aka, a job and a steady place to live and an income, a time to actually take out to be with Craig to get to know him on a personal level and a time to discover who I really am as a person.

Before I left for my attempt to Scotland I moved out of my room in Brooklyn Park and I’d packed up all my belongings. I’d left my job in the previous month with little opportunity to return to it.

When I got back this was my situation, I had the money I’d been saving for my trip to Scotland, No job (again) and no place to stay (again).

These last couple of months I haven’t been understanding the cards that God has been dealing me.

First ( 0r Ace), my financial problems and problems with establishing healthy relationships in School.

second, my bad luck in being able to not move back home after having left college so my having to find refuge in a residence in a Fraternity house in St. Paul.

Third, an unsuccessful Summer job search which led me to be in debt at the beginning of the Fall of 2009.

Fourth, After having found a job that I felt might be the perfect solution to my problems. Having been disappointed when my employers turned out to having overworked me and underpaid me.

Fifth, Having to move out of the house that I owned with the previous House Manager job and having to move in with my mother and family again only to discover that my mother’s land lady wouldn’t permit me to live with my own mother based on the fact that I am over 18 and therefore a legal adult.

Sixth, Having to move to Brooklyn Park to a small room with people I’d only just met, an hour away from everything and everyone I’d loved and wanted to become closer to.

Seventh, My job search continuing badly until I find a job but must then pay back the debts I owe.

Eighth, Having to work the overnight shift at Target Greatland while trying to figure out what my goals would be in life and where I would be going. Having a completely screwed up sleep schedule and becoming like an anti social bat who only came out to play and communicate with people on Sundays.

Nine, After having figured out what I where I wanted to go in life realizing that the one I’d be doing it with wouldn’t be supporting me 100% and becoming upset and fighting with him a lot.

Tenth, The time coming and after my having planned to find a place to live and setting up job interviews only to be turned away by customs and immigrations after having just spent nearly nine hours of my life traveling.

Eleventh (or Jack), Not being able to see the one I love after almost a year and a half and losing my opportunity to see him for another few months, and not having anyone understand that pain of complete failure and loss in everything…but me.

For now though these cards have been dealt into my hand I have had God by my side and he has helped me out of all of them.

These changes in my life have made me a much stronger person and even though I feel weak from them after the fact and even though I’ve cried many tears because I was in such situations. I don’t see anyway at this moment that things could get that much worse for me.

And I know now after today, that I was right about the good things being just around the corner.

For the last few days after my deportation I’ve been mourning. I didn’t want to talk about it, or think about it or discuss it with anyone because the thought of it only made me think of my failure to make a plan B just in case all of it fell through…as it has.

I was more than happy just laying up in Cynthia’s bed at my mom’s house becoming more of a computer potato than I already am while watching any movie I wanted from my mom’s Netflix account.

But God didn’t want that for me and he sent me constant signs that I should end my mourning  period and get off my butt. All those people around me who showed me their support and their kindness and who told me that they had my back if I needed someone were constant reminders to me that the world hadn’t fallen to pieces completely.

Just this morning I was laying in bed happy that my mother hadn’t woken me up for church, I haven’t been sleeping very well and Church seemed like the last place that I’d want to be because I’d have to explain what happened to everyone there over and over again. I was embarrassed because just last Sunday Gail Haugen had taken extra time out of the prayer to pray for my safe journey away.

As I lay in bed the doorbell rang and a familiar voice asked for me when my brother answered the door.

It was my mother’s upstairs neighbor John one of my mother’s good friends who I knew wouldn’t ask me too many questions about what happened to me while I was in London. John being an intelligent man spoke only after thinking of what he’d wanted to say first. Why he’d been asking for me wasn’t a complete mystery my mother had hinted and talked to me a little that John might need me to do a little work for him. but I trusted that what he had to discuss with me about what that work was would be better said by him than coming from my mother.

I looked half a mess and I was a bit embarrassed to still be in my baggy “Polar Bears for Global Cooling” top and tight fitting blue jean Capri pants. Myhair was as if I’d just gotten out of bed (which I had) and I hadn’t yet put on my socks or bathed.

Yet I went with John to his place anyway.

When I got there he explained to me that his young son John junior who I call ‘Little John’ would be getting out of school for the summer soon. He was currently in a situation where he didn’t much like his working PCA worker and he was thinking of replacing her. After asking my mother if she could do it and having heard from her that I had been deported and was in need of a job and a place to stay he felt that it would be a good set up if I was to move in with him and John to be little John’s PCA worker for some time beginning as soon as the paperwork went through.

He said he already had a personal Personal Care attendant for himself and to do the cleaning around the house. He needed someone who would keep  up with his son that he knew he could trust and that Little John would actually get along with. He explained that I wouldn’t have to pay any rent and that as a woman I’d have to get used to living around two men (funny as I’d already lived in a Fraternity house completely surrounded by men.) He told me that it wouldn’t be like working as much as it would be like having little John over and watching him as I would naturally do as a big sister to Cynthia. The only difference was that John being as seven year old Boy would need me to be there over the summer to go to the park and play with and to help learn new things and explore.

I absolutely adore Little John as I adore most intelligent young children. John has a bubbly personality that is unmatched by any young black male child I’ve had to watch in my life.

He reminds me a bit of my little brothers Tyler and Eric as they were growing up in that he is discovering a world where he can be intelligent and well behaved as a black male and not live according to the stereotypes of our age.

When I’ve attempted to watch John before we’d always had fun, except that Cynthia has often become jealous and wanted to become the center of my attention while he was around. They have similar personalities and they fight a lot while they are together. Even though Cynthia is nearly five years older than John is.

John and I have had our hard time in the past  but I’ve grown to understand his relationships with adults and how he has been taught to treat them.

He is used to having Personal care attendants take care of him when his father has been busy and he is more than willing to try to wear you out if he feels that you’re not up to par when it comes to his need for an energetic enthusiastic playtime buddy.

The pay to do such work would be ten dollars an hour beginning from the time that I was left alone with John to the time that his father would return from his work, and daily errands.

The only stipulation would be that my family would not invade or having anything to do with my work even though in proximity they would be next door.

That was something I was more than willing to agree to because I myself was already getting tired of my family in my personal space when I had been so used to being independent and living on my own for nearly three years now (only seeing my family on weekends for church and church events.)

Also Big John asked me that I not bring as much stuff as I’d brought to my mothers house, he said he would arrange a mailbox and a storage place for me to put my belongings and that I’d be able to bring two totes of essential goods to his house only because he liked to live a minimalistic life (as my own Craig also does).

I felt that the lack of belongings would give me good practice for when I’d eventually have to be with Craig.

Big John promised that under his employment that he’d do everything in his power to help me accomplish my goals. Which I have established to be:

-Paying back my debts (Theta Chi, Hamline and Mrs. Rhonda)

-Saving for a future education (putting money away for a return to University)

-Losing weight (because I’ve become an unhealthy computer potato)

and

-Saving for another attempt to transition out of the United States and to Scotland. (Housing and living expenses)

We figured that my agreeing to live and work with John with rent being nothing and food being provided would give me the perfect opportunity to accomplish my goals in a decent amount of time.

So, this is my new plan.

I will move in with Big John and Little John for a few months until I feel that my goals have been accomplished.

After accomplishing my goals I will return to university and to Scotland to be with Craig.

It sounds simple now…but after playing with Little John for an hour just earlier today I’ve realized that he being so young and me not being as young as I used to be…might be a problem.

It’s good because he will force me to lose weight while I play with him but I’ll have to establish a schedule that will determine that Little John gets completely worn out nearly everyday this Summer to save myself the heartache of having to run after him all the time.

So I’m going to start a list and a schedule of money and summertime events that I can do with the 7 year old…including in my budget travel and food expenses.

As you can tell…I’ve already decided to accept Big John’s offer to me it’s the best card God could be dealing me right now outside of giving me a transportation system and a money tree. When it comes to Craig I hear he’s planning on visiting me in 6 to 8 weeks and I think with keeping myself busy that time will surely fly by.

As a reader of this Blog…what do you think of this new plan?

Little John and I

∞ 18 Jan
A tale of diy surgical adventure

Me:Where is it?

Corinne:I think it fell on the floor.

Me:What the hell? You dropped my precious mole ON THE FLOOR!?!?

Corinne:It just came off so fast I couldn’t control it!

Chat

∞ 25 Jan
a night of quotes

Corinne:What’s behind those lights? The city across the water? Do you know?

Me:Nothing.

Corinne:Really?

Me:Really. See those lights out there? Beyond that is the edge of the world.

Later on…

Corinne:Wow, these mangoes are like an orgasm in my mouth.

Me:Yeah, fruit is a lot better here. You haven’t tasted a strawberry until you’ve tasted a Scottish one!

Corinne:Repeat after me. Scotland is NOT better.

Me:Scotland is better.

Corinne; Repeat after me.

Me:Scotland is better.

Corinne:That’s not fair, I don’t go around saying that America isn’t better.

Me:Well, it’s not.

The India Arie songs that she identified as being for me and for my relationships were really accurate this time and I was surprised…I listed to one of the songs that she said was me and Craig and it brought me to tears.

So here I share “He Heals Me” By India Arie and dedicate it to Craig McCreath: My Love and Best Friend Forever.

He heals me
Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I’m wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I’m not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he’ll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together
However things turn out, it’s all right
Cause he’s already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

I want to be in a place back in the city, I inquired about moving into a place with an old classmate of mine and a new friend who I feel I will be keeping for a long time. I’d like to find something in my life that is permanent and long term that also makes me happy.

I believe a transition to 3013 18th Ave may be a good step for me to take. I want to move to 3013 18th Avenue into a house bought by a handsome young man named Leo Kohorst. Leo is a friend of Tom Orbison a former high school classmate of mine and I had the opportunity to meet him when I was invited to Leo and Tom’s third housewarming party {funny and ironic because at the time the heat hadn’t been turned on yet.} Since that party I’ve seemed to have made really good friends in Leo and Tom. They have welcomed me into their home on many occasions these last few weeks since i’ve moved to Brooklyn Park and don’t like to commute.

While ‘crashing’ at their place they’ve made me feel like I have a family and a future and many memories to make around and involving them. Tom and I interact like brother and sister in a way that I only wish I could have a relationship with my own brothers. Leo is something of a subject of intrigue to me. At first I felt like I was like a mom and he was like a dad in the living house/ home involvement situation, together we have cooked, cleaned, and repaired much of Leo’s house. His maturity level is something that attracted me to his personality…for what other twenty one year old do I know that has decided to invest all his lifesavings to buy a house? He has since the party become someone who I feel I will be friends with for a hopefully long time, I have a great time talking to him and we have a lot of things in common. I like that he’s shared a lot of himself with me like his passion for music and his future goals. It scared me at first because Leo and my relationship reminded me of that of Craig and I while we’ve been friends these past six years. At the time I met Leo I had been fighting with Craig and It took a lot in me not to try to make a move on him in spite of Craig, because I have to admit that I was attracted to him and he was conveniently close and accessible unlike Craig who is 3000+ miles away. I’m happy that I got through my initial crush on Leo and that I am now able to communicate with him without feeling guilty that I’m being unfaithful to Craig. I feel that since meeting Leo we’ve had enough conversations to know that our relationship will remain strictly platonic as long as I am in a relationship with someone else. I feel that I need a friendship that is like Craig’s because the main reason that I feel Craig and I have been fighting recently is because our friendship has suffered because of our personal intimacy problems. Better said the compete lack there of… an intimate and physical relationship. I admire the dedication Leo and Tom put into their schoolwork; setting aside hours for studying in the house a day.

Study time in the house is like nap time in kindergarten and quiet reading time in fifth grade…or like being on the silent floor in the Hamline University Library, a peaceful experience that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something. I hope my being around Leo and Tom in that kind of dedicated work environment will help me when I go back to Hamline University. I’ve already decided that ‘when’ not ‘if’ I do go back to Hamline that I will continue to live with Leo and Tom because Leo’s house and my living arrangement would be something that I’d have for a good 3 or 4 years if I decide to move in as long as I can make the rent payments on time.

The consistency and how long term the living situation will be is exactly what I need and want in my life right now. I’ve always been someone to think ahead and toward my future and I feel that my making this decision might be one of the best decisions I’m going to have made this year I’ve taken off of school. This room I’m renting now in Brooklyn Park hasn’t become any bit like somewhere that I’d like to call home. I feel that this house and living situation have so far felt completely temporary, that is until I was able to get back on my feet and find a job and a better place to stay.

The hardest thing about living in Brooklyn Park Minnesota has so far been the two hour bus ride to and from Brooklyn Park. The ride has begun to wear on my nerves and patience.
I’m getting tired of the situations and the people I am encountering on the bus and I want to deal with crazy Minnesotan bus riders a little less.

Just today Tuesday October 20th 2009 I was sitting on the 22 bus after having left Leo and Tom’s place. I was reading my book and trying to make my trip on the hour long bus ride go a little more smoothly. There was a family that got on with two twin girls and one of them was sitting and crying in her stroller and the other was fast asleep being held by her father. The baby in the stroller had come onto the bus crying and the mother seemed to at first be trying to calm the child down for the sake of the ears of everyone on the bus. I wasn’t sure why the child was crying but it seemed to have been wearing on her mother for sometime by the time they’d gotten on the bus. I felt terrible and ashamed to sit back and watch as the parents yelled at the baby to ‘be quiet’ and to ’shut up’ not a proper response to a child who just wants to be picked up and held. I do not think that a person should bring a child into the world just to neglect and raise them with no love and disrespect. After awhile the parents gave up on the child and decided to do the most immature and indecent thing in my book…they just let the child continue screaming and they sat there insulting it. They totally ignored the child and the screams continued to be heard by all who sat on the bus quietly waiting for their stop. I was on the bus till the end and I knew I had a good hour left till my stop. I was hoping that the child after being ignored by her parents would stop crying on her it’s own or that the parents would exit the bus whose confined space only seemed to just magnify the screams.

The bus rolled on and the baby continued crying and I felt that I was sitting back and ignoring the situation too much, everyone on the bus was uncomfortable by the scenerio and I watched as woman with children looked at the parents and shook their heads, I watched as men and woman alike covered their ears and sat back hoping that the parents would do their job in consoling their little bundle of joy… a baby on a bus crying for a half an hour is a ridiculous distraction from reading which I’d been doing.

I decided finally when the cries got deathly loud and exhausting to try to do something about the child and to take matters into my own hands since no one else was going to do anything I decided to get closer to the neglectful mother and her child for there was a seat that had cleared in the seat right behind them. I knew that since the mother was not a very good one that I could make the situation better and continue reading my book in peace and quiet. I love children and I had a feeling that sunk in my heart in looking at the little girl whaling and balling her little eyes out crying mama! mama! with her mother ignoring her.

I asked the young mother if I could pick the child up, a random act that I am surprised she allowed me to do as a stranger on a public bus. As soon as I picked the child up she stopped crying and became deathly silent. I asked her sweetly. “why are you crying cutie? What are we so upset about?” the little girl just stared at me in amazement, I felt that she was looking at someone who treated her politely and nicely for the first time ever. I instantly wanted to take her home with me and make her my own daughter.

I sat there on the bus holding the silent adorable little baby girl for the last thirty or so minutes of the ride, slowly rubbing her back and smiling at her as she stared at me and calmed down. She began to play with my shirt zipper…she looked to be just about two years old. I had an opportunity to continue reading my book with the child on my lap and I kept thinking to myself ‘was that so hard to do? Anybody can console a child! Why can’t these parents?!’

I feel that I relieved the tension on the bus for a lot of people including the driver who said ‘thank you to the girl who picked that baby up,’ into the bus’s microphone.
A man sitting behind me asked me if I had any children. I wasn’t sure if at the time I looked to be old enough to have bore children because I hadn’t done much to my hair and I was wearing a hat that I’d gotten while in Farming Minnesota with Leo and Tom that made me look kind of eccentric.

The man who asked me told me that he’d never seen such a sight in his life and that I’d make a wonderful mother. He pulled out his card and wrote his number on it and told me that I should call him and that we should get together for lunch sometime. I wasn’t sure if he was paying me a compliment for the sake of my random act of kindness or because he found me attractive and because he was trying to pick me up. It was interesting to read his card and to see that he was an admissions person for the University of Minnesota and that he had more than one degree and looked to be paid a lot of money. Surprising especially since he was riding a public transit bus.

When I got to the bus depot which was the last stop it hurt my heart to let the little girl go back to her neglectful parents. I asked the mother and father what the child’s name was and they told me that the girl was named Micah. I like the name Micah because it is the name of my pastor Matt Johnson’s new son. This situation brought a memory to my head of last Saturday morning the 17th when I’d held little Micah Johnson during a potluck breakfast for Life Group Micah Johnson is not in anyway neglected and he is completely silent and I have rarely heard him cry, it is amazing the two worlds these two Micah have to live in.
With me the baby girl Micah hadn’t made one peep. I felt with Little Micah like I do when I have Collin and Caylie I want to save them from the lifestyle that I know their parents are making them lead. No child should have to raise itself. This experience on the bus really made me feel obligated to the little girl and as her parents were leaving the bus depot I ran them down and gave them my number offering to babysit for them whenever they needed. I told them that I was good with children and that I’d love to watch little Micah and her twin sister anytime. I really hope they call me.

It is going through situations like that which depresses me and makes me want something new and more positive. While sitting in the Bus Depot waiting an hour for my second bus I watched as two men got into a fight over something ridiculous I watched as two men ganged up on the one and as a poor man lost four of his teeth in a bloody fist fight. I watched as the cops were called and arrived and as the men who had beat up the poor boy tried to get away from the cops by pretending to be like any other person waiting for the bus…only identified as the col prates by their bloody knuckles. Too much drama and stress for one day in my opinion.

so I’m done with the commute on the 22 and I’m looking for a place nearer to the city and a job that I can feel that I’ve accomplished something in…I’m hoping I can find it all in the next month before Leo finds someone else to fill the rooms of his new home.

Tami + Jake | Engagement from Ryan Southwell on Vimeo.

So I’m doing my regular thing…surfing the net and reading some engagement stories on theknot.com…when I come to this story about Tami and Jake and there is a link to a video on Vimeo…when I get to the site not only am I shocked to see that it is an amazing video but I also see that my OWN BOYFRIEND has added the videos to his favorites… The main question I have is why is my boyfriend looking at engagement videos????

Note to Craig: I WANT TO DO THIS…lets hire THIS GUY….he’s REALLY good.
Plus the song is GREAT!

This one goes out to you and yours
worldwide
I say hey I’ll be gone today
But I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

I’ve been a lot of places all around the way
I’ve seen a lot joy and I’ve seen a lot of pain
but I don’t want to write a love song for the world,
I just want to write a song about a boy and a girl
Junkies on the corner always calling my name
And the kids on the corner playing ghetto games
When I saw you getting down well I hoped it was you
And when I looked into your eyes I knew it was true
I say Hey I’ll be gone today
But I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

Now I’m not a highly metaphysical man
But I know when the stars are aligned you can
bump into person in the middle of the road
look into their eyes and you suddenly know
Rocking in the dance hall moving with you
Dancing in the night in the middle of June
My momma told me don’t lose you
‘cause the best luck I had was you
I said Hey I’ll be gone today
But I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

And I said rocking in the dance hall moving with you
I said Hey momma hey momma close to you
Rocking in the dance hall moving with you
I said hey papa, hey papa close to you
Rocking in the dance hall moving with you
I said Hey Momma close to you
Rocking in the dance hall moving with you I said
hey momma, hey momma, hey momma, hey momma
hey momma, hey momma, hey momma, hey momma
what you gonna do?

My momma told me don’t lose you
Cause the best luck I had was you
And I know one thing that I love you
I said I’ll be gone today
but I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see the less I know
I said I’ll be gone today
but I’ll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see the less I know
But I know one thing that I love you
I love you (3x)
I love you (3x)
I love you (3x)olor1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_detailpage&fs=1″ type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowfullscreen=”true” allowScriptAccess=”always” width=”425″ height=”344″>

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?

So I just overheard my mother telling my little brother that she is writing out her will. I was kind of shocked at first because that would mean that my mother is contemplating what will happen to her and her estate after she leaves us and dies.

Recently with my mother be diagnosed with Cancer I’ve been trying to avoid the situation by acting like there is nothing wrong except that my mother has patches of her skin missing now because of tests and such…and because my mom is constantly in pain and can only handle little touching…hugging her is even hard now. I’ve been avoiding it because I want to be able to focus on the life that is and to not think of the life that may not be.

Gosh, with this will thing I think it just hit me that my mother has cancer and that I might lose her like Craig lost his mother.

I had a big discussion with Craig the other day in which he told me about how his mother did have a will but how he hasn’t seen it and how he half expected there to be some sort of letter waiting from his mother to give him closure after his mother’s passing. When there was nothing there Craig was disappointed and upset.

Right now my mother is writing her Will and in her will she will probably include a letter to each of us children to comfort and prepare us for life to come…to provide closure, she will also be establishing her estate.

I wonder what kind of position she puts me into in the family in her will for after she leaves. I wonder if she puts me in charge of the kids or gives me the animals. I know she doesn’t have a lot of money to leave behind. I wonder if she thinks well of me and I wonder what she’d say to me if she knew that she would never see me again and that I’d be devastated to see her go.

Gosh…I wonder what she is writing down…I hope I don’t have to read it for MANY MANY YEARS.

If it is Right it’s right.
Amor…si me llamas amor
Love, if you call me love

si me dejas amarte, mi bien…yo te voy a adorar.
If you let me love you, my well… i will adore you.

Las estrellas nos veran asombradas
The stars will look at us, amazed

la noche y el dia seran llamaradas
The night and the day will be flared-up

Candor… si me das tu candor
Innocence, if you give me your innocence

si me dejas amarte, mi bien…yo te voy a adorar.
If you let me love you, my well… i will adore you.

Amor…si me llamas amor
Love, if you call me love

si me dejas amarte, mi bien…yo te voy a adorar.
If you let me love you, my well… i will adore you.

Las estrellas nos veran asombradas
The stars will look at us, amazed

la noche y el dia seran llamaradas
The night and the day will be flared-up

Valor… si me das tu valor
Courage, if you give me your courage

Si me atrevo a quererte, mi sol… te voy a idolatrar
If i dare to love you, my sun… i will worship you

Los angeles nos traeran la ternura
Angels will bring us tenderness

Las flores nos vestiran de dulzura
The flowers will dress us with sweetness

Chorus:

Contigo voy a soñar con que rubes
With you, i’ll dream that you blush

Contigo voy a pasear en las nubes
With you, i’ll walk in the clouds

Contigo voy a pasear en las nubes
With you, i’ll walk in the clouds

Contigo voy a pasear en las nubes
With you, i’ll walk in the clouds

Amooooooooor… en las nubes
Looooooooooove… in the clouds

____________________________________________________

Good article:

Take the leap today, girls

Scottish tradition has it that on February 29 a woman has the right to propose marriage to any man she likes – and if the would-be husband refuses, he’s liable to a 100 fine.

But marriage counsellors and wedding industry experts say modern women aren’t waiting for a leap year any more.

Instead, they are increasingly likely to pop the question themselves – and choose the ring.

The leap year day tradition stems from the fact that February 29 was not a real day and had no status in English law, therefore normal customs had no status either.

It was commonly believed that in 1288 Queen Margaret of Scotland had decreed that any woman could propose to any man she liked and he could only refuse if he was already engaged.

Subsequent searches of the acts of the Scottish Parliament have failed to unearth convincing evidence that this unusual decree was issued.

Women popping the question to their partners is no longer regarded as anything out of the ordinary.

Internet provider AOL conducted a survey of 7000 people that found 59 per cent of women and 48 per cent of men thought women who proposed were modern and confident, rather than “scary or intimidating”.

And Bride To Be magazine editor Amelia Bloomfield said their research showed that 60 per cent of couples chose the ring together.

“I think women feel that they want to be more involved,” she said.

Little wonder, when the average cost of an engagement ring is now $2500.

Australian Institute of Family Studies researcher Lixia Qu said 72 per cent of Australian couples now lived together before tying the knot – a “tremendous increase” over the past few decades.

Her research found, conversely, that the longer couples stayed together, particularly after the five-year mark, the less likely they were to expect to get married.

 Gilbert and Sullivan devotees in Sydney are holding a once-in-four- years party today to celebrate the birthday of one of the characters from The Pirates Of Penzance.

Frederick’s birthday brunch, at Balls Head Reserve at Waverton, is being organised by members of the Savoy Theatre at Chatswood.

The character Frederick was born in a leap year and is trapped by a contract that won’t release him until his 21st birthday – but he’d be 100 because of the leap year anomaly.

Because of some problems I had with scheduling last semester and my lack of financial stability Hamline has decided to pull all of my financial aid for the 2009-2010 school year. Not only will I not be able to afford paying for college I won’t have the ability to make even enough to support myself since Hamline on top of that is next year shortening the available student worker positions.

So the decision that I feel that will be best for me right now is to leave Hamline and to go to another school. I feel terrible that I have to make that particular decision but with the current situation of my parents being divorced and my mother moving to a new place and both my parents not in a financial situation to help me out in any way, I feel that I have to take matters into my own hands and do what would be right for me.

I’m moving.
The moving part isn’t as drastic as the where part. I have decided that in a couple of months I will be moving to Scotland, United Kingdom and out of the United States.

Wha?! May be the response many people might make when they see that I have made this decision. Crazy…I thought I would be at Hamline for five years, finish my education degree and THEN move to Scotland…but because of recent financial matters having to do with Hamline an my lack of the funds to pay for such an institution. That’s not happenin’

At twenty years old I feel that I am old enough to be more than able to be  living on my own. I have for over a year and a half now I feel that I am old enough to make such a decision.

It’s is very interesting that I am considering making this move Again when I had planned it before when I was in High school. My plan right after high school was to move to Scotland and go to school there…but I ended up staying to be closer to my family. This past year I’ve realized that my relationship with my family can remain the same regardless of where I am. Even though my mom was recently diagnosed with Cancer I feel that it is important for me to leave now.

A lot of people in my life may be thinking WHY SCOTLAND? well, there are many reason why I could be picking Scotland as my destination to get away from my current life situation and to try to start anew…some of those reasons may be that:

• -I have a significant other in Scotland who is my closest and dearest friend of 6 or so years and who I have been dating for almost a year in Oct.

• -Or that I had gotten accepted into a college in Scotland to study abroad but because of my lack of money to pay for the venture I was unable to go.

• -Or because I feel that moving away from my problems with my family may solve them.

But my reasoning behind the move is much better than that…last year I took a trip to Scotland in order to visit Craig and his family. While I was in Edinburgh Scotland I absolutely fell in love with the City. I feel that traveling to the UK will open up a doorway to the kind of lifestyle I’d like to lead later in life…traveling all around the world and exploring new cultures while I am still young, and happy and physically able to do so.

It has always been my dream to travel the world and I feel that my lack of resources financially as a child made it difficult for my parents to take us kids on vacations. I’ve never been to a tropical island with my family.

Luckily as I got older my mother worked her butt off so that I’d be able to go with my orchestra to such places as Saint Louis and Greece, Germany, Northern Ireland and later to Scotland where I plan to be moving. She gave me a sneak peak at what many people in the United States often find themselves missing out on all their lives. I don’t want to be stuck in America my WHOLE LIFE! I know people who don’t know the world outside their city block and they don’t seem to be striving to make anything more of themselves. I want to see what branch out and be the ambitious social person I’ve always been known to be.

I can’t say that being closer to Craig and his family isn’t a plus in this whole situation. Craig and I have been dating for almost a year it will be a year in October, he is and has been my dearest and closest friend for many years now. His family has become like a family to me. I really appreciate the way his family has taken care of me. Craig’s mom treated me like her own child when I was there and I was lucky that she was able to send me recipes Craig’s favorite dishes before she died because I want to try them out when I get over there. Craig’s dad was a father figure that I  haven’t seen in my own life for many years. Craig’s father is strong and inviting and he always has a great story to tell. I really appreciate how Craig and his dad get along. When I hugged Craig’s dad at the airport as I left Scotland to  head to Ireland he asked me to come back soon. I will always remember that moment :D. Craig’s sister Claire’s being so close in age to both Craig and I have made it easier for me to get to know and like her, she’s awesome at shopping and I hope we can spend more time together when I get there, she is a great friend to Craig while he is living in Dundee and she has a lot of will power and strength that I admire. I’d think that Claire was Craig’s age at times in the way she acts. They are like twins and I love their relationship as siblings.

As for Craig, I love him and being nearer to him could only be a positive thing because six months apart from the one you love is a hard thing to do. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

When I was applying for my Visa I realized everything I had to do in order to make the move as smooth as possible.

the first thing was that i was going to have to determine my goal in going to Scotland. Was I going there to Study, to work or to reside until I wanted to make up my mind on what I wanted to do with my life. Considering my current financial situation being the reason why I needed to withdraw from Hamline University in the first place, I found it very important that I am financially stable before I try applying to another college. So I decided going to Scotland to study right away may not be the best decision. Instead I want to work for awhile and get myself on my feet in the culture and in my new residence. second, I did not want to apply for a Visa and say that I am only going to Scotland to work, because at the moment I do not have a job lined up but I do have a job in the works for later. So I have made up my mind that I am going to Scotland to live.

People keep asking me why I can’t just stay in Minneapolis with my family or in Saint Paul “to live” but I feel that Scotland is the only place where I will be able to find myself and get myself out of the spiritual and emotional funk I am currently in. I am constantly depressed and lonely even though I am constantly surrounded by people. While I’m in school I have become a Hermit who only comes out of my den when I have something to do with members of my sorority or on a class project. I am a very social person and I need attention and I need companionship and friendship and I found no one last year who stuck around me long enough to make a connection that was more than just skin deep and temporary. Even though I will throughly miss my Delta Tau sisters and the members of Theta Chi I know that I will remain friends with them even after I go because the lasting family bonds I’ve made with them and the memories will never fade when I have left. I will make an effort to write and keep in touch with all of them while I am gone, they have truely gotten me through this last year of school.

My relationship with my siblings has gotten progressively worse because I have somewhat of an overbearing mother complex. I was raised in an environment where I often needed to take care of things myself. If I needed to get somewhere I needed to find my own ride. I would stay after school doing any activity that I could get involved in so that I wouldn’t have to go home and deal with the stresses and the hardships of not having any money. I remember going home to a house where there was no running water, gas, or electricity. I wouldn’t invite my friends over because I was ashamed to show them that I was living in a 3 bedroom apt with my mom and three (4 w/ sky) siblings. We would burn candles at night for light and do whatever we had to do to cook and get hot water to bathe and get ready. I remember going to school and doing my hair early in the morning because I couldn’t at home. Because I was raised in that kind of environment I became a more mature female figure in my house. I worked, cooked, and did chores that needed to get done. I provided money for field trips and stayed home to watch over sick children…I even disciplined. It was these acts that separated me from my siblings and created much rivalry between us, during the time that my brother Tyler is supposed to be rebelling against his mother he is rebelling against ME his sister because I have become his mother figure. He no longer takes any orders from my own mother because since she isn’t strong enough to defend herself against my father he feels that she is unworthy of such a position he considers her more of a friends. He feels that he is the real head of the household even though he acts as a boy in a man’s body with anger issues like my father. I feel that I have taken too much from my brother like my mother took and took and took from my father. I am tired of being treated wrong and I feel that the healthiest way for me to escape the drama is for me to leave the equation until Tyler realizes that I am not his mother but I am his sister.

When it comes to Cynthia and Eric I wish i could be a better part of their lives. They are stuck in the middle of something that is bigger than them and I hope I can be a good example for them in telling and showing them that there is a way to get out of it all and to be happy. I think Eric is on his journey to discovering that on his own and I hope that Cynthia isn’t a lost cause. I am following my dreams and the messed up situation that I came out of hasn’t hindered my judgment.

This is one of my main problems because I lacked friends who were willing to venture into Minneapolis to come see me I found that all I would do when my family did have power would be to sit on my computer and chat with the person who has become my best friend Craig. My siblings would treat me life garbage because that was the example my dad left behind as an impression for anybody who helped and supported my mom. Craig got me through some of my hardest times and it was his encouragement that would help me wake up in the morning. He made me feel special and he knows me better than my mother even does. Craig was the reason I began taking pictures and wanting to document as much of my life as possible. I would only write blogs with hope that he would read them. I would only post pictures with hopes that he would see them. It got to the point where I would check to see if he was online every few hours and that my mother would change the password to the computer and give me a bedtime so that I wouldn’t stay up all night talking to him about GOD KNOWS WHAT. Craig became to me my childhood and the only fun I found that I could have.

Yeah, I did plays and got involved in music…but that was only to help me overcome my loneliness.

When I was in Scotland last year everything seemed to be perfect…everyday was an adventure and all the pieces fell into place. Even though I had some hard times {losing me passport for a short time} and feel a tad bit homesick I never felt the loneliness that I’ve felt being at home and being hurt by my brothers and sisters. Or being in school at my dorm and having my own roommate move out on me for no expected reason and then having no one invite or include me in anything. Mel was my only friend in the first semester but even her and I drifted apart. People like Kayla S would be nice to me then would try to spread all of my personal private secrets to everyone.

I looked forward to Sundays because I could go to Church, Church has been my saving GRACE this past semester and has saved me many times from wanting to disappear from the world all together. Singing in church this past year has given me a purpose and people like Mikey Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons have been there to get my back and be there to listen to my rant and hug me when i cry and give me the wisdom that they have I remember Mikey turning to me and telling me some story about him being alone during a church service and I had no clue  what he meant and how it purtained to my loneiness situation but it was the way that he said it that lifted my spirits and gave me hope and put a smile on my face. Jake Babcock was always there to let me rant about how life sucked and he told me ways to make it least suck and Kyle was my spiritual angel who appeared at one of my lowest points spiritually to pick me up. It will be people like them who I will miss the most but it is people like them who I will quote and remember as I make new friendships and trek new pathes.

I need to escape the drama of my father’s situation and how he wants to create a friendship with me even though he has done so much to hurt my mother in the past even though she did what did not only for her children’s betterment but for the betterment of her husband my father as well. She did all she could to offer him opportunities to become a better person…she took therapy, she made us kids take therapy and we realized that we had found closure with ourselves but my dad had refused it. I’ve seen him do wicked unGodly things and I’m not ready to accept him back into my life just yet.

So I am moving to Scotland and it is the best decision that I feel that I’ve made in a long while. Tell me if you think I’m wrong and for what reasons…I’d like to know your opinion on this whole situation.

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but your nostrils are insulting. I think I realized it When I threw up In your apartment and I saw you Drive out my John F. Kennedy-statue. I’m sure you’re ashamed enough to understand that I’m open. I’m returning your love letters to you, but I’ll keep the oil stocks as a memory. You should also know that i always wanted to break A passionate interest for mice.

Your everlasting enemy,
- Corinne-

RULES:
Tag no less than 5 other people.

-> How you do the Letter Meme:

Dear (number one person on your friends list):

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2_____3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I’m sure you’re ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I’m returning ___8___ to you, but I’ll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,
-Your name-

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – Our romance is over
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the monastery
Black – I dislike you
Green – Our horoscope doesn’t match
Grey – You’re a pervert
Yellow – I’m selling myself
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – You’re a loser
Other – I’m in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January – That night
February – Last year
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on sesame seeds
May – First of May
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I threw up
August – When I saw the shrunken head
September – When we skinny dipped
October – When I quoted Santa
November – When your dog ran amok
December – When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – In your apartment
Pizza – In your camping car
Pasta – Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you ate enchilada
Chicken – In your closet
Kabob – With Paris Hilton
Fish – In women’s clothing
Sandwiches – At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna – At the mental hospital
Hot dog – Under a state of trance
None of the above – With George Bush and his wife

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – Hit on
Red – Insult
Black – Ignore
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – Put leeches on
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the toupee off
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive out

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – My best friend
White – My father
Grey – Bill Clinton
Brown – My fart balloon
Purple – My mustard soufflé
Red – Donald Duck
Blue – My avocado plant
Yellow – My penpal in Ghana
Orange – My Kid Rock-collection
Pink – Manchester United’s goalkeeper
None – My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other – The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs – Man
O.C. – Emotional
One Tree Hill – Open
Heroes – Frostbitten
Lost – High
House – Scarred
Simpsons – Cowardly
The news – Mongolic
Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Senile
Top Model – Middle-class
None of the above – Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy – How awful I’ve felt
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – That Santa doesn’t exist
Angry – That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed – That we’re cousins
Excited – That there is no solution to this.
Nervous – The middle-east
Worried – That your Honda sucks
Apathetic – That I had a sex-change
Ashamed – That I’m allergic to your hamster
Cuddly – That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous – That I’m open
Other – That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your ring
Yellow – Your love letters
Red – Your Darth Vader-poster
Black – Your tame stone
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – The pictures from LA
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your contact book
Grey – Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple – Your old lottery coupons
Pink – How awful I’ve felt
Other – Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B – Your photo
C/D – The oil stocks
E/F – Your neighbour Martin
G/H – My virginity
I/J – The results of your blood-sample
K/L – Your left ear
M/N – Your suicide note
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – David’s tricot outfits
Y/Z – Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B – Always will remember
C/D – Never will forget
E/F – Always wanted to break
G/H – Never openly mocked
I/J – Always have felt dirty before
K/L – Will tell the authorities about
M/N – Told in my confession today about
O/P – Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R – Told my psychiatrist about
S/T – Get sick when I think of
U/V – Always will try to forget
W/X – Am better off without
Y/Z – Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer – Senility
Soft drink – A new life as a clone
Soda – The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk – The apartment building
Wine – Cocaine abuse
Cider – A passionate interest for mice
Juice – Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water – Your embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate – Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky – To ruin the second world war
Other – To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm regards
USA – Best regards
England – Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain – Go and drown yourself
China – Disgusting regards
Germany – With ease
Japan – Go burn
Greece – Your everlasting enemy
Australia – Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Fuck off now
France – In pain
Other – Greetings to your freaky family