Work is so hard currently with this ear infection…I feel like I have tunnel hearing or that I’m in a box.

It’s kind of hard to maintain control of a classroom with only one way to hear…I am so much more visualant with all my hearing. I hope this infection goes away.

Colleen my boss asked that i touch base with her after I get off break and they take attendance, I’m a bit nervous because whenever they want me to talk to them it’s usually bad news like I’ve done something wrongly.

I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong recently and i hope everything goes alright and smoothly.

I’m praying that they find no reason to fire me.

this is the start of the fifth week of summer and I’m nervous about the fall already I’m signed up for so many classes…how will I pay my rent if I don’t have a job this summer?

Yikes I pray everything works out for the better and Colleen is just touching base with me in a good way.

I was listening to The Band Perry’s song “If I Die Young” and I decided to watch the music video when I’ve found I really like for some reason.

It’s based loosely on Tennyson’s Lady of Shalott Poem it makes perfect sense when you see the book and the poem drying out in the end on that poem’s page…so I decided to look it up and read it.

It’s a beautiful and sad poem and after reading it I wondered if there were any versions of it that we in audio so I could add it to my playlist on itunes or WMP and I discovered a very nice song that uses bits from the poem to tell the beautiful story. At first I was weary of it for the woman spoke in an accent and accents of any kind still really get to me but I really enjoyed it and decided it would be nice to share because I haven’t for awhile.

And here’s the poem itself:

The Lady of Shalott

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro’ the field the road runs by
To many-tower’d Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil’d,
Slide the heavy barges trail’d
By slow horses; and unhail’d
The shallop flitteth silken-sail’d
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower’d Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, ” ‘Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair’d page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower’d Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro’ the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel’d
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter’d free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon’d baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell’d shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn’d like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro’ the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;
On burnish’d hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow’d
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lirra,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look’d down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower’d Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river’s dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance –
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right –
The leaves upon her falling light –
Thro’ the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn’d to tower’d Camelot.
For ere she reach’d upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”

For awhile in my church I had a hard time finding my feet. I was too old for youth group and too young to really understand and fully fit into the Life Groups. On top of all that I wasn’t married with a child and the youth group was disband.

I’ve been participating in the praise and worship team and even though my throat has been hurting me and I’m becoming a little worn down from being ill I always know I can find a place in church behind the music.

Surprisingly though I was invited to take up a position that would give me a lot more responsibly. Julie Kurtz one of my sisters in Christ at my church told me that It would be a good transition for me as more of a leader in the church. It’s about time I stepped up and took on more at the church. I already volunteer when I can, at the church picnic this year I’ll once again be working with the kids, during the Aldrich Arts Collaborative stuff I’ve tried to get involved but that’s way different than this.

Last year my church received a grant based on our efforts to become a more reconciled and multicultural, multiracial body in Christ.

The Calvin Grant has helped us explore new mediums of worship and learn a lot about ourselves.

We were invited last year to a convention for those seeking to win the grant and after winning it we are invited back this year to talk about our experiences with the programs we did with the grant money.

I was asked to be one of the representatives from my church to travel to Michigan and attend the convention.

This is a big deal because I need to prepare my heart and my mind to know our vision and the information on the grant and how our messages of reconciliation are spawned from our wanting to be more like God and his image to the world.

At first I didn’t fully understand the commitment I was making, in my mind this was just a vacation…but then I read the grant and I met with Julie and she asked me questions that really opened up my mind about how I look at my congregation and how I personally think things are working in our church. I need to look at the whole situation from a biblical perspective which I’ve always had a problem with. It’s not as if I don’t read my bible, it’s just the fact that I’m not really good at quoting scripture out of memory to support my arguments.

To prepare myself after reading the original grant proposal I’ve been looking through the notes that were taken after we did each special voices Sunday. I’ve been reading the book United By Faith which Is a little more challenging a read than I’m used to…but is a book which I would say is a must read for anyone of the Christian faith.

On top of that I’ve been trying to read my bible and understand personally what I feel is God’s message for the future of the Twenty first Century church.

It’s been really hard and I actually and learning a lot about myself in this journey and a lot about God and Jesus’s life on Earth and what I say that I believe in as a Christian.

And the more I learn the more motivated and excited I am that I have chosen such a clear straight and narrow path in following Christ.

I feel like an adult and much less of a kid because many of my questions I’m finding answers to on my own in my reading and research.

I am beginning to feel myself developing a solid foundation in what I believe and what I don’t believe.

Yesterday in Church Jermaine Ross preached about how he learned how to hear God’s voice speaking to him though he was always being told different things from different sides and people about who God really is.

I feel that I am learning how to hear God’s voice clearer. Though I know I still have a long ways to go.

So I can split my social life up into four categories, 1) For me, 2) with her, 3) with them and 4) with him. (Five if you consider how I look at my relationships in view as a Christian and for God.)

Recently I’ve had a lot of fun outside of work hanging out with Adam Maarschalk from church.
My time with Adam can fit into two of my social categories. The first one being number one “for me”, and the second one being “with him”. Adam and I started hanging out mainly after Heidi became a flake on me when it came to working out at the LA fitness. Adam became my new workout buddy and he committed to working out with me on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10am till 11:30ish. It’s a win win situation for both of us because his being there has made me feel more comfortable in going to the gym because he is a great person to talk to and I really enjoy his company. Adam makes going to the gym more of a social fun gathering than a chore. Since I began working out with Adam I’ve lost a quick fifteen pounds and I’ve gain a lot more confidence in myself. I’m working for the improvement of my social “me”. After we workout sometimes I go to a coffee shop and work on my novel which is coming along nicely, or Adam and I go out to eat (we’ve been trying a lot of different worldly cuisine), sometimes we just end up at Adam’s apartment which is usually calm and quiet in the afternoons and a great place for me to work on my novel or just plain and simply sleep. Adam’s apartment is closer to my work so it’s more convenient for me to go back to work from there and home after work than for me to travel all the way back home just to turn around and travel the whole distance on the bus to head back to work. Because of my feeling for Adam and the way he teaches me about God and God’s messages I feel that my social time with him also fits in the “with him” category twice. My time with Adam is “with him” and my time talking about God and meditating on what is being said and learned is also my time to be with God, so in a strange sense with my father in heaven who is also a “with him”.

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My social life has also become my time with Heidi, even though we haven’t been working out and hangout out together as much as we were a few months ago I still am able to invite Heidi over and talk to her over the phone. A week ago we were able to get together and hangout at the Lyndale and Lake Street festival where we listened to some great bands and socialized.

Heidi is a good friend because she understand me when I’m desperate for attention from men. And she is a great inspiration for me as I write about my characters in my novel. I find inspiration from her and her friendship because she gives me confidence that I am worth something more than I value myself being alone. She also gives me a major friend high.

Through my interactions with Heidi I’ve been able to meet and reconnect with a lot of people from my past. So my interactions socially “with her” have become interactions with other and “with them.”

For example after last Sunday’s Lyn-Lake festival I joined Heidi and some old friends from the pasted that we bumped into at Heidi’s house for a bonfire. Before that we had gone shopping for ingredients to make fun over the fire pit kabobs that ended up tasting out of this world good. It was nice to be able to socialize with people my own age late into the night, drinking responsibly and laughing and making memories.

Also at the Lyn-Lake festival because I ended up staying to wait for Heidi to show up I was able to bump into some of my coworkers out of our co-working element. Because of my being sighted at such a cool and hip event now I’ve earned some street cred’ with my coworkers and they’ve been treating me as more of the team and less of the geeky outsider.

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I need someone who can accept my geek and my outsider. I’ve been on an up and down journey to not look toward the past in my personal relationships with men and to try to fly full speed ahead to the future.

I’ve gone on a couple of dates and went to see the movie Thor with a cute boy.

I’ve taken the time to make myself available to men and I’ve been hit on …I’ve been asked for my number and given the numbers of others.

I’ve given myself for time for times “with him” and I try to get Craig and my relationship with him out of my head. He’s moved on I should also.

So far my looking for other men has been good at times and bad at times…for example, my timing with some of the men in my life has been really bad. My friend Vince and my friend Jeremy both told me they had feelings for me, I didn’t act on their offers to be more than friends with them because I felt that I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken again and both men ended up finding other woman. They both still claim to love me but I’ve missed my chases with both of them.

There was a date I was supposed to be on today but I was stood up…but, I got out there and I actually showed up which I wouldn’t have had the guts to do months ago.

I’m actually acting on the crushes I have though some of them have been harder for me to act on than others. Having feelings for single men at church has been the hardest…do I act on my impulses to give a guy my number or do I only treat him as my brother and watch as a good man passes me by?

At times I need to stop focusing on my times “with him” and make them times “for me” and “with/for God”

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Speaking of “For God” a all encompassing social category. I’ve been taking on more responsibilities at my church and I’m actually feeling like I’m finally becoming an adult.

I’ve been asked to represent my congregation in a worship convention in Michigan come June 14th-16th. I will be in school at working my summer job at this time and I’m hoping that I won’t miss too much.

But it’s nice to be able to take on more responsibility and be available for my congregation to do more work “For God”.

Maybe being at the convention I’ll meet some nice Christians and create some lasting friendships.

For all I know maybe my future prince charming will be there at the convention…though that won’t be my motivation for going.

I’m really happy to be putting myself out there and taking more risks with myself socially.

I haven’t been blogging at all this last month and I think it’s because I’ve been so busy, or maybe because I’m currently sitting on 333 comments and it’s such a pretty number that I don’t want to make people comment more ;p.

Anyway there are a number of topics I’d like to cover and this is going to be the first of about seven new blogs talking about what’s going on in my life.

First off I’d like to write about the fact that everything is turning out the way it needs to even though I personally never saw it all coming about this way.

I had been praying for a really long time that I’d be able to keep my job working with Minneapolis Kids over the summer. I was informed at the beginning of March that Minneapolis kids wouldn’t have any hours available for me to work and that my job would be ending in June. I was weighing my options and applying for different Summer jobs when my house mate Scott told me about available positions in Alaska at a local fish packing plant. The reason I was even considering the plant is the fact that it would mean my receiving almost three grand for working a short six weeks.

I needed the money in order to go back to school and pay my rent over the summer.

Going back to school was important because I wouldn’t be able to get benefits and aid through my work until I became permanent, on top of that I’d be able to get a pay raise. One reason why I’m not already permanent staff at Burroughs is because I’m missing my college credits to qualify. So I needed to get back into school! Taking this last semester off was necessary for me money wise but put me further behind in getting into the MCTC nursing program.

I had a lot of pre-nursing classes I still had to take that I wanted to take over the summer.

If I’d be working at the plant I’d need to find someone to sublet my place while I was gone and I’d also need to come up with a means of taking care of my belongings while I was gone. I wanted to go to school over the summer because i’d skipped the Spring semester and I had prerequisite classes to make up, going to Alaska would have made that impossible.

Alaska became my last resort because I wanted to look at all my options before I jumped into a job that put me behind for applying for the nursing program next Spring.

So I prayed to God to help me figure out a summer job for me that would be flexible and help me pay my summer rent. Any job was better than no job at all, I also prayed that I’d be able to return to school at least by the fall but preferably this Summer.

It wasn’t even a week ago that my boss Colleen called me into the office and told me that a position had opened up on the staff for a 7-11am shift. She told me that she didn’t want to lose me next Fall for the school year after losing me over the Summer because I was one of the best staff members she had. She also told me that she loved the work I’d done with the kids and was looking forward to seeing what I was able to do over the summer. I was so happy about the shift because it meant that I’d be able to keep my job over the summer! I was even more happy to hear that it was a solid 4 hour shift and not a split shift like I’d worked last summer and over the school year. In the split shift i’m in already I work from 7:15-9:15 and 3:15-5:45. Split shifts make planning things in the middle of the day difficult. Everyday in the midday makes me feel like I’m still at work and that I’ll have to be returning to work any minute, like I’m on a long lunch break.

So God clearly answered one of my prayers in working out work for me.

On top of that and weeks earlier  God had answered another one of my prayers.

Before I had been offered the job I was still trying to figure out how I was going to pay off my debts to MCTC if I was going to be returning to school in the fall. If I was going to Alaska i’d need to find extra rent money before leaving and money didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere.

So I was in a huge debate with myself go to Alaska and work, and almost lose my place to live…or stay at home and work (to keep my room) and not pay off MCTC till I find the money.

I did my taxes and everything seemed to be getting clearer.

After my refund money had come in from my 2010 taxes I had originally thought that my Summer rent problems were fixed…I’d pay my rent off my tax money and I’d live off nothing for the summer, come Fall I’d pray that they’d offer me my job back at which point I’d pay MCTC and get back into school.

Those were my original thoughts, i realized that i’d still need to find a summer job to be able to afford to pay off my debts at MCTC and return to school because in the fall i’d still be making the same money I make now which was only enough to take care of my rent…I needed extra money on top of my tax refund money that would only cover Summer rent.

My mom advised me not to sit on the money I’d gotten from my taxes. She told me that I should just pay my debt off to MCTC right off and she promised me that she’d help me pay for the summer rent that I’d be losing. At the time I hadn’t yet been offered my summer position so I was simply planning to go to school and live off the remainder of my tax money. Alaska was out of the picture.

So I paid off my debt to school for the fall semester 2010 and registered for Summer classes 2011.

Luckily I was blessed that my boss then offered me the 7-11am shift because I was registered to be in school from noon till 7pm already.

So to make a long story short.

I don’t need to worry about summer rent anymore because I am keeping my regular job over the summer only with different hours than I had over the school year which is good because they are in the morning and give me my whole afternoon free for personal things and school.

I am going to be able to go to school because I used my taxes money to pay my debt to school and get the hold off my account and I registered for classes for afternoons in the summer.

So I’ll be working mornings and going to school afternoons…I have no debts or worries about rent.

Now to write about my social life…