he started this tradition last year, it’s really amazing.

I think I should do something like that, write a letter to my friends on Christmas.

It’s actually pretty brilliant and I’ve learned a lot about what David values from it…it’s all really interesting.

anyway…Christmas is over and it really sucked for me but I don’t feel like talking about that now.

I took the time to calculate my expenses for the year of 2012 to see how much money I’ll need to make a month to save up to buy a car, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a second job…Here’s what I calculated:

December:

Rent- $350
Cellphone- $60
Food- $20
29th or 30th- Tuition Plan Enrollment Fee $300

Total: $730 Dollars
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800

= +$70
________________________________________________________
January:

Rent-$350
Cellphone- $60
Tuition Payment- $315
Bus Card- $84
Food- $20

Total: $829
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800

=$-29
________________________________________________________
February:

Rent-$350
Cellphone- $60
Tuition Payment- $315
Bus Card- $0
Food- $20

Total: $745
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800

=+$55
_________________________________________________________
March:
Rent-$350
Cellphone- $60
Tuition Payment- $315
Bus Card- $0
Food- $20

Total: $745
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800
=+$55
________________________________________________________
April:
Rent-$350
Cellphone- $60
Tuition Payment- $315
Bus Card- $0
Food- $20

Total: $745
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800
=+$55
________________________________________________________
May:
Rent-$350
Cellphone- $60
Tuition Payment- $315
Bus Card- $0
Food- $20

Total: $745
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800
=+$55
_______________________________________________________
June:
Rent-$350
Cellphone- $60
Tuition Payment- $315
Bus Card- $84
Food- $20

Total: $829
Income Minneapolis Kids: Approximately $800
=-$29
________________________________________________________

So I have been asked quite a bit since last week what I want for Christmas. I know that my aunt Rana is getting me clothing because she all out called and asked me my shirt size.

I know that Cynthia hasn’t picked out a gift for me because she posted it that she hadn’t just an hour ago.
Tyler has been waiting for me to locate my old wish list from last year.
Eric never gets me a gift.
and Tiffany will probably get me something that she thinks will make me happy but I will never be able to use. Like the orchestra hall voucher she got me last year that I still have sitting in a drawer for a special time…it reminds me of how much I miss playing violin on a regular basis.

I haven’t seen Evan in years and my mother will probably get me a bus card or money…something practical.

Anyway, I was thinking over what I’d actually want this year and honestly if it isn’t in the form or money to pay my bills and a car I can’t think of much I want rather than need right now.

But I did find my old Christmas wish list and since my family didn’t get me much of what I wanted from there last year I’m trying at some of these things again…it’s amazing how much my tastes have changed and how much I’ve gotten myself in this last year that I don’t need to worry about anymore.

So here is the new list: (In no particular order)

1. True Blood Season 1/The Walking Dead : Because I’ve seen them all and I’m addicted

2. David Michael Howe: Because apparently he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me and I’d really like him to!

3.Little House on the Prairie (any Season): Because it is one of my favorite shows

4. A New MP3 player: Because It would be nice to not have to carry my computer around everywhere I want to hear music.

5. A gift certificate to somewhere to get my hair done: Because I miss having manageable hair and I know I’ve been putting my head through hell…getting my hair professionally done would just make me happy again!

6. A Clothing dresser: On a more practical note this is something I’ve really needed recently.

7. A giftcard to target: Because it is really easy to find anything you want and need at Target

8. A New or 2nd part time job: Can someone give a gift like this that keeps on giving? I need more money in order to save for a car and pay of my tuition without starving.

9. A ring or a Bracelet: Because I like GOLD!

10. A new set of headphones: The ones I’ve been using recently broke and I could really use a new paid.

11. Money: Duh.

12. An all expenses paid trip to Anywhere but here: So I can get a much needed vacation.

13: Socks: Because I keep losing the ones I’ve bought for myself.

14:Bras: Because they are expensive and I need new ones

15:New Boots: Because my Soles are coming off on my left foot. (Crazy that I just got a new pair and this has happened to them in less than 3 months)

16: A bottle of Nair: I’m being practical here and this is in general for hair removal (because girls get hairy too!)

17: A subscription to Interview Magazine: Because I like the pictures.

18: A Cable subscription: Because television is fun to watch and I like wedding shows.

19: A new camcorder: Because my camera broke awhile ago and I haven’t had the money to replace it.

20: Any Brilliant Romantic Comedy that has come out that you think I don’t own: because they are worth it.

21: Any of these books from Carl Hiaasen’s Collection :

• The Downhill Lie,
• Flush,
• Hoot,
• Paradise Screwed,
• Team Rodent,
• Kick Ass,
• Lucky You,
• Death in China,

So I can Finish my Carl Hiaasen Collection.

22. A new bike: Because mine is old are hard to deal with.

23. A mega Bus Pass: To save me money on my daily commute to and from work and to school…or instead 84$ so I can invest in the school’s megabus pass.

24: A Car: …Enough said.

25. Two person playing games:  I have scrabble and that’s about my only 2 person player game…I have apples to apples which needs more than two people which I have no use for.

26: Toilet Paper, Lotion and Laundry Detergent:  Because I’m poor and can’t afford these things regularly…which is sad!

27: A new Digital Camera: Because I love taking pictures and my old one has gone missing

28.: A large Case of LEMON Tea: still my Favorite!

29.A digital Picture Frame: Because i Don’t want to have to use facebook all the time.

30. A Wristwatch: On the more practical side because I really need one, I use my cellphone but I’d like to be able to look at my wrist once again for the time.

31. More Books:

Something Borrowed – Emily Giffin

Plot: Rachel Miller and Darcy Rhone have been best friends since childhood. They’ve shared birthdays, the horrors of high school and even boyfriends, but while Darcy is the sort of woman who breezes through life getting what she wants when she wants it, Rachel has always played by the rules and watched her stunning best friend steal the limelight. The one thing Rachel’s always had over Darcy is the four-month age-gap which meant she was first to being a teenager, first to drive, first to everything …but now she’s about to be first to thirty. And Darcy still has a charmed life.
On the eve of her thirtieth birthday, Rachel is shocked to find herself questioning the status quo. How come Darcy gets a glamorous job at a PR firm and the perfect boyfriend, while Rachel grinds away at her despised job as an attorney and remains painfully single. Is it just luck? Or, looking back at their friendship and their lives together, is it a bit more complicated than that?
Then an accidental fling complicated everything, and it’s time for Rachel to make a few hard choices. And she’s forced to learn that sometimes true love comes at a price…
My Opinion: Everyone has had a friend that they’ve been jealous of, but Rachel has more problems then most! This is a well written book that most women will relate too, and it contains a gritty, gripping love story too. Well worth a read!
Price: $5.58 at amazon.com

The Forgotten Garden – Kate Morton

Plot: In 1913, a little girl arrives in Brisbane, Australia, and is taken in by a dockmaster and his wife. She doesn’t know her name, and the only clue to her identity is a book of fairy tales tucked inside a white suitcase.
When the girl, called Nell, grows up, she starts to piece together bits of her story, but just as she’s on the verge of going to England to trace the mystery to its source, her grandaughter, Cassandra, is left in her care. When Nell dies, Cassandra finds herself the owner of a cottage in Cornwall, and makes the journey to England to finally solve the puzzle of Nell’s origins.
Shifting back and forth over a span of nearly 100 years, this is a sprawling, old-fashioned novel, as well-cushioned as a Victorian country house, replete with family secrets, stories-within-stories, even a maze and a Dickensian rag-and-bone shop. All the pieces don’t quite mesh, but it’s a satisfying read overall, just the thing for readers who like multigenerational sagas with a touch of mystery.
-Mary Ellen Quinn
My Opinion: This book made me cry, laugh and fall in love with the main character, and by the end it feels like you were there every step of the journey. A brilliantly written and very inspiring book!
Price: $17.16 at amazon.com

32.  Two and A half Men: Any Season

33. The rest of the Roger and Hammerstein Collection:

34. Guitar Hero for Wii

35. A subscription for free fruit delivered to my door.

36. Bones: Seasons 1 &2

37. Movies on Dvd: Preferably the ones located on my favorite movies section on my facebook page:

Ceremony The Accidental Husband Reality Bites Happy Ever Afters A Lot Like Love The Five-Year Engagement Friends with Benefits Beauty and the Briefcase Brave Camille (2008) Dances with Wolves Singin’ in the Rain Beauty and the Beast A Life Less Ordinary Superbad North by Northwest DiCaprio/Hanks ‘Catch Me If You Can Forgetting Sarah Marshall 28 Days Later Emma Kate & Leopold Roman Holiday Anonymous Movie Cowboys and Angels (2000) The Baker (2007) The Lion King Anything But Love (2002) 30 Minutes Or Less Zombieland Easy A V For Vendetta Star Wars A Clockwork Orange Up In The Air Scott Pilgrim vs. the World I’m Reed Fish Dakota Skye (2008) Falling Up The Back-up Plan Bridesmaids Rango The Perfect You (2002) Kick-Ass

38. A big HUGE photo album for my pictures

39. A Scrap Booking material so I can start organizing the things that I have been packing away these few years.

40. Family Guy: Any Season

41. The Office: Any Season

42. Friends/ How I Met Your Mother: Any Season…hopefully in order

43. House: Any Season

44. The Simpsons: Any Season

45. A VHS Player: Because the one I got from Savers was really badly broken and never worked.

46. A Wii with JUST DANCE 1, 2 or 3!

47.  Montel’s Healthmaster: blender, or whatever it is…I want one :D

48. 20th Century Fox’s Romance Collection

49. A Mixed CD

50. Mixed Cds in General.

51. A nice pair of Gloves.

52. A gift certificate to a day at the spa: So I can get my back straightened out (I’m getting old).

53. New Violin Music and a new BOW my bow is broken!

54. a new night cap for my hair like my old pink one.

55. George forman Grill: David swears by them.

56.  Soil for planting and pots for planting flowers over the summer…I really need new soil because I have A LOT OF SEED.  I’d also Love a window flower box.

57. NO CLOTHING!

58. Earrings, and nail polish…I have none I miss them and want to continue to used them.

59. A Nail stamper set by KONAD

What I’ve learned about David Howe since I began seeing him:

1. He’s a law student and a teacher and he’s trying to fit me into his busy schedule.
2.  He’s kind of quirky and particular about the little things.
3.  He finds pleasure in making me uncomfortable,
4. he’s a lot stronger than I am physically and when we wrestle he has the ability to throw me.
5.  He has greenish, bluish, gray eyes that fit perfectly into Jaymay’s gray or blue song and they are constantly getting dried out.
6.  He won’t kiss me if I have just put raw cookie dough into my mouth.
7.  He won’t kiss me if I’ve just scarfed down a vanilla wafer.
8.  He won’t have his picture taken
9. . He won’t look at me while he’s driving.
10.  When he has work and things to do that’s exactly what he means, when he’s busy don’t call him or email or text him…he’s busy and therefore can’t talk.
11. He doesn’t accept gifts and he doesn’t give gifts.
12.  He will test drive every truck in the state to find one that will last him 12+ years.
13. He won’t put up with a person wasting his time, be that when you’re setting up equipment for watching a movie or if you’re taking too much time debating a word in a scrabble game that you know is not a word.
14.  He won’t eat anything that isn’t natural and that has the word loaf in it.
15.  Yes, he’s a picky eater.
16.  He will not go back to a restaurant after having one bad experience with it while he was hungry.
17. He will not trust me with directions.
18.  He’s self conscious about his weight and his abilities
19. he’s sexy and he doesn’t know it.
20. He’s losing his hair but would look good bald and he thinks that take away from his over all attractiveness.
21.  Unless I give him a specific amount of chocolate chips David will put in the whole bag if I tell him to ‘just put a few in’.
22. David is literal most of the time, he’s also extremely calculated.
23.  He will give you an hour and a half and call it a complete date it’s midnight…and he needs to go home and go to bed.
24. He’s an extremely dedicated person.
25. He’s not a good elementary school teacher.
26.  He doesn’t think he has good enough genes to have children, he thinks his children will come out hairy.
27.  He doesn’t like his body hair
28. . He knows all there needs to be able trucks.
29.  He used to race vehicles.
30.  He will not say the words yes or no.
31.  His clothing doesn’t fit his broad shoulders, his pants don’t fit him if he works out too much.
32. He is a fan of Top Gear because he likes to hosts.
33.  He will always win an argument.
34. He looks up to his friends because they live the lives he wishes he could
35. He hates his nails
36. He’s not going to call you
37. He is shy sometimes
38. He always says the right things
39. He will open your door for you but you’ll have to ask
40. He doesn’t believe in romance
41. He’s a non romantic
42. He likes to say things like “This is insane, this is ridiculous, and this is bullshit’
43. What he believes is a certain way is a certain way
44. He is all man.
45. He has the ability to handle a lot of pain
46. He won’t see a doctor if he can handle it himself
47. His Bunnies are very important to him
48. He isn’t close to his mother
49. He misses his college buddies
50. He will buy a person a taco and say ‘Merry Christmas, here’s your present’
51. He wants more piercings.
52. He’s not comfortable with the Human condition
53. He’s actually an alien
54. Sometimes he feels he’s not worthy of my affection toward him
55. He’s forgiving and True
56. He has great taste.

I don’t know what just happened but somehow David found it in his heart to forgive me for everything I’d done. He came over here and we completely made up.

I’m So happy right now, even though I still think he can be an asshole…he’s MY ASSHOLE and that’s all I care about.

Everyone kept saying that if it was meant to be than it was meant to be…and I really think it is meant to be, though he’s kind of Obsessive compulsive he knows how to make me happy.

I’m never going to put myself into a situation like the other night. If I miss and want David I’m just going to work it out and forget about everyone else.

This is a fantastic situation to find myself back in…I still have a boyfriend and he still cares about me.

My heart toward him hadn’t changed and I’m happy he saw that and that we were able to work things out again.

I don’t know what this will mean, but I hope it will mean that I’ll be able to have adventures with David and we can share things with one another though he doesn’t like the human condition of woman and men sharing their feelings.

I really hope that he’ll be able to spend Christmas with me so I can show him off because she’s truly the best thing happening in my life. I have no money, my job sucks and My health isn’t at it’s best.

I want and hope to improve myself fully :D I’m so happy that he was able to forgive me and I was able to see him one last time…It got to the point where I was asking him if it was some type of cruel joke that he’d had a change of heart and honestly he told me no, he just wanted to.

I’m happy that I can be there for him and support him and watch him graduate and I hope that one day he’ll feel comfortable enough to invite me over to his house as I have him into mine.

Most people who know me think I’m this good innocent person who doesn’t really get into that much trouble and doesn’t have fun in life.

I’ve been really screwing up my life recently and I know what the main reason I’ve been doing it is.

I’m crazy addicted to sex.

The whole thing has been messing with my life and the relationships I’ve been making with people. I only really have male friends because I’m always out to find this prince charming character I’m looking for.

Often I’ve considered what life would be like if I became a nun and swore to a life of abstinence but I feel that I’d be a good mother and that it would be a loss to society if I weren’t to have children…plus I want to have that experience one day.

I know having sex is a sin, and that I keep committing it it’s a struggle I’ve been having with God and I’m still trying to figure out how I’ll stop sinning. In the Christian faith it is a sin to commit the sin of fornication and adultery on the person you will eventually call your spouse. I know it’s a sin but I keep committing it and I’m too embarrassed to seek professional help to stop doing it. Many people in regular society have different opinions on sex and if you should have sex before marriage.

Many people would have thought I am still a virgin…I’m here now saying that sadly though I wish I was still one, I’m not.

I wish I’d saved myself for marriage so I couldn’t go through the pains of having given a piece of myself to so many men.

I was introduced to sex at a young age and I haven’t gotten up the courage enough to share that part of myself with many people outside of my therapist and the people at my church. After my experience losing my virginity in youth I asked God for forgiveness and I became a virgin again in spirit though not physically. I was nineteen years old with one of the men in Theta Chi when I willingly gave up that virginity and it felt like any girl’s first time, It hurt and I cried but then it became more enjoyable the more I tried it.

After that my feelings toward sex changed completely,

I developed by first sexual relationship when I was in Scotland with Craig and when I got back from Scotland. At the time I’d thought that Craig was going to be the man I was going to marry and since in my heart I was married to Craig I didn’t look at what I was doing with my body as a sin because I wasn’t committing adultery because I was with the man I wanted to be with. I found that sex was easy to come to when the mood was right and whenever i could while I was in Scotland I didn’t hesitate to indulge in it.

When I got back to the states I’d discovered that Craig had opened up some wild beast in me that I’d never known I’d had. While I was with Craig but away from him in the United States I found myself being extremely lonely and my sexual urges were never met. Many people would simply masturbate, which I find was not something I liked to enjoyed doing. There’s only so much phone sex a person can have before it’s no longer enjoyable.
Because I was so lonely and had become so desperate even for someone to hold or touch me after a year and a half of being alone physically but not in my heart I one night found solace in another, I happened to be extremely drunk that night…which is no excuse but it did add to my lapse in judgement. I felt a lot of shame after that experience especially because it didn’t solve all my problems with being lonely and it wasn’t what I was used to with Craig.
After I told Craig he was really hurt but he still loved me and he understood and he did end up forgiving me. It took a lot of time for me to regain his trust and I’m proud to say we were together for a year after that happened.
I still can’t explain to myself what happened to Craig and I in the time after I got deported, I didn’t see him breaking up with me coming and my heart will never be the same after having him turn his heart from me so quickly and not having anyway to change his mind or make him feel better. I really loved Craig and he was my first love and I felt that I’d never be able to love anyone ever again. I gave so much of myself to him and in my heart I felt a lot of shame having married him with my heart and body. Shame that everything I gave to him I’d never be able to get back.

During the year after the breakup I didn’t have sex with anyone and the ache that I had for Craig never went away because as soon as Craig broke up with me I felt totally worthless.
I began to not care much about my body because I thought I’d lost to one man I’d ever want to be with in a sexual way. When I started dating again I was in search of a man who could be there like a friend like Craig was with me but also be there because I had needs. Instead of finding love or friendship I found a never ending series of men who weren’t after a relationship and were only after sex. Since I didn’t believe in love anymore or anything having to do with happily ever after I am ashamed to say that I often let myself get used to sex and often misinterpreted that sex as a man caring and loving me. I thought that just because a man had sex with me that he actually wanted to be with me and keep me around but time and time again I found that men weren’t interested in me after we’d had sex, not because I wasn’t good but because they’d gotten what they’d wanted out of me and they didn’t need me anymore. Sometimes I’d have sex with a man because I thought we really hit it off and could go somewhere in a relationship. I much too often misinterpret a man wanting to have sex with me with love or even like. I tricked myself time and time again and I knew the signs I was having sex with someone and I would not fully be there, my mind would be lost and it was like I had an out of body experience where I’d turn myself off for the time we were in bed and I’d become a robot. Though at time it was enjoyable I often didn’t feel passion in what I was doing. Sometimes I just did it to make the man feel like he was worth something. There was a part of a man wanting me that I enjoyed and that’s what I walked away with.

After Craig broke up with my I lost all respect for myself and my body.

After a series of men I didn’t understand why I slept with I found myself looking for something else. Someone who wouldn’t only want me for my body but another relationship.

I searched and looked and a few times I thought I found that special person in someone, there was Chris and Reed…who both in the end told me that I wasn’t what they were looking for though they saw potential in me, they’ve both now moved on to healthy relationships with other women. I got used to the rejection and I got used to being used for the sex. I went on many dates where in refusing sex I was rejected by the man and I’m happy I was spared by that heartbreak.

For awhile I was doing much better and I stopped having sex.

I thought everything was going great when I was just dating men and seeing if we hit it off. I made the mistake of having a few dates with a man named Jason who I eventually ended up having sex with I was surprised to discover that Jason ended up giving me an STD. Jason and I didn’t work out because after our great dates and our night together Jason discovered he’d had the STD and he’d been too embarrassed to tell me and he instead hid from me in shame and blew me off when I tried to get ahold of him for more dates. It wasn’t until 2 months later that I finally heard back from him and he told me why he’d blown me off. “Corinne, I didn’t want to tell you that I had an STD.”

“What?! You had one and could have given it to me and you didn’t have the common decency to tell me so I could get tested?!”

“No.”

“Asshole!” *click*

Since it had been two months and I’d already come to the reality that Jason wasn’t interested in me I’d already moved on in continuing my search for a new boyfriend. Since being with Jason I’d grown close to an old crush i’d had from High school and during the two months after Jason I ended up having sex, ‘once’ with this high school crush for we’d become really close and one hot summer day the heat got the best of both of us. That friend had been the only man I’d been with since Jason had blown me off and I had to turn around and tell him that I may have passed something onto him. After he was tested he discovered that he had been given something and I was tested and I discovered that Jason had given that something to me. I was so embarrassed that I’d turned around and given to a really close friend of mine who I had finally hooked up with an STD.That was extremely embarrassing and I daily thank my loving and supportive mother for buying the two little pills it took for me to get over that.

After that I swore off sex completely. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before and I took time to focus on work and school and not on my relationship status or sexual life.

Many many months went by and the feelings of loneliness and wanting companionship came back. I decided that this time around I’d try looking for real genuine men who weren’t after me for sex.

About two months ago I met a great guy named David and for awhile I thought David was the man I was going to actually be with forever. He was supportive of me even though I have many flaws and he was not with me for sex, which I really appreciated. Everything with David was amazing except for the fact that he was too busy with Law school to be in a relationship with anyone. He had no time for me and though I cared about him and we were very good together. There were times that David’s quirkiness and mannerisms really didn’t go well with me. After being with David for a month I felt really neglected, It felt similar to the neglected way I was feeling when Craig wouldn’t try to contact me for days at a time. I always imagined that a man who actually loved and cared about me would want to talk to me and see how I was doing or would keep me updated on his life and wouldn’t be vague with me on how he was feeling or what he was thinking. And I didn’t find any of that in David.  He simply wasn’t free to be around enough to do any of that and when he was with me he was so distracted by thoughts of the work he had to get done that he didn’t really give me his all and I always felt like he was aching to go and get back to whatever he’d been doing before he’d come over to see me. When I started to complain about that all he could do was apologize and threaten to break up with me. He didn’t even try to fight or change to keep me around, he just had the attitude of a person who was saying ‘if you can’t handle it…leave’. Because I fear being alone of course I begged that he stay and I told him that I could handle not having him around all the time…at least until he graduated in May, which didn’t seem that far away. And I settled for less and less of him…I would text him in the morning “Have a great day, I hope your day is super productive and that it goes smoothly”(…things like that.) I’d hope that during the day that he’d find the time to text me back when I text him “How is your day going?’ and at night I’d cross my fingers that he’d answer a phone call from me…which he more often than not, didn’t answer. I’d leave voice mails “Hey it’s me Corinne, When you get the time give me a call!” And I’d receive nothing in return. I had told David that I could handle being alone because I was alone when I was with Craig but honestly that’s not the kind of man I feel and know I deserve and need to be with. I need a man who is there for me when I need him and doesn’t have to put me on his schedule. I started growing tired of waiting by the phone for David to respond to my texts and phone calls. I got tired of having to only have him over for an hour and have him disappear like Cinderella at midnight, getting frustrated when I was upset he couldn’t stay fifteen minutes longer (if it meant finishing a movie). I got tired of hearing David say that I was wasting his time and that he couldn’t spend the night (not even having sex) because he needed to feed his bunnies.

In order to cope with not being with David all the time I started trying to make new friends and hangout with old ones. I would focus on school and bury myself in my work. Often I found myself hanging out with that old friend from the summer who I’d given the STD to. He’d long since forgiven me and we were able to hangout and talk about our struggles with love lives with one another. That friend lets call him ‘Brian’ told me honestly that he’d never be able to love me and be my boyfriend because he wasn’t attracted to me in that way, but he wasn’t against being there for me when I needed a male body or a shoulder to cry on or a man to take me out to dinner and a movie. Brian was the perfect friend with benefits though when I’d been with him over the summer I’d wanted him to be more than that. When David told me that he was incapable of ever being in love again I had a really bad feeling in my gut and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me I deserved better. When David told me that he never gave presents and didn’t believe in God I had a bad feeling in my gut, and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me that my boyfriend was an asshole, i defended David but felt hurt in my heart that he’d presented me with tacos and had said “Merry Christmas” because he’d paid. When David wasn’t there for me when I needed company Brian was more than willing to stop everything he was doing to hangout and watch a movie with me. One of these nights in my own weakness I once again found myself attracted to Brian and Brian once again became that person in my life to offer me comfort when I was lonely. I once again found myself having sex with Brian.

After I cheated on David I felt terrible and right away. I wanted David more than ever before because I knew that even though he was an asshole he was a good guy that I’d grown to really love. I’d really screwed things up with David and as I’d done with Craig before in order to clear my conscientiousness and be honest in my relationship with David I confessed to him that I had done him wrong. I felt terrible about the whole thing even though I had cared for David and he was a great thing in my life I’d gone with what my body needed rather than what my life needed. I’d given into my ever growing addiction to sex and I’d let someone I was growing to really care about down. I’m a pretty terrible person for having done this ‘yet again to another’ boyfriend and I’m wondering what it means. Am I really in love with the men I think I am? I think if I was in love with them as I tell myself I wouldn’t need to find comfort in another.

Anyway, David had a good right to break up with me and even though I’m sad about it I feel that David and I are now both a little better off. I want a man who puts forth more effort to show me that he’s there and wants to be with me a man who puts me on his priorities list. Because I believe that even after school is gone we will all grow old and our relationships will continue after we have our jobs and our homes. The people you love should be there for you even when you are in school and you should give them time also and not make love to your work all the time.

So I’m single once again. And I’m facing a little more drama than just a break up this time.

Since “Brian” and I were so spontaneous the other night we didn’t use any kind of protection in the form of a condom, and I haven’t been on the pill because I haven’t had the money to afford to pay for my prescription. So after I had sex with him Brian asked me to take a morning after pill. I’m not sure if that is against my beliefs or not and I’ve never really considered what could happen to me if I ever were to become pregnant. He’d asked me right after we’d had sex and right away my heart had become heavy. Not only was it heavy from guilt in having just cheated but it was heavy because of how irresponsible I’d been in not considering having safe sex. Though I feel I’d make a great mother and that I should live with the mistakes I made…even if that meant becoming pregnant I realized that I should also consider the men I’m with and whether or not they’d want me to be the mother of their children. Men have a say on if they want to be forced to me fathers also. Brian told me he didn’t want to have children with me and because of that I find myself today taking pills again, This time in order to prevent an accident from happening that could change everyone’s lives forever.

I had to think about these morning after pills for a long time. If I was pregnant this could be killing an unborn child and I’d be killing something and that’s a terrible sin or I am preventing myself from becoming pregnant and making a huge mistake because a man’s sperm can live in a woman’s body up to a week after sex. A baby would be a huge mistake because it would have to survive at this point in my life with a mother who isn’t financially stable and who is still in school.

Though I’d make a great mother and I want to be a mother someday I’m going to take the pills to save my mother the heart attack and the baby from living a life where his/ or her father never loved it’s mother. And to save myself from having to live with the shame that I had a child while cheating on a great man. I want to save myself from having to be alone and pregnant looking for a future husband and I don’t think I’ll be able to establish my career if I’m pregnant.

Brian came by and delivered the pills, he said he was sorry to hear that David and I broke up but he thinks I’m better off and that I deserve someone better who will be there for me. Then he hugged me got in his car and left, we’ve agreed not to have anymore sex and thought I think he actually wanted to stand there and force feed the pills to me I’m happy he trusts me after I swore that I’d take them so I’m going to and I’m happy to be alone to think about what I’ve been doing with my life.

Here goes everything…