Corinne's Blog

Warning:

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?

This past July for my little brother and sister’s birthday I decided to surprise them with some Hamsters as pets…Ironic since we have three cats in our home right now.

The reason I wanted to get them something special is because for the last few years my family hasn’t been able to afford Christmas and birthday presents. It seemed that every year I (Eric and Cynthia’s old sister) was the only one ever getting them anything. This past Christmas my mother had informed me that she couldn’t afford to get the kids anything but that instead she bought a lot of family games in hopes that everyone would be happy in playing them together.

I’d been out of the country at the time so I was unable to get them anything…though I did try to give them each a gift when I got back. This birthday for the kids is especially special because we were all recently told that my mother has cancer. My mother’s doctors appointment at the Mayo clinic was actually the same week as my siblings birthdays(the 21st and 22nd of July) . It is hard to think about having fun when your relative isn’t in their best health. Personally I was depressed on my birthday and I didn’t want the same to happen to my siblings.

My friend Heidi Winter a friend that I’ve had since Middle school had just had a hamster that had give birth to about 20 babies. She wanted to get rid of them an advertised that the Hamsters needed a new home on facebook one day. That was around the time that I was thinking about what I’d be getting my siblings…when the time came I ask Heidi if the offer to get the Dwarf Hamsters was still on the table.

Heidi

She said yes and I made arrangements to pick them up. Well, I’d never taken care of a hamster so when the time came for me to get the supplies I was happy to have my friend Alex Jeffrey along to help me out in getting everything. He was so nice that while we were out he even paid for most of it…and let me use his Target discount! He’s a great friend and put up with me well as we drove around looking for supplies. We ended up buying make shift cages, baskets for shelters, hamster water bottles, food, pine litter and a food dish for both the cages.

I knew that I would be getting both male and female hamsters so I knew I had to separate the sexes. When we went to pick the Hamsters up Heidi was shocked because she felt that the cages we had for the hamsters were not sufficient and up to her standards. I personally felt that the cages were great and I was surprised at how small the hamsters were and how much space the hamsters would have.

I was please with everything and I felt that what Heidi was saying about my cage picking was kind of rude. I understand though now…if I was giving something away to someone after taking care of it from birth I think I’d be picky about where it would be staying too.

Heidi insisted that I get the hamsters proper cages and even took one of the hamsters back because she felt bad leaving it with me. “You act like a kid Corinne…” I remember her telling me when I told her to trust me. As a friend having known me for years I was hoping that she would be able to simply do that. Heidi didn’t let Alex and I leave her house until I promised her that I would get proper cages and go shopping with her for hamster supplies.

After leaving Heidi’s house Alex and I drove to his house where we watched Ratatouille one of my new favorite animated films (because I like the way the animators made the actions of the human characters so natural and realistic.) While at Alex’s I was really worried because of Alex’s dog Sarah…totally innocent Sarah with a totally huge doggy heart! I was worried because Sarah kept staring at the hamsters…Sarah is a huge Black lab I think and she was making me feel really weird…the whole movie I found myself having a hard time relaxing and staring at Sarah and calling for over to get her away from the case.

the make shift cage

hamster

I breathed a huge sigh of relief when we were able to leave after the movie was over and take the hamsters to my mom’s house where they would be residing.

They have been here now for a couple of weeks and it was only the other day that I began to feel like they were unsafe in their environment…when the girls started looking for ways to escape the cage. I was sitting on the couch up late at night chatting with Craig at like 4am my time and 10am his…we were doing our usual flirting when I noticed out of the corner of my eye my Cat Emmy walking past.

my smart cat Emmy

now my cat Emmy is a brilliant cat…she is sly and smart and loves to play fetch with a ball…like a dog does. She usually walks around after playing fetch with her bright blue, green and pink balls in her mouth…like she’s showing off her catch. This particular night I was surprised because It wasn’t a bright ball that I saw in her mouth it was a fuzz ball…I remember thinking ‘we don’t have mice’ and then I ran after her to get the hamster out of her mouth. The hamster who I found out was one of the baby girls was only a little shocked and a but injured in the eye after it’s encounter with my cat after having figured out a way to escape our make shift Hamster cage. I put the little baby girl back and I thought to myself…I have GOT to get a new cage soon…this will teach the little hamster not to try to leave again…it will be so traumatized that it will not…I ended up checking on the hamster every hour just to see how it was doing until I saw it was looking fine and back to normal.

This was the last straw…

Over the time I had had the hamsters Heidi had been constantly emailing and writing on my wall on facebook asking me how they were…I’d told the truth that they’d been doing fine. In one of her messages Heidi had told me that she’d gotten me a cage because she had found an extra one and that she wanted to give it to me. I had agreed to take the cage in hopes that Heidi would stop nagging me… After the run in with the cat I felt that It was more important for me to meet up and get the proper cage soon. The other day on Michelle’s birthday (Thursday) I was at the Gay 90s and I ended up meeting up with Heidi…I asked her if she had the cage with her and she informed me that she didn’t…which makes sence…who takes a hamster cage clubbing?

I was a bit disappointed but I was determined that before I left for Scotland I would get my sibling’s Hamsters a proper home.

Just earlier today after my mom had picked me up as we were walking down the walkway she decided to break some tragic news to me… “Emmy my brilliant cat had gotten on the counter where the Hamsters cage was and had managed to knock the hamster cage over and have dinner” she told me…

“How many hamsters did she get?” I asked my mother hoping that even 1 of them survived and thinking that it was a bad idea for me to bring hamsters into a house full of cats. “Omg my gosh Heidi’s going to kill me!” I thought to myself…’I hope none of them died of shock after seeing a giant cat’ I was thinking.

I ran into the bathroom of my mom’s house in total shock passing the empty make shift cages and supplies that i’d taken so much time picking out that one day with Alex. My mom stood at the door and knocked and told me that I should come out…I wanted to cry and I told my mom to leave me alone because I felt overwhelmed that she ‘hadn’t told me’ …”let me explain” my mother began as I opened the door to the bathroom…just then I went off “MOM! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH i PROMISED HEIDI HER HAMSTERS WOULD BE SAFE WITH ME?!” I yelled “I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET HER AND GET THEM A PROPER CAGE H OW MANY OF THEM DIED? MAYBE DID ANY OF THEM LIVE?! MOM I’M SUPPOSED TO GET A CAGE FOR THEM FROM HEIDI ONE THAT LOOKS….JUST LIKE THAT….one.”

Right in front of me there sat 2 brand spanking new and proper cages…and inside I watched as six hamsters scurred around enjoying themselves and having fun…in my rage, sadness, anger and confusion I’d ran right past them and into the bathroom.

“That’s not a good joke mom…why did you have to play that?” I ask my mother as she and my brother laughed at my realization.

“It is….When you get upset you are totally blind to the world around you…did you even see them at all as you ran to the bathroom? You ran right past them.”

“No,” I said “I was too busy thinking about what Heidi would do to me if her hamsters died in my care”

“Do you really think i’d let something like that happen in my own house?” my mother asked

“No.” I said “But what motivated you to get a new cage”

“Well,” my mom said ” I came home from work on Thursday and I heard squealing coming from the girl’s cage and a noticed the biggest one trying to get out, She was stuck and I thought that it was only a matter of time before all the hamsters figure their way out of that thing. So I bought a proper cage…You owe me 50 bucks by the way”

“Thanks mom” was all I could say….

So that was my Hamster Surprise and just to set the record straight…as of today I still have all six hamsters I was given that day a few weeks ago. :D

They’d been fine all along and they had enjoyed they were enjoying their new cage.

So I just overheard my mother telling my little brother that she is writing out her will. I was kind of shocked at first because that would mean that my mother is contemplating what will happen to her and her estate after she leaves us and dies.

Recently with my mother be diagnosed with Cancer I’ve been trying to avoid the situation by acting like there is nothing wrong except that my mother has patches of her skin missing now because of tests and such…and because my mom is constantly in pain and can only handle little touching…hugging her is even hard now. I’ve been avoiding it because I want to be able to focus on the life that is and to not think of the life that may not be.

Gosh, with this will thing I think it just hit me that my mother has cancer and that I might lose her like Craig lost his mother.

I had a big discussion with Craig the other day in which he told me about how his mother did have a will but how he hasn’t seen it and how he half expected there to be some sort of letter waiting from his mother to give him closure after his mother’s passing. When there was nothing there Craig was disappointed and upset.

Right now my mother is writing her Will and in her will she will probably include a letter to each of us children to comfort and prepare us for life to come…to provide closure, she will also be establishing her estate.

I wonder what kind of position she puts me into in the family in her will for after she leaves. I wonder if she puts me in charge of the kids or gives me the animals. I know she doesn’t have a lot of money to leave behind. I wonder if she thinks well of me and I wonder what she’d say to me if she knew that she would never see me again and that I’d be devastated to see her go.

Gosh…I wonder what she is writing down…I hope I don’t have to read it for MANY MANY YEARS.

Because I didn’t spend a lot of money last semester and because I got a lot of Loans last semester the school over charged me more than I spent and I got a refund check of almost 600$. That’s enough for me to deposit and get out of Debt tomorrow…meaning that I can start paying people I love back PRETTY SOON! I’m so happy that God has created this miracle in my life…!

When I get my next paycheck it will be toward a positive account…and I will be able to raise money soon too. Hurray!

My account will be unfrozen then I will proceed to pay:

-Craig(and his dad),  -My  mom, – Hamline University, and anyone else I owe. I’m not superstitious but I know that this is a good thing is a line of good things i know that are coming my way. I’ve been working my butt off too hard not to get them.