Last year around this time I’d just been broken up with my my ex boyfriend Craig, This year I am happy to say that I’ve been blessed with a handsome, caring and intelligent new boyfriend, David. Though David is unable to join my family and I this Thanksgiving because he’s busy doing work for law school I was blessed to be able to see him on Tuesday and he might grace me with his presence Friday also. I’m grateful to have a boyfriend who I can physically see and touch and interact with it’s a total turn around from having a long distance boyfriend who I could only interact with online. It’s nice to have someone I can actually reach out and touch who can touch me back when I want and need it. It’s great to have someone to hug and hold hands with, I’m Thankful this Thanksgiving Holiday for that ability.

My new handsome boyfriend David

I am also Thankful for my job. Though I have a sometime messy and frustrating job I’m thankful that I’m doing something at which I’m good. I’m really great with working with children and the fact that I am surrounded by children and I can play and do fun art projects with them really makes my life more exciting. Even though many of my coworkers are cliquey and even though every little thing I does seems to warrant a meeting with the boss and a threat of losing my job I’m thankful for being able to destress and take my job one day at a time.

I’m Thankful to have a roof over my head and good housemates who take the time to acknowledge my presence. Matthew one of my housemates who is a little older than me and at a higher level in school as I am at MCTC even tutored me through a Chemistry assignment the other night. And when he was making pizza he shared it with me. I am thankful for good friendly conversation that I get to have with my housemates (all except Alton who doesn’t talk to me) in passing.

The day our front tree lost all it's leaves.

Though I absolutely hate my commute, especially now that I’ve had my wallet stolen off a bus I’m thankful that I have a way to get to and from work and I pray that by this time next year I’ll have a brand new car to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for the ability to be able to go to school and get a decent education. My being in school this semester has really shown me that with the right work effort and established work habits that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I’m praying that with God’s grace I’ll actually pass the Chemistry exam that is coming up in a few weeks.

Nutrition Flashcards

I’m Thankful for family, My mother has been there for me when I’ve needed her this past year. I appreciate that bonding I’ve been able to do with my brother Eric while being on the worship team. And though she’s a pest sometimes I’m grateful and Thankful for my little sister for looking up to me and missing me, it makes me feel special. I hope next year I’ll have more to write about Tiffany, Evan, Tyler and my father Ronnie.

I am thankful for being alive under the grace of God and I hope I continue to live to make a positive difference in the world.

I’m Thankful for the friends I’ve had this last year, though I’m not able to see them as much as I’d like to I’m thankful that I have people in my life who check up on me and text me wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and who tell me they care about me. Adam M, Heidi W, Alex J, Mikey B, Ian M, Byron T, James, Cori, Alisa, Julie K, Peter P, Lucy, Tymisha and Dean, and all those people who I forget to mention. I’m Thankful for the people I get to interact with on a regular basis and I wish them all a great and happy Thanksgiving.

I’m Thankful for good food and decent weather, though I get tired of the snow of Winter about one third of the way through it because I must stand outside for Minneapolis Kids recess I’m Thankful for the changes in weather and that I have eyes to see the beauty in the weather. I love that fact that I wake early and I’m able to see the sunrise and that I get to go home and see the sun setting. I’m thankful for being able to enjoy all parts of my day and that I have well working sensory organs.

I’m Thankful for my church, and the people who support and counsel me even when I don’t feel like getting counselling. I’m Thankful that God created those people and brought them together for his purposes. I’m also thankful for the world church as a body working together to being the truth to all nations.

I’m thankful for our nation’s history and the leaders that are currently trying to lead our government even through all the grief and fault that take for the nations problems.

I’m thankful for those who are brave enough to stand up and fight for what they believe in, whether it be the Occupy movement or the oppressed peoples of other countries. I appreciate and am thankful for having a voice that can be heard even if I am small and even if I think I’m insignificant.

I’m Thankful for my past relationships that are no longer for making me the way I am.

I’m thankful for the ability to laugh and smile and feel pain, and cry and live a human life with all it’s roller coaster ups and downs.

I’m thankful for where God placed me in the world and where he’s put me in life, I really have goals set and I’m thankful that I’m taking the steps to accomplish the way of life I’m striving for.

I have a lot more that I’m thankful for, but I’m going to go make some cranberry mold and baked pumpkin with my little sister Cynthia.

I wish everyone a pleasant Thanksgiving.

I’d had the intentions of coming around to these parts ever since my mom told me that my cat Snow was dying and that she had intentions of putting her to sleep.

I’m highly against putting animals to sleep especially when I can come home to my mom’s house and see my cat in the exact same health condition as she has been for months now.

The only difference between this cat and my normal cat is that she can’t control her bladder, that’s the beginning of the end they say.

Last Tuesday I completely lost it when my mother told me that she had intentions of taking my Cat in last Wednesday. I cried and cried and I refused to get out of my mother’s car and go home until she promised that she’d give snow one more day.

It frightens me that the vets will be taking my cat and making her die alone with gas or a shot that will slowly make all her vital organs just stop.

I love my cat dearly and I can’t handle not having her around after she’d been in my life my whole life.

I thought my mom was possibly lying to me but boy was I surprised to discover that my cat was still alive Wednesday afternoon after i got out of my class and I was headed to work at my second job. I wasn’t able to get out and to my mom’s house to see my cat until nearly nine at night when there would be no chance of me getting back home after the fact to change and get ready for Thursday day at work and school.

Thursday wasn’t any better and everyday until now Sunday…and my cat is still alive because I asked that I be able to see her before she is put to sleep so I can say goodbye in anyway I can.

Coming tonight though I am unable to see anything wrong with her which just frustrates me because she seems like she always is, a tired old cat just laying around and being cute, she’s walking around, eating and meowing for attention as she always has. She even spent some time following me around when I first arrived at my mother’s house.

She’s laying right next to me sleep right now so I’m sitting here thinking…to put her to sleep would be to kill a innocent, yet a little sickly  animal.
I go to my mother and ask her why she wants to put Snow down now that she’s showing such little signs of being sickly enough to die.

My mom says that she can’t deal with any stress right now, and I ask her what stress there would be in snow’s being the same as she usually is and my mom makes me sit down in front of her and she informs me that she thinks she’s relapsing.

My mom has had cancer for about two years now and she’d had Multiple Sclerosis for twenty two, she was diagnosed with it when she was pregnant with me.

“I’m relapsing Corinne and as hard as it is for me to deal with Snow right now I can’t take this stress while I’m relapsing.”

“Into Cancer?” I asked knowing my mom had cancer.

“I’ll always have Cancer” my mom said “it’s not going anywhere anytime soon” she says

“Than it’s the MS?” I ask

And she nods.

My mom has relapsed into MS twice in my life, the first time I was in Kindergarten and i found my mom laying on the ground in the hallway and she couldn’t get up, I remember I thought she was dying the second time I was about sixteen and i remember having to change her iv for the steroids they put her on to make her stronger. When she lapsed from stage one to stage two she was forced into taking shots daily.

This time my mom tells me she is having trouble with her walking, I noticed it today this morning when she didn’t walk straight up the stairs and she used the handle railing at church to assist her.

So I think this is the more than just a relapse, people with MS have lost their abilities to walk and have ended up in wheelchairs.

So this just became  an issue of if I want to cause my mom more stress and kill her or if I want to let my childhood cat be put to sleep.

I am having a hard time letting go of my childhood cat because I don’t believe in killing and innocent creature and that it is God’s place to do so but this whole business with my mother and the way she’s sprung it on me has me thinking that I have no other choice.

It’s my mother or my cat.

This will be my first Spring in my new house and I’m hoping it won’t be my last. With my losing my job in a few months I’m worried about the fact that I’m going to have a rocky summer financially. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going do to cover my expenses over the summer and I’ve come up with four possible options.

the first being to find another job,
This is easier said than done and I really don’t want to find a job that will make it hard for me to return to my Minneapolis Kids job come next Fall when the school year begins again. I’m really hoping the mpls kids staff don’t forget about me over the Summer when the next school year begins.

My Second option would be to file for unemployment over the summer and to hope that it will cover the costs of my lost job over the summer. This is tricky because it isn’t guaranteed but it would make it a lot easier for me to return to school and not have any conflicts of school and my work schedule. I’d be able to take summer classes at MCTC but my debts would still stand as they already were. This is a risk I’d be willing to take in order to get myself back into school. I might find some odd jobs like babysitting which I already find myself doing to pay off my everyday expenses.

My third option would be to apply for a job with one of my house mates, Scott. The job would require me to travel to a fishing village in Alaska to work in a fishing factory for about 6 weeks. that’s a month and a half and after those 6 weeks I’d be given roughly 3grand (3,000$) minus my travel expenses. This would be a great way for me to make a large amount of money without trouble and it would make it easier for me to pay off my debts and get into school in the fall. Sadly though I wouldn’t be able to take the classes I’d planned on taking over the Summer and I’d be that much more behind in starting my Nursing program. I’d become a bit of a zombie after having worked 16 hours days and after that I’m considering finding a summer job for the rest of the summer in order to let a bit of money simply sit in the bank or in order to be able to prepay a few months of rent off.

My fourth option and that option I’m trying to avoid the most would be to ask my mother to help me in these next upcoming months. That would mean asking her to cover my rent of about 375$ for about three months…that would be over 1000$ and I know already that she doesn’t have it. She has a hard time even giving me 200$ dollars to help me cover half of my current outstanding MCTC bill. This would be a total stretch because I’d be asking her also to help me with money for food and while I was going to school for help with my school bills. This would help me focus on school because I wouldn’t have to work but I know It would make it difficult on my mother to pay her own bills and take care of herself and my siblings. This would be the last thing I’d try.

Even though I have such big decisions to make I have the ability to look at my life in comparison of other people’s and be grateful because my life could be SO much worse! I’m truly blessed to be surrounded and supported by a wonderful group of family and friends who love me. Even greater than all that God is on my side and watching over me at all times. They say a person should be nice to all because you never know when you are in the presence of  Angels…but I feel that Angels fill my life with joy at all times.

Till I have to get down to the wire in making my decisions I’ll count my blessings and enjoy the upcoming Spring. The nice weather and new fresh sun and the blue skies and green grass are beginning of lift my spirits already tremendously.

My mother is a strong and very wise woman….she’s been my primary support through my whole life.

When asked yesterday where my father was and what he was doing I had to answer that my father worked ‘around’ and that I wasn’t really sure where or what he did. I said that I used to live with my mother and after my parents separated that my mother was my primary care giver and provider until I moved out of her house.

But then the person asked if my father still helped to support me in anyway way and thinking about it truly hurt me.
No…he didn’t. The last thing he did for me was to take me to work when I didn’t have any bus fare…that was the first time I’d really asked him for a favor since I’d been planning to move to Scotland and I’d need help with money and he’d given me 100 dollars.

I remember when he’d been in the car with me he’d talked to be about how he was working on replacing a part of a toilet…I must need help because I feel that he owes my mother something and that the money he made there should have gone to her.

She’s the one whose raised his children and supported them for all these years…Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that he’s making money that is only going to supporting himself when he has six children. He only interacts really now with my little sister Cynthia because it seems that my brother Eric has cut him off…and he talks to my brother Evan who has cut my mother and I off.

My father has a college degree and he chooses to not get a job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. My father lives in a house that he doesn’t have to pay for on the meager wages he gets from doing freelance handyman work around the twin cities. My father has tried to establish a relationship with me multiple times but I’m finding it extremely hard to want to support him and be around him when he should have gotten a good job to help my mother raise me and my siblings. Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that my mother can barely afford cancer treatments because my father isn’t paying the 12,000 dollars in child support that he needs to. If my father were to pay for the child support my mother would be able to use the money that she is using for my sister’s school tuition to pay for her cancer treatments. My father doesn’t care for my mother at all and if my mother dies of cancer I will blame him.

I looked up deadbeat dad on google to find out what my father really was…I’d heard before that men who didn’t pay their child support were deadbeat…

But I needed to know for myself.

Noun

S: (n) deadbeat dad (a father who willfully defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring)

That is what my father has done to my family for many years.

He says he wants to make things right with me and my siblings but I want this to be the first step.

Is he ill and incapable of finding a job?

My mother is ill with two diseases and she still gets up everyday and works her butt off for her children.

What is up with him other than that he is getting older?

So what he’s getting grays…so what his eye sight is bad…why is he subjecting himself to poverty to not have to pay child support.

Sure he’s going through a depression…yet he refuses to seek help.

He’s constantly talking about how he is going to die soon…we don’t know if that means he’s going to kill himself or what.

All I know is that there was a time that he had many dreams. He would get up everyday and I’d admire the way he looked in his suit and tie when he went off the work. I truly believed that he could do anything he set his mind to because he was an intelligent well educated articulate black man. There was nothing that he couldn’t do when he set his mind to it.

Deep down in me I want to believe that he is still that man and that he can start anew…even at his age. I want to believe that my father hasn’t given up on life and taking care of his children.

Paying child support would be all it took for me to respect him again but I haven’t seen it and all I see is my mother struggling in all this by herself. And it is wearing on her and I know that it is wearing on her and actually killing her.

My mother is dying and my father is deciding to sit back and do nothing but watch.

My father is a deadbeat dad, but I believe that if he tried he could get a job and start anew and be so much more.

The India Arie songs that she identified as being for me and for my relationships were really accurate this time and I was surprised…I listed to one of the songs that she said was me and Craig and it brought me to tears.

So here I share “He Heals Me” By India Arie and dedicate it to Craig McCreath: My Love and Best Friend Forever.

He heals me
Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I’m wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I’m not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he’ll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together
However things turn out, it’s all right
Cause he’s already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

I wasn’t allowed to complain about the work I had to do because the first time I’d said anything about the work I’d been “told on” by the nanny.

Funny enough though, every time I usually shared with the nanny it was her who was asking me something.
After that I was told that I wasn’t allowed to socialize or talk to anyone during the hours that I was work…which was 8 hours a day 5 days a week…40 hours a week of not talking to anyone could drive a person crazy.

I was told that if I was caught complaining that I’d be fired.

Well I was supposed to be put in charge of the meals. I was happy about this part of my job because cooking is something I enjoy doing that I do very well. Yet, when I was constantly shadowed by the lady of the house Janel Goff (which is quite annoying, stressful, and hard to deal with) I asked her politely if since cooking was in my job description and because they’d given me that responsibility, I asked that she let me be in charge of making the food and I asked that she give me control in the kitchen when it was my time to cook, instead of her thinking that I am not doing things right instead of doing them her way.

Asking her this must have made her feel that I was trying to overrule her command because the next day Brian came to me and told me that he and Janel didn’t want me making meals anymore, and they had discussed it before they went to bed. They had decided to punish me by taking away the one thing that I enjoyed during the day.

When I worked on Labor Day while the rest of America’s working population was off, I asked for time and a half which was fitting. But, my employer Brian Goff told me that I couldn’t get it because the day I moved into my small 2 bedroom apt and still worked a half a day in the house, I’d been paid for a full day.

When I told Brian that I might want to take up an afternoon job because what he was paying me was so low, he told me…okay sure since you aren’t doing dinner now you can work till 5:30pm and start you babysitting in the afternoons. I didn’t know that the hour that he’d decided to let me off early for would cost be my 2nd daily break time.

I got off an hour earlier because I sacrificed my own free time…like when a teacher takes away minutes at recess.

I heard that Brian was the kind of man to play tricks like that, not paying people, overworking people, creating contracts that practically enslaved people.

The main reason I was settling at the Goff’s place for only 100$ a week…not including food costs was because I needed a place to stay and I was technically working off my living expenses by working for the family.

I was given my own place to live while I worked for the family, this place was supposed to be treated like an apartment away from the main house. “My own place” I was given a house mate who was also working for the Goff family, their gardener Louie.

The problems that I encountered with this living situation was that Brian felt that even during my break time he could come onto my side of the house and give me orders for what I should be doing later. When I felt that my break time was the only time I could escape from my servitude and relax…that became extremely stressful. Not only that but when I was on break, because the Goff’s didn’t care about anyone but their own selves they had neglected to fix anything in our part of the house…we didn’t have internet, cable, a separate phone line, and for about a week and a half our main plumbing in our kitchen didn’t work and our sinks were clogged. I spent most of my nights going to the local coffee shop with my housemate to go get internet.

One thing that I was extremely grateful of were my weekend off. This was a time that I spent living the life I would be living if I hadn’t been working all the time. I bathed weekends, went and read, went home to visit my mother, attended church and was about to refresh and reset myself and my spirits for the following week. The weekends became a time that the Goff would leave me alone and I would leave them alone. Even though more than once I was called and ‘ordered’ to do something on a Saturday morning.

I am  surprised that it was the acts of this past weekend that got me fired and evicted from the Goff household.

My friend Jimmy was being evicted from his home. I am Jimmy’s primary babysitter of his two small children Collin who is age 4 and Caylie who just turned 2 on Sept 11th. I’ve watched over Collin and Caylie so much since before Collin was even walking that I feel like I have a major hand in how they’ve been raised. They aren’t people i babysit for and get paid for. I watch Collin and Caylie for free because I consider them to be family and like my own children.

Every time I watch the Hines children they have stayed at my place of residence, my mom’s house, my dorm, my friend’s house. I can barely count on two hands how many times I’ve watched the children in their own home.

My mother had agreed to watch the children at Jimmy’s request which usually meant Jimmy would be dropping the children off for me to watch them at my mother house overnight, and have them join us while we attended church the following day. This particular time though my mother did not want to have the kids at her house, my brothers Tyler and Eric this past week had been extremely sick and running high fevers.

Since Collin and Caylie are so young and susceptible to illness and since I’d watched them millions of times before in my places of residence outside of my mother’s house, I agreed to watch the kids at my place. I believed fully that the Goffs would have no problem with who I decided to invite over to “my own” apt and how I would be spending my day off. As a matter of fact, to my understanding the Goff family was out of town in Boston, along with the family nanny Information that I had learned while cleaning an empty house everyday for the week that they were gone (During which time I unpacked and put away the families belongings {belongings that i had no clue where to put}… which they’d left in randomly packed boxes).

Saturday went well, I spent most of it shopping and hanging out running Errands with my mother and the kids. Saturday night the kids slept over after we had tomato soup for dinner, I gave the kids a bath and we watched Ratatouille.

Sunday morning I got the kids dressed for church, fed them cereal for breakfast and got them ready to be picked up by my mother to go to church.

It was while we were standing in the driveway waiting for my mother to pull up that all the drama started Janel…attitude flaring came out of my door and Asked me in a yelling strict tone if I’d been watching kids overnight in “her house”. I said no, I’d been watching kids in my apt. And she says, you aren’t supposed to be allowed to watch children in my house. Then she stormed inside. I continued to wait for my mother in the driveway and  understood the memo that Janel had left as a warning for the future not to watch children at my own place.

Then Brian  stuck his head out the door and told me to come inside because he needed to “talk to me” he was speaking in his official scolding voice like he had when he’d told me that if I complained again I would be fired. I was thinking that maybe he had something to show me that I’d left undone from the previous week. Instead he asked me why I was watching children and i told him who they were and the situation about my mother and the eviction and how Collin and Caylie were my Godchildren and family and how it was my day off and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.

Everything that happened after that was a big blur…I remember Janel coming and joining Brian as they both yelled at me…and I remember janel slapping her hand and palm together threateningly and I remember telling them that I didn’t know they didn’t want me having anyone over EVER. And I remember Janel saying that she didn’t think I was “happy here” and that things just “weren’t working out” and that she thought I was a liar and that she thought that I had been bringing a lot of people over which made it seem like I was having parties. I told them honestly that I didn’t know anything about their policies and that I wasn’t lying and that I was being 100% honest like I try to be all the time.

At one point as I was explaining to Brian why I couldn’t watch the children my my mom’s place she told me that she didn’t want to be “associated with  people like Collin and Caylie’s parents” or “associated with the people I would be bringing around her house” and it made me feel like whoever I would be bringing around would be bringing with them the disease of being unfortunate and less wealthy and that maybe them being around would bring down her family’s good image.

WHAT A BITCH. It was just then that I began crying and telling them that Collin and Caylie were family…if They didn’t want to be associated with ‘those people’ then what was I for being just like them?!

It was my day off and I was not their slave. Brian hearing what his wife was saying tried to correct and take back her words by saying that it was a liability issue…I could understand liability but the words had been said and the REAL Issue was already out to be addressed.

THE WHOLE THING WAS AN ISSUE OF CLASS STATUS.

Rich vs Poor …Face and Self  Worth. I was poor and they were rich and I was paid to serve them.

Brian told me he wanted me out by Wednesday…I told him that I had no where else to go through my tears and I thought that the whole thing was ridiculous because they’d never told me I couldn’t have anyone over.

Since I was hysterical and confused Collin tried to defend me…he kept saying “Brian, Janel…we were just trying to take a nap” and “Janel, why are you being so angry?” and “Corinne, why are you crying like a baby?” I felt terrible because I wanted to run away. I’d never been teamed up on and yelled at by such rude and heartless people.

the children are 2 and 4…what kind of threat do they make?!

I told them that it was all too much for me and that I needed to get to church…Brian said that they’d give me a week and that they’d see where we sat at the end of the next week because he realized that I had dirt against him and his family now that he didn’t want me to share with the world at risk of ruining their perfect image…opps.

I went out to the driveway again still crying and hoping that my mom would show up soon…she was already a half an hour late.

Collin and Caylie were both really upset and crying too because they’d been standing during all the yelling the whole time.

Brian came back outside and told me he didn’t want me waiting for my mother in his driveway and that he wanted me to wait inside for my mother…wait inside and be invisible like all good servants are…I kept thinking to myself. Was I fired? What was going on? Why were they so evil?

I ended up going upstairs to try to call my mom and see where she was it was then that Louie came out to the hallway with the intention to walk his dog Chip. I felt terrible and he asked me what was going on. Louie could barely understand or hear me because he had trouble with his hearing. That was one of the reasons Why I felt so alone during the whole situation…there was no one to be on my side and defend me because Louie was upstairs and couldn’t hear and Collin was just 4 and Caylie was crying and my mom wasn’t around yet.

It was so hard trying to explain the situation through my tears to Louie until finally I hear my mom pull up and told Louie I had to go.

I walked out to the car crying hysterically and my mom saw me and asked already with defenses up what was going on…I tried to tell her and she told me that I should be happy…I felt so hurt and damaged inside because of the way and what Brian and Janel had been saying to me.

Money has Corrupted their hearts to the point where they are not humanly good but simply selfish and rude.

My mom gave me tough love all through church and my crying got so bad that I had to sit out of singing and I had to calm down by watching Collin in the playroom during the service. It was a relief when I finally got to talk to Craig after church and try to explain everything because he made me smile the way he always does. I was kind of in shock and I didn’t want to go back to the house Sunday afternoon. So my mom took me and the kids to the park at Kenwood. It gave me time to think and I was convinced that I needed to get out of that environment as soon as possible…mom took Collin and Caylie from me, instructed me to pack and Jimmy and Sheena Collin and Caylie’s parents came by to help me move everything. They’d finished their unpacking and still had the trailer that they’d been using. I’d tried to explain the situation to them and it only took me telling them that it was my babysitting the kids that started it all that made them hate the Goff’s spirit.

The Goffs are heartless, selfless and arrogant  I have never met anybody like them before and I pray to never encounter or have to work for people Like them ever again.

The Hines helped me move all my things out of the apt and over to my mom’s house. I moved everything into my mom’s house with help of my sister and my mom’s neighbor John. It was 10:30pm when we finished and I looked almost dead from all my exhaustion…I took a shower and joined my mom and CJ as they watched “the state of Play” in the livingroom.

I then went to bed, waking every now and then thinking that I was back in the apartment and that I might have something I still need to get done…work. I thought of all the things I’d left behind and decided to go back to the apartment later today with my mother in tow for support.

I am going to ask for my last week’s check and one weeks severance pay…a total of 200$ I plan to hold my house key hostage until they pay me what they owe me.

And I plan to empty out my fridge.

My mom has set up for me to move into a house with her friend Rhonda and I’m looking for another job. For now I am living at home until Rhonda and I have a meeting to determine my rent. I am happy to have my mother to support me along with many others.

I am truly blessed… At first I thought that my finding a job and a place to live would be my ultimate blessing but now that everything has come crashing down I realize that my moral is that family will always come first and that a little bit of change…can be good.

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?

The reason I wanted to get them something special is because for the last few years my family hasn’t been able to afford Christmas and birthday presents. It seemed that every year I (Eric and Cynthia’s old sister) was the only one ever getting them anything. This past Christmas my mother had informed me that she couldn’t afford to get the kids anything but that instead she bought a lot of family games in hopes that everyone would be happy in playing them together.

I’d been out of the country at the time so I was unable to get them anything…though I did try to give them each a gift when I got back. This birthday for the kids is especially special because we were all recently told that my mother has cancer. My mother’s doctors appointment at the Mayo clinic was actually the same week as my siblings birthdays(the 21st and 22nd of July) . It is hard to think about having fun when your relative isn’t in their best health. Personally I was depressed on my birthday and I didn’t want the same to happen to my siblings.

My friend Heidi Winter a friend that I’ve had since Middle school had just had a hamster that had give birth to about 20 babies. She wanted to get rid of them an advertised that the Hamsters needed a new home on facebook one day. That was around the time that I was thinking about what I’d be getting my siblings…when the time came I ask Heidi if the offer to get the Dwarf Hamsters was still on the table.

Heidi

She said yes and I made arrangements to pick them up. Well, I’d never taken care of a hamster so when the time came for me to get the supplies I was happy to have my friend Alex Jeffrey along to help me out in getting everything. He was so nice that while we were out he even paid for most of it…and let me use his Target discount! He’s a great friend and put up with me well as we drove around looking for supplies. We ended up buying make shift cages, baskets for shelters, hamster water bottles, food, pine litter and a food dish for both the cages.

I knew that I would be getting both male and female hamsters so I knew I had to separate the sexes. When we went to pick the Hamsters up Heidi was shocked because she felt that the cages we had for the hamsters were not sufficient and up to her standards. I personally felt that the cages were great and I was surprised at how small the hamsters were and how much space the hamsters would have.

I was please with everything and I felt that what Heidi was saying about my cage picking was kind of rude. I understand though now…if I was giving something away to someone after taking care of it from birth I think I’d be picky about where it would be staying too.

Heidi insisted that I get the hamsters proper cages and even took one of the hamsters back because she felt bad leaving it with me. “You act like a kid Corinne…” I remember her telling me when I told her to trust me. As a friend having known me for years I was hoping that she would be able to simply do that. Heidi didn’t let Alex and I leave her house until I promised her that I would get proper cages and go shopping with her for hamster supplies.

After leaving Heidi’s house Alex and I drove to his house where we watched Ratatouille one of my new favorite animated films (because I like the way the animators made the actions of the human characters so natural and realistic.) While at Alex’s I was really worried because of Alex’s dog Sarah…totally innocent Sarah with a totally huge doggy heart! I was worried because Sarah kept staring at the hamsters…Sarah is a huge Black lab I think and she was making me feel really weird…the whole movie I found myself having a hard time relaxing and staring at Sarah and calling for over to get her away from the case.

the make shift cage

hamster

I breathed a huge sigh of relief when we were able to leave after the movie was over and take the hamsters to my mom’s house where they would be residing.

They have been here now for a couple of weeks and it was only the other day that I began to feel like they were unsafe in their environment…when the girls started looking for ways to escape the cage. I was sitting on the couch up late at night chatting with Craig at like 4am my time and 10am his…we were doing our usual flirting when I noticed out of the corner of my eye my Cat Emmy walking past.

my smart cat Emmy

now my cat Emmy is a brilliant cat…she is sly and smart and loves to play fetch with a ball…like a dog does. She usually walks around after playing fetch with her bright blue, green and pink balls in her mouth…like she’s showing off her catch. This particular night I was surprised because It wasn’t a bright ball that I saw in her mouth it was a fuzz ball…I remember thinking ‘we don’t have mice’ and then I ran after her to get the hamster out of her mouth. The hamster who I found out was one of the baby girls was only a little shocked and a but injured in the eye after it’s encounter with my cat after having figured out a way to escape our make shift Hamster cage. I put the little baby girl back and I thought to myself…I have GOT to get a new cage soon…this will teach the little hamster not to try to leave again…it will be so traumatized that it will not…I ended up checking on the hamster every hour just to see how it was doing until I saw it was looking fine and back to normal.

This was the last straw…

Over the time I had had the hamsters Heidi had been constantly emailing and writing on my wall on facebook asking me how they were…I’d told the truth that they’d been doing fine. In one of her messages Heidi had told me that she’d gotten me a cage because she had found an extra one and that she wanted to give it to me. I had agreed to take the cage in hopes that Heidi would stop nagging me… After the run in with the cat I felt that It was more important for me to meet up and get the proper cage soon. The other day on Michelle’s birthday (Thursday) I was at the Gay 90s and I ended up meeting up with Heidi…I asked her if she had the cage with her and she informed me that she didn’t…which makes sence…who takes a hamster cage clubbing?

I was a bit disappointed but I was determined that before I left for Scotland I would get my sibling’s Hamsters a proper home.

Just earlier today after my mom had picked me up as we were walking down the walkway she decided to break some tragic news to me… “Emmy my brilliant cat had gotten on the counter where the Hamsters cage was and had managed to knock the hamster cage over and have dinner” she told me…

“How many hamsters did she get?” I asked my mother hoping that even 1 of them survived and thinking that it was a bad idea for me to bring hamsters into a house full of cats. “Omg my gosh Heidi’s going to kill me!” I thought to myself…’I hope none of them died of shock after seeing a giant cat’ I was thinking.

I ran into the bathroom of my mom’s house in total shock passing the empty make shift cages and supplies that i’d taken so much time picking out that one day with Alex. My mom stood at the door and knocked and told me that I should come out…I wanted to cry and I told my mom to leave me alone because I felt overwhelmed that she ‘hadn’t told me’ …”let me explain” my mother began as I opened the door to the bathroom…just then I went off “MOM! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH i PROMISED HEIDI HER HAMSTERS WOULD BE SAFE WITH ME?!” I yelled “I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET HER AND GET THEM A PROPER CAGE H OW MANY OF THEM DIED? MAYBE DID ANY OF THEM LIVE?! MOM I’M SUPPOSED TO GET A CAGE FOR THEM FROM HEIDI ONE THAT LOOKS….JUST LIKE THAT….one.”

Right in front of me there sat 2 brand spanking new and proper cages…and inside I watched as six hamsters scurred around enjoying themselves and having fun…in my rage, sadness, anger and confusion I’d ran right past them and into the bathroom.

“That’s not a good joke mom…why did you have to play that?” I ask my mother as she and my brother laughed at my realization.

“It is….When you get upset you are totally blind to the world around you…did you even see them at all as you ran to the bathroom? You ran right past them.”

“No,” I said “I was too busy thinking about what Heidi would do to me if her hamsters died in my care”

“Do you really think i’d let something like that happen in my own house?” my mother asked

“No.” I said “But what motivated you to get a new cage”

“Well,” my mom said ” I came home from work on Thursday and I heard squealing coming from the girl’s cage and a noticed the biggest one trying to get out, She was stuck and I thought that it was only a matter of time before all the hamsters figure their way out of that thing. So I bought a proper cage…You owe me 50 bucks by the way”

“Thanks mom” was all I could say….

So that was my Hamster Surprise and just to set the record straight…as of today I still have all six hamsters I was given that day a few weeks ago. :D

They’d been fine all along and they had enjoyed they were enjoying their new cage.

So I just overheard my mother telling my little brother that she is writing out her will. I was kind of shocked at first because that would mean that my mother is contemplating what will happen to her and her estate after she leaves us and dies.

Recently with my mother be diagnosed with Cancer I’ve been trying to avoid the situation by acting like there is nothing wrong except that my mother has patches of her skin missing now because of tests and such…and because my mom is constantly in pain and can only handle little touching…hugging her is even hard now. I’ve been avoiding it because I want to be able to focus on the life that is and to not think of the life that may not be.

Gosh, with this will thing I think it just hit me that my mother has cancer and that I might lose her like Craig lost his mother.

I had a big discussion with Craig the other day in which he told me about how his mother did have a will but how he hasn’t seen it and how he half expected there to be some sort of letter waiting from his mother to give him closure after his mother’s passing. When there was nothing there Craig was disappointed and upset.

Right now my mother is writing her Will and in her will she will probably include a letter to each of us children to comfort and prepare us for life to come…to provide closure, she will also be establishing her estate.

I wonder what kind of position she puts me into in the family in her will for after she leaves. I wonder if she puts me in charge of the kids or gives me the animals. I know she doesn’t have a lot of money to leave behind. I wonder if she thinks well of me and I wonder what she’d say to me if she knew that she would never see me again and that I’d be devastated to see her go.

Gosh…I wonder what she is writing down…I hope I don’t have to read it for MANY MANY YEARS.

When I get my next paycheck it will be toward a positive account…and I will be able to raise money soon too. Hurray!

My account will be unfrozen then I will proceed to pay:

-Craig(and his dad),  -My  mom, – Hamline University, and anyone else I owe. I’m not superstitious but I know that this is a good thing is a line of good things i know that are coming my way. I’ve been working my butt off too hard not to get them.