I’ve been really screwing up my life recently and I know what the main reason I’ve been doing it is.

I’m crazy addicted to sex.

The whole thing has been messing with my life and the relationships I’ve been making with people. I only really have male friends because I’m always out to find this prince charming character I’m looking for.

Often I’ve considered what life would be like if I became a nun and swore to a life of abstinence but I feel that I’d be a good mother and that it would be a loss to society if I weren’t to have children…plus I want to have that experience one day.

I know having sex is a sin, and that I keep committing it it’s a struggle I’ve been having with God and I’m still trying to figure out how I’ll stop sinning. In the Christian faith it is a sin to commit the sin of fornication and adultery on the person you will eventually call your spouse. I know it’s a sin but I keep committing it and I’m too embarrassed to seek professional help to stop doing it. Many people in regular society have different opinions on sex and if you should have sex before marriage.

Many people would have thought I am still a virgin…I’m here now saying that sadly though I wish I was still one, I’m not.

I wish I’d saved myself for marriage so I couldn’t go through the pains of having given a piece of myself to so many men.

I was introduced to sex at a young age and I haven’t gotten up the courage enough to share that part of myself with many people outside of my therapist and the people at my church. After my experience losing my virginity in youth I asked God for forgiveness and I became a virgin again in spirit though not physically. I was nineteen years old with one of the men in Theta Chi when I willingly gave up that virginity and it felt like any girl’s first time, It hurt and I cried but then it became more enjoyable the more I tried it.

After that my feelings toward sex changed completely,

I developed by first sexual relationship when I was in Scotland with Craig and when I got back from Scotland. At the time I’d thought that Craig was going to be the man I was going to marry and since in my heart I was married to Craig I didn’t look at what I was doing with my body as a sin because I wasn’t committing adultery because I was with the man I wanted to be with. I found that sex was easy to come to when the mood was right and whenever i could while I was in Scotland I didn’t hesitate to indulge in it.

When I got back to the states I’d discovered that Craig had opened up some wild beast in me that I’d never known I’d had. While I was with Craig but away from him in the United States I found myself being extremely lonely and my sexual urges were never met. Many people would simply masturbate, which I find was not something I liked to enjoyed doing. There’s only so much phone sex a person can have before it’s no longer enjoyable.
Because I was so lonely and had become so desperate even for someone to hold or touch me after a year and a half of being alone physically but not in my heart I one night found solace in another, I happened to be extremely drunk that night…which is no excuse but it did add to my lapse in judgement. I felt a lot of shame after that experience especially because it didn’t solve all my problems with being lonely and it wasn’t what I was used to with Craig.
After I told Craig he was really hurt but he still loved me and he understood and he did end up forgiving me. It took a lot of time for me to regain his trust and I’m proud to say we were together for a year after that happened.
I still can’t explain to myself what happened to Craig and I in the time after I got deported, I didn’t see him breaking up with me coming and my heart will never be the same after having him turn his heart from me so quickly and not having anyway to change his mind or make him feel better. I really loved Craig and he was my first love and I felt that I’d never be able to love anyone ever again. I gave so much of myself to him and in my heart I felt a lot of shame having married him with my heart and body. Shame that everything I gave to him I’d never be able to get back.

During the year after the breakup I didn’t have sex with anyone and the ache that I had for Craig never went away because as soon as Craig broke up with me I felt totally worthless.
I began to not care much about my body because I thought I’d lost to one man I’d ever want to be with in a sexual way. When I started dating again I was in search of a man who could be there like a friend like Craig was with me but also be there because I had needs. Instead of finding love or friendship I found a never ending series of men who weren’t after a relationship and were only after sex. Since I didn’t believe in love anymore or anything having to do with happily ever after I am ashamed to say that I often let myself get used to sex and often misinterpreted that sex as a man caring and loving me. I thought that just because a man had sex with me that he actually wanted to be with me and keep me around but time and time again I found that men weren’t interested in me after we’d had sex, not because I wasn’t good but because they’d gotten what they’d wanted out of me and they didn’t need me anymore. Sometimes I’d have sex with a man because I thought we really hit it off and could go somewhere in a relationship. I much too often misinterpret a man wanting to have sex with me with love or even like. I tricked myself time and time again and I knew the signs I was having sex with someone and I would not fully be there, my mind would be lost and it was like I had an out of body experience where I’d turn myself off for the time we were in bed and I’d become a robot. Though at time it was enjoyable I often didn’t feel passion in what I was doing. Sometimes I just did it to make the man feel like he was worth something. There was a part of a man wanting me that I enjoyed and that’s what I walked away with.

After Craig broke up with my I lost all respect for myself and my body.

After a series of men I didn’t understand why I slept with I found myself looking for something else. Someone who wouldn’t only want me for my body but another relationship.

I searched and looked and a few times I thought I found that special person in someone, there was Chris and Reed…who both in the end told me that I wasn’t what they were looking for though they saw potential in me, they’ve both now moved on to healthy relationships with other women. I got used to the rejection and I got used to being used for the sex. I went on many dates where in refusing sex I was rejected by the man and I’m happy I was spared by that heartbreak.

For awhile I was doing much better and I stopped having sex.

I thought everything was going great when I was just dating men and seeing if we hit it off. I made the mistake of having a few dates with a man named Jason who I eventually ended up having sex with I was surprised to discover that Jason ended up giving me an STD. Jason and I didn’t work out because after our great dates and our night together Jason discovered he’d had the STD and he’d been too embarrassed to tell me and he instead hid from me in shame and blew me off when I tried to get ahold of him for more dates. It wasn’t until 2 months later that I finally heard back from him and he told me why he’d blown me off. “Corinne, I didn’t want to tell you that I had an STD.”

“What?! You had one and could have given it to me and you didn’t have the common decency to tell me so I could get tested?!”

“No.”

“Asshole!” *click*

Since it had been two months and I’d already come to the reality that Jason wasn’t interested in me I’d already moved on in continuing my search for a new boyfriend. Since being with Jason I’d grown close to an old crush i’d had from High school and during the two months after Jason I ended up having sex, ‘once’ with this high school crush for we’d become really close and one hot summer day the heat got the best of both of us. That friend had been the only man I’d been with since Jason had blown me off and I had to turn around and tell him that I may have passed something onto him. After he was tested he discovered that he had been given something and I was tested and I discovered that Jason had given that something to me. I was so embarrassed that I’d turned around and given to a really close friend of mine who I had finally hooked up with an STD.That was extremely embarrassing and I daily thank my loving and supportive mother for buying the two little pills it took for me to get over that.

After that I swore off sex completely. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before and I took time to focus on work and school and not on my relationship status or sexual life.

Many many months went by and the feelings of loneliness and wanting companionship came back. I decided that this time around I’d try looking for real genuine men who weren’t after me for sex.

About two months ago I met a great guy named David and for awhile I thought David was the man I was going to actually be with forever. He was supportive of me even though I have many flaws and he was not with me for sex, which I really appreciated. Everything with David was amazing except for the fact that he was too busy with Law school to be in a relationship with anyone. He had no time for me and though I cared about him and we were very good together. There were times that David’s quirkiness and mannerisms really didn’t go well with me. After being with David for a month I felt really neglected, It felt similar to the neglected way I was feeling when Craig wouldn’t try to contact me for days at a time. I always imagined that a man who actually loved and cared about me would want to talk to me and see how I was doing or would keep me updated on his life and wouldn’t be vague with me on how he was feeling or what he was thinking. And I didn’t find any of that in David.  He simply wasn’t free to be around enough to do any of that and when he was with me he was so distracted by thoughts of the work he had to get done that he didn’t really give me his all and I always felt like he was aching to go and get back to whatever he’d been doing before he’d come over to see me. When I started to complain about that all he could do was apologize and threaten to break up with me. He didn’t even try to fight or change to keep me around, he just had the attitude of a person who was saying ‘if you can’t handle it…leave’. Because I fear being alone of course I begged that he stay and I told him that I could handle not having him around all the time…at least until he graduated in May, which didn’t seem that far away. And I settled for less and less of him…I would text him in the morning “Have a great day, I hope your day is super productive and that it goes smoothly”(…things like that.) I’d hope that during the day that he’d find the time to text me back when I text him “How is your day going?’ and at night I’d cross my fingers that he’d answer a phone call from me…which he more often than not, didn’t answer. I’d leave voice mails “Hey it’s me Corinne, When you get the time give me a call!” And I’d receive nothing in return. I had told David that I could handle being alone because I was alone when I was with Craig but honestly that’s not the kind of man I feel and know I deserve and need to be with. I need a man who is there for me when I need him and doesn’t have to put me on his schedule. I started growing tired of waiting by the phone for David to respond to my texts and phone calls. I got tired of having to only have him over for an hour and have him disappear like Cinderella at midnight, getting frustrated when I was upset he couldn’t stay fifteen minutes longer (if it meant finishing a movie). I got tired of hearing David say that I was wasting his time and that he couldn’t spend the night (not even having sex) because he needed to feed his bunnies.

In order to cope with not being with David all the time I started trying to make new friends and hangout with old ones. I would focus on school and bury myself in my work. Often I found myself hanging out with that old friend from the summer who I’d given the STD to. He’d long since forgiven me and we were able to hangout and talk about our struggles with love lives with one another. That friend lets call him ‘Brian’ told me honestly that he’d never be able to love me and be my boyfriend because he wasn’t attracted to me in that way, but he wasn’t against being there for me when I needed a male body or a shoulder to cry on or a man to take me out to dinner and a movie. Brian was the perfect friend with benefits though when I’d been with him over the summer I’d wanted him to be more than that. When David told me that he was incapable of ever being in love again I had a really bad feeling in my gut and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me I deserved better. When David told me that he never gave presents and didn’t believe in God I had a bad feeling in my gut, and I told my friend Brian. Brian told me that my boyfriend was an asshole, i defended David but felt hurt in my heart that he’d presented me with tacos and had said “Merry Christmas” because he’d paid. When David wasn’t there for me when I needed company Brian was more than willing to stop everything he was doing to hangout and watch a movie with me. One of these nights in my own weakness I once again found myself attracted to Brian and Brian once again became that person in my life to offer me comfort when I was lonely. I once again found myself having sex with Brian.

After I cheated on David I felt terrible and right away. I wanted David more than ever before because I knew that even though he was an asshole he was a good guy that I’d grown to really love. I’d really screwed things up with David and as I’d done with Craig before in order to clear my conscientiousness and be honest in my relationship with David I confessed to him that I had done him wrong. I felt terrible about the whole thing even though I had cared for David and he was a great thing in my life I’d gone with what my body needed rather than what my life needed. I’d given into my ever growing addiction to sex and I’d let someone I was growing to really care about down. I’m a pretty terrible person for having done this ‘yet again to another’ boyfriend and I’m wondering what it means. Am I really in love with the men I think I am? I think if I was in love with them as I tell myself I wouldn’t need to find comfort in another.

Anyway, David had a good right to break up with me and even though I’m sad about it I feel that David and I are now both a little better off. I want a man who puts forth more effort to show me that he’s there and wants to be with me a man who puts me on his priorities list. Because I believe that even after school is gone we will all grow old and our relationships will continue after we have our jobs and our homes. The people you love should be there for you even when you are in school and you should give them time also and not make love to your work all the time.

So I’m single once again. And I’m facing a little more drama than just a break up this time.

Since “Brian” and I were so spontaneous the other night we didn’t use any kind of protection in the form of a condom, and I haven’t been on the pill because I haven’t had the money to afford to pay for my prescription. So after I had sex with him Brian asked me to take a morning after pill. I’m not sure if that is against my beliefs or not and I’ve never really considered what could happen to me if I ever were to become pregnant. He’d asked me right after we’d had sex and right away my heart had become heavy. Not only was it heavy from guilt in having just cheated but it was heavy because of how irresponsible I’d been in not considering having safe sex. Though I feel I’d make a great mother and that I should live with the mistakes I made…even if that meant becoming pregnant I realized that I should also consider the men I’m with and whether or not they’d want me to be the mother of their children. Men have a say on if they want to be forced to me fathers also. Brian told me he didn’t want to have children with me and because of that I find myself today taking pills again, This time in order to prevent an accident from happening that could change everyone’s lives forever.

I had to think about these morning after pills for a long time. If I was pregnant this could be killing an unborn child and I’d be killing something and that’s a terrible sin or I am preventing myself from becoming pregnant and making a huge mistake because a man’s sperm can live in a woman’s body up to a week after sex. A baby would be a huge mistake because it would have to survive at this point in my life with a mother who isn’t financially stable and who is still in school.

Though I’d make a great mother and I want to be a mother someday I’m going to take the pills to save my mother the heart attack and the baby from living a life where his/ or her father never loved it’s mother. And to save myself from having to live with the shame that I had a child while cheating on a great man. I want to save myself from having to be alone and pregnant looking for a future husband and I don’t think I’ll be able to establish my career if I’m pregnant.

Brian came by and delivered the pills, he said he was sorry to hear that David and I broke up but he thinks I’m better off and that I deserve someone better who will be there for me. Then he hugged me got in his car and left, we’ve agreed not to have anymore sex and thought I think he actually wanted to stand there and force feed the pills to me I’m happy he trusts me after I swore that I’d take them so I’m going to and I’m happy to be alone to think about what I’ve been doing with my life.

Here goes everything…

So I bought hosting on Go Daddy.com and now I’m hosting my own site and I own the domain name…it’s a great feeling :D

After the site being down for a little while it’s finally back up and running…I’m really happy and excited and I’ve decided I’m going to begin using her a lot more. I miss spilling my guts to the interwebs.

I feel that recently I’ve been rather selfish in not responding to the comments I’ve received from the little fans I’ve discovered that I have.

Most of the comments are from people who stumble upon my blog somehow but I appreciate their comments just as much as I appreciate those who have decided to subscribe and read about my life on a regular basis.

I want to take some time aside though to respond to a couple of comments that were left on my blog that I’ve neglected to answer in a prompt manner. (I hope the writers are still interested in reading a response from me :D)

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The first response is to Dave, Just Dave who wrote a comment on my Blog labeled: “There was a time I saw only you.”

This Blog I’d written after I’d lashed out at Craig in the initial Anger during my break up and I was finally coming to a time where I was missing and longing for everything good that Craig was to me. All the things I wrote in this blog were true which makes reading it again for me that much harder.

DAVE’S COMMENT:
Dave, just Dave says:
March 20, 2011 at 11:08 pm (Edit)
Somehow google brought me to this page, and I couldn’t help but read your entire post. Though I’m a guy, I just ended a relationship that to me felt much like what you wrote. I don’t have words for what I feel, and I know that you wrote this months ago and if what you wrote is true, have likely healed since you wrote it. I know I haven’t had the time yet to “get over it” and move on. But I have to ask, if just to see the light at the end of the tunnel… Have you moved on? Your words were quite powerful, and I know I feel much the same about my own situation. I guess what I’m asking is, is there light at the end of the tunnel? I’m hoping you don’t still feel the same way. I know everyone says “just give it a bit, it’ll be fine, you’ll be better than ever” blah, blah blah… It’s March now… Do you feel different?

MY RESPONSE TO DAVE’S COMMENT:

Dave,
I want to thank you for reading my blog and I’m sorry to hear about your recently break up.

I wrote my blog post sitting depressed and in despair and as a sad counterpoint to the rage and anger I’d let myself fall a victim to earlier in my grieving process, what I wrote was raw emotion verbalized that best way I could.

About your comment this is what I have to say:

I feel different but not fully healed.

It’s strange like there’s a really thick scab on my heart that is covering a terrible wound.

I’ve gotten to a point where I can look at Craig’s picture and not have it pain me.

He still isn’t talking to me which isn’t helping me find any closure.

I’ve started going out and dating and trying to find things in other men that are better than Craig but I still haven’t experienced any sparks yet that I recognize to be like the love I had for Craig.

I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel but I am just beginning to get slight glimpses of it.

Like, I’ve finally developed the ability to laugh again and smile naturally. That took me a long time, I can’t stop thinking about Craig though when I am on a date with someone else, and in my heart there’s a terrible part of me that wishes that we were still together.

There are part of me that still don’t believe that true love exists anymore and then there is a part of me that hopes and dreams that I am wrong.

“If there is no love in the world,” I tell myself “than how do men and woman survive fifty, sixty…seventy plus years together and claim that they are still as in love as the first day they met?”

Asking myself that and thinking of how my God loves me has helped me a little bit…but there are days when it all feel like it happened yesterday when it’s been almost a half a year already.

~Corinne~

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The next comment I’d like to give attention to is Jessica, she commented on my post label “The Pa/Maternal Clock…what is it and why?”

SHE SAID:

Jessica says:

March 8, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I’m really glad i came across this. I am also 20 years old and am going through the same exact thing. I know I don’t need a baby for a while but I just can’t get the idea out of my head! Makes me feel better to not be alone…very comforting!

My RESPONSE TO JESSICA:

Thank you SO MUCH for reading my blog and I’m happy that I’m not crazy and that I’m not alone in this feeling towards babies also at the age of 21 :D…you should see how I act maternally around my god children!

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Thirdly I’d like to respond to Jeff Noel’s comment at Jeffnoel.org:

Jeff commented on my post “As a Christian Writing about Christianity” with these encouraging words:

Corinne, found your post through Twitter. It really is a Small World After All. :)
Anyway, I write 5 daily, differently-themed blogs about Life’s Big Choices, one of which is our Spiritual Responsibility.

All posts are short and pithy, and you may find them encouraging in your quest to be more transparent on your blog.

I don’t sell anything, except hope and encouragement.

Best wishes for an awesome Spring. jeff

MY RESPONSE:

Thanks Jeff I will definitely subscribe to your blog,

thanks for stopping by mine and I appreciate the well wishes!

It’s nice to find encouraging Christian Bloggers nowadays.

~Corinne~

I hope to be able to respond to more comments more promptly in the future…

I welcome all readers to comment I LOVE GETTING FEEDBACK!

And I’m really happy to see that my blog is actually out in the world to help and influence people.

Part of Craig’s efforts to get over me was to erase me from his life completely. He cut me off and cut all ties. This was a drastic and devastating way for him to go about things and I feel that he was selfish in this act as he was all the acts of our relationship. I know personally I would have had a better time getting over the relationship if Craig had let me go slowly and had given me time for acceptance and a time to say goodbye. (But that’s a whole different can of worms)

It’s strange how a person can simply cut you out of their life like that, now I have a small feeling of how my father might have felt when his family didn’t want him around anymore as if he was cramping our style.

I’ve learned though through this experience that some things are for our own good even if we don’t want them.

My personal strategy for coping wasn’t as blunt and brutal. Personally I spent some time slowly depriving myself of the things in life that reminded me of Craig. Recently I’ve begun reintroducing those things back into my life again.

It’s amazing how much of my life I changed because I couldn’t stand the pain that came along with doing those things.

Like accents for instance, whenever I was around a person with an accent I made a point of walking away.

Some musical groups I have yet to remember that I listened to, and in hearing those groups again I am reminded of how Craig influenced my soul and infused himself into my style.

Still today I like things that I know Craig would like and I pursue things happily that I wouldn’t have had Craig not changed me. Like ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ Signs being a part of interior design and trendy…and anything having to do with making your office or living space more functional or zen…all those things I tend to associate with my life-time with Craig.

I stopped watching some of my now favorite television shows because I was introduced to them by Craig or we spent a lot of time watching the episodes together…such as Fringe, Firefly, Dr.Who and How I met your mother. I got tired of making fun references to the shows in my everyday life and not having anyone around me understand them like Craig would.

I adopted the likes and interests of many of the people who I coexist with in my everyday life, like people from my church and my house mates. I started experimenting with different kinds of music and a different way to dress in order to discover a new style that could be uniquely my own. I tried new foods and went out with a different kind of crowd entirely so I could see if I was capable of doing so. I got drunk in public and I got fun and I shared myself with people. I tried to be genuine in everything I did and I felt good knowing that I could shout from the rooftops that I am a Christian without having anyone put me down for living under a belief system like Craig did…often though I might make the excuse that it was indirect and unintentional.

It’s strange that I speak about Craig now because I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t talk about him all that much because it spawns a strange hatred for humanity in me that I don’t feel is of a Godly disposition. I’ve had a few talks now with my mother and a woman named Julie from my congregation where they told me that my being so honest and open is a bad thing for me because It shows that I have no control over my emotions and that I have a hard time showing digression. I feel that that is untrue about me…I will never tell a secret on my blog if it is told to me…most secrets I forget a matter of hours after I get them because I feel it is useless to gossip. I will never betray anyone I love and who trusts me. I will always tell the truth even if it hurts, and I will be real and open and truthful about how I am feeling even when it makes me look immature and irresponsibly. Consider me to be A star sapphire on the emotional spectrum and quick to anger. (Chris’s influence)

I think I bring Craig up now because I yesterday I was able to spend some time with the Ex boyfriend of my best friend Heidi, Nate.

It sounds a bit strange that I am now really good friends of my best friends ex boyfriend only now after they’ve broke up but certain factors have changed in both our lives that made it easier for us to relate to one another and bond on different levels…we came together to support each other because we needed each other. And the universe brings strange people into your life to be guardians and comforters(Like Jake Babcock, Ian Morris and Vincent Rumfelt.)

Nate and I were both in interestingly dysfunctional long term relationships where the warning signs were everywhere. Nate and I both decided to work through our problems in our relationships because we both felt that in our relationships the bad could be worked through to get to the good. My philosophy was that relationships were hard work and people don’t have to like each other all the time but they could still love each other. In Nate and Heidi’s relationship things were ended mutually after four years and Nate claims that he could see the warning signs coming from a mile away and that he allowed his breakup to happen because he was ready for it to end when my personal relationship was only half that time and I had no clue the end was coming and I wasn’t prepared for it whatever…but the tall tale signs were there and now that I think about it I should have seen them.

The thing that both Nate and I struggle with is that when we were in our relationships we were both blinded by the love we had for our former significant others and because of that we put up with a lot of (forgive my french) Crap that we didn’t deserve.

Nate and I hung out and we talked about relationships and why and how people have the ability to grow stronger from them. We talked about finding our 2nd true loves in life and we pondered if life was actually cruel enough to leave us old and alone.

Both Nate and I have pretty much the same goals and aspirations about what we’d like to find in the next person we decide to commit our time and ourselves to. We talked about what we personally needed to work on when we were in our relationships…our problems that contributed to the dysfunction.

Nate told me that Heidi had shaped him into a certain kind of person yet that he’d learned that he was the person before she was around and that he became a better person because he was able to share that part of himself with her.

So I thought about my Deprivation and about myself at fourteen when I first started chatting with Craig. I thought about the person I may have become had he not been there to help, guide and make me want to be a better person.

And I stopped depriving myself from the things in life that made me happy…and surprisingly they didn’t hurt.

Catching up on my Fringe Season 3 today was a blast and it didn’t hurt me. I wondered to myself why I’d missed such a great show over something so small as to the fact that Craig and I used to watch and talk about the show all the time.

And I listened to The Bird and the Bee again and OKGo…staples of my Scotland soundtrack.

And I’m working on my killing my clingyness so I can have a productive relationship without smothering Whoever I end up with.

I am ending my ex boyfriend deprivation and I’m finding more of myself in the new blend of my old likes and new likes.

Gosh Corinne! Get a grip and don’t be clingy with this one…guys don’t like that kind of stuff.

Don’t scare him away by texting and calling him all the time…Don’t say you’d like to know everything about him then not have anything new to ask him about himself and his plans for the future.

Gosh Corinne! Don’t be so aggressive and learn how to like and coexist with people again…try new things.

You really like this guy so show him how you really are because he’s a total catch a completely out of you league.

look at him, he has a social life and hobbies…where’s your social life and hobbies? What do you have to offer him?

Gosh Corinne pay attention and remember what he told you about things. Gosh Corinne don’t be pushy when he says he wants to see where things are going…when he says he’s an observant person.

Be the best you that you can be and show him that YOU ARE WORTH STAYING WITH…though Craig made you feel like you could never be ‘the one’.

If it doesn’t work out don’t be devastated like you were with Craig…there are other fish in the sea and you deserve the best because you’re a good person and you haven’t done anything wrong to anyone else.

Till he asks you out or tells you that it’s just not working out….try to do everything you can to show him your real genuine side because that’s the side he’s going to end up with when you get passed all your nervousness while you’re around him.

He’s going to see you being a good leader and outgoing sometimes too though right now you are becoming clingy and appreciating the attention that you are finally getting again after getting dumped.

You deserve a great guy like him…He’s most of what you are looking for.
-Christian
-Great with Children
-Handsome
-Polite
-Responsible with his own adgenda
-A complete person that doesn’t need you to be happy.

Corinne…you are an incomplete person that should become a complete person yourself before you start depending on another man.

Till then love as if you’ve never loved before and give it all the heart you can.

Because when you find that right someone…that Prince Charming who will finally have the balls to sweep you off your feet and pop the question and take care of you till you’re old black and blue…make yourself a complete person till you go looking.

Till then…keep Chris around, he seems like a good steady level headed match for you and you deserve a good guy like him.

Now I’ve gone through a terrible break up with Craig and for one of the first times I’m actually looking for a new guy to be in my life again.

Strange as this sounds because I felt that I wouldn’t really be able to ever move on from Craig and that I would be an old maid old and alone forever.

Right at this moment I’m not looking to get into any serious relationships for a little while but I am meeting men and good guys who could potentially be my partner in the next stages of my life.

The things I’m focusing on have changed in that my life consists of Working, Going to church, Saving money to get back to school this summer, Looking for a summer job, and working out with Heidi. I have stopped being as future oriented as I used to be because Craig is no longer a part of my life and I’m unsure what the future will hold. Lord willing I will be successful in what or who I decide to pursue.

Recently I’ve had four interactions with different men who have shaped the way I am approaching getting out in the field of dating again.

The first experience was in the car with Heidi. We were driving down the road when a car of really hot guys rolled up beside us and spotting us wanted to talk us up and get our numbers. The whole situation seemed like a scene out of some crazy movie about loose girls..Heidi and I wanted to try something new and fun so we both decided to give the guys my number. Heidi has a boyfriend so she didn’t give hers out. So I frantically write down my number and While we’re still driving I pass off the number from the passenger seat to the car on our right’s handsome driver.

The transaction of the number goes smoothly and it isn’t 15 minutes later that I get a call from someone in car.

“What are you up to?” The man asks
“Oh, we’re just going together to go workout at LA fitness, then we’re going back to my friend’s house.”
“Can we join you at your friends house?” The guy asked
“Not unless you want to join me, my friend and my friend’s boyfriend.” I say
“Are you the driver or the passenger?” The man asks
“I’m the passenger.” I answer
“Oh, we want to speak to the driver.” The voice says
and I got so embarrassed at that point.
“You can speak to the driver,” I said “as long as you know that she has a boyfriend.”
I handed the phone off to Heidi and she talked to the men for about a minute until she declined their propositions and they hung up.

So this was the first lesson I learned, I’m not that attractive so I shouldn’t expect guys to just come falling for me.

So I tried a dating website and I had my second encounter with a male. CODY.
Now Cody was a really nice guy at first but I realized after hanging out with him that even though he gave me a chance he really had very little respect for me as a person because he treated me as if I was a major booty call.
I hung out with Cody three times and every time he seemed to instead of getting closer to me get further and further away. On top of that apparently Cody’s parents were extremely racist and I was going to a situation where I’d be what my friend Peter calls ‘missionary dating’ in that I’d be going into the relationship trying to change something. I eventually got tired of sneaking around with Cody and since I told him that I was tired of sneaking around with him we haven’t talked at all…he hasn’t tried to communicate with me and neither have I him…so I’m assume that all connections we have together are now over.

So I learned, that some guys I think have the potential to be nice really can turn out to be like dogs, and that I am worth more than that.

The third interaction I had was with Heidi again. Her tire went flat when she was coming to pick me up from work so we could go workout at LA fitness in Edina. I asked a custodian Mike that I’ve had a crush on to help us fix the tire, we were unsuccessful and while we were waiting for my friend Jimmy to show up Mike and Heidi and I had a very good conversation together. I learned a lot about Mike that made me want to become his friend we exchanged numbers in hopes of hanging out down the road. Later I shared with Heidi that I liked Mike and had liked Mike for a little while in that I had a girlish crush on him. She in turn stole my phone and sent Mike a text making it obvious that I found Mike attractive.

Mike in turn sent me a positive text back but showed little interest in hanging out with just me but rather made a point to say that it would be nice to see both me and Heidi again.

So this interaction taught me that guys enjoy hearing right away if a girl is interested in them, but in this particular case I should be 100% about how I really feel about a guy and our intention in our interactions before I tell him that I’m interested in him, personally I feel bad that Heidi told Mike that I found his being single a good thing. I wanted to get to know Mike on my own as a friend and get to know him intellectually and then eventually tell him that I was interested in him and had a slight crush on him. Now I think my friendship with Mike is jaded.

So taking all of this into mind I get to my final and most productive interaction with a man recently. While looking at the same dating website that I met Cody I ended up stumbling across a guy who seemed to have a profile more real than any I’d seen before, right away I was drawn to this guy and I ended up sending him a message saying HEY we should talk.

And he sent me a message back and we messaged and then exchanged numbers. And we texted and I learned that he and I had a freakish amount of things in common. Including our jobs with the school district. We talked about our past relationships and about God, which was something I was never able to do with Craig. We talked about our passions and in the end we found ourselves talking till 3 and 4 in the morning. We decided to set up a formal date sometime soon…and surprisingly after looking at our mutual busy work schedules we determined that Monday night would be the best time. So Monday came around and the whole day I’d been bouncing off the walls in anticipation. I hadn’t had a chance to get home after work to change but he made me feel like I was the most well dressed and beautiful girl in the world at that moment. Our conversation never ceased to stop and I was so nervous and interested in everything that we talked about that I completely lost my appetite…which was rare in a fancy restaurant. We then walked into Southeast Minneapolis having a wonderful conversation and her told me about his past and his friendships…he shared a lot of himself with me. Then we ended up talking again to each other till almost 5am again and eventually we separated and went on our separate ways to work. I’d already told him that I liked him and together we determined that we’d see where things went from here. We already know that intellectually we hit it off and we both find each other attractive, but he’s conscious of the fact that he’s had some interesting relationships when he’s jumped into things too fast and I’d have to say that I’m not ready for a relationship seriously yet. But he’s made me reconsider what I am looking for in a man.

Yes, my former boyfriend tests still stand but my interactions with him and our conversations have already covered many of the bases that were missed by Craig and I and created many problems between us. Such as religion and how it is involved in my life, I was never able to share that with Craig and have conversations about God with him. And how we are jaded and react in arguments and how we approach people and what turns us off about people’s personalities.

Chris and I hit it off on every level and I feel that he is like a male version of myself. In the most genuine sense.

What took me five years with Craig in friendship took me two nights with Chris. From my interactions with Chris I’ve learned that there are more good guys out there in the world who are worth giving my attentions to than just Craig who it thought was the beginning and the end of all my true loves.

With him I disguised my old boyfriend tests and around him i recognized and created some new ones.

If you’d like to take a look at the old boyfriend tests you can find them here: http://www.pinker33.com/2009/11/21/the-boyfriend-tests/

And now I will introduce the new boyfriend tests:

The Menu Test:

This test is so see how a man reacts when he is put on the spot to make quick decisions and wise decisions on my behalf. Instead of just saying ‘it’s your decision or it’s up to you.’ and Leaving me hanging I want to find someone who is willing to make a decision for me. This test is easy simply ask a guy to order something for you off a menu at whatever place you are eating because you can’t make up your mind….and see if what he’s ordered for you is consistent with what you would order for yourself and see if he can read you well.

The Mannerism test:

This is the way the guy acts when you’re around him, is he cuddly and touchy or is he stiff and likes to keep you at a distance. Is he aggressive with his actions or soft and comforting.

The Vagueness test:

Is he vague in how he talks to you or does he go into a lot of detail when you don’t understand something and you want him to explain it another way. Does he initiate the conversation or is it necessary for you to prompt him in order to keep the conversation going.

The Gift Test:

When or If he ever gets you a gift, does it reflect his style or your style? Because he might be trying to push his style onto you or he might just be buying a gift that he himself would like on you but you might have to get used to liking yourself. The man has taken the time to think about me, is the gift practical, does it affect you emotionally, Is the gift appropriate or long lasting etc. Not just something that will help him change you.

The Substance test:

What is his drug of choice e.g. Alcohol, Illegal Drugs, Music,Dancing, God and what is his antidrug? Do you have to change yourself in order to tolerate this drug and is it part of the problems in your relationships? Is he an alcoholic or can you not stand his smoking habits? What rules in his life?

The Independence Test:

Does the person you are trying to form a relationship with have a sustainable job, can they take care of themselves or do they depend on the financial support of others, do they live on their own or aspire to one day? Can they survive on their own without the assistance of their parents? Does the person have life goals that are consistent to your own and can you see them making time for you in those goals?

The Inner Child Test:

Can I have fun with this person so that I can open up to them and truly laugh with them, is our relationship like two children at play or all business? I should be comfortable to be completely myself regardless of where I am and who I am with when I am around him.

The Nature to Nurture Test:

Does he have a good sense to be paternal. I know that this is a lot like my Baby test but the ability to tolerate children and the ability to know how to work and care for them are completely different in my eyes.

The NO test:

I need a guy who is able to tell me no sometimes when it is the best for me.

The Shaken Bottle test:

I need someone who is willing to share with me when they think someone is off from the get go instead of bottling up their emotions in a journal or internally to release on me all at once later. I need the man I am with to be able to share his emotions with me in a way that is direct, to the point and tactful.

And here a list of all my ex’s

-Jason Caucasian Age 22 January 17, 1989 (1 year)
-Scott Age 23? (6 months)
and now
-Craig Age 21 July 22nd 1989 (2 Years)

Thinking back on my relationships with all these men has made me realize one thing.

I have a major daddy complex otherwise defined as an Electra complex.

All the men I’ve ever dated or wanted I’ve liked because they’ve been able to better me and make me into a different stronger person. They were able to take me to try new things that my father and brothers were never able to.

Since I was a young girl I’ve never had a man in my life who has been there for me when I needed him.

My older brother doesn’t like me because of some drama that happened between us as children.

I do not want to establish a relationship with my father because I do not want to stand back and watch and support him even though he is being a deadbeat dad.

I’ve been told that as a person in a relationship I am needy and extremely intense.

I’m honest and down to earth but I love the attention and affection.

This is often too much for men to handle.

I can’t think of my life without being dependent on someone or something. As a singular person I lack in personality and personal drive.

A daddy complex is what happens to a young girl when her father is absent and has left a void in the girl life.

I found myself befriending every bus driver I’ve ever had as long as he was male…And I’m even still friends with my High school bus driver Jimmy…I’m planning his wedding! I remember at first I liked that he talked to me because no other kids on the bus really did…then we talked all the time and I started being kidnapped by him as dropped off last because he liked the company and so did I. Then we started hanging out outside of the bus and he would give me rides on his motorcycle and I remember holding onto his waist and wishing I was a few years older and more attractive. Then as I grew up Jimmy and I established a very playful professional relationship as I fell deeply in love with his children. And now I feel like a mother to them. It’s strange though that at the same time I was creating a crazy fun relationship with a bus driver from his same company…who would also kidnap me because he liked my company.

I always make an effort to talk to men who are my bus drivers but I never do have good conversations with women. Women drive me insane.

I filled the void in my life with men and sex and a need to be wanted and needed from people of the opposite sex. I spent time as a teenage girl reading every romance novel I could get my hands on to study to try to understand how men of the opposite sex thought so I could get them to like me easier.

I feel more comfortable around men now because I like feeling protected with them around.

I am not a typical daddy complex case because i seem to be liking men younger and younger now.

At first i was only attracted to older men…i had a huge thing for a guy named Dan who used to be an americorp fellow at my school around the same time my parents got a divorce.

That was the first time i found out what it was like to be attracted to an older man. Outside of the crush I had on my student teacher Mr. R in fifth grade.

My obsession with older men made it so that I acted older than my own age and I became a very ‘old soul’ before my time. Part of my becoming an old soul was my exploring the internet to find out what men truly liked.

I explored horny chat rooms and crazy singles websites to find men who wanted me and would be able to do anything for me so they could get sex. I became online a major tease when personally I wasn’t even old enough to approach a man.

As I grew older and began to express myself I found that I always had a man that I would attach myself to as a mentor or as a father figure whether it was my play uncles or my male family therapist. I remember that right after my parents got divorced in church that man I looked up to was a family friend who went by brother Bobby. Brother Bobby never did anything to me but I remember thinking that I wanted him to take me home so i could be his daughter instead of my father’s.

As I grew older I no longer wanted to be the daughter but instead would look at a guy and instantly want to be his daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, or mistress anything to get my foot in the door.

I looked at God as the father who I needed to become better acquainted with and in a way I learned that what I had with the men in the world and the way I idolized them and got hurt by them was an illness.

I have a hard time being with myself and only with myself because I want someone to tell me that the path I’m taking is the right one. I see good fathers who have advice for their children and I get jealous and I look for men who will be good fathers for my children. But when I search for men I search for husbands and lovers and not boyfriends and friends. I search for a long term commitment which I realize most men are incapable to creating easily without a physical attraction…so I give them what they want physically too soon and I end up getting hurt.

For about 3 years I’ve established a texting relationship with a guy named Jeremy and I would consider him my friend though we’ve never met.

In my dream I’d already been broken up with Craig as I am now and I had an abundance of money and an abundance of time on my hands. I decided to take a flight I remember it being ‘the next flight’ to Scotland. In the dream I knew that I wanted to get a hold of Craig somehow but I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to hunt him down because I know and can’t forget where he lives or if I wanted to hangout in the places that I knew he often frequented over the summer. This was apparently the Summer because in the dream I wore a beautiful pink and white striped sleeveless sun dress and I remember watching myself soaking up the summer sun as I walked from the Edinburgh City center to The Orchard a local pub a few blocks from Craig’s house.

I remember sitting in a booth at the orchard reading a local newspaper hoping that Craig would casually walk in and when he did and he recognized me he didn’t do anything to approach me so I just sat and tried to pretend like I didn’t notice him noticing me until he finally decided to leave and I felt a pain in my stomach for not having ‘done anything’.

Then I cut to a scene of me going to Craig’s neighbor’s house and asking them to do me a favor because I personally can’t feign a Scottish accent to save my life. The neighbor agrees to ring the McCreath bell and say over the intercom that there is a package that must be signed for by a Mr. Craig McCreath waiting downstairs. Of course then Craig would come down only to see me thanking the neighbor for their help in my little lie and after an awkward hello I’d ask Craig to give me a chance and not run away but rather to take a walk with me.

He surprisingly agrees and we take a walk and talk about our relationship and where it went wrong…and he tells me why he broke up with me and he tells me that he’s sorry and I apologize for all the wrongs I did him and eventually he’d invite me out for a bite. I’d share with him that I only planned to stay for a day or two and that I was staying in Edinburgh in a local hostel or hotel.

For the next few days we’d rekindle our love for each other and before I was right about to leave he’d tell me that he wanted me back and that he didn’t want to lose me again. And we’d kiss and make up completely…of course all my family and friends back home would be disappointed that I went back to that guy who’d broken my heart but I’d tell all those people back home that they should be happy for me because I was happily in love.

That would be the perfect and ideal way for me to spend my weekend actually and I remember waking from my dream wishing I had that sundress and that it was summer and that I had an abundance of time and an abundance of money to do just that. And I tried not to get upset with Craig for not telling me why he broke up with me outside of that we were growing apart and I tried not to get upset with Craig because he didn’t attempt to come see me ever. And I am trying to not pain over Craig because I am still hurt because he isn’t speaking to me or acknowledging that I exist or that I meant anything to him while we were together. And I’m trying not to pain myself and obsess over him right now while I wonder how and what he is doing because I know he doesn’t love me and that it’s over and that I should be MOVING ON like everyone keeps telling me to.

But it’s hard and everything about Craig that I felt when I loved him isn’t going away and I hate myself for still loving him though he’s hurt me and I’m ready to move on.

I want to move on because I think he has.

I was reading a romance novel that is a culmination of many short romantic stories because I’ve started reading romance again so I can give new life to my dead idea that REAL TRUE LOVE IS DEAD. So I was reading the third short story in the book just a little bit ago and one of the characters gives up her virginity after twenty four years to the male character and he keeps asking her ‘why him?’ and how did he deserve such a precious gift. And I thought…if Craig really doesn’t love me as he does now then why did he give me his virginity.

Most of you who have asked me would know or could have guessed that Craig and I were sexually involved and that I was Craig’s first girlfriend. Most of you if you cared would have realized that I gave myself to Craig going completely against my religious beliefs because I felt that if you love someone as much as I loved Craig that marriage happens in the act of love making as we experience. I married Craig when I agreed to have sex with him and i committed and gave myself to him.

If he didn’t love me than Why did he pick me? And how can he not love the person he gave that gift to? How can he not love me after creating that bond between us? He was the first virginity I’ve ever taken and he’s probably going to be my last….My first reason being because I can’t see myself committing to a person in that kind of way for a long time and the second reason being because like in my dream I still want Craig back.

I don’t understand and I’m confused and my heart is beginning to hurt and long for him again.
He truly killed me with all the pain he put me through and he continues to kill me as he ignores that an us ever happened…did he ever pain from losing me?! Did he cry and kill himself over making that decision….How bad did it hurt him? I want to know because I need closure before I can begin to heal…I need to know that I meant something to him. Will I ever be able to get anywhere in my life without this feeling or regret that I didn’t fight harder to keep him?

I couldn’t get on that plane but what is stopping me now that I have the money? Will it make any difference? Can I change his mind? Will I ever be able to love another man if Craig is completely lost to me? Yes I recognize that there are handsome men in the world but I don’t want any of them. Am I broken and tainted now…and I fated to become a nun?

All I can think of is a sick mantra the dream me used when he was getting on the plane to strengthen herself…I remembered it when I woke and even said it out loud to assure to myself that my dream had actually happened.

God mend this broken heart.

It seems to be the only thing I can say that can make my pains ease for a bit…when I feel this pain my whole body suffers and as I write this post I can even feel my back tensing up.

This is like a little prayer and by saying it over and over again it is helping me focus myself and my body, my mind and spirit back on my God who should be the number one focus in my life and not my pains for Craig.

God mend this broken heart…..God mend this broken heart…..God mend my broken heart…..God mend this broken heart…..God mend my broken heart…..God mend my broken heart…..God mend this broken heart…..God mend this broken heart….God mend my broken heart.

want to play a quick game?
it is really easy
all you have to day is answer some questions

sure

ok. question one:
what is your favorite color?

Pink

could you tell me three adjectives about that color/how it makes you feel/etc.
for example, mine is green
and i would say, lively, cool, and harmonious

Warm, Energized, Special

ok
next: what is your favorite animal?

not sure

well, even just at the moment- an animal you are fond of or feel a connection to
it can be a mythical one even if you like

maybe the kinkajou I’ve had cats my whole life so probably a Dog

ok
now same thing- three adjectives

a kinkajou or dog

ok

um…appreciated, loving, companionship
friendly

ok
we’ll go with those
next one
this will sound similar, but it is different. . .

k

let’s pretend you could have a dream pet- something that fulfills every thing you’d ever want in a pet
what would this pet be like?

…can I say a man?

three things
LOL
it is just a description

um..
reliable, cuddly, constant

ok
last but not least

k

what is your favorite body of water?

Aegean Sea

one last time

what?

three adjectives for it

k
um Blue, Calm, Romantic

interesting
all done
want to know what it all means now?

sure

the color adjectives are supposed to indicate how you view yourself
so you see yourself as a warn, energetic, and special person
*warm

lol
k

the animal adjectives are supposed to be how others view you
so appreciated, loving and friendly- that is how friends think of you
i could buy that
guess what your dream pet adjectives indicate?

um…your perfect mate?

not so much that as qualities you appreciate in a significant other
which is why you were quite amusing when you said a man
you like reliable, cuddly, men, who won’t leave your side especially in a crisis

yeah
that’s so funny!
crazy coincidence

the funniest part is next

k

the body of water?

yeah

sex

lol
okay…this is like a crazy madlib

calm and romantic, eh?

lol

LOL

wow…

but it really fits, i am guessing

2:25pm
yeah
it fits me pretty well

that was a date doctor game