The Husband— ?????

I was thinking about how the year is coming to an end and everything I’ve done in the past year and accomplished and everything that I hope to accomplish in the next up coming year.

So Like I’ve done in years past I’m going to write down some solid New Years Resolutions for the year of 2012.

It’s said that 2012 may be the end of the world because that’s when the Early Mayan peoples stopped calculating on their calendars but I don’t believe that to be true.

But I’d still have to say that my first New Year Resolution for 2012 is to

1) “Simply Survive“…I just want to make it through 2012 is one piece, alive and healthy with a stable enough life like I have now. The next time I’ll be writing a list of resolutions two semesters in school and a Summer would have passed and I may or may not be where I want to be to be able to sign up for the MCTC nursing program. I want to live my day to day without getting super depressed that I’m not making any progress, I want to look at each day in a more positive light.

My 2nd Resolution: Would be to
2) “Not be a quitter”- Whether this is in my relationship with David, at my workplace(s) or in my school work I’d like to keep going with everything I start until I succeed, and if I fail I’d like to know that I made my very best effort.

3) “Enjoy Life for what is has to offer” This past year I can honestly say I didn’t have many adventures, the whole year outside of a time I went to Michigan to represent my church I’ve been in Minnesota, and what I’ve been doing here has mainly been working, going to school and watching a lot of movies. I’d like to be able to get out and enjoy Minnesota for what it has to offer me, I want to explore new parts of the city and enjoy the weather. And create a new outlook on life even during the boring times.

4) Get out of Debt: I recently looked at my expenses again and in order to figure out how much money I’d need to make a month in order to continue living the life I am and still be able to save for a car or a new apartment in the future. I discovered that If I continue on I’ll be able to get out of all my Debt to Hamline University, to MCTC and to the Various Hospitals and organizations I’m a part of that I haven’t been paying by this time next year if I keep my consistent hours at working at Minneapolis Kids at Burroughs and working at my new workplace. I don’t want my pushing to get out of debt to interfere with my ability to do well in school though, this is the only thing that worries me I’m going to get so overwhelmed and wrapped up working that I’ll have no time for school.

5) Learn How to Prioritize.- Most people who know me know that I value strange things and I prioritize things that I value rather than what I should be prioritizing to make life easier on myself. I value my relationships but I don’t value my family, I value what I do with my money now rather than worrying about how I’ll save my money for the future. I also Value work over school which seems to make life harder because I need to do well in school in order to do better work. I’ve learned a lot of these life lessons over the past year and I’d like to be able to say ‘first things first’ and actually know where I’m going to go when I need to place value on things.

6) Lose More Weight: I’m proud to say that though an unhealthy weight I have maintained the same weight for the last few months and over the summer I actually lost weight. This past year I was a member of a gym called LA Fitness and because of some financial difficulty that I’m still trying to get out of I’ve found myself once again without a means of working out. I do do a lot of walking on a regular basis and I find myself jogging to and from the bus stop often but that’s not enough. I want to find some means of exercise which can be incorporated into my everyday routine, maybe it’s rollerskating because I discovered I am good at it and that I enjoy it or maybe it’s just biking like my housemates do 24/7, I don’t know. Part of that is the simple step I can take of eating more healthy, David said that he could help me with that and I’m hoping to get a George Foreman grill because David swears by it. In general I just want to GET FIT.

7) Get even More Organized than I already Have- This past year I’ve come a long way in maintaining the clutter that is my room. I have installed and organized to the point where everything now has a decent place. I realized though that when I move in the future that I want a place with walk in closets. Or I want to be able to build myself walk in closets because a bulk of my bulk is clothing and I don’t feel like getting rid of much of it now. My room currently is so small that it constantly needs to be converted for me to be able to do simple things such as play a board game, sleep or watch television on my computer. I’m getting tired of having to move everything around in order to do simple tasks so I want to eventually maybe in the next year find a place where I can have enough room to roam and be able to store what I want to to bring out later. Getting more organized may help me manage my stress better, calm easily maintained environment might mean a calmer me.

8) Maintain relationships: I’m proud to say that unlike last year where I was getting over Craig I have a great man who though he has his faults I’d like to keep around for awhile and have adventures with. I’m not on that search for a boyfriend “Thank God.” and i’m not wondering what the wide world of dating has to offer me, instead I’m in a perfectly good spot in my relationship with David and I’m finally starting the see breakthroughs in how he and I communicate and understand each other as for dating at this point I’m going to keep things open I’m not looking for anyone on the side but David said that if something better comes along that I should take it. So far nothing better has come along that can be long term. I think that’s what I’m looking for now, not just a boyfriend who will be around for a few months who I give a lot to and who leaves, I want something that will last more than a year. David and I have potential to last more than a year, three months have flown by and I think part of it is because we are able to give each other enough space to live our separate lives. Though I’d like to see parts of our lives coming together more like him meeting my family and me meeting his family for now I’m pretty content with him coming over and spending time with me. Anytime at all can be hectic I know with his crazy law school schedule. Part of that maintaining this relationship would be not being so clingy and demanding so much of David, it’s hard because it seems to me that David thinks my wanting anything at all is from him is being too demanding …that’s something we have to work on.

9) Find Church again: I didn’t write a blog about being kicked off the worship team because I thought getting into a big fuss over it all would be a huge waste of my time. I didn’t write a blog about not attending church because of a lack of motivation to do so because I didn’t feel it was something that was worth blogging about just yet and I’ve been busy and haven’t really had the time to blog as much as I wish I could. I was kicked off the team because Matt and Peter think that I need to become reconciled with something in my life that’s going on before I can help lead a congregation in worship.  They think I’m going through some sort of spiritual battle and they think i should seek some kind of counseling. There’s nothing crazy going on in my life right now that isn’t normal for someone my age to be going through, I’m experiencing life as everyone else does and I’m trying to get by. Counseling is expensive and unnecessary in my particular case because anything a counselor might say to me is the exact thing I could discover by making mistakes and learning those life lessons on my own. I accept that things aren’t perfect in my life and that I have a lot to work on but that’s the same for everyone that God put on this planet. I am in a relationship and it scares me that I might be trying to commit myself to a person who might not be meant for me, but I’m experiencing it because even if David isn’t “the one” I’ve learned a lot from the relationships I’ve already experienced and the experiences I’ve had have taught me much about what I am looking for in a partner.

I’m looking for a love in a man and I am looking to love a man just like those famous passages in Corinthians 13 talking about love:

¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I see a lot of good things in David and I hope that over time I will learn to love him or that through my experiences with him I’ll be able to better love another. There is no loss of faith in me in that respect and I don’t need to go to church to know what I should seek in LOVE.

I’m working and my coworkers are frustrating at times when they make my job harder and cause me unwanted stress. They are mean and inconsiderate and lazy and I can honestly say if at times if it weren’t for work and the fact that I might lose my job, I would quickly curse some of them out for acting the way they do. They aren’t the worst kind of people for they do have the abilities to make the children at my work place happy but they aren’t good to me and some of my other coworkers. They do good but there isn’t much love in them but for those who are their own and mean like themselves. I’ve watched and I’ve taken a lot of shit because of their wanting to make someone look worse than themselves. I don’t need to go to church every Sunday to know how I need to deal with them because being in church as I grew up I’ve learned that Jesus instructs me to Love my enemies in Luke 6:27:

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

So at work I’m learning to turn the other cheek and so far being nice to those who mistreat me, though it isn’t always easy has kept me my job for the last year and a half.

I’m also in School and though it’s hard I don’t need to go to church to know that God created me to do good things and produce good fruit from all my hard work. I have a good heart because of God and what I produce in the world will be good it says so clearly in the Bible.

 ⁴³ “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. ⁴⁴ Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers. ⁴⁵ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

All these things I’ve learned to deal with over the years and God has taught me many lessons about how to deal with people in those settings and in those situations.

Learning about God in church in my life has taught be a lot.

I have enough knowledge to deal with my day to day struggles so I don’t feel I need to attend church every Sunday I’m taking a break from Church for awhile. I need to find myself and reestablish a positive relationship with God on my own and where Gods place in my life is. I want to get out of thinking about church in a legalistic way where I hate that I can’t be myself in church and everyone pretends that life is just so fine and dandy and no one can really says what they want to say to a person’s face.For example: when my mother was planning on putting my cat down I was against it, that was this summer and I vocalized my feelings to her and the cat still lives today and is doing much better than she was a couple of months ago. And when my brother didn’t want to go to college and instead decided he’d rather join the military because he’s afraid he can’t afford to go to school I was against it, and the many soldiers I know (except Jason) were also against it. I want to go to church when I know I can really praise God again and not have to worry about How the way I’m living my life will reflect how holy and great the church itself is. We all make mistakes and God is helping me through mine in his own way and his own time. I don’t need the people at my church judging me. It’s not that I’m no longer a Christian I just haven’t been going to the Christian gatherings because I don’t feel that they are genuine anymore. But this next year I’d like to find a way to come back to church whether it’s a different church or not I’m unsure.

For some reason when I think of the church now I think of what Jesus said : “The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” Meaning that I can do what I want on Sunday as long as my heart is there. And I can have communion with bread and grape juice whenever I want to at home, every meal I have can be my communion…I still pray I still believe I still want God to be in the lives of the people I love and care about. I believe that God blesses me daily. Enough said.

10) Learn to Love myself: Which means taking care of myself and thinking about what I deserve rather than what others think and want. I hear that is the only way I’ll find self esteem and confidence in this world, apparently everyone says I don’t know myself and that I’m afraid of my own company and as soon as I find myself I’ll find where I’m going in life. So that is definitely a goal.

1. He’s a law student and a teacher and he’s trying to fit me into his busy schedule.
2.  He’s kind of quirky and particular about the little things.
3.  He finds pleasure in making me uncomfortable,
4. he’s a lot stronger than I am physically and when we wrestle he has the ability to throw me.
5.  He has greenish, bluish, gray eyes that fit perfectly into Jaymay’s gray or blue song and they are constantly getting dried out.
6.  He won’t kiss me if I have just put raw cookie dough into my mouth.
7.  He won’t kiss me if I’ve just scarfed down a vanilla wafer.
8.  He won’t have his picture taken
9. . He won’t look at me while he’s driving.
10.  When he has work and things to do that’s exactly what he means, when he’s busy don’t call him or email or text him…he’s busy and therefore can’t talk.
11. He doesn’t accept gifts and he doesn’t give gifts.
12.  He will test drive every truck in the state to find one that will last him 12+ years.
13. He won’t put up with a person wasting his time, be that when you’re setting up equipment for watching a movie or if you’re taking too much time debating a word in a scrabble game that you know is not a word.
14.  He won’t eat anything that isn’t natural and that has the word loaf in it.
15.  Yes, he’s a picky eater.
16.  He will not go back to a restaurant after having one bad experience with it while he was hungry.
17. He will not trust me with directions.
18.  He’s self conscious about his weight and his abilities
19. he’s sexy and he doesn’t know it.
20. He’s losing his hair but would look good bald and he thinks that take away from his over all attractiveness.
21.  Unless I give him a specific amount of chocolate chips David will put in the whole bag if I tell him to ‘just put a few in’.
22. David is literal most of the time, he’s also extremely calculated.
23.  He will give you an hour and a half and call it a complete date it’s midnight…and he needs to go home and go to bed.
24. He’s an extremely dedicated person.
25. He’s not a good elementary school teacher.
26.  He doesn’t think he has good enough genes to have children, he thinks his children will come out hairy.
27.  He doesn’t like his body hair
28. . He knows all there needs to be able trucks.
29.  He used to race vehicles.
30.  He will not say the words yes or no.
31.  His clothing doesn’t fit his broad shoulders, his pants don’t fit him if he works out too much.
32. He is a fan of Top Gear because he likes to hosts.
33.  He will always win an argument.
34. He looks up to his friends because they live the lives he wishes he could
35. He hates his nails
36. He’s not going to call you
37. He is shy sometimes
38. He always says the right things
39. He will open your door for you but you’ll have to ask
40. He doesn’t believe in romance
41. He’s a non romantic
42. He likes to say things like “This is insane, this is ridiculous, and this is bullshit’
43. What he believes is a certain way is a certain way
44. He is all man.
45. He has the ability to handle a lot of pain
46. He won’t see a doctor if he can handle it himself
47. His Bunnies are very important to him
48. He isn’t close to his mother
49. He misses his college buddies
50. He will buy a person a taco and say ‘Merry Christmas, here’s your present’
51. He wants more piercings.
52. He’s not comfortable with the Human condition
53. He’s actually an alien
54. Sometimes he feels he’s not worthy of my affection toward him
55. He’s forgiving and True
56. He has great taste.

I’m So happy right now, even though I still think he can be an asshole…he’s MY ASSHOLE and that’s all I care about.

Everyone kept saying that if it was meant to be than it was meant to be…and I really think it is meant to be, though he’s kind of Obsessive compulsive he knows how to make me happy.

I’m never going to put myself into a situation like the other night. If I miss and want David I’m just going to work it out and forget about everyone else.

This is a fantastic situation to find myself back in…I still have a boyfriend and he still cares about me.

My heart toward him hadn’t changed and I’m happy he saw that and that we were able to work things out again.

I don’t know what this will mean, but I hope it will mean that I’ll be able to have adventures with David and we can share things with one another though he doesn’t like the human condition of woman and men sharing their feelings.

I really hope that he’ll be able to spend Christmas with me so I can show him off because she’s truly the best thing happening in my life. I have no money, my job sucks and My health isn’t at it’s best.

I want and hope to improve myself fully :D I’m so happy that he was able to forgive me and I was able to see him one last time…It got to the point where I was asking him if it was some type of cruel joke that he’d had a change of heart and honestly he told me no, he just wanted to.

I’m happy that I can be there for him and support him and watch him graduate and I hope that one day he’ll feel comfortable enough to invite me over to his house as I have him into mine.

I’ve been really screwing up my life recently and I know what the main reason I’ve been doing it is.

I’m crazy addicted to sex.

The whole thing has been messing with my life and the relationships I’ve been making with people. I only really have male friends because I’m always out to find this prince charming character I’m looking for.

Often I’ve considered what life would be like if I became a nun and swore to a life of abstinence but I feel that I’d be a good mother and that it would be a loss to society if I weren’t to have children…plus I want to have that experience one day.

I know having sex is a sin, and that I keep committing it it’s a struggle I’ve been having with God and I’m still trying to figure out how I’ll stop sinning. In the Christian faith it is a sin to commit the sin of fornication and adultery on the person you will eventually call your spouse. I know it’s a sin but I keep committing it and I’m too embarrassed to seek professional help to stop doing it. Many people in regular society have different opinions on sex and if you should have sex before marriage.

Many people would have thought I am still a virgin…I’m here now saying that sadly though I wish I was still one, I’m not.

I wish I’d saved myself for marriage so I couldn’t go through the pains of having given a piece of myself to so many men.

I was introduced to sex at a young age and I haven’t gotten up the courage enough to share that part of myself with many people outside of my therapist and the people at my church. After my experience losing my virginity in youth I asked God for forgiveness and I became a virgin again in spirit though not physically. I was nineteen years old with one of the men in Theta Chi when I willingly gave up that virginity and it felt like any girl’s first time, It hurt and I cried but then it became more enjoyable the more I tried it.

After that my feelings toward sex changed completely,

I developed by first sexual relationship when I was in Scotland with Craig and when I got back from Scotland. At the time I’d thought that Craig was going to be the man I was going to marry and since in my heart I was married to Craig I didn’t look at what I was doing with my body as a sin because I wasn’t committing adultery because I was with the man I wanted to be with. I found that sex was easy to come to when the mood was right and whenever i could while I was in Scotland I didn’t hesitate to indulge in it.

When I got back to the states I’d discovered that Craig had opened up some wild beast in me that I’d never known I’d had. While I was with Craig but away from him in the United States I found myself being extremely lonely and my sexual urges were never met. Many people would simply masturbate, which I find was not something I liked to enjoyed doing. There’s only so much phone sex a person can have before it’s no longer enjoyable.
Because I was so lonely and had become so desperate even for someone to hold or touch me after a year and a half of being alone physically but not in my heart I one night found solace in another, I happened to be extremely drunk that night…which is no excuse but it did add to my lapse in judgement. I felt a lot of shame after that experience especially because it didn’t solve all my problems with being lonely and it wasn’t what I was used to with Craig.
After I told Craig he was really hurt but he still loved me and he understood and he did end up forgiving me. It took a lot of time for me to regain his trust and I’m proud to say we were together for a year after that happened.
I still can’t explain to myself what happened to Craig and I in the time after I got deported, I didn’t see him breaking up with me coming and my heart will never be the same after having him turn his heart from me so quickly and not having anyway to change his mind or make him feel better. I really loved Craig and he was my first love and I felt that I’d never be able to love anyone ever again. I gave so much of myself to him and in my heart I felt a lot of shame having married him with my heart and body. Shame that everything I gave to him I’d never be able to get back.

During the year after the breakup I didn’t have sex with anyone and the ache that I had for Craig never went away because as soon as Craig broke up with me I felt totally worthless.
I began to not care much about my body because I thought I’d lost to one man I’d ever want to be with in a sexual way. When I started dating again I was in search of a man who could be there like a friend like Craig was with me but also be there because I had needs. Instead of finding love or friendship I found a never ending series of men who weren’t after a relationship and were only after sex. Since I didn’t believe in love anymore or anything having to do with happily ever after I am ashamed to say that I often let myself get used to sex and often misinterpreted that sex as a man caring and loving me. I thought that just because a man had sex with me that he actually wanted to be with me and keep me around but time and time again I found that men weren’t interested in me after we’d had sex, not because I wasn’t good but because they’d gotten what they’d wanted out of me and they didn’t need me anymore. Sometimes I’d have sex with a man because I thought we really hit it off and could go somewhere in a relationship. I much too often misinterpret a man wanting to have sex with me with love or even like. I tricked myself time and time again and I knew the signs I was having sex with someone and I would not fully be there, my mind would be lost and it was like I had an out of body experience where I’d turn myself off for the time we were in bed and I’d become a robot. Though at time it was enjoyable I often didn’t feel passion in what I was doing. Sometimes I just did it to make the man feel like he was worth something. There was a part of a man wanting me that I enjoyed and that’s what I walked away with.

After Craig broke up with my I lost all respect for myself and my body.

After a series of men I didn’t understand why I slept with I found myself looking for something else. Someone who wouldn’t only want me for my body but another relationship.

I searched and looked and a few times I thought I found that special person in someone, there was Chris and Reed…who both in the end told me that I wasn’t what they were looking for though they saw potential in me, they’ve both now moved on to healthy relationships with other women. I got used to the rejection and I got used to being used for the sex. I went on many dates where in refusing sex I was rejected by the man and I’m happy I was spared by that heartbreak.

For awhile I was doing much better and I stopped having sex.

I thought everything was going great when I was just dating men and seeing if we hit it off. I made the mistake of having a few dates with a man named Jason who I eventually ended up having sex with I was surprised to discover that Jason ended up giving me an STD. Jason and I didn’t work out because after our great dates and our night together Jason discovered he’d had the STD and he’d been too embarrassed to tell me and he instead hid from me in shame and blew me off when I tried to get ahold of him for more dates. It wasn’t until 2 months later that I finally heard back from him and he told me why he’d blown me off. “Corinne, I didn’t want to tell you that I had an STD.”

“What?! You had one and could have given it to me and you didn’t have the common decency to tell me so I could get tested?!”

“No.”

“Asshole!” *click*

Since it had been two months and I’d already come to the reality that Jason wasn’t interested in me I’d already moved on in continuing my search for a new boyfriend. Since being with Jason I’d grown close to an old crush i’d had from High school and during the two months after Jason I ended up having sex, ‘once’ with this high school crush for we’d become really close and one hot summer day the heat got the best of both of us. That friend had been the only man I’d been with since Jason had blown me off and I had to turn around and tell him that I may have passed something onto him. After he was tested he discovered that he had been given something and I was tested and I discovered that Jason had given that something to me. I was so embarrassed that I’d turned around and given to a really close friend of mine who I had finally hooked up with an STD.That was extremely embarrassing and I daily thank my loving and supportive mother for buying the two little pills it took for me to get over that.

After that I swore off sex completely. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before and I took time to focus on work and school and not on my relationship status or sexual life.

Many many months went by and the feelings of loneliness and wanting companionship came back. I decided that this time around I’d try looking for real genuine men who weren’t after me for sex.

About two months ago I met a great guy named David and for awhile I thought David was the man I was going to actually be with forever. He was supportive of me even though I have many flaws and he was not with me for sex, which I really appreciated. Everything with David was amazing except for the fact that he was too busy with Law school to be in a relationship with anyone. He had no time for me and though I cared about him and we were very good together. There were times that David’s quirkiness and mannerisms really didn’t go well with me. After being with David for a month I felt really neglected, It felt similar to the neglected way I was feeling when Craig wouldn’t try to contact me for days at a time. I always imagined that a man who actually loved and cared about me would want to talk to me and see how I was doing or would keep me updated on his life and wouldn’t be vague with me on how he was feeling or what he was thinking. And I didn’t find any of that in David.  He simply wasn’t free to be around enough to do any of that and when he was with me he was so distracted by thoughts of the work he had to get done that he didn’t really give me his all and I always felt like he was aching to go and get back to whatever he’d been doing before he’d come over to see me. When I started to complain about that all he could do was apologize and threaten to break up with me. He didn’t even try to fight or change to keep me around, he just had the attitude of a person who was saying ‘if you can’t handle it…leave’. Because I fear being alone of course I begged that he stay and I told him that I could handle not having him around all the time…at least until he graduated in May, which didn’t seem that far away. And I settled for less and less of him…I would text him in the morning “Have a great day, I hope your day is super productive and that it goes smoothly”(…things like that.) I’d hope that during the day that he’d find the time to text me back when I text him “How is your day going?’ and at night I’d cross my fingers that he’d answer a phone call from me…which he more often than not, didn’t answer. I’d leave voice mails “Hey it’s me Corinne, When you get the time give me a call!” And I’d receive nothing in return. I had told David that I could handle being alone because I was alone when I was with Craig but honestly that’s not the kind of man I feel and know I deserve and need to be with. I need a man who is there for me when I need him and doesn’t have to put me on his schedule. I started growing tired of waiting by the phone for David to respond to my texts and phone calls. I got tired of having to only have him over for an hour and have him disappear like Cinderella at midnight, getting frustrated when I was upset he couldn’t stay fifteen minutes longer (if it meant finishing a movie). I got tired of hearing David say that I was wasting his time and that he couldn’t spend the night (not even having sex) because he needed to feed his bunnies.

In order to cope with not being with David all the time I started trying to make new friends and hangout with old ones. I would focus on school and bury myself in my work. Often I found myself hanging out with that old friend from the summer who I’d given the STD to. He’d long since forgiven me and we were able to hangout and talk about our struggles with love lives with one another. That friend lets call him ‘Brian’ told me honestly that he’d never be able to love me and be my boyfriend because he wasn’t attracted to me in that way, but he wasn’t against being there for me when I needed a male body or a shoulder to cry on or a man to take me out to dinner and a movie. Brian was the perfect friend with benefits though when I’d been with him over the summer I’d wanted him to be more than that. When David told me that he was incapable of ever being in love again I had a really bad feeling in my gut and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me I deserved better. When David told me that he never gave presents and didn’t believe in God I had a bad feeling in my gut, and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me that my boyfriend was an asshole, i defended David but felt hurt in my heart that he’d presented me with tacos and had said “Merry Christmas” because he’d paid. When David wasn’t there for me when I needed company Brian was more than willing to stop everything he was doing to hangout and watch a movie with me. One of these nights in my own weakness I once again found myself attracted to Brian and Brian once again became that person in my life to offer me comfort when I was lonely. I once again found myself having sex with Brian.

After I cheated on David I felt terrible and right away. I wanted David more than ever before because I knew that even though he was an asshole he was a good guy that I’d grown to really love. I’d really screwed things up with David and as I’d done with Craig before in order to clear my conscientiousness and be honest in my relationship with David I confessed to him that I had done him wrong. I felt terrible about the whole thing even though I had cared for David and he was a great thing in my life I’d gone with what my body needed rather than what my life needed. I’d given into my ever growing addiction to sex and I’d let someone I was growing to really care about down. I’m a pretty terrible person for having done this ‘yet again to another’ boyfriend and I’m wondering what it means. Am I really in love with the men I think I am? I think if I was in love with them as I tell myself I wouldn’t need to find comfort in another.

Anyway, David had a good right to break up with me and even though I’m sad about it I feel that David and I are now both a little better off. I want a man who puts forth more effort to show me that he’s there and wants to be with me a man who puts me on his priorities list. Because I believe that even after school is gone we will all grow old and our relationships will continue after we have our jobs and our homes. The people you love should be there for you even when you are in school and you should give them time also and not make love to your work all the time.

So I’m single once again. And I’m facing a little more drama than just a break up this time.

Since “Brian” and I were so spontaneous the other night we didn’t use any kind of protection in the form of a condom, and I haven’t been on the pill because I haven’t had the money to afford to pay for my prescription. So after I had sex with him Brian asked me to take a morning after pill. I’m not sure if that is against my beliefs or not and I’ve never really considered what could happen to me if I ever were to become pregnant. He’d asked me right after we’d had sex and right away my heart had become heavy. Not only was it heavy from guilt in having just cheated but it was heavy because of how irresponsible I’d been in not considering having safe sex. Though I feel I’d make a great mother and that I should live with the mistakes I made…even if that meant becoming pregnant I realized that I should also consider the men I’m with and whether or not they’d want me to be the mother of their children. Men have a say on if they want to be forced to me fathers also. Brian told me he didn’t want to have children with me and because of that I find myself today taking pills again, This time in order to prevent an accident from happening that could change everyone’s lives forever.

I had to think about these morning after pills for a long time. If I was pregnant this could be killing an unborn child and I’d be killing something and that’s a terrible sin or I am preventing myself from becoming pregnant and making a huge mistake because a man’s sperm can live in a woman’s body up to a week after sex. A baby would be a huge mistake because it would have to survive at this point in my life with a mother who isn’t financially stable and who is still in school.

Though I’d make a great mother and I want to be a mother someday I’m going to take the pills to save my mother the heart attack and the baby from living a life where his/ or her father never loved it’s mother. And to save myself from having to live with the shame that I had a child while cheating on a great man. I want to save myself from having to be alone and pregnant looking for a future husband and I don’t think I’ll be able to establish my career if I’m pregnant.

Brian came by and delivered the pills, he said he was sorry to hear that David and I broke up but he thinks I’m better off and that I deserve someone better who will be there for me. Then he hugged me got in his car and left, we’ve agreed not to have anymore sex and thought I think he actually wanted to stand there and force feed the pills to me I’m happy he trusts me after I swore that I’d take them so I’m going to and I’m happy to be alone to think about what I’ve been doing with my life.

Here goes everything…

Last year around this time I’d just been broken up with my my ex boyfriend Craig, This year I am happy to say that I’ve been blessed with a handsome, caring and intelligent new boyfriend, David. Though David is unable to join my family and I this Thanksgiving because he’s busy doing work for law school I was blessed to be able to see him on Tuesday and he might grace me with his presence Friday also. I’m grateful to have a boyfriend who I can physically see and touch and interact with it’s a total turn around from having a long distance boyfriend who I could only interact with online. It’s nice to have someone I can actually reach out and touch who can touch me back when I want and need it. It’s great to have someone to hug and hold hands with, I’m Thankful this Thanksgiving Holiday for that ability.

My new handsome boyfriend David

I am also Thankful for my job. Though I have a sometime messy and frustrating job I’m thankful that I’m doing something at which I’m good. I’m really great with working with children and the fact that I am surrounded by children and I can play and do fun art projects with them really makes my life more exciting. Even though many of my coworkers are cliquey and even though every little thing I does seems to warrant a meeting with the boss and a threat of losing my job I’m thankful for being able to destress and take my job one day at a time.

I’m Thankful to have a roof over my head and good housemates who take the time to acknowledge my presence. Matthew one of my housemates who is a little older than me and at a higher level in school as I am at MCTC even tutored me through a Chemistry assignment the other night. And when he was making pizza he shared it with me. I am thankful for good friendly conversation that I get to have with my housemates (all except Alton who doesn’t talk to me) in passing.

The day our front tree lost all it's leaves.

Though I absolutely hate my commute, especially now that I’ve had my wallet stolen off a bus I’m thankful that I have a way to get to and from work and I pray that by this time next year I’ll have a brand new car to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for the ability to be able to go to school and get a decent education. My being in school this semester has really shown me that with the right work effort and established work habits that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I’m praying that with God’s grace I’ll actually pass the Chemistry exam that is coming up in a few weeks.

Nutrition Flashcards

I’m Thankful for family, My mother has been there for me when I’ve needed her this past year. I appreciate that bonding I’ve been able to do with my brother Eric while being on the worship team. And though she’s a pest sometimes I’m grateful and Thankful for my little sister for looking up to me and missing me, it makes me feel special. I hope next year I’ll have more to write about Tiffany, Evan, Tyler and my father Ronnie.

I am thankful for being alive under the grace of God and I hope I continue to live to make a positive difference in the world.

I’m Thankful for the friends I’ve had this last year, though I’m not able to see them as much as I’d like to I’m thankful that I have people in my life who check up on me and text me wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and who tell me they care about me. Adam M, Heidi W, Alex J, Mikey B, Ian M, Byron T, James, Cori, Alisa, Julie K, Peter P, Lucy, Tymisha and Dean, and all those people who I forget to mention. I’m Thankful for the people I get to interact with on a regular basis and I wish them all a great and happy Thanksgiving.

I’m Thankful for good food and decent weather, though I get tired of the snow of Winter about one third of the way through it because I must stand outside for Minneapolis Kids recess I’m Thankful for the changes in weather and that I have eyes to see the beauty in the weather. I love that fact that I wake early and I’m able to see the sunrise and that I get to go home and see the sun setting. I’m thankful for being able to enjoy all parts of my day and that I have well working sensory organs.

I’m Thankful for my church, and the people who support and counsel me even when I don’t feel like getting counselling. I’m Thankful that God created those people and brought them together for his purposes. I’m also thankful for the world church as a body working together to being the truth to all nations.

I’m thankful for our nation’s history and the leaders that are currently trying to lead our government even through all the grief and fault that take for the nations problems.

I’m thankful for those who are brave enough to stand up and fight for what they believe in, whether it be the Occupy movement or the oppressed peoples of other countries. I appreciate and am thankful for having a voice that can be heard even if I am small and even if I think I’m insignificant.

I’m Thankful for my past relationships that are no longer for making me the way I am.

I’m thankful for the ability to laugh and smile and feel pain, and cry and live a human life with all it’s roller coaster ups and downs.

I’m thankful for where God placed me in the world and where he’s put me in life, I really have goals set and I’m thankful that I’m taking the steps to accomplish the way of life I’m striving for.

I have a lot more that I’m thankful for, but I’m going to go make some cranberry mold and baked pumpkin with my little sister Cynthia.

I wish everyone a pleasant Thanksgiving.

So I bought hosting on Go Daddy.com and now I’m hosting my own site and I own the domain name…it’s a great feeling :D

After the site being down for a little while it’s finally back up and running…I’m really happy and excited and I’ve decided I’m going to begin using her a lot more. I miss spilling my guts to the interwebs.

1. Bowling
2. Sushi Tango on a Tuesday Night after 10pm which is Karoke
3. Vali-hi Drive in Movie Theatre
4. Canoe or Paddleboat
5. Kite Flying
6. Cooking Dinner together
7. Going to the airport with a thing of ice cream and watching the planes take off
8. Going out to dinner and having Good conversation
9. Camping even during the Winter somewhere in the woods with a blanket and a lot of fire wood.
10. Walking around Uptown holding hands looking like a couple
11. Quick Road trip to some Minnesota Landmark
12. Crossing the State Boarder into Michigan or to North or South Dakota or into Wisconsin for an evening
13. Staying in and finding an excuse to cuddle.
14. Doing some sort of mini pub crawl going to as many bars along the strip as we can and having one alcoholic beverage at each, parking the car so far from where we are that we must walk off our intoxication before driving home.
15. Biking around by Minnehaha Creek on the path down to Lock and Dam #1
16. Fishing at the Lake
17. Hunting (Because I’d like to try it once)
18. Babysitting my God children

To begin I’d like to say that since breaking up with Craig I’ve gone through many stages of recovery…one of the stages I just got through was my ‘I’m going to act like a slut and get as many dates into a week as I can’ stage. This stage was not only really exhausting but it was dangerous and I often didn’t hit it off with the man I was with.

When we did hit it off as I wrote in a previous blog there was always something wrong with him that made hanging out with him again difficult…like that fact that he had kids or the fact that he asked me for money to pay for something…that’s a big no no in my book.

So in my quest to find more genuine guys I decided to make a profile on the website PlentyofFish.com…My friend Tom Orbison has been using the site for awhile now and as much as a love and respect Tom I find at times that I underestimate the fact that he hasn’t had a girlfriend is a very long time…then all of a sudden he’s telling me about all the girls he’s dating and I’m meeting some of them and they’re actually decent. So I figured…if it was good enough for him it can be good enough for me…maybe I can meet my prince charming and fall in love.

So I make the profile and upload some of my favorite pictures. But I don’t take the time to answer all the questions…instead I take time to be honest and detailed in my profile description and the section where it asks you about your more ideal/dream first date.

This is my About me Section: (I hope no one disputes what I said here.)
Relationship

Intent Pinker331 is actively seeking a relationship.

Relationship History The longest relationship Pinker331 has been in was over 4 years long.

Interests

Photography Singing Cooking
Theatre Bowling Dancing
Eating Watching Movies Hanging out with friends
Writing and Reading Listening and Playing Music Dating D
Traveling Working

About Me
When I’m not working the job that I love in an elementary school program I enjoy watching movies: I’m one of those people who spends a lot of her alone time looking at independent films on Netflix and playing the six degrees of separation in my head with actors and actresses. I really enjoy taking and editing photographs, I’m quite the shutterbug. I like listening to all types of music and my tastes in music often will change with my moods. When I can, I workout at the gym, I try to get there three times a week. I’m getting back into biking and hiking, I’m not the best swimmer but I enjoy being in the water.

I regularly attend church and can be found almost every Sunday leading the praise and worship team with my voice, so needless to say I’m not terribly bad at singing and I rather enjoy doing it in my free time and not only in the shower.

For the last three years I’ve been working on writing a novel which I feel has the potential to set me apart.

I aspire to be a nurse one day and the be able to live successfully. I wouldn’t say that I have trouble with my independence because I’ve been out of my mother’s house for a few years now and I am not totally self sufficient, I would just like to live more comfortably though in the near future.

I’m looking to find someone who can compliment me and my interests well. Everyone says I’m down to earth and I’m optimistic always seeing the glass half full.

I currently reside with a ton of male roommates which may seem unique but is an ideal living situation for me because I’m not into the drama that living with females can bring with it.

I really love kissing and I’m always down for cuddling for a movie on the couch or even at the drive in.

First Date

On my ideal first date I could see myself and A guy meeting at a local coffee shop for a cup of java and a bit of conversation. The guy would be welcome to bring me a small present or bouquet of flowers…or a single flower, because I think that’s romantic :D…candy is also welcome. Then from there he would drive me to dinner someone eccentric because I really enjoy eating out and trying new foods and as he’d impress me with his wit I’d notice his out of this world manners. He’d be a complete gentleman and I’d feel completely comfortable to share everything honestly with him and I’d trust that he’d feel the same for me.

After dinner we’d either catch a movie, go bowling after which we’d go back to his or my places to play some board games or cards and I’d show him some magic tricks that I know. Then we’d go out and look at the stars for awhile and then he’d offer to take me out for a nightcap…then after a good conversation over a beer he’d drive me home at which time he’s walk me to my doorway and kiss me…not ask he’d just do it when the time was right.

My perfect guy would have decent fashion sense and would be comfortable in his own skin enough to be spontaneous and fun, he’d have time for me and would give me his attentions. Hopefully he is willing to try new things and isn’t too pushy.

And he’d initiate conversation and be good at conversing nothing bothers me more than dead silences when there don’t have to be. And then after a few days (or hours) he’d get back to me to schedule another date.

___________________________________________________________________

So a few minutes after my profile is officially registered I get a message in my inbox from this guy and all it says is

At Which point I decided since he was online that I’d send him an instant message to chat and respond.

I said:

I’m really bored tonight after coming home from a long day od work, working out and my mom’s place…i’m exhausted but I really feel that I want to be out acting like a normal 22 year old this Friday night.

Then he said:

Lol, what is normal?

I said:

Actually socializing with people for a change…

For example my housemates 5 in all are all out at parties and I’m at home creating this Plenty of Fish profile.

he said:

Yeah, I’m just chipping away at some speadsheets :/ btw- my chat sux-text me if you would like to chat… (###.###.####) -JR

I said:

What does the JR stand for?

he said:

good question! text me…

I said:

yeah will do.

Then I text him.

______________________________________

-hey

>Hi who is this?

-Corinne

>Gotcha. Jeffrey Ryan (but only mom calls me that)

-That’s so cute! That’s a great name!

>What are you up to? Want to be social -grab a drink/chat?

-tonight?…yes! I’ve never been asked to handout at midnight before.

>lol Ok, where are you coming from?

-South Minneapolis…see I work in this school program and I usually wake early and go to bed  early also.

>The night is young :)

>I’m near Nokomis…u?

-So am I, where are you?

>Nice – we should hit a walk around the lake…didn’t make it out much today cause of the rain.

- Same yeah, do you bike? what block are you on?

>3# & #2nd

-Wow that’s super close!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Then out of the Blue he calls me…and we decide that we’re going to both bike to the chatterbox pub and get there by 12:45am.

So I ran to get into the shower….and I did so sadly with my earrings on and I knocked one off at it ran instantly down the drain…would that be a good sign?

A little flustered over the earring I managed to get all cleaned up and I even did some personal care of my facial hair which isn’t lady like.

When I got out of the shower I had 10 minutes and I ran and got on the first outfit I could find that was decent looking and I got on my old bike and I rode as fast as I could to the chatterbox getting there at 12:46.

There Jeff was sitting…he was like a demigod…I told him how i’d just had the worst 20minutes losing my earring and with the thought that I may have broken a few of my clothes trying to figure out what to wear,

“hopefully the rest of the night is better for you.” He said.

And it was, it was one of the best nights I’d ever had…we biked to Nokomis which was a few miles away…my bike was a trooper but my bike seat got progressively worse and worse as the night went on.

Jeff and I biked over to Lake Nokomis and I could tell right away that he was in his element on his bike night riding, not only was it good exercise but he was a great conversationalist….he asked me questions and we really hit it off…we stopped twice, the first time at a bench overlooking the Nokomis bridge…it was beautiful but the bugs started getting at me right away and i asked that we continue moving. Then the second time we stopped off the lake’s second beach at the drop off…I took off my shoes and started walking it but there was a drop off somewhere and I was holding my computer in my bag and didn’t want to risk getting it wet. So I walked out and over to the Bench and Jeff tried to kiss me…I told him to stop because I was ridiculously sweaty but he said he didn’t care are we kissed and then we decided to head back.

On the way back with my bike seat broken riding was difficult…

He offered to switch bikes and I accepted but his seat was too high and my weight was too much for his gears and peddles alone and I think I broke his bike…His gears weren’t the same after that :(.  So I told him that I couldn’t handle it anymore and switched back to my broken bike…he said he’d just gotten used to it.

I wanted to get a beer after having been exhausted but we realized that it was 2:15 or so in the morning and the bars had already closed…so we peddled a ways…down Longfellow until we got to 36 and he said he was going to part ways with me and head home.

He also said that he digged me and that he’d be giving me a call sometime…and I said “I hope you do because if you didn’t I’d be sad.” And he laughed and I said “when were you thinking? I don’t want to be like a love sick puppy sitting by the telephone.” And he said “Monday or Tuesdays of next week.” And I was super happy because those are both great days for me and they aren’t to far off because it was a Friday-Saturday night.

Then he came over and kissed me goodnight…which was just too perfect!

So I started writing this on Saturday Morning but now it’s Sunday Morning and I’m finishing it…I can’t wait till he calls me and I hope I’ll be able to keep up with him.

He’s a totally hot guy who could get or get with any girl he wanted to and he chose to message me and see how I was doing! He chose to spend hours and hours with me and I don’t know what I could do to keep him around but I really really really want to.

JR is super awesome and he’s the coowner of a company I think called TechdatMN….I hope to be able to go on another date with him…and I’m thinking I want to change my whole style to be more business and girly so I can stay with him.

He said he liked me when I was being my regular clumsy talkative self so there’s hope!

Recently I’ve had a lot of fun outside of work hanging out with Adam Maarschalk from church.
My time with Adam can fit into two of my social categories. The first one being number one “for me”, and the second one being “with him”. Adam and I started hanging out mainly after Heidi became a flake on me when it came to working out at the LA fitness. Adam became my new workout buddy and he committed to working out with me on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10am till 11:30ish. It’s a win win situation for both of us because his being there has made me feel more comfortable in going to the gym because he is a great person to talk to and I really enjoy his company. Adam makes going to the gym more of a social fun gathering than a chore. Since I began working out with Adam I’ve lost a quick fifteen pounds and I’ve gain a lot more confidence in myself. I’m working for the improvement of my social “me”. After we workout sometimes I go to a coffee shop and work on my novel which is coming along nicely, or Adam and I go out to eat (we’ve been trying a lot of different worldly cuisine), sometimes we just end up at Adam’s apartment which is usually calm and quiet in the afternoons and a great place for me to work on my novel or just plain and simply sleep. Adam’s apartment is closer to my work so it’s more convenient for me to go back to work from there and home after work than for me to travel all the way back home just to turn around and travel the whole distance on the bus to head back to work. Because of my feeling for Adam and the way he teaches me about God and God’s messages I feel that my social time with him also fits in the “with him” category twice. My time with Adam is “with him” and my time talking about God and meditating on what is being said and learned is also my time to be with God, so in a strange sense with my father in heaven who is also a “with him”.

—————————————–

My social life has also become my time with Heidi, even though we haven’t been working out and hangout out together as much as we were a few months ago I still am able to invite Heidi over and talk to her over the phone. A week ago we were able to get together and hangout at the Lyndale and Lake Street festival where we listened to some great bands and socialized.

Heidi is a good friend because she understand me when I’m desperate for attention from men. And she is a great inspiration for me as I write about my characters in my novel. I find inspiration from her and her friendship because she gives me confidence that I am worth something more than I value myself being alone. She also gives me a major friend high.

Through my interactions with Heidi I’ve been able to meet and reconnect with a lot of people from my past. So my interactions socially “with her” have become interactions with other and “with them.”

For example after last Sunday’s Lyn-Lake festival I joined Heidi and some old friends from the pasted that we bumped into at Heidi’s house for a bonfire. Before that we had gone shopping for ingredients to make fun over the fire pit kabobs that ended up tasting out of this world good. It was nice to be able to socialize with people my own age late into the night, drinking responsibly and laughing and making memories.

Also at the Lyn-Lake festival because I ended up staying to wait for Heidi to show up I was able to bump into some of my coworkers out of our co-working element. Because of my being sighted at such a cool and hip event now I’ve earned some street cred’ with my coworkers and they’ve been treating me as more of the team and less of the geeky outsider.

—————————————

I need someone who can accept my geek and my outsider. I’ve been on an up and down journey to not look toward the past in my personal relationships with men and to try to fly full speed ahead to the future.

I’ve gone on a couple of dates and went to see the movie Thor with a cute boy.

I’ve taken the time to make myself available to men and I’ve been hit on …I’ve been asked for my number and given the numbers of others.

I’ve given myself for time for times “with him” and I try to get Craig and my relationship with him out of my head. He’s moved on I should also.

So far my looking for other men has been good at times and bad at times…for example, my timing with some of the men in my life has been really bad. My friend Vince and my friend Jeremy both told me they had feelings for me, I didn’t act on their offers to be more than friends with them because I felt that I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken again and both men ended up finding other woman. They both still claim to love me but I’ve missed my chases with both of them.

There was a date I was supposed to be on today but I was stood up…but, I got out there and I actually showed up which I wouldn’t have had the guts to do months ago.

I’m actually acting on the crushes I have though some of them have been harder for me to act on than others. Having feelings for single men at church has been the hardest…do I act on my impulses to give a guy my number or do I only treat him as my brother and watch as a good man passes me by?

At times I need to stop focusing on my times “with him” and make them times “for me” and “with/for God”

————————————-

Speaking of “For God” a all encompassing social category. I’ve been taking on more responsibilities at my church and I’m actually feeling like I’m finally becoming an adult.

I’ve been asked to represent my congregation in a worship convention in Michigan come June 14th-16th. I will be in school at working my summer job at this time and I’m hoping that I won’t miss too much.

But it’s nice to be able to take on more responsibility and be available for my congregation to do more work “For God”.

Maybe being at the convention I’ll meet some nice Christians and create some lasting friendships.

For all I know maybe my future prince charming will be there at the convention…though that won’t be my motivation for going.

I’m really happy to be putting myself out there and taking more risks with myself socially.