He Heals Me…India Arie

Recently as I have been traveling with my mother I’ve found that she has been going through a new music phase in her relationship recovery. After my father my mother discovered healing music that helped her self confidence and got her through the day. Right now the artist that heals my mother has been India Arie. Often as I sit with my mother in the car she identifies songs that remind her of me and in some cases my personal life and my relationship.

The India Arie songs that she identified as being for me and for my relationships were really accurate this time and I was surprised…I listed to one of the songs that she said was me and Craig and it brought me to tears.

So here I share “He Heals Me” By India Arie and dedicate it to Craig McCreath: My Love and Best Friend Forever.

He heals me
Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I’m wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I’m not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he’ll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together
However things turn out, it’s all right
Cause he’s already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

True Blessings

For the last 3 weeks I’ve been working my butt off for a family in the Kenwood Neighborhood who are filthy rich. The problem is that their money has seemed to corrupt the way they look at people and value people. They paid me next to nothing and expected me to do everything to perfection with no encouragement, incentive and constantly having them behind my back repeatedly telling me how to do things that I already knew how to do.

I wasn’t allowed to complain about the work I had to do because the first time I’d said anything about the work I’d been “told on” by the nanny.

Funny enough though, every time I usually shared with the nanny it was her who was asking me something.
After that I was told that I wasn’t allowed to socialize or talk to anyone during the hours that I was work…which was 8 hours a day 5 days a week…40 hours a week of not talking to anyone could drive a person crazy.

I was told that if I was caught complaining that I’d be fired.

Well I was supposed to be put in charge of the meals. I was happy about this part of my job because cooking is something I enjoy doing that I do very well. Yet, when I was constantly shadowed by the lady of the house Janel Goff (which is quite annoying, stressful, and hard to deal with) I asked her politely if since cooking was in my job description and because they’d given me that responsibility, I asked that she let me be in charge of making the food and I asked that she give me control in the kitchen when it was my time to cook, instead of her thinking that I am not doing things right instead of doing them her way.

Asking her this must have made her feel that I was trying to overrule her command because the next day Brian came to me and told me that he and Janel didn’t want me making meals anymore, and they had discussed it before they went to bed. They had decided to punish me by taking away the one thing that I enjoyed during the day.

When I worked on Labor Day while the rest of America’s working population was off, I asked for time and a half which was fitting. But, my employer Brian Goff told me that I couldn’t get it because the day I moved into my small 2 bedroom apt and still worked a half a day in the house, I’d been paid for a full day.

When I told Brian that I might want to take up an afternoon job because what he was paying me was so low, he told me…okay sure since you aren’t doing dinner now you can work till 5:30pm and start you babysitting in the afternoons. I didn’t know that the hour that he’d decided to let me off early for would cost be my 2nd daily break time.

I got off an hour earlier because I sacrificed my own free time…like when a teacher takes away minutes at recess.

I heard that Brian was the kind of man to play tricks like that, not paying people, overworking people, creating contracts that practically enslaved people.

The main reason I was settling at the Goff’s place for only 100$ a week…not including food costs was because I needed a place to stay and I was technically working off my living expenses by working for the family.

I was given my own place to live while I worked for the family, this place was supposed to be treated like an apartment away from the main house. “My own place” I was given a house mate who was also working for the Goff family, their gardener Louie.

The problems that I encountered with this living situation was that Brian felt that even during my break time he could come onto my side of the house and give me orders for what I should be doing later. When I felt that my break time was the only time I could escape from my servitude and relax…that became extremely stressful. Not only that but when I was on break, because the Goff’s didn’t care about anyone but their own selves they had neglected to fix anything in our part of the house…we didn’t have internet, cable, a separate phone line, and for about a week and a half our main plumbing in our kitchen didn’t work and our sinks were clogged. I spent most of my nights going to the local coffee shop with my housemate to go get internet.

One thing that I was extremely grateful of were my weekend off. This was a time that I spent living the life I would be living if I hadn’t been working all the time. I bathed weekends, went and read, went home to visit my mother, attended church and was about to refresh and reset myself and my spirits for the following week. The weekends became a time that the Goff would leave me alone and I would leave them alone. Even though more than once I was called and ‘ordered’ to do something on a Saturday morning.

I am  surprised that it was the acts of this past weekend that got me fired and evicted from the Goff household.

My friend Jimmy was being evicted from his home. I am Jimmy’s primary babysitter of his two small children Collin who is age 4 and Caylie who just turned 2 on Sept 11th. I’ve watched over Collin and Caylie so much since before Collin was even walking that I feel like I have a major hand in how they’ve been raised. They aren’t people i babysit for and get paid for. I watch Collin and Caylie for free because I consider them to be family and like my own children.

Every time I watch the Hines children they have stayed at my place of residence, my mom’s house, my dorm, my friend’s house. I can barely count on two hands how many times I’ve watched the children in their own home.

My mother had agreed to watch the children at Jimmy’s request which usually meant Jimmy would be dropping the children off for me to watch them at my mother house overnight, and have them join us while we attended church the following day. This particular time though my mother did not want to have the kids at her house, my brothers Tyler and Eric this past week had been extremely sick and running high fevers.

Since Collin and Caylie are so young and susceptible to illness and since I’d watched them millions of times before in my places of residence outside of my mother’s house, I agreed to watch the kids at my place. I believed fully that the Goffs would have no problem with who I decided to invite over to “my own” apt and how I would be spending my day off. As a matter of fact, to my understanding the Goff family was out of town in Boston, along with the family nanny Information that I had learned while cleaning an empty house everyday for the week that they were gone (During which time I unpacked and put away the families belongings {belongings that i had no clue where to put}… which they’d left in randomly packed boxes).

Saturday went well, I spent most of it shopping and hanging out running Errands with my mother and the kids. Saturday night the kids slept over after we had tomato soup for dinner, I gave the kids a bath and we watched Ratatouille.

Sunday morning I got the kids dressed for church, fed them cereal for breakfast and got them ready to be picked up by my mother to go to church.

It was while we were standing in the driveway waiting for my mother to pull up that all the drama started Janel…attitude flaring came out of my door and Asked me in a yelling strict tone if I’d been watching kids overnight in “her house”. I said no, I’d been watching kids in my apt. And she says, you aren’t supposed to be allowed to watch children in my house. Then she stormed inside. I continued to wait for my mother in the driveway and  understood the memo that Janel had left as a warning for the future not to watch children at my own place.

Then Brian  stuck his head out the door and told me to come inside because he needed to “talk to me” he was speaking in his official scolding voice like he had when he’d told me that if I complained again I would be fired. I was thinking that maybe he had something to show me that I’d left undone from the previous week. Instead he asked me why I was watching children and i told him who they were and the situation about my mother and the eviction and how Collin and Caylie were my Godchildren and family and how it was my day off and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.

Everything that happened after that was a big blur…I remember Janel coming and joining Brian as they both yelled at me…and I remember janel slapping her hand and palm together threateningly and I remember telling them that I didn’t know they didn’t want me having anyone over EVER. And I remember Janel saying that she didn’t think I was “happy here” and that things just “weren’t working out” and that she thought I was a liar and that she thought that I had been bringing a lot of people over which made it seem like I was having parties. I told them honestly that I didn’t know anything about their policies and that I wasn’t lying and that I was being 100% honest like I try to be all the time.

At one point as I was explaining to Brian why I couldn’t watch the children my my mom’s place she told me that she didn’t want to be “associated with  people like Collin and Caylie’s parents” or “associated with the people I would be bringing around her house” and it made me feel like whoever I would be bringing around would be bringing with them the disease of being unfortunate and less wealthy and that maybe them being around would bring down her family’s good image.

WHAT A BITCH. It was just then that I began crying and telling them that Collin and Caylie were family…if They didn’t want to be associated with ‘those people’ then what was I for being just like them?!

It was my day off and I was not their slave. Brian hearing what his wife was saying tried to correct and take back her words by saying that it was a liability issue…I could understand liability but the words had been said and the REAL Issue was already out to be addressed.

THE WHOLE THING WAS AN ISSUE OF CLASS STATUS.

Rich vs Poor …Face and Self  Worth. I was poor and they were rich and I was paid to serve them.

Brian told me he wanted me out by Wednesday…I told him that I had no where else to go through my tears and I thought that the whole thing was ridiculous because they’d never told me I couldn’t have anyone over.

Since I was hysterical and confused Collin tried to defend me…he kept saying “Brian, Janel…we were just trying to take a nap” and “Janel, why are you being so angry?” and “Corinne, why are you crying like a baby?” I felt terrible because I wanted to run away. I’d never been teamed up on and yelled at by such rude and heartless people.

the children are 2 and 4…what kind of threat do they make?!

I told them that it was all too much for me and that I needed to get to church…Brian said that they’d give me a week and that they’d see where we sat at the end of the next week because he realized that I had dirt against him and his family now that he didn’t want me to share with the world at risk of ruining their perfect image…opps.

I went out to the driveway again still crying and hoping that my mom would show up soon…she was already a half an hour late.

Collin and Caylie were both really upset and crying too because they’d been standing during all the yelling the whole time.

Brian came back outside and told me he didn’t want me waiting for my mother in his driveway and that he wanted me to wait inside for my mother…wait inside and be invisible like all good servants are…I kept thinking to myself. Was I fired? What was going on? Why were they so evil?

I ended up going upstairs to try to call my mom and see where she was it was then that Louie came out to the hallway with the intention to walk his dog Chip. I felt terrible and he asked me what was going on. Louie could barely understand or hear me because he had trouble with his hearing. That was one of the reasons Why I felt so alone during the whole situation…there was no one to be on my side and defend me because Louie was upstairs and couldn’t hear and Collin was just 4 and Caylie was crying and my mom wasn’t around yet.

It was so hard trying to explain the situation through my tears to Louie until finally I hear my mom pull up and told Louie I had to go.

I walked out to the car crying hysterically and my mom saw me and asked already with defenses up what was going on…I tried to tell her and she told me that I should be happy…I felt so hurt and damaged inside because of the way and what Brian and Janel had been saying to me.

Money has Corrupted their hearts to the point where they are not humanly good but simply selfish and rude.

My mom gave me tough love all through church and my crying got so bad that I had to sit out of singing and I had to calm down by watching Collin in the playroom during the service. It was a relief when I finally got to talk to Craig after church and try to explain everything because he made me smile the way he always does. I was kind of in shock and I didn’t want to go back to the house Sunday afternoon. So my mom took me and the kids to the park at Kenwood. It gave me time to think and I was convinced that I needed to get out of that environment as soon as possible…mom took Collin and Caylie from me, instructed me to pack and Jimmy and Sheena Collin and Caylie’s parents came by to help me move everything. They’d finished their unpacking and still had the trailer that they’d been using. I’d tried to explain the situation to them and it only took me telling them that it was my babysitting the kids that started it all that made them hate the Goff’s spirit.

The Goffs are heartless, selfless and arrogant  I have never met anybody like them before and I pray to never encounter or have to work for people Like them ever again.

The Hines helped me move all my things out of the apt and over to my mom’s house. I moved everything into my mom’s house with help of my sister and my mom’s neighbor John. It was 10:30pm when we finished and I looked almost dead from all my exhaustion…I took a shower and joined my mom and CJ as they watched “the state of Play” in the livingroom.

I then went to bed, waking every now and then thinking that I was back in the apartment and that I might have something I still need to get done…work. I thought of all the things I’d left behind and decided to go back to the apartment later today with my mother in tow for support.

I am going to ask for my last week’s check and one weeks severance pay…a total of 200$ I plan to hold my house key hostage until they pay me what they owe me.

And I plan to empty out my fridge.

My mom has set up for me to move into a house with her friend Rhonda and I’m looking for another job. For now I am living at home until Rhonda and I have a meeting to determine my rent. I am happy to have my mother to support me along with many others.

I am truly blessed… At first I thought that my finding a job and a place to live would be my ultimate blessing but now that everything has come crashing down I realize that my moral is that family will always come first and that a little bit of change…can be good.

“He’s just not that into you…”

Warning:

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?