Corinne's Blog

I don’t know what just happened but somehow David found it in his heart to forgive me for everything I’d done. He came over here and we completely made up.

I’m So happy right now, even though I still think he can be an asshole…he’s MY ASSHOLE and that’s all I care about.

Everyone kept saying that if it was meant to be than it was meant to be…and I really think it is meant to be, though he’s kind of Obsessive compulsive he knows how to make me happy.

I’m never going to put myself into a situation like the other night. If I miss and want David I’m just going to work it out and forget about everyone else.

This is a fantastic situation to find myself back in…I still have a boyfriend and he still cares about me.

My heart toward him hadn’t changed and I’m happy he saw that and that we were able to work things out again.

I don’t know what this will mean, but I hope it will mean that I’ll be able to have adventures with David and we can share things with one another though he doesn’t like the human condition of woman and men sharing their feelings.

I really hope that he’ll be able to spend Christmas with me so I can show him off because she’s truly the best thing happening in my life. I have no money, my job sucks and My health isn’t at it’s best.

I want and hope to improve myself fully :D I’m so happy that he was able to forgive me and I was able to see him one last time…It got to the point where I was asking him if it was some type of cruel joke that he’d had a change of heart and honestly he told me no, he just wanted to.

I’m happy that I can be there for him and support him and watch him graduate and I hope that one day he’ll feel comfortable enough to invite me over to his house as I have him into mine.

Most people who know me think I’m this good innocent person who doesn’t really get into that much trouble and doesn’t have fun in life.

I’ve been really screwing up my life recently and I know what the main reason I’ve been doing it is.

I’m crazy addicted to sex.

The whole thing has been messing with my life and the relationships I’ve been making with people. I only really have male friends because I’m always out to find this prince charming character I’m looking for.

Often I’ve considered what life would be like if I became a nun and swore to a life of abstinence but I feel that I’d be a good mother and that it would be a loss to society if I weren’t to have children…plus I want to have that experience one day.

I know having sex is a sin, and that I keep committing it it’s a struggle I’ve been having with God and I’m still trying to figure out how I’ll stop sinning. In the Christian faith it is a sin to commit the sin of fornication and adultery on the person you will eventually call your spouse. I know it’s a sin but I keep committing it and I’m too embarrassed to seek professional help to stop doing it. Many people in regular society have different opinions on sex and if you should have sex before marriage.

Many people would have thought I am still a virgin…I’m here now saying that sadly though I wish I was still one, I’m not.

I wish I’d saved myself for marriage so I couldn’t go through the pains of having given a piece of myself to so many men.

I was introduced to sex at a young age and I haven’t gotten up the courage enough to share that part of myself with many people outside of my therapist and the people at my church. After my experience losing my virginity in youth I asked God for forgiveness and I became a virgin again in spirit though not physically. I was nineteen years old with one of the men in Theta Chi when I willingly gave up that virginity and it felt like any girl’s first time, It hurt and I cried but then it became more enjoyable the more I tried it.

After that my feelings toward sex changed completely,

I developed by first sexual relationship when I was in Scotland with Craig and when I got back from Scotland. At the time I’d thought that Craig was going to be the man I was going to marry and since in my heart I was married to Craig I didn’t look at what I was doing with my body as a sin because I wasn’t committing adultery because I was with the man I wanted to be with. I found that sex was easy to come to when the mood was right and whenever i could while I was in Scotland I didn’t hesitate to indulge in it.

When I got back to the states I’d discovered that Craig had opened up some wild beast in me that I’d never known I’d had. While I was with Craig but away from him in the United States I found myself being extremely lonely and my sexual urges were never met. Many people would simply masturbate, which I find was not something I liked to enjoyed doing. There’s only so much phone sex a person can have before it’s no longer enjoyable.
Because I was so lonely and had become so desperate even for someone to hold or touch me after a year and a half of being alone physically but not in my heart I one night found solace in another, I happened to be extremely drunk that night…which is no excuse but it did add to my lapse in judgement. I felt a lot of shame after that experience especially because it didn’t solve all my problems with being lonely and it wasn’t what I was used to with Craig.
After I told Craig he was really hurt but he still loved me and he understood and he did end up forgiving me. It took a lot of time for me to regain his trust and I’m proud to say we were together for a year after that happened.
I still can’t explain to myself what happened to Craig and I in the time after I got deported, I didn’t see him breaking up with me coming and my heart will never be the same after having him turn his heart from me so quickly and not having anyway to change his mind or make him feel better. I really loved Craig and he was my first love and I felt that I’d never be able to love anyone ever again. I gave so much of myself to him and in my heart I felt a lot of shame having married him with my heart and body. Shame that everything I gave to him I’d never be able to get back.

During the year after the breakup I didn’t have sex with anyone and the ache that I had for Craig never went away because as soon as Craig broke up with me I felt totally worthless.
I began to not care much about my body because I thought I’d lost to one man I’d ever want to be with in a sexual way. When I started dating again I was in search of a man who could be there like a friend like Craig was with me but also be there because I had needs. Instead of finding love or friendship I found a never ending series of men who weren’t after a relationship and were only after sex. Since I didn’t believe in love anymore or anything having to do with happily ever after I am ashamed to say that I often let myself get used to sex and often misinterpreted that sex as a man caring and loving me. I thought that just because a man had sex with me that he actually wanted to be with me and keep me around but time and time again I found that men weren’t interested in me after we’d had sex, not because I wasn’t good but because they’d gotten what they’d wanted out of me and they didn’t need me anymore. Sometimes I’d have sex with a man because I thought we really hit it off and could go somewhere in a relationship. I much too often misinterpret a man wanting to have sex with me with love or even like. I tricked myself time and time again and I knew the signs I was having sex with someone and I would not fully be there, my mind would be lost and it was like I had an out of body experience where I’d turn myself off for the time we were in bed and I’d become a robot. Though at time it was enjoyable I often didn’t feel passion in what I was doing. Sometimes I just did it to make the man feel like he was worth something. There was a part of a man wanting me that I enjoyed and that’s what I walked away with.

After Craig broke up with my I lost all respect for myself and my body.

After a series of men I didn’t understand why I slept with I found myself looking for something else. Someone who wouldn’t only want me for my body but another relationship.

I searched and looked and a few times I thought I found that special person in someone, there was Chris and Reed…who both in the end told me that I wasn’t what they were looking for though they saw potential in me, they’ve both now moved on to healthy relationships with other women. I got used to the rejection and I got used to being used for the sex. I went on many dates where in refusing sex I was rejected by the man and I’m happy I was spared by that heartbreak.

For awhile I was doing much better and I stopped having sex.

I thought everything was going great when I was just dating men and seeing if we hit it off. I made the mistake of having a few dates with a man named Jason who I eventually ended up having sex with I was surprised to discover that Jason ended up giving me an STD. Jason and I didn’t work out because after our great dates and our night together Jason discovered he’d had the STD and he’d been too embarrassed to tell me and he instead hid from me in shame and blew me off when I tried to get ahold of him for more dates. It wasn’t until 2 months later that I finally heard back from him and he told me why he’d blown me off. “Corinne, I didn’t want to tell you that I had an STD.”

“What?! You had one and could have given it to me and you didn’t have the common decency to tell me so I could get tested?!”

“No.”

“Asshole!” *click*

Since it had been two months and I’d already come to the reality that Jason wasn’t interested in me I’d already moved on in continuing my search for a new boyfriend. Since being with Jason I’d grown close to an old crush i’d had from High school and during the two months after Jason I ended up having sex, ‘once’ with this high school crush for we’d become really close and one hot summer day the heat got the best of both of us. That friend had been the only man I’d been with since Jason had blown me off and I had to turn around and tell him that I may have passed something onto him. After he was tested he discovered that he had been given something and I was tested and I discovered that Jason had given that something to me. I was so embarrassed that I’d turned around and given to a really close friend of mine who I had finally hooked up with an STD.That was extremely embarrassing and I daily thank my loving and supportive mother for buying the two little pills it took for me to get over that.

After that I swore off sex completely. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before and I took time to focus on work and school and not on my relationship status or sexual life.

Many many months went by and the feelings of loneliness and wanting companionship came back. I decided that this time around I’d try looking for real genuine men who weren’t after me for sex.

About two months ago I met a great guy named David and for awhile I thought David was the man I was going to actually be with forever. He was supportive of me even though I have many flaws and he was not with me for sex, which I really appreciated. Everything with David was amazing except for the fact that he was too busy with Law school to be in a relationship with anyone. He had no time for me and though I cared about him and we were very good together. There were times that David’s quirkiness and mannerisms really didn’t go well with me. After being with David for a month I felt really neglected, It felt similar to the neglected way I was feeling when Craig wouldn’t try to contact me for days at a time. I always imagined that a man who actually loved and cared about me would want to talk to me and see how I was doing or would keep me updated on his life and wouldn’t be vague with me on how he was feeling or what he was thinking. And I didn’t find any of that in David.  He simply wasn’t free to be around enough to do any of that and when he was with me he was so distracted by thoughts of the work he had to get done that he didn’t really give me his all and I always felt like he was aching to go and get back to whatever he’d been doing before he’d come over to see me. When I started to complain about that all he could do was apologize and threaten to break up with me. He didn’t even try to fight or change to keep me around, he just had the attitude of a person who was saying ‘if you can’t handle it…leave’. Because I fear being alone of course I begged that he stay and I told him that I could handle not having him around all the time…at least until he graduated in May, which didn’t seem that far away. And I settled for less and less of him…I would text him in the morning “Have a great day, I hope your day is super productive and that it goes smoothly”(…things like that.) I’d hope that during the day that he’d find the time to text me back when I text him “How is your day going?’ and at night I’d cross my fingers that he’d answer a phone call from me…which he more often than not, didn’t answer. I’d leave voice mails “Hey it’s me Corinne, When you get the time give me a call!” And I’d receive nothing in return. I had told David that I could handle being alone because I was alone when I was with Craig but honestly that’s not the kind of man I feel and know I deserve and need to be with. I need a man who is there for me when I need him and doesn’t have to put me on his schedule. I started growing tired of waiting by the phone for David to respond to my texts and phone calls. I got tired of having to only have him over for an hour and have him disappear like Cinderella at midnight, getting frustrated when I was upset he couldn’t stay fifteen minutes longer (if it meant finishing a movie). I got tired of hearing David say that I was wasting his time and that he couldn’t spend the night (not even having sex) because he needed to feed his bunnies.

In order to cope with not being with David all the time I started trying to make new friends and hangout with old ones. I would focus on school and bury myself in my work. Often I found myself hanging out with that old friend from the summer who I’d given the STD to. He’d long since forgiven me and we were able to hangout and talk about our struggles with love lives with one another. That friend lets call him ‘Brian’ told me honestly that he’d never be able to love me and be my boyfriend because he wasn’t attracted to me in that way, but he wasn’t against being there for me when I needed a male body or a shoulder to cry on or a man to take me out to dinner and a movie. Brian was the perfect friend with benefits though when I’d been with him over the summer I’d wanted him to be more than that. When David told me that he was incapable of ever being in love again I had a really bad feeling in my gut and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me I deserved better. When David told me that he never gave presents and didn’t believe in God I had a bad feeling in my gut, and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me that my boyfriend was an asshole, i defended David but felt hurt in my heart that he’d presented me with tacos and had said “Merry Christmas” because he’d paid. When David wasn’t there for me when I needed company Brian was more than willing to stop everything he was doing to hangout and watch a movie with me. One of these nights in my own weakness I once again found myself attracted to Brian and Brian once again became that person in my life to offer me comfort when I was lonely. I once again found myself having sex with Brian.

After I cheated on David I felt terrible and right away. I wanted David more than ever before because I knew that even though he was an asshole he was a good guy that I’d grown to really love. I’d really screwed things up with David and as I’d done with Craig before in order to clear my conscientiousness and be honest in my relationship with David I confessed to him that I had done him wrong. I felt terrible about the whole thing even though I had cared for David and he was a great thing in my life I’d gone with what my body needed rather than what my life needed. I’d given into my ever growing addiction to sex and I’d let someone I was growing to really care about down. I’m a pretty terrible person for having done this ‘yet again to another’ boyfriend and I’m wondering what it means. Am I really in love with the men I think I am? I think if I was in love with them as I tell myself I wouldn’t need to find comfort in another.

Anyway, David had a good right to break up with me and even though I’m sad about it I feel that David and I are now both a little better off. I want a man who puts forth more effort to show me that he’s there and wants to be with me a man who puts me on his priorities list. Because I believe that even after school is gone we will all grow old and our relationships will continue after we have our jobs and our homes. The people you love should be there for you even when you are in school and you should give them time also and not make love to your work all the time.

So I’m single once again. And I’m facing a little more drama than just a break up this time.

Since “Brian” and I were so spontaneous the other night we didn’t use any kind of protection in the form of a condom, and I haven’t been on the pill because I haven’t had the money to afford to pay for my prescription. So after I had sex with him Brian asked me to take a morning after pill. I’m not sure if that is against my beliefs or not and I’ve never really considered what could happen to me if I ever were to become pregnant. He’d asked me right after we’d had sex and right away my heart had become heavy. Not only was it heavy from guilt in having just cheated but it was heavy because of how irresponsible I’d been in not considering having safe sex. Though I feel I’d make a great mother and that I should live with the mistakes I made…even if that meant becoming pregnant I realized that I should also consider the men I’m with and whether or not they’d want me to be the mother of their children. Men have a say on if they want to be forced to me fathers also. Brian told me he didn’t want to have children with me and because of that I find myself today taking pills again, This time in order to prevent an accident from happening that could change everyone’s lives forever.

I had to think about these morning after pills for a long time. If I was pregnant this could be killing an unborn child and I’d be killing something and that’s a terrible sin or I am preventing myself from becoming pregnant and making a huge mistake because a man’s sperm can live in a woman’s body up to a week after sex. A baby would be a huge mistake because it would have to survive at this point in my life with a mother who isn’t financially stable and who is still in school.

Though I’d make a great mother and I want to be a mother someday I’m going to take the pills to save my mother the heart attack and the baby from living a life where his/ or her father never loved it’s mother. And to save myself from having to live with the shame that I had a child while cheating on a great man. I want to save myself from having to be alone and pregnant looking for a future husband and I don’t think I’ll be able to establish my career if I’m pregnant.

Brian came by and delivered the pills, he said he was sorry to hear that David and I broke up but he thinks I’m better off and that I deserve someone better who will be there for me. Then he hugged me got in his car and left, we’ve agreed not to have anymore sex and thought I think he actually wanted to stand there and force feed the pills to me I’m happy he trusts me after I swore that I’d take them so I’m going to and I’m happy to be alone to think about what I’ve been doing with my life.

Here goes everything…

So it’s Thanksgiving again and I’m thinking this year has turned around a lot from where I was last year at this time.

Last year around this time I’d just been broken up with my my ex boyfriend Craig, This year I am happy to say that I’ve been blessed with a handsome, caring and intelligent new boyfriend, David. Though David is unable to join my family and I this Thanksgiving because he’s busy doing work for law school I was blessed to be able to see him on Tuesday and he might grace me with his presence Friday also. I’m grateful to have a boyfriend who I can physically see and touch and interact with it’s a total turn around from having a long distance boyfriend who I could only interact with online. It’s nice to have someone I can actually reach out and touch who can touch me back when I want and need it. It’s great to have someone to hug and hold hands with, I’m Thankful this Thanksgiving Holiday for that ability.

My new handsome boyfriend David

I am also Thankful for my job. Though I have a sometime messy and frustrating job I’m thankful that I’m doing something at which I’m good. I’m really great with working with children and the fact that I am surrounded by children and I can play and do fun art projects with them really makes my life more exciting. Even though many of my coworkers are cliquey and even though every little thing I does seems to warrant a meeting with the boss and a threat of losing my job I’m thankful for being able to destress and take my job one day at a time.

I’m Thankful to have a roof over my head and good housemates who take the time to acknowledge my presence. Matthew one of my housemates who is a little older than me and at a higher level in school as I am at MCTC even tutored me through a Chemistry assignment the other night. And when he was making pizza he shared it with me. I am thankful for good friendly conversation that I get to have with my housemates (all except Alton who doesn’t talk to me) in passing.

The day our front tree lost all it's leaves.

Though I absolutely hate my commute, especially now that I’ve had my wallet stolen off a bus I’m thankful that I have a way to get to and from work and I pray that by this time next year I’ll have a brand new car to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for the ability to be able to go to school and get a decent education. My being in school this semester has really shown me that with the right work effort and established work habits that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I’m praying that with God’s grace I’ll actually pass the Chemistry exam that is coming up in a few weeks.

Nutrition Flashcards

I’m Thankful for family, My mother has been there for me when I’ve needed her this past year. I appreciate that bonding I’ve been able to do with my brother Eric while being on the worship team. And though she’s a pest sometimes I’m grateful and Thankful for my little sister for looking up to me and missing me, it makes me feel special. I hope next year I’ll have more to write about Tiffany, Evan, Tyler and my father Ronnie.

I am thankful for being alive under the grace of God and I hope I continue to live to make a positive difference in the world.

I’m Thankful for the friends I’ve had this last year, though I’m not able to see them as much as I’d like to I’m thankful that I have people in my life who check up on me and text me wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and who tell me they care about me. Adam M, Heidi W, Alex J, Mikey B, Ian M, Byron T, James, Cori, Alisa, Julie K, Peter P, Lucy, Tymisha and Dean, and all those people who I forget to mention. I’m Thankful for the people I get to interact with on a regular basis and I wish them all a great and happy Thanksgiving.

I’m Thankful for good food and decent weather, though I get tired of the snow of Winter about one third of the way through it because I must stand outside for Minneapolis Kids recess I’m Thankful for the changes in weather and that I have eyes to see the beauty in the weather. I love that fact that I wake early and I’m able to see the sunrise and that I get to go home and see the sun setting. I’m thankful for being able to enjoy all parts of my day and that I have well working sensory organs.

I’m Thankful for my church, and the people who support and counsel me even when I don’t feel like getting counselling. I’m Thankful that God created those people and brought them together for his purposes. I’m also thankful for the world church as a body working together to being the truth to all nations.

I’m thankful for our nation’s history and the leaders that are currently trying to lead our government even through all the grief and fault that take for the nations problems.

I’m thankful for those who are brave enough to stand up and fight for what they believe in, whether it be the Occupy movement or the oppressed peoples of other countries. I appreciate and am thankful for having a voice that can be heard even if I am small and even if I think I’m insignificant.

I’m Thankful for my past relationships that are no longer for making me the way I am.

I’m thankful for the ability to laugh and smile and feel pain, and cry and live a human life with all it’s roller coaster ups and downs.

I’m thankful for where God placed me in the world and where he’s put me in life, I really have goals set and I’m thankful that I’m taking the steps to accomplish the way of life I’m striving for.

I have a lot more that I’m thankful for, but I’m going to go make some cranberry mold and baked pumpkin with my little sister Cynthia.

I wish everyone a pleasant Thanksgiving.

When Craig and I started Dating not long after I had come back from my trip to Scotland and visiting him I Created a Collage in Homage to the great memories I had with Craig. Whenever I woke up I’d look at it and it would make me smile. I’d remember and i’d memorized every curve of Craig’s face from those pictures.

The collage also had some shots that I really had loved from my times in Scotland that I’d had plans of one day framing and putting in my own house.

Well I still plan on framing my pictures one day but till then I still had that old collage sitting in my closet since I moved in from last OCT. 2010.

I’d been planning on putting it up when I’d moved in in October but Leo died and I didn’t do much of anything with my room. Then November came around and Craig dumped me so I had no reason to put it up because it seemed to only upset me.

I remember how I’d taken the time on the last day of school to tape and laminate all of those pictures. to save them into one big sheet. I remember having spent hours in the computer lab printing them off I think I spent a good 20$ on ink and paper. I also remember the hours I’d taken to first arrange the collage on the floor of my dorm like I wanted it and then onto the wall where it hung for my whole 2nd semester.

Now I needed to get rid of it because it was a terrible reminder of all the good times Craig and I had had and it brought me much pain to think of it sitting there in the closet. So what did I do to get rid of that pain and this reminder of my relationship with Craig?

I burned the damn thing.

It was a spur of the moment thing…I grabbed the poster out of the closet…and I started walking and I didn’t look back, I marched downstairs where I asked Mark if he had a lighter…he said no so I marched up to the stove, turned it on and set the damn thing on fire…Walking outside to the fire pit I dropped it in and the whole thing was quickly engulfed in fire and smoke. It went so fast and my heart only ached after it for a second as I watched my face and his melt into flames and ash. I sat there and watched it while wearing my Easter best and the feeling of the warmth on my face that turned to cold was symbolic in some way of my feelings for Craig.  Warmth and light to cold darkness. I felt so relieved when it was finally gone that I wanted to call my mother and dance and shout for joy.

The Collage, as taken 2/2009 and the Collage burning 4/2011

I really loved Craig and sadly the memories of our times together are still burned into my head though the pictures I’d printed are now gone.

I hope that I can find peace when I get the guts to burn the rest of Craig’s stuff.
I chose to burn it so that there would be no way of me digging it back up….like I might do to something i’d just throw in the garbage.

When it comes to things like the locket Craig gave me I’m unsure of what I can do with it.

But his letters and gifts to me have got to go soon…I need to move on!

Corinne S: Can I share a sad sad tale with you?

byron trautmann: Ok

Corinne S: there once was a girl, lets say her name was Corinne and she lived in a big house in minneapolis with 5 strapping gentlemen.

byron trautmann: Lol ok

Corinne S: One day she was paying outside for too long during a blizzard and it caused her to become deathly ill.

byron trautmann: :(

Corinne S: She was trapped in her small room with no medicine and no one to take care of her for 2 days. the strapping gentlemen she lived with turned out to be self centered pigs

byron trautmann: That’s no good

Corinne S: After two days she developed a terrible fever and she thought it would be the true death of her. She decided to call the one person she thought still cared about her. Can you guess who that one person may have been?

byron trautmann: You lol

Corinne S: let me give you a hint: It wasn’t a strapping Prince because she realized not so long ago that princes are all jerks and assholes …She couldn’t call herself because she was completely too weak to do anything, she barely had enough energy to type on her computer.

byron trautmann: :(

Corinne S: give up?

byron trautmann: It was you

Corinne S: Okay you obviously can’t figure it out, well she decided to call the one person who she knew who’d given her life…her dear mother who lived not so far away in North Minneapolis

byron trautmann: Cool

Corinne S: her caring mother told her that she was busy with meetings but would be by to rescue the poor girl as soon those meetings were over. Well the girl waited and as she waited her fever slowly began rising and rising until she passed out on her couch and into a deep sleep. About an hour later she was woken by the cold hands of her mother with orders to pack up for the mother was taking the girl to the land of North Minneapolis with her to provide her with proper care.

byron trautmann: Lol nice

Corinne S: The young girl was completely elated and she packed her bag as swiftly as she could considering her condition and she walked with her mother through the freezing cold and to the old rickety car. They set off finally to the land of North Minneapolis. But along the way the mother stopped at the castle of Target and told the girl that she’d only be a moment. For the mother realized she didn’t have any medicines in the kingdom of North Minneapolis to help her poor fevered daughter.

byron trautmann: Cool

Corinne S: Too weak to walk inside the girl agreed to wait in the rickety car while the mother went inside for 2 things…medicine and gloves. the girl was in a lot of pain but she knew how fast the task could be done, she estimated about 10 minutes at maximum and that they’d be on their way after that so she agreed. The girl waited in the car for the designated time but there was still no sign of the mother. 10 minutes went by…20 minutes went by… 30 minutes went by….when suddenly an hour had gone passed the girl was confused at worried.she mustered up all her strength and marched bravely into the target to retrieve her mother. she found her mother in the check out line with 2 whole carts of clothing and still no medicine. frustrated and confused the girl told her mother of her pains while she waited and finally the mother went and got medicine.

Because the girl had complained of her hour wait in the car and because the mother was really evil deep down inside and cared more about herself than her poor sick daughter the mother turned around and took the poor weak sick girl right back to her house, the same house in which she lived with the 5 men who didn’t care about her. The mother gave the girl the medicine and sped off without a trace or a care. The poor sick girl did get a chance to say thank you for the medicine before she’d gotten out of the car though, because she was still grateful so the sick girl went back up to her room and took the proper dosage of medication, though it pained her to open the bottles, and she settled down to a conversation with the only nice young gentlemen who was nice enough to say hello.

She discovered that he too was sick.
the end
[12/14/2010 11:19:06 PM] byron trautmann: Well are you feeling better?
[12/14/2010 11:20:04 PM] Corinne S: slightly.My fever seems to be breaking. Nyquill in system falling asleep

[12/14/2010 11:28:26 PM] byron trautmann: That good: )

I’ve gotten to the point where mornings are a happy time and nights are when all my feelings and emotions about Craig have been coming to my mind a to a head.

I wonder if this is similar to the alzheimers patients at the nursing homes at which I did my clinical days. They all had to most trouble and emotional distress at night before they needed to go to bed but during the morning hours everything seemed in them to be completely fine and they seemed like totally normal people.

At this point I’ve gotten to blaming Craig for everything bad that is happening in my life.

eg. the bad weather, my bad mood, my illnesses, my missing my bus, my not being able to find my winter boots and hat, the way I hate when people spit on the sidewalk, that annoying sound the hallway floor makes when I walk down on it and much more etc.

All things bad at this point I’ve found myself associating with him.

I don’t want to be in a bad mood during the day when I think of him and I’m trying to get out of the habit of thinking of his habits…

like things he’s said to me over the phone and the way he used to make me laugh.

He is associated with so much good in my life but the feelings I get when I think of him make me feel really bad when I think about those same things.

Good things I used to associate with him have now become the things I avoid because they only bring me pain.

I feel that I may be able to remedy these feelings if I were to simply be able to chat with Craig and ask him why, or just say goodbye to him.

But right now he’s completely ignoring me. The last time I talked to him was on the 14th of November the day before I got held up, we had a fantastic video call that I ended with what had become my regular “I love you” farewell salutation.

The last memory I had of Craig was a great one and the last pictures I have of Craig were sent to me in complete fun.

I don’t understand how so much bad can spawn from so much good.

And because he’s not willing to face me and help me figure this out I am completely lost to these emotions being the roller-coaster they are. I’ve been watching movies lately trying not to think of him but considering how my favorite genre of film is probably the independent romantic comedy and drama, I’ve been having a really hard time not being reminded of him.

I’ve been considering switching my favorite genre to horror films so I’m so scared out of my pants that I forget all about Craig but I realize that those films only make me want to hold the hand of someone who I can trust and I think once again to the bad guy in this story.

I wish I wasn’t such an emotional person, when I was crying to my mother multiple times these last few weeks uncontrollably she told me that she couldn’t deal with me. She’d gone through her own troubles with men and considering how she’d had to go through the pain of a 26 year marriage then a divorce all by herself and still be strong for her children, in comparison a two year relationship is nothing special.

“Salone woman don’t cry over men.” I remember my mom repeatedly instructing me.

The first time I’d ever heard that from her was when I’d been dumped by Scott Haiden the day we’d moved into our new apartment…he’d made my room a place that reminded me of sadness.

Now I’m hearing this from my mother over Craig along with her saying that she doesn’t want me to talk about him and that I shouldn’t want to talk to him again.

I shouldn’t want him in my life at all, but with this roller coaster happening daily and giving me a positive feeling in the mornings that I might be able to rekindle a friendship with Craig in the mornings I can’t help but feel miserable at night when Craig avoids me and refuses to answer my messages.

What a cruel thing to do to a person when you say you still want to be their ‘good friend’.

I’ve stopped checking up on him daily because it pains me that he is not showing any signs of mourning the loss of me in his life. I know that is selfish that I want him in pain but some sign that he misses me is always better for ones self esteem than no sign what so ever.

Maybe keeping myself busy may help, I am working like I used to and I’m trying to figure out where I sit at my school this semester.

I’m hoping that soon my thoughts of what Craig was to me will fade in time.

I realize now that’s we’d developed a rhythm in our conversation over the years that I haven’t been able to pick up with any of my other male friends (Outside of Alex Jeffrey but at the moment I’m upset with him.) I’m hoping to find someone in my life later who will be able to know me and read me as Craig did.

I hate hearing people say that I should simply forget about him and never mention him again, I can’t help my being surrounded by constant reminders of him because in the deepest part of my being I can see him being the and being my beginning and end…Like in the movie Peter and Vandy.

I’ve been watching a lot of great movies to help me understand my terrible and happy feelings.

1) Someone like you

2) Peter and Vandy

3) 100 Days of Summer

I hope to never bump into Craig in life somewhere on the streets and have that awkward moment where we ask each other what we are both doing in life only to discover that Craig moved on and met some beautiful woman and got married to her and after dumping me never looked back and thought about what we were and may have been.

That’s a lot to think about.

I’m trying to not let my emotions run wild as I search for someone or something to fill this void in my heart that Craig has created.

I talked to Michael Craig’s old classmate and he said that he’d talked to Craig, not about me but since we broke up and he says that Craig seems to be doing fine.

Michael told me that I didn’t love Craig and that Love had nothing to do with my liking of how Craig made me feel. He says I do this to myself…the sadness and the pain is a feeling that I create for myself and wouldn’t be present if I’d been the one doing the dumping…if I’d been in control, if I’d won.

I liked how Craig made me feel special and important and that’s what I thought was a feeling of love when really love isn’t a feeling at all but an action. Fitz says that I need to simply move on because it is obvious that Craig has.

I don’t understand how Craig can be acting like himself when he’s hurt his friend the way he has.

But I guess we aren’t really friends anymore.

It’s impossible to be friends with a person after a relationship like this when after 2 years they just change their minds about their feelings for you.

After Craig just changed his mind about his feelings for me…How can I now be his friend?

So he’s not broken up about me and ‘he’s won’ as my housemates would call it.

They say he’s won this dog race of a break up with flying closers and I am the sad loser crawling home with my tail between my legs.

I don’t really care that he’s won, I just wish I could find a person who I could develop that rhythm with again.

They keep telling me that there are plenty of other fish in the sea…But I have yet to find one that I’d like to even consider baiting a hook for.

Gosh, …maybe 1 or 2 but Still…they aren’t interesting in biting (especially not for me.

Anyway, I just hope that this crazy bipolar emotional roller coaster I’m on slows down or comes to a stand still soon because I’d like to see if I can get somewhere in my life without this pain.