Corinne's Blog

So it’s 10:27am on the last day of the year, yesterday was my brothers birthday and I wish him the best in my heart and at this moment my boyfriend David is at work teaching an ACT prep course. I was up all night baking banana chocolate chip bread and cookies because I had nothing else to do and an abundance of resources to do so. I just woke up.

I was thinking about how the year is coming to an end and everything I’ve done in the past year and accomplished and everything that I hope to accomplish in the next up coming year.

So Like I’ve done in years past I’m going to write down some solid New Years Resolutions for the year of 2012.

It’s said that 2012 may be the end of the world because that’s when the Early Mayan peoples stopped calculating on their calendars but I don’t believe that to be true.

But I’d still have to say that my first New Year Resolution for 2012 is to

1) “Simply Survive“…I just want to make it through 2012 is one piece, alive and healthy with a stable enough life like I have now. The next time I’ll be writing a list of resolutions two semesters in school and a Summer would have passed and I may or may not be where I want to be to be able to sign up for the MCTC nursing program. I want to live my day to day without getting super depressed that I’m not making any progress, I want to look at each day in a more positive light.

My 2nd Resolution: Would be to
2) “Not be a quitter”- Whether this is in my relationship with David, at my workplace(s) or in my school work I’d like to keep going with everything I start until I succeed, and if I fail I’d like to know that I made my very best effort.

3) “Enjoy Life for what is has to offer” This past year I can honestly say I didn’t have many adventures, the whole year outside of a time I went to Michigan to represent my church I’ve been in Minnesota, and what I’ve been doing here has mainly been working, going to school and watching a lot of movies. I’d like to be able to get out and enjoy Minnesota for what it has to offer me, I want to explore new parts of the city and enjoy the weather. And create a new outlook on life even during the boring times.

4) Get out of Debt: I recently looked at my expenses again and in order to figure out how much money I’d need to make a month in order to continue living the life I am and still be able to save for a car or a new apartment in the future. I discovered that If I continue on I’ll be able to get out of all my Debt to Hamline University, to MCTC and to the Various Hospitals and organizations I’m a part of that I haven’t been paying by this time next year if I keep my consistent hours at working at Minneapolis Kids at Burroughs and working at my new workplace. I don’t want my pushing to get out of debt to interfere with my ability to do well in school though, this is the only thing that worries me I’m going to get so overwhelmed and wrapped up working that I’ll have no time for school.

5) Learn How to Prioritize.- Most people who know me know that I value strange things and I prioritize things that I value rather than what I should be prioritizing to make life easier on myself. I value my relationships but I don’t value my family, I value what I do with my money now rather than worrying about how I’ll save my money for the future. I also Value work over school which seems to make life harder because I need to do well in school in order to do better work. I’ve learned a lot of these life lessons over the past year and I’d like to be able to say ‘first things first’ and actually know where I’m going to go when I need to place value on things.

6) Lose More Weight: I’m proud to say that though an unhealthy weight I have maintained the same weight for the last few months and over the summer I actually lost weight. This past year I was a member of a gym called LA Fitness and because of some financial difficulty that I’m still trying to get out of I’ve found myself once again without a means of working out. I do do a lot of walking on a regular basis and I find myself jogging to and from the bus stop often but that’s not enough. I want to find some means of exercise which can be incorporated into my everyday routine, maybe it’s rollerskating because I discovered I am good at it and that I enjoy it or maybe it’s just biking like my housemates do 24/7, I don’t know. Part of that is the simple step I can take of eating more healthy, David said that he could help me with that and I’m hoping to get a George Foreman grill because David swears by it. In general I just want to GET FIT.

7) Get even More Organized than I already Have- This past year I’ve come a long way in maintaining the clutter that is my room. I have installed and organized to the point where everything now has a decent place. I realized though that when I move in the future that I want a place with walk in closets. Or I want to be able to build myself walk in closets because a bulk of my bulk is clothing and I don’t feel like getting rid of much of it now. My room currently is so small that it constantly needs to be converted for me to be able to do simple things such as play a board game, sleep or watch television on my computer. I’m getting tired of having to move everything around in order to do simple tasks so I want to eventually maybe in the next year find a place where I can have enough room to roam and be able to store what I want to to bring out later. Getting more organized may help me manage my stress better, calm easily maintained environment might mean a calmer me.

8) Maintain relationships: I’m proud to say that unlike last year where I was getting over Craig I have a great man who though he has his faults I’d like to keep around for awhile and have adventures with. I’m not on that search for a boyfriend “Thank God.” and i’m not wondering what the wide world of dating has to offer me, instead I’m in a perfectly good spot in my relationship with David and I’m finally starting the see breakthroughs in how he and I communicate and understand each other as for dating at this point I’m going to keep things open I’m not looking for anyone on the side but David said that if something better comes along that I should take it. So far nothing better has come along that can be long term. I think that’s what I’m looking for now, not just a boyfriend who will be around for a few months who I give a lot to and who leaves, I want something that will last more than a year. David and I have potential to last more than a year, three months have flown by and I think part of it is because we are able to give each other enough space to live our separate lives. Though I’d like to see parts of our lives coming together more like him meeting my family and me meeting his family for now I’m pretty content with him coming over and spending time with me. Anytime at all can be hectic I know with his crazy law school schedule. Part of that maintaining this relationship would be not being so clingy and demanding so much of David, it’s hard because it seems to me that David thinks my wanting anything at all is from him is being too demanding …that’s something we have to work on.

9) Find Church again: I didn’t write a blog about being kicked off the worship team because I thought getting into a big fuss over it all would be a huge waste of my time. I didn’t write a blog about not attending church because of a lack of motivation to do so because I didn’t feel it was something that was worth blogging about just yet and I’ve been busy and haven’t really had the time to blog as much as I wish I could. I was kicked off the team because Matt and Peter think that I need to become reconciled with something in my life that’s going on before I can help lead a congregation in worship.  They think I’m going through some sort of spiritual battle and they think i should seek some kind of counseling. There’s nothing crazy going on in my life right now that isn’t normal for someone my age to be going through, I’m experiencing life as everyone else does and I’m trying to get by. Counseling is expensive and unnecessary in my particular case because anything a counselor might say to me is the exact thing I could discover by making mistakes and learning those life lessons on my own. I accept that things aren’t perfect in my life and that I have a lot to work on but that’s the same for everyone that God put on this planet. I am in a relationship and it scares me that I might be trying to commit myself to a person who might not be meant for me, but I’m experiencing it because even if David isn’t “the one” I’ve learned a lot from the relationships I’ve already experienced and the experiences I’ve had have taught me much about what I am looking for in a partner.

I’m looking for a love in a man and I am looking to love a man just like those famous passages in Corinthians 13 talking about love:

¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I see a lot of good things in David and I hope that over time I will learn to love him or that through my experiences with him I’ll be able to better love another. There is no loss of faith in me in that respect and I don’t need to go to church to know what I should seek in LOVE.

I’m working and my coworkers are frustrating at times when they make my job harder and cause me unwanted stress. They are mean and inconsiderate and lazy and I can honestly say if at times if it weren’t for work and the fact that I might lose my job, I would quickly curse some of them out for acting the way they do. They aren’t the worst kind of people for they do have the abilities to make the children at my work place happy but they aren’t good to me and some of my other coworkers. They do good but there isn’t much love in them but for those who are their own and mean like themselves. I’ve watched and I’ve taken a lot of shit because of their wanting to make someone look worse than themselves. I don’t need to go to church every Sunday to know how I need to deal with them because being in church as I grew up I’ve learned that Jesus instructs me to Love my enemies in Luke 6:27:

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

So at work I’m learning to turn the other cheek and so far being nice to those who mistreat me, though it isn’t always easy has kept me my job for the last year and a half.

I’m also in School and though it’s hard I don’t need to go to church to know that God created me to do good things and produce good fruit from all my hard work. I have a good heart because of God and what I produce in the world will be good it says so clearly in the Bible.

 ⁴³ “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. ⁴⁴ Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers. ⁴⁵ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

All these things I’ve learned to deal with over the years and God has taught me many lessons about how to deal with people in those settings and in those situations.

Learning about God in church in my life has taught be a lot.

I have enough knowledge to deal with my day to day struggles so I don’t feel I need to attend church every Sunday I’m taking a break from Church for awhile. I need to find myself and reestablish a positive relationship with God on my own and where Gods place in my life is. I want to get out of thinking about church in a legalistic way where I hate that I can’t be myself in church and everyone pretends that life is just so fine and dandy and no one can really says what they want to say to a person’s face.For example: when my mother was planning on putting my cat down I was against it, that was this summer and I vocalized my feelings to her and the cat still lives today and is doing much better than she was a couple of months ago. And when my brother didn’t want to go to college and instead decided he’d rather join the military because he’s afraid he can’t afford to go to school I was against it, and the many soldiers I know (except Jason) were also against it. I want to go to church when I know I can really praise God again and not have to worry about How the way I’m living my life will reflect how holy and great the church itself is. We all make mistakes and God is helping me through mine in his own way and his own time. I don’t need the people at my church judging me. It’s not that I’m no longer a Christian I just haven’t been going to the Christian gatherings because I don’t feel that they are genuine anymore. But this next year I’d like to find a way to come back to church whether it’s a different church or not I’m unsure.

For some reason when I think of the church now I think of what Jesus said : “The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” Meaning that I can do what I want on Sunday as long as my heart is there. And I can have communion with bread and grape juice whenever I want to at home, every meal I have can be my communion…I still pray I still believe I still want God to be in the lives of the people I love and care about. I believe that God blesses me daily. Enough said.

10) Learn to Love myself: Which means taking care of myself and thinking about what I deserve rather than what others think and want. I hear that is the only way I’ll find self esteem and confidence in this world, apparently everyone says I don’t know myself and that I’m afraid of my own company and as soon as I find myself I’ll find where I’m going in life. So that is definitely a goal.

I’m really getting tired of my commute on the bus along with having to get rides from people.

Taking the bus is annoying because people are so gross and dirty in my neighborhood, there are bums who smell bad and ghetto woman with their crying children who they can’t control. There are rude people who talk on their cellphones and cheesy guys who try to hit on me and who slip me their cards. I’m tired of having to stand on a crowded bus or having to make small talk with crazy people when I don’t feel like it. I’m tired of my commute taking forty five minutes to an hour when it should only take at max fifteen minutes on a bad day. I want to sleep in later :D and not have to rely on other people as much. I want more freedom to go where I want to go when I want to go instead of having to trust in others to get me and having to wait on the bus.

So I’ve decided that it would be wise for me to invest in another form of transportation than just the city bus and rides from fellow church members on weekends for work.

I’m thinking a scooter but a car would be more practical for Winter driving, but what time or money do I have to save to get one.

Solution: Figure out rides with friends or get the schools bus card.

We’ll see.

For awhile in my church I had a hard time finding my feet. I was too old for youth group and too young to really understand and fully fit into the Life Groups. On top of all that I wasn’t married with a child and the youth group was disband.

I’ve been participating in the praise and worship team and even though my throat has been hurting me and I’m becoming a little worn down from being ill I always know I can find a place in church behind the music.

Surprisingly though I was invited to take up a position that would give me a lot more responsibly. Julie Kurtz one of my sisters in Christ at my church told me that It would be a good transition for me as more of a leader in the church. It’s about time I stepped up and took on more at the church. I already volunteer when I can, at the church picnic this year I’ll once again be working with the kids, during the Aldrich Arts Collaborative stuff I’ve tried to get involved but that’s way different than this.

Last year my church received a grant based on our efforts to become a more reconciled and multicultural, multiracial body in Christ.

The Calvin Grant has helped us explore new mediums of worship and learn a lot about ourselves.

We were invited last year to a convention for those seeking to win the grant and after winning it we are invited back this year to talk about our experiences with the programs we did with the grant money.

I was asked to be one of the representatives from my church to travel to Michigan and attend the convention.

This is a big deal because I need to prepare my heart and my mind to know our vision and the information on the grant and how our messages of reconciliation are spawned from our wanting to be more like God and his image to the world.

At first I didn’t fully understand the commitment I was making, in my mind this was just a vacation…but then I read the grant and I met with Julie and she asked me questions that really opened up my mind about how I look at my congregation and how I personally think things are working in our church. I need to look at the whole situation from a biblical perspective which I’ve always had a problem with. It’s not as if I don’t read my bible, it’s just the fact that I’m not really good at quoting scripture out of memory to support my arguments.

To prepare myself after reading the original grant proposal I’ve been looking through the notes that were taken after we did each special voices Sunday. I’ve been reading the book United By Faith which Is a little more challenging a read than I’m used to…but is a book which I would say is a must read for anyone of the Christian faith.

On top of that I’ve been trying to read my bible and understand personally what I feel is God’s message for the future of the Twenty first Century church.

It’s been really hard and I actually and learning a lot about myself in this journey and a lot about God and Jesus’s life on Earth and what I say that I believe in as a Christian.

And the more I learn the more motivated and excited I am that I have chosen such a clear straight and narrow path in following Christ.

I feel like an adult and much less of a kid because many of my questions I’m finding answers to on my own in my reading and research.

I am beginning to feel myself developing a solid foundation in what I believe and what I don’t believe.

Yesterday in Church Jermaine Ross preached about how he learned how to hear God’s voice speaking to him though he was always being told different things from different sides and people about who God really is.

I feel that I am learning how to hear God’s voice clearer. Though I know I still have a long ways to go.

I’m at a strange place in my life where things are going surprisingly well. I had a year where things were really rocky,

I moved a lot…I switched jobs a lot…I was lonely a lot and I was depressed a lot.

I had a time where I was rocky and in transition all the time.

I didn’t have any personal goals, I was extremely spontaneous and I made promises I couldn’t keep.

Now I’m in a place where I’m finding my feet and becoming a little more steady.

I have a great job, I’m doing well in school, I have a great place to stay, I’m keeping promises to people and I can actually say I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day.

My relationship is still in a rocky place because of the problems this distance has created…there is a void that I know Craig and I wish we could close that can only be solved if the distance were to disappear.

There is a strange part of me that wishes that I was back at Hamline so I can have a bit of my social life back.

I’m not really lonely though…I live with 5 extremely nice guys and they make me feel like I’m a part of something.

My job hasn’t let me down and I can see myself being there for a few years at least…when they said that people stay at Minneapolis Kids for years I had a hard time seeing myself there. But now I’ve settled in and it’s become part of what and who I am.

I’m making some huge life decisions.
With Craig going back to school for his masters program and me being in school for nursing I know that I won’t really need to try Scotland again for another few years.

Though with my money situation being much much better than it was a few months ago…the possibility of me making Scotland a major vacation spot seems plausible.

For the rest of the year after I finish my NATO testing I’m going to be free to work as I please…I’m working about 20 hours a week as a non permanent staff member but I’m hoping to get more hours, or maybe another job soon.

I want to be here at 3205 Longfellow for a year or two at least and I’m going to go out of my way to make it so…even if that means paying for multiple months in advance.

So much has happened in my life that is bad and now suddenly so much good that I’m nervous that even noticing that things are getting better might jinx the whole thing.

I’ll see.

so I’ve been absolutely terrible at blogging these last few days…

it’s just that so much has been happening and so many introduction sentences pop into my head that I never write down that I’ve had a hard time getting on my blog and having anything interesting and good to say.

I was in the middle of watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind while I hangout in Heidi’s basement waiting for her to get off of work and it came to me that like Jim Carrey’s journal in the movie my blog has become my memory box.

So I’ll write an update while I sit down here to remember what was going on in my head about a month before I moved to Scotland.

First off: I spent the night at Heidi’s last night because she picked me up and forced me to buy a hampster cage. This makes me nervous because I think that makes it so that my account is now negative.

Negative a month before I will be leaving the country is totally bad news for me. definitely something I don’t want to be hearing. Hopefully I’ll be able to make ‘some money before heading out’.

When it comes to Scotland though I won’t be staying there very long now that I’ve gotten the letter from the cruise company that they want to offer me a job. I’m assuming I’ll only be in Scotland for a short amount of time…at which point I will be staying with Craig and maybe joining him for a family outing.

In order to get money I was considering selling plasma, or maybe hoping that someone would offer to throw me a going away party so that I could invite my loaded friends and get a little spending money. I’m hoping that everything with the cruise line goes well this next month because I’ll be up a creek without a paddle if things don’t go well.

I’m moving yet again and to my family they’d think..its about time!

I’m moving in with my friend Jimmy to help him watch Collin and Caylie since Sheena and he had a total falling out and she moved out.

He’s been dragging them to work with him on the bus and I can’t imagine those poor little children sitting there all day because I love them dearly.
I’m probably going to be there for a good year…at least that’s what I’m hoping for and I get my own room!

I’m working only as a tempt at Mpls Kids this fall and I am hoping to become Collin’s PCA worker and get paid by the state for watching the children.

It will be a great set up for me because I’m only going to school at night this next semester.

My responsibilities will be to look after Collin and Caylie which is easy because I feel like I’ve been around for their whole lives anyway.

I’m going to have them all day getting Collin ready for school and on the bus.

Caylie will be a blast to work with and it will be fun to get to know her better…she’s still at the age where she forgets who I am at first.

Collin is five now and Caylie is two…I’m really happy to be moving in to help them.

Plus Jimmy and I have been friends for years now so it will be nice to get to hangout with him more.