Corinne's Blog

So it’s Thanksgiving again and I’m thinking this year has turned around a lot from where I was last year at this time.

Last year around this time I’d just been broken up with my my ex boyfriend Craig, This year I am happy to say that I’ve been blessed with a handsome, caring and intelligent new boyfriend, David. Though David is unable to join my family and I this Thanksgiving because he’s busy doing work for law school I was blessed to be able to see him on Tuesday and he might grace me with his presence Friday also. I’m grateful to have a boyfriend who I can physically see and touch and interact with it’s a total turn around from having a long distance boyfriend who I could only interact with online. It’s nice to have someone I can actually reach out and touch who can touch me back when I want and need it. It’s great to have someone to hug and hold hands with, I’m Thankful this Thanksgiving Holiday for that ability.

My new handsome boyfriend David

I am also Thankful for my job. Though I have a sometime messy and frustrating job I’m thankful that I’m doing something at which I’m good. I’m really great with working with children and the fact that I am surrounded by children and I can play and do fun art projects with them really makes my life more exciting. Even though many of my coworkers are cliquey and even though every little thing I does seems to warrant a meeting with the boss and a threat of losing my job I’m thankful for being able to destress and take my job one day at a time.

I’m Thankful to have a roof over my head and good housemates who take the time to acknowledge my presence. Matthew one of my housemates who is a little older than me and at a higher level in school as I am at MCTC even tutored me through a Chemistry assignment the other night. And when he was making pizza he shared it with me. I am thankful for good friendly conversation that I get to have with my housemates (all except Alton who doesn’t talk to me) in passing.

The day our front tree lost all it's leaves.

Though I absolutely hate my commute, especially now that I’ve had my wallet stolen off a bus I’m thankful that I have a way to get to and from work and I pray that by this time next year I’ll have a brand new car to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for the ability to be able to go to school and get a decent education. My being in school this semester has really shown me that with the right work effort and established work habits that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I’m praying that with God’s grace I’ll actually pass the Chemistry exam that is coming up in a few weeks.

Nutrition Flashcards

I’m Thankful for family, My mother has been there for me when I’ve needed her this past year. I appreciate that bonding I’ve been able to do with my brother Eric while being on the worship team. And though she’s a pest sometimes I’m grateful and Thankful for my little sister for looking up to me and missing me, it makes me feel special. I hope next year I’ll have more to write about Tiffany, Evan, Tyler and my father Ronnie.

I am thankful for being alive under the grace of God and I hope I continue to live to make a positive difference in the world.

I’m Thankful for the friends I’ve had this last year, though I’m not able to see them as much as I’d like to I’m thankful that I have people in my life who check up on me and text me wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and who tell me they care about me. Adam M, Heidi W, Alex J, Mikey B, Ian M, Byron T, James, Cori, Alisa, Julie K, Peter P, Lucy, Tymisha and Dean, and all those people who I forget to mention. I’m Thankful for the people I get to interact with on a regular basis and I wish them all a great and happy Thanksgiving.

I’m Thankful for good food and decent weather, though I get tired of the snow of Winter about one third of the way through it because I must stand outside for Minneapolis Kids recess I’m Thankful for the changes in weather and that I have eyes to see the beauty in the weather. I love that fact that I wake early and I’m able to see the sunrise and that I get to go home and see the sun setting. I’m thankful for being able to enjoy all parts of my day and that I have well working sensory organs.

I’m Thankful for my church, and the people who support and counsel me even when I don’t feel like getting counselling. I’m Thankful that God created those people and brought them together for his purposes. I’m also thankful for the world church as a body working together to being the truth to all nations.

I’m thankful for our nation’s history and the leaders that are currently trying to lead our government even through all the grief and fault that take for the nations problems.

I’m thankful for those who are brave enough to stand up and fight for what they believe in, whether it be the Occupy movement or the oppressed peoples of other countries. I appreciate and am thankful for having a voice that can be heard even if I am small and even if I think I’m insignificant.

I’m Thankful for my past relationships that are no longer for making me the way I am.

I’m thankful for the ability to laugh and smile and feel pain, and cry and live a human life with all it’s roller coaster ups and downs.

I’m thankful for where God placed me in the world and where he’s put me in life, I really have goals set and I’m thankful that I’m taking the steps to accomplish the way of life I’m striving for.

I have a lot more that I’m thankful for, but I’m going to go make some cranberry mold and baked pumpkin with my little sister Cynthia.

I wish everyone a pleasant Thanksgiving.

Tonight Instead of making my way back home to my house in South Minneapolis after my work at Euphoric Ambiance I made a detour downtown and to North Minneapolis to my mother’s house.

I’d had the intentions of coming around to these parts ever since my mom told me that my cat Snow was dying and that she had intentions of putting her to sleep.

I’m highly against putting animals to sleep especially when I can come home to my mom’s house and see my cat in the exact same health condition as she has been for months now.

The only difference between this cat and my normal cat is that she can’t control her bladder, that’s the beginning of the end they say.

Last Tuesday I completely lost it when my mother told me that she had intentions of taking my Cat in last Wednesday. I cried and cried and I refused to get out of my mother’s car and go home until she promised that she’d give snow one more day.

It frightens me that the vets will be taking my cat and making her die alone with gas or a shot that will slowly make all her vital organs just stop.

I love my cat dearly and I can’t handle not having her around after she’d been in my life my whole life.

I thought my mom was possibly lying to me but boy was I surprised to discover that my cat was still alive Wednesday afternoon after i got out of my class and I was headed to work at my second job. I wasn’t able to get out and to my mom’s house to see my cat until nearly nine at night when there would be no chance of me getting back home after the fact to change and get ready for Thursday day at work and school.

Thursday wasn’t any better and everyday until now Sunday…and my cat is still alive because I asked that I be able to see her before she is put to sleep so I can say goodbye in anyway I can.

Coming tonight though I am unable to see anything wrong with her which just frustrates me because she seems like she always is, a tired old cat just laying around and being cute, she’s walking around, eating and meowing for attention as she always has. She even spent some time following me around when I first arrived at my mother’s house.

She’s laying right next to me sleep right now so I’m sitting here thinking…to put her to sleep would be to kill a innocent, yet a little sickly  animal.
I go to my mother and ask her why she wants to put Snow down now that she’s showing such little signs of being sickly enough to die.

My mom says that she can’t deal with any stress right now, and I ask her what stress there would be in snow’s being the same as she usually is and my mom makes me sit down in front of her and she informs me that she thinks she’s relapsing.

My mom has had cancer for about two years now and she’d had Multiple Sclerosis for twenty two, she was diagnosed with it when she was pregnant with me.

“I’m relapsing Corinne and as hard as it is for me to deal with Snow right now I can’t take this stress while I’m relapsing.”

“Into Cancer?” I asked knowing my mom had cancer.

“I’ll always have Cancer” my mom said “it’s not going anywhere anytime soon” she says

“Than it’s the MS?” I ask

And she nods.

My mom has relapsed into MS twice in my life, the first time I was in Kindergarten and i found my mom laying on the ground in the hallway and she couldn’t get up, I remember I thought she was dying the second time I was about sixteen and i remember having to change her iv for the steroids they put her on to make her stronger. When she lapsed from stage one to stage two she was forced into taking shots daily.

This time my mom tells me she is having trouble with her walking, I noticed it today this morning when she didn’t walk straight up the stairs and she used the handle railing at church to assist her.

So I think this is the more than just a relapse, people with MS have lost their abilities to walk and have ended up in wheelchairs.

So this just became  an issue of if I want to cause my mom more stress and kill her or if I want to let my childhood cat be put to sleep.

I am having a hard time letting go of my childhood cat because I don’t believe in killing and innocent creature and that it is God’s place to do so but this whole business with my mother and the way she’s sprung it on me has me thinking that I have no other choice.

It’s my mother or my cat.

It’s still a bit chilly and that last of the sad snow piles are melting away but to me Spring is official here…the kids at work are already asking if they can run around in their t-shirts without jackets and I’m tempted to actually let them.

This will be my first Spring in my new house and I’m hoping it won’t be my last. With my losing my job in a few months I’m worried about the fact that I’m going to have a rocky summer financially. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going do to cover my expenses over the summer and I’ve come up with four possible options.

the first being to find another job,
This is easier said than done and I really don’t want to find a job that will make it hard for me to return to my Minneapolis Kids job come next Fall when the school year begins again. I’m really hoping the mpls kids staff don’t forget about me over the Summer when the next school year begins.

My Second option would be to file for unemployment over the summer and to hope that it will cover the costs of my lost job over the summer. This is tricky because it isn’t guaranteed but it would make it a lot easier for me to return to school and not have any conflicts of school and my work schedule. I’d be able to take summer classes at MCTC but my debts would still stand as they already were. This is a risk I’d be willing to take in order to get myself back into school. I might find some odd jobs like babysitting which I already find myself doing to pay off my everyday expenses.

My third option would be to apply for a job with one of my house mates, Scott. The job would require me to travel to a fishing village in Alaska to work in a fishing factory for about 6 weeks. that’s a month and a half and after those 6 weeks I’d be given roughly 3grand (3,000$) minus my travel expenses. This would be a great way for me to make a large amount of money without trouble and it would make it easier for me to pay off my debts and get into school in the fall. Sadly though I wouldn’t be able to take the classes I’d planned on taking over the Summer and I’d be that much more behind in starting my Nursing program. I’d become a bit of a zombie after having worked 16 hours days and after that I’m considering finding a summer job for the rest of the summer in order to let a bit of money simply sit in the bank or in order to be able to prepay a few months of rent off.

My fourth option and that option I’m trying to avoid the most would be to ask my mother to help me in these next upcoming months. That would mean asking her to cover my rent of about 375$ for about three months…that would be over 1000$ and I know already that she doesn’t have it. She has a hard time even giving me 200$ dollars to help me cover half of my current outstanding MCTC bill. This would be a total stretch because I’d be asking her also to help me with money for food and while I was going to school for help with my school bills. This would help me focus on school because I wouldn’t have to work but I know It would make it difficult on my mother to pay her own bills and take care of herself and my siblings. This would be the last thing I’d try.

Even though I have such big decisions to make I have the ability to look at my life in comparison of other people’s and be grateful because my life could be SO much worse! I’m truly blessed to be surrounded and supported by a wonderful group of family and friends who love me. Even greater than all that God is on my side and watching over me at all times. They say a person should be nice to all because you never know when you are in the presence of  Angels…but I feel that Angels fill my life with joy at all times.

Till I have to get down to the wire in making my decisions I’ll count my blessings and enjoy the upcoming Spring. The nice weather and new fresh sun and the blue skies and green grass are beginning of lift my spirits already tremendously.

This has been ever weighing on my mind.

My mother is a strong and very wise woman….she’s been my primary support through my whole life.

When asked yesterday where my father was and what he was doing I had to answer that my father worked ‘around’ and that I wasn’t really sure where or what he did. I said that I used to live with my mother and after my parents separated that my mother was my primary care giver and provider until I moved out of her house.

But then the person asked if my father still helped to support me in anyway way and thinking about it truly hurt me.
No…he didn’t. The last thing he did for me was to take me to work when I didn’t have any bus fare…that was the first time I’d really asked him for a favor since I’d been planning to move to Scotland and I’d need help with money and he’d given me 100 dollars.

I remember when he’d been in the car with me he’d talked to be about how he was working on replacing a part of a toilet…I must need help because I feel that he owes my mother something and that the money he made there should have gone to her.

She’s the one whose raised his children and supported them for all these years…Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that he’s making money that is only going to supporting himself when he has six children. He only interacts really now with my little sister Cynthia because it seems that my brother Eric has cut him off…and he talks to my brother Evan who has cut my mother and I off.

My father has a college degree and he chooses to not get a job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. My father lives in a house that he doesn’t have to pay for on the meager wages he gets from doing freelance handyman work around the twin cities. My father has tried to establish a relationship with me multiple times but I’m finding it extremely hard to want to support him and be around him when he should have gotten a good job to help my mother raise me and my siblings. Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that my mother can barely afford cancer treatments because my father isn’t paying the 12,000 dollars in child support that he needs to. If my father were to pay for the child support my mother would be able to use the money that she is using for my sister’s school tuition to pay for her cancer treatments. My father doesn’t care for my mother at all and if my mother dies of cancer I will blame him.

I looked up deadbeat dad on google to find out what my father really was…I’d heard before that men who didn’t pay their child support were deadbeat…

But I needed to know for myself.

Noun

S: (n) deadbeat dad (a father who willfully defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring)

That is what my father has done to my family for many years.

He says he wants to make things right with me and my siblings but I want this to be the first step.

Is he ill and incapable of finding a job?

My mother is ill with two diseases and she still gets up everyday and works her butt off for her children.

What is up with him other than that he is getting older?

So what he’s getting grays…so what his eye sight is bad…why is he subjecting himself to poverty to not have to pay child support.

Sure he’s going through a depression…yet he refuses to seek help.

He’s constantly talking about how he is going to die soon…we don’t know if that means he’s going to kill himself or what.

All I know is that there was a time that he had many dreams. He would get up everyday and I’d admire the way he looked in his suit and tie when he went off the work. I truly believed that he could do anything he set his mind to because he was an intelligent well educated articulate black man. There was nothing that he couldn’t do when he set his mind to it.

Deep down in me I want to believe that he is still that man and that he can start anew…even at his age. I want to believe that my father hasn’t given up on life and taking care of his children.

Paying child support would be all it took for me to respect him again but I haven’t seen it and all I see is my mother struggling in all this by herself. And it is wearing on her and I know that it is wearing on her and actually killing her.

My mother is dying and my father is deciding to sit back and do nothing but watch.

My father is a deadbeat dad, but I believe that if he tried he could get a job and start anew and be so much more.

-I want a house that smells like a home.
-I want a family that sits down at one table together for dinner every night.
-I want a family home that glows at night from the inside out.
-I want to ban cellphones and electronic devices from my breakfast, lunch and dinner table.
-I want to have a family room where both video and board games can be found.
-I want a family that is honest with each other.
-I want both the adults and the parents to be responsible for cleaning.
-I want everyone to have their own things…computers, spaces, and belongings so they don’t have to wait or fight over what belongs to who.
-I want to have a family date night…one night a week for family no exceptions.
-I want my family to be able to give my children an allowance.
-I want to develop a college fund for my children.

Recently as I have been traveling with my mother I’ve found that she has been going through a new music phase in her relationship recovery. After my father my mother discovered healing music that helped her self confidence and got her through the day. Right now the artist that heals my mother has been India Arie. Often as I sit with my mother in the car she identifies songs that remind her of me and in some cases my personal life and my relationship.

The India Arie songs that she identified as being for me and for my relationships were really accurate this time and I was surprised…I listed to one of the songs that she said was me and Craig and it brought me to tears.

So here I share “He Heals Me” By India Arie and dedicate it to Craig McCreath: My Love and Best Friend Forever.

He heals me
Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I’m wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I’m not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he’ll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together
However things turn out, it’s all right
Cause he’s already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me