Corinne's Blog

So today I was looking at my Google reader and I was looking at my different feeds. One of the things I’ve decided to subscribe to is the Urban Dictionary so I can education myself on the world’s ever changing urban banter.

I’ve gotten into the routine of regularly checking the dictionary for new words and today when I got on I read a word that pegged me to a T.

It was exactly what I was doing when I was dating Craig.

See the word is Hiberdate which is a baby of the words Hibernate and Date when they are joined together.

The Urban dictionary defines Hiberdating as a verb meaning someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.

When I was dating Craig I wasn’t a very good friend to the people with which i used to socialize. In a way my whole world revolved around Craig and how I’d be building a future with him for an extremely long time. But now since my world has come crashing to a tragic end I have found myself lost and without the social network of friends I had before I was dating Craig.

I’d like to take some time to become more of a better friend as Corinne and not just as that girl who is dating Craig.

Sadly Craig was a huge part of my circle of friends before and for now that void won’t be filled easily. Craig seems to be doing fine without me though, as he always has seemed to.

When and if I get into another emotional relationship with someone, which I don’t feel I’ll be able to handle for a long time I’d like to remind myself not to be the type of person to hibernate but rather to be the type of person who still keeps my consistent friends.

I know it won’t be easy but I’m hoping to make some connections with old friends soon and once again.

When I talked to you I was completely at home.
When I thought of my future all I thought about was you.
When I thought about my children I thought of you as their father.
When I thought of happiness I thought of our friendship.
You were the one person in my life that could make me smile when I was feeling that life was all caving in on me.
You turned my worst days into my best.
You were my best friend and the one person I could be completely myself and honest with.
You were the one person who I knew would never hurt me.
I didn’t need to be romantic with you to know that you cared for me and would take care of me and be with me in life.
You were my support and I knew you always had my back.
When you weren’t around I’d be depressed and sad and I’d long to be with you and just plain and simply hear your voice or see your face.
You were my light.
There was no way and no one on the planet who I felt could separate you from the deepest parts of my heart.
I went against my religion to be with you…I put you above my God.
You were literally the only thing I’d wake up and live for.
You were the one person who knew all my secrets…you know things even my own mother has never known.
You know me better than any other person has ever.
I put 99% of my hopes and dreams in you…the one person I trusted in life more than anything.
You were always there reading my thoughts and feelings before I even asked or wanted you to.
I truly loved you more than anything else in the world and I was willing to let it all go to be with you.
For years you were the only thing I could dream of.
I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to have another peaceful night’s sleep.
You were my definition of Perfection on Earth.
You were my Mr. Right.
No one compared to you and I never wanted anyone else but you because your name was written on my heart.
Your name is still written on my heart and it pains me that you mine isn’t on yours and that you don’t love me.
I wanted you to be the one I’d wake up next to for the rest of my life.
I saw my future children’s smiles when I saw yours.
I would cry myself to sleep wishing you were by my side.
And I longed for you in my soul because you made up and completed me as a person.
There was no Corinne without a Craig.
Everything I am and that I’ve become over the years is touched by what you have made me.
I’ve been mad and upset and jealous of you but I’ve loved you for who you were the whole time and I’ve always returned to that love when I’ve been upset with you.
I would die if you were to…though when I’m upset I may say I hate you and want you dead you already know that that isn’t the truth.
There is a piece of me that is completely missing now and without it I have a hard time functioning in life. I can’t walk, I can’t talk, I can’t eat, I can’t move, I can’t laugh, I can’t breath, I can’t think and my heart doesn’t beat.
There is nothing but pain and anxiety now.
Pain like I’m dying or the world is ending.
There is no hope for tomorrow.
There is no hope for humanity.
I have no trust in human kind and I no longer believe in true love.

True love which is the basis of what I’ve been taught to be what is the and all and be all of the soul.

I wanted to Love someone with all my heart and I chose you.

You have killed me.

I love you and you have taken my love and destroyed it.

You have rejected it and violated it and abused it and made it un-restorable.

I will never be able to love again as I love you.

I will never be able to see my future in another person’s eyes like I did in yours.

And I’m being told that it is better to have loved and lost than to have no loved at all but I wish I’d never had this experience. Because it is like dying and never living to be without you now.

There was a time when I saw only you, I was blinded by my love for you and everything in my world was rosy and bright. I had not a care in the world because I was loved by you, and I felt that even through all my hard times I’d always be able to make it through because I was loved by you.

NOW….THERE IS NOTHING BUT DARKNESS AND I HAVE NO HOPE FOR TOMORROW.

I have no motivation to live anymore.
Because you have killed me.
You have Killed me.

So I feel that because Craig broke up with me in the cowardly way he did that it sparked a wave of emotions in me that came from the peaks of how angry I have the ability to become.

For sure at first it all came to me as shock and then came a huge amount of sadness because Craig is the one person who I would have never thought would hurt me in such a way.

I was in denial and then I realized that he was serious and there would be no way for me to get him back.

The sadness came in the form of a night of me not being able to function whatsoever.

I cried and drank a whole bottle of sherry and got so drunk that while crying and begging my mother to help me buy a ticket to Scotland I finally passed out completely and was then dragged off to bed.

The anger came after the sadness and the anger came during a time of acceptance where I realized that Craig hadn’t had the guts to wait till I got a new cellphone to break up with me in a way that is decent and fitting of the two year relationship we were in. The anger resulted in me blogging about what I was feeling about how much I wanted Craig to suffer because he in sending me the email had made me suffer.

After being friends with someone for so long I feel that he became the one person in the world that I wanted to kill the most.

Not the most mature response and as much as I’d like to say that I could calmly just accept Craig’s break up and tell him that we can remain friends there is still a huge part of me that hates him and wants to see him suffer.

I do and will still love him and that’s what makes this whole thing the most difficult.

I am hating him and wishing him dead because he’s made a complete fool of me.
Some might say that I’ve made a fool of myself but, he’s made me a fool for loving someone who has the gall to tweet that he’s sending a break up email.

I am a fool for loving someone who apparently everyone knew didn’t love me back!

I gave my heart to a Rock.

My first response was that of the three year old I became when I realized that he had taken away something from me that I didn’t want him to take.

I had an all out temper tantrum and I wanted to kick and scream my way out of it…my natural coping mechanism.

But now I’ve had time to relax and though I don’t regret writing any of those words in my fury I do wish Craig the best with whoever she must be that he wants to be with instead of me.

Though I still wish that he suffers that that woman isn’t me and that he will never find a friend who is as dedicated as I was to him.

I can’t believe that he did it in the way he did and I am both hurt and insulted that he wasn’t considerate of my feelings enough to think about how I might react to an email.

I’ve decided the best way for me to get over this whole thing is to erase him from my life completely. Some might say that he was never a part of my life to begin with but, the IDEA of what we could have been has always been present with me in everything I do…and now I must teach myself not to think of that when making my decisions.

He is no longer a part of me.
He was an idea in my brain and nothing more.
And I only tricked myself into thinking that he loved me unconditionally as I did him.

I am going to be the mature one and I’m going to walk away from these 6 or so years I’ve known him with the lesson learned that I can trust my heart to no one but myself because it is only myself who can truly love me.

Only I can be my own love and savior, only I can be my own knight in shining armor and I only need myself to complete me.

If some guy comes along who wants to be a part of my world he’s going to have to work his butt off to make me fall out of love with myself.

I am a single woman now and no man will shape my future ever again.

I hate you with everything in me.
I wish you’d burn in hell slowly
I hope every time you think of me you suffer.
I hate that I ever knew you at all.
I hate that you are the way you are and that I took all that time and effort in my life to love you.
You’re the most evil person I’ve ever known and I wish you’d die.
I want to stab you with a thousand swords until you are a pile of mush.
I hate your accent and your fat face.
I hate your attitude and I hope you suffer when you realize that you will never find anyone who is anything like me.
I am the best thing that will ever happen to you and you’re lucky you found someone who was as willing to sacrifice and wait for you.
You have lost a friend in me and as of today you are dead to me.
I hate that God gave you life.
I hate the way you smell
I hate the music you introduced me to
I hate all the memories that I am now haunted with of my relationship with you
I hate that my heart has your name tattooed on it.
I hate that you are the only thing I can dream of and that I need to drug myself to get a peaceful night without thoughts of you.
I have had thoughts of jumping in front of a bus and ending my life because of the sadness you’ve brought me but I realize that you aren’t worth it.
You never put forth the effort to love me like I loved you
You never even tried to save our relationship
You were constantly a lousy boyfriend and it is only now that I am beginning to see that.
I want to send an atomic bomb to blow you up
And I want to cut off your manhood.
I want you to feel humiliation and all the pains of the world.
I wish you all the worst with every atom that makes up my body.
I hate the way you smile and the way your eyes look when you get tired.
I hate my computer and what it has become to me since I got to know you
I hate every minute I wasted on getting to know you.
I hate the plans for a future with you that I dreamed of.
I hate that you’d make a great father and I hope you are lonely for the rest of your life.
If you do find someone else I hope she’s terrible to you
I hope your children and children’s children turn out ugly
I hope you die in a terrible accident where you feel every bit of pain that you deserve.
I hate you and I wish you’d never been born.
I hope you get poisoned or shot.
I wish snakes would bite you and that the venom would kill you from the inside out.
I hope you remain lonely for the rest of your life and that everyday you are lonely you think of me and realize how you left a good thing.
You are dead to me and I never want to see your face or hear your name uttered again.

You are Dead to me
And I will try not to mourn you because you’re evil and you don’t deserve that energy.
You’re a waste of my time.

I need to say this, I’m sorry if it hurts you.
X

InboxX

Craig McCreath ✆Corinne, I write this with regards to everything we’ve been though, the hards…
Nov 23 (2 days ago)

Craig McCreathLoading…Nov 23 (2 days ago)

Reply |Craig McCreath ✆ to me
show details Nov 23 (2 days ago)

Corinne,

I write this with regards to everything we’ve been though, the hardships we’ve fought and the good times we’ve had. I do it with little satisfaction and if any other medium was better at expressing this, or if any other medium was available right now for us to communicate, I would do it that way.

Right now, as you’ve stated, we’re only friends. It’s what we’ve been for a while and it’s something that we can’t change easily. Nothing’s going to happen that would bring us together in a heartbeat, and I don’t know if I’d want it to. We are great friends, but our relationship has been failing romantically for a long time now. We’ve tried to save it, we’ve tried denying it. Truth is, distance has always been an object for us. There’s no denying that.

It’s not you, it’s us. I hate to say it, but I feel that we’re not too good for each other. We’ve both changed in two years, more apart and very different from each other… and there’s underlying issues with our lives which conflict so harshly that would come up at some point or another.

I am sorry, I truly am. You are still my good friend, and I hope you still see me that way after everything I’ve said. You may think you may be able to wait limitless months and years to be together, good on you. But I feel I need to end it. I sincerely hope you understand.

For this, and everything, I’m sorry.

Craig.

I’m sitting in my room now having just watched a movie. I’m lying all cozied up with my computer and the electronic space heater buzzing in the background is the only noise that is keeping me company. Snow is still lightly falling onto the ground outside and what isn’t already slush is beginning to look like quite the pile up. It’s been an amazing first snow and its changed Minnesota into an instant winter wonderland, somewhat strange since just yesterday I was raking leaves at what will forever be to me my friend Leo’s House.
My space heater is doing quite an amazing job in filling this little space and from what I’ve felt it has made my little room quite comfortable. (I am proud to say my room is now the warmest in the house)
Though my room is warm and cozy I feel I long for another kind of warmth and comfort from something else.

I’m not looking to get warmer from snuggling up in a blanket and getting cozy with a good book, or from a nice cup of something hot.

I’d rather have to one thing I imagined myself having this winter holiday that I know I will not get.

I want the comfort of knowing that the one person I love is here to keep me warm. I want to get cozy in the midst of laying between his two arms as they hold me in a cuddle. I want the snow outside to feel like nothing and not to worry me whatsoever because when I am with my love I don’t even care to get out of my bed or not.

I could spend the whole of tonight just trying to memorize every line of my lovers face. He is my safety blanket and he is my protection. When he is near all troubles leave me and things such as the movie I just watched become more enjoyable.

All around both within me and inside me are overwhelmed with a feeling of warmth that only comes from his presence.

I had many hopes that I would be spending Christmas with him because I wanted to see him after these long two years without him. But he has informed me that he feels that his schoolwork is more important than seeing me.

He has told me that he can’t survive my weather and that he wouldn’t be willing to fight it to come and be with me. He doesn’t want to sabotage his future for me…the one he apparently loves.

He doesn’t feel as if he needs to meet my family…
Though I am lonely and I long for him.

And now I see he’s taken his time to erase memories that we’ve created by removing tags on photos I put up for him.

Does he really care that I was willing to sacrifice it all for a better chance with him?

Is he worth all the waiting I’ve been doing?

Today I spent a lot of time thinking of how long it’d been since I’d held hands with a person of the opposite sex.
I spent time thinking of the last time I was kissed and kissed a man back. I thought of how long it’d been since I’d been held and appreciated…and I thought of my conversations with him the last few days.

And of his short temper…and I thought of how I longed to find warmth in other places and how I keep getting the cold shoulder from him.

I thought of how he turned off his phones and never answers his emails.

I’m scared that the feelings of warmth that I know my body needs will have to come from someone else…because the one I want to be here won’t be around or available until after his agenda is met…that means

After his classes, and after his coding and after his social life outside of me and after his honors program and After his master program and after he gets that job he wants in life and after he makes enough money to feel financially stable and after he decides he’s ready to face the cold and get on a plane to finally meet my family.

I remember I wanted him to meet my cat Snow because she is old and will probably not last another year with my mother.
But I doubt he’ll have the time to after he gets done with everything else he has to do.

So…I feel that even if I were cold on a snowy night like tonight that I might need to wait for him to get done with his agenda and that I might as well cozy up with my space heater…because he really doesn’t care about how I feel anyway.