I’d had the intentions of coming around to these parts ever since my mom told me that my cat Snow was dying and that she had intentions of putting her to sleep.

I’m highly against putting animals to sleep especially when I can come home to my mom’s house and see my cat in the exact same health condition as she has been for months now.

The only difference between this cat and my normal cat is that she can’t control her bladder, that’s the beginning of the end they say.

Last Tuesday I completely lost it when my mother told me that she had intentions of taking my Cat in last Wednesday. I cried and cried and I refused to get out of my mother’s car and go home until she promised that she’d give snow one more day.

It frightens me that the vets will be taking my cat and making her die alone with gas or a shot that will slowly make all her vital organs just stop.

I love my cat dearly and I can’t handle not having her around after she’d been in my life my whole life.

I thought my mom was possibly lying to me but boy was I surprised to discover that my cat was still alive Wednesday afternoon after i got out of my class and I was headed to work at my second job. I wasn’t able to get out and to my mom’s house to see my cat until nearly nine at night when there would be no chance of me getting back home after the fact to change and get ready for Thursday day at work and school.

Thursday wasn’t any better and everyday until now Sunday…and my cat is still alive because I asked that I be able to see her before she is put to sleep so I can say goodbye in anyway I can.

Coming tonight though I am unable to see anything wrong with her which just frustrates me because she seems like she always is, a tired old cat just laying around and being cute, she’s walking around, eating and meowing for attention as she always has. She even spent some time following me around when I first arrived at my mother’s house.

She’s laying right next to me sleep right now so I’m sitting here thinking…to put her to sleep would be to kill a innocent, yet a little sickly  animal.
I go to my mother and ask her why she wants to put Snow down now that she’s showing such little signs of being sickly enough to die.

My mom says that she can’t deal with any stress right now, and I ask her what stress there would be in snow’s being the same as she usually is and my mom makes me sit down in front of her and she informs me that she thinks she’s relapsing.

My mom has had cancer for about two years now and she’d had Multiple Sclerosis for twenty two, she was diagnosed with it when she was pregnant with me.

“I’m relapsing Corinne and as hard as it is for me to deal with Snow right now I can’t take this stress while I’m relapsing.”

“Into Cancer?” I asked knowing my mom had cancer.

“I’ll always have Cancer” my mom said “it’s not going anywhere anytime soon” she says

“Than it’s the MS?” I ask

And she nods.

My mom has relapsed into MS twice in my life, the first time I was in Kindergarten and i found my mom laying on the ground in the hallway and she couldn’t get up, I remember I thought she was dying the second time I was about sixteen and i remember having to change her iv for the steroids they put her on to make her stronger. When she lapsed from stage one to stage two she was forced into taking shots daily.

This time my mom tells me she is having trouble with her walking, I noticed it today this morning when she didn’t walk straight up the stairs and she used the handle railing at church to assist her.

So I think this is the more than just a relapse, people with MS have lost their abilities to walk and have ended up in wheelchairs.

So this just became  an issue of if I want to cause my mom more stress and kill her or if I want to let my childhood cat be put to sleep.

I am having a hard time letting go of my childhood cat because I don’t believe in killing and innocent creature and that it is God’s place to do so but this whole business with my mother and the way she’s sprung it on me has me thinking that I have no other choice.

It’s my mother or my cat.

It’s based loosely on Tennyson’s Lady of Shalott Poem it makes perfect sense when you see the book and the poem drying out in the end on that poem’s page…so I decided to look it up and read it.

It’s a beautiful and sad poem and after reading it I wondered if there were any versions of it that we in audio so I could add it to my playlist on itunes or WMP and I discovered a very nice song that uses bits from the poem to tell the beautiful story. At first I was weary of it for the woman spoke in an accent and accents of any kind still really get to me but I really enjoyed it and decided it would be nice to share because I haven’t for awhile.

And here’s the poem itself:

The Lady of Shalott

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro’ the field the road runs by
To many-tower’d Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil’d,
Slide the heavy barges trail’d
By slow horses; and unhail’d
The shallop flitteth silken-sail’d
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower’d Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, ” ‘Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair’d page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower’d Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro’ the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel’d
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter’d free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon’d baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell’d shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn’d like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro’ the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;
On burnish’d hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow’d
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lirra,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look’d down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower’d Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river’s dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance –
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right –
The leaves upon her falling light –
Thro’ the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn’d to tower’d Camelot.
For ere she reach’d upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”

Bin Laden’s name has been like the name Voldemort in Harry Potter films…no one speaks of it though we associate it with pure evil.

Well, this is real life and I’m shocked to have just heard that Bin Laden was killed.

When Saddam Husain was hung I remember posting something about how I didn’t know how to react, but now that Bin Laden is dead I realize that real life is so much more terrible than movies make them.

The reality is that someone has died. Yes that person is responsible for the deaths of thousands of people. Even though conspiracy theorists may think it’s the government (some who I know and speak to on a regular basis) but I don’t want to think of my government being responsible for the deaths of all those people.

I remember how happy America was before 9/11…how untouched and unscarred…

The reality is to me that just because Osama Bin Laden is dead, that doesn’t mean that there is justice and peace and complete healing left behind for those who are still suffering from his tyranny… or recovering still from losing a lost one. That pain and the scar 9/11 created isn’t just going to go away now that Bin Laden is dead. He was just a name and an icon since the time this whole thing began…we couldn’t find him so his name was buried and we forgot about him and now that he’s dead I don’t understand how this is a new sign of hope.

What does this say about what we value in society? What does it say about what kind of people we are…you know, Osama is getting the standing ovation after his dead that he probably wanted…he wanted everyone to feel something when he left and this is exactly what he’s getting from the press. Everyone will remember his name and his legacy now and especially because those people who are writing books on him are now able to find themselves conclusions.

This doesn’t change anything…people have still died…and Osama was still murdered, doesn’t God say in his commandments that ‘Thou shall not Kill’ there should be no exceptions made now because it was Osama Bin Laden…murder is murder and the dirty deed was carried out.

I don’t mourn Osama or his memory but I do mourn the fact that human beings are reveling in his death. That’s just sick.

The story was really sad and it made me think of the song “Come to Calvary’s Holy Mountain” (Not the Boring Old Version but Aldrich’s Version) in a brand new light as we sang it.

I loved seeing that the song touched Gerri’s heart and the hearts of many others in the congregation because I saw a few people brought to tears over it. I don’t normally believe in seeing signs that God is working in a church but I felt that God was truly present with us this morning.

After church I had the third session of the N.T Wright series: ‘Surprised By Hope’ on what being a Christian truly is and what as a Christian we look forward to and set our Faith on. In this session the concept of Heaven was disgusted and it was talked about that Heaven and Earth are interconnected, in the Bible there are many couplings of the word together which proves that they are one entity because the New Covenant speaks of a New Heaven and a New Earth, meaning that there was or is an old heaven and an old Earth that exist together.

This is a video on NT’S personal opinion of what he said (I don’t completely agree with all that he says here because I am beginning to become more of a Preterist...thanks to Adam, but I think that was he has to say is satisfactory.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjElNncC-dg

In some churches especially orthodox NT says that there is a symbolic veil placed in some churches that seperates two particular parts of the physical church buildings. One side of the building is decorated and made to look like Heaven and the other side is dedicated to human beings and mankind. Drawn on the veils NT says were often pictures of the Saints in heaven interacting and symbols of Christianity such as the sacraments.

But NT says that the concept of Heaven being a place you go after you die isn’t what heaven really means. In the Holy Bible the word heaven or the phrase Kingdom of Heaven means In God’s Kingdom. The fact that God’s Kingdom and everything under God’s rule was and is still happening now than the concept of Heaven being interconnected with Earth is completely plausible.

Everyday Christians can feel and see the connect of Heaven and Earth when we have to ability to see Heaven in the acts of Love that we see in others. God is Love, and many traits come with being in God’s love and are reflected in the actions of those many Christians. A Christians goal is to be more like Christ who was the purest example of Heaven on earth that any Christian knows. Christ embodied God on earth and Christ embodied Heaven on Earth.

I’m not the best person to explain this but it was said that when Jesus was on the cross and he turned to the criminal next to him and told that Criminal that they would be together in paradise than it doesn’t mean that they would actually physically going to a place that is a designated separate spot for Heaven but rather than they’d be in a peaceful place together in the end (Some describe this peaceful and magnificent place like a garden because giving that paradise a physical embodiment thinking of the peaceful feeling that comes upon us when we are in a garden is the only way our Human minds can relate and grasp such a concept of actually being in God’s presents.)

I like the fact that a person can see glimpses of Heaven on Earth. As a Christian I like that I have the ability to be able to discern what things are Heavenly because of the feelings we get in our hearts about those things. In this idea we can quickly be distracted though because we can easily begin to idolize worldly things.

I feel though that there are times that my conscious self which I believe is God trying to guide me makes it quite clear what things are right and wrong in his eyes. I have a feeling of loss when I am without God in my decisions and with that feeling of loss comes guilt.

The good news is that in God there is no guilt or loss.

The concept of Hell in the case where Heaven is interconnected to living on Earth comes when a human being who God gave a free will to make their own decisions decides that they do not want to have God in their lives. The Hell comes in the pains of loss and torment that person feels in not having the many joys that come in being in God’s presents as we get glimpses of it in our Heaven on Earth.

It reminds me of an old doughnut man song;

‘Life without God’s Love
is like a doughnut
Like a Doughnut
Like a Doughtnut
Life without God’s Love is like a doughnut
Because there’s a hole in the middle of your heart.’

Being void of God in one’s life is like Hell because it’s a never ending black hole. No matter how many worldly things we try to use to make ourselves feel better and to try to fill up that hole we never find our peace because we aren’t in the presents of God. The Lack of God in our lives is like an eternal fire that burns in our hearts and hurts and is never extinguished.

I remember before I became a Christian how lost and alone I felt in the world. I cried out to God to ask him to fill me up and make me a whole person because I felt as if I was truly missing something, everyday that I walk with God now my cup is filled a little more, I want my heart and my cup to be overflowing by the time I am able to be in God’s presents and with God.

I want to feel like a whole person and I want God to fill like hole I have in my heart left there by the guilt and shame of sin, Because in God there is no Guilt and in God there is no Shame.

In our small adult education group we talked about the fact that we meet people everyday who we can see are empty vessels who have not been introduced to God. And we spoke about how we all agreed that we could actually see their emptiness in their eyes. We spoke of how we pass by people who are working the streets and how we choose to not deal with the fact that these people are feeding their eternal hellfire. We are also feeding the flames when we don’t tell people how God can fill that void they are feeling in their lives.

_

On a more personal note I went out with Adam and Paul today after adult studies and I was able to talk for the first time about the fact that I’ve been struggling with an addiction that is beginning to create a void in my life between me and God.

I have been committing a terrible amount of sexual sin in lusting after men and wanting them to be my new idols. I’ve been acting on that lust in ways I know aren’t what I should be doing as a Christian.  It was nice to be able to talk about it with Christians and seek their advice and I hope to be able to seek the advice of Paul and Adam more in my life.

In creating new Christian friendships like the one I have been starting to develop with Adam, and the one I hope to begin creating with Paul  I’ve actually had a great time. I’ve been able to have some great conversations about God and the Bible which I haven’t ever been able to have outside of my life group friends in places like, the gym, a car or a Chinese food restaurant.

I think it absolutely fascinating that Adam and Paul are both former missionaries. Especially because they aren’t shy about telling me the realities about the world outside of MN in other countries and hearing the stories they tell about their memories is really interesting to me!

I’ve gotten this crazy inkling of an idea in my head that I kind of want to be able to have that experience one day.  It would be cool to become a missionary and explore the world. Adam told me that he’d like to return to being a missionary but I’m not sure about Paul, if they do decide to become missionaries again I think it would be nice to try to convince them to drag me along. On my own I  don’t feel that I’d be able to become a missionary because I don’t think I am strong enough in my own journey with the Lord to be confident to lead others. I don’t want to be ‘the blind leading the blind.’

Paul asked me what I did for fun and I realized that I’m sort of boring and that I don’t get out of my room and away from my computer much when I’m not spending my time working. I used to spend a lot more of my time hanging out with my friend Heidi but her presence recently has been scarce and I’m unsure why. When it comes to getting out and interacting with new people I think that soon that my patterns in that are going to change.

Part of the reasons I don’t get out with my house mates is because they all have their own agendas and I don’t seem to fit their mold entirely when they are partying till 3 am and I need to be in bed by midnight on most school nights. They are still extremely nice to me and I like most of them a lot. But I don’t think they are the influential friends I need to start hanging out with all the time, they aren’t Christians and I’d like to grow more in my faith.

I’m praying that everything in Adam and Paul’s lives will allow me to become part of their circles. I really do enjoy hanging out with them and I can see us becoming a real threesome for fun Christian fellowship.

I first tasted Chai tea when Leo introduced it to me in October 2009

And I first watched Once cuddled up with Leo on the couch at his house in Minneapolis…I remember I sat there and thought the story was so sweet it made me cry. Now I’m crying for a different reason.

I miss Leo a lot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkFB8f8bzbY

You are Dead to me
And I will try not to mourn you because you’re evil and you don’t deserve that energy.
You’re a waste of my time.

In order for me to understand this I had to look up what a robbery really was…wiki says:
Robbery is the crime of taking or attempting to take something of value by force or threat of force and/or by putting the victim in fear. At common law, robbery is defined as taking the property of another, with the intent to permanently deprive the person of that property, by means of force or fear.[1] Precise definitions of the offence may vary between jurisdictions. Robbery differs from simple theft in its use of violence and intimidation.

The word “rob” came via French from Late Latin words (e.g. deraubare) of Germanic origin, from Common Germanic raub — “theft”

Among the types of robbery are piracy, armed robbery involving use of a weapon, and aggravated robbery involving use of a deadly weapon or something that appears to be a deadly weapon.

……

I was headed home on a 14 bus after having just caught a 46 from work. Mom was going to pick me up but I’d miss her while I was looking for my cellphone…she’d left and I’d decided to take a bus instead. I’d called her and said “Hey mom I’m going to take a 46, you don’t have to come, I’d have to wait to long for you to come back.”

So I was on the 46 and there was a young boy on who talked to me about his toys. And I had a great conversation about going into the arts in education with Alexander Kleinschmidt who Connor Trip would have introduced me to. I got off that bus with a smile on my face loving that a person could have a genuine conversation with complete strangers.

Then I got on a 14 and I called my buddy Vince to see how he was doing at work…we talked about how I really loved children and how I’d probably be old before I was able to have them. Vince was making a joke about how I’d be 80 before I had my first grandchild and I was laughing and walking down 32nd street the five blocks from the bus stop on Bloomington to my house on 32nd and Longfellow when from behind me a black man with a gun came up to me and told me to drop everything (My bag, my violin and my phone) and to hand them all over.

Vince said that all I was saying all of a sudden was ‘Oh my God…’ over and over again before the phone cut off. I remember saying ‘please don’t do this.’

The black man had a black jacket on and I remember staring at the gun and looking up at his face. It was covered in a scarf and all I could remember really was his eyes and again the gun…I looked down the street and there were people standing by the alley I’d just passed. I wanted to call out to them for help but the gun was on me…then the guy he grabbed my things and he walked and joined the other two men…his voice sounded like he was my age. He and the other two casually walked down the alley…I didn’t follow them because they had a gun and I was afraid.

A car came down the road and I jumped into the street and tried to flag it down saying “I was just robbed at gunpoint, please call the cops and let me in your car…I’m afraid!”

She didn’t open her car but I think she did begin to call the cops.
Then another car came and I ran to their car “Please let me in I asked, I was just robbed and they have a gun and I’m scared.”

I talked to the dispatcher and discovered that the woman’s name was Donna in the silver Audi and that she’d also called the cops.
The cops came and we went down the alley and there was no sign…I thought about how my friend Vincent might be reacting thinking I all of a sudden disappeared. I thought about what they took…my IDs, my keys…they know where I live!

I’m scared and a bit jumpy…the cops let me in their car to warm myself because I was cold. I tried to tell them as much as I could about the perps and their outfits…but I just remembered my things and the gun…they took my everything.

Everything really but my life…I got away with my life and the clothing on my back.

What if I would have died.
They would have discovered my body in the street.
They would have had me in my Hamline sweatshirt and my orchestra t-shirt, and my Corinne bracelet and the bracelet I’d made in my beading option.

They would have discovered me wearing my hair in braids and pigtails with a gunshot in my chest where the gun had been pointed when I was robbed.

They would have discovered my bus card in my pocket and could have looked at video of my trips on the buses as evidence of when I’d just gotten off the buses…then they would have tracked me back to work and how I’d been looking for my cellphone in the fridge and had therefore missed my mother.

I would have left behind a dirty room and a lot of unfinished business…I could have seen James but I went and babysat a woman with Alzheimers instead…I lent my mother money as one of my last good deeds. I’d told my friend Connor a friendly goodbye on the bus and I’d enjoyed a wonderful day at work at Burroughs Community Elementary School.

I would have had potential to be a great nurse with a future in wanting to work with children…the children would probably remember me and people would say I was good with them.

But I got away with my life…luckily.

And I lost some of my most valuable possessions in the process.

My computer, I just got it back from Jeremy.

My violin, the same one I’ve had my whole life since I’d first begun to play in 6th grade at the age of 11.

My cellphone, which I got last Christmas which still held the number of my friend Leo Kohorst who was just murdered a month ago tomorrow.

My nurses packets…and pieces of myself in novel form.

I forget what else other than my Ids…I’m a donor and my library card.

I would have been fighting with my boyfriend having left him a message saying that I wanted to talk to him.

I would have just responded to a text from my friend Jeremy where he’d have asked me what I was up to.

Everyone says I did the right thing in letting those things go even though they had value to me.

Because my life has more value…I couldn’t sleep last night in thinking that I’d just had a brush with death and I hadn’t thought about anyone and I’d been alone and scared.

Everyone keeps saying that I was lucky because I could be dead…I’m lucky because I did what they said, I wasn’t a hero and I didn’t fight back…I wasn’t a hero I was a victim with walked away with her life.

I wish I’d been stronger and more aware of my surroundings, I wish I hadn’t been laughing on the phone with Vince and that I’d been looking around me and rushing home. I wish i’d heard them and known the gun was there…I wish I had a tazor or mace.

I wish I knew self defense to fight them off…

But it is all different with a weapon…a deadly weapon is involved…I wonder if it was loaded, I wonder where they got it or if it was real…it looked real, but it was dark…it looked like a real heavy hand gun.

What do I know, I’ve never seen a gun out of a police officer’s holster.

My uncle Sean says now I am officially urban and that I’ve spent to much of my time in Edina and that I’m too trusting of people.

This is going to make me paranoid and I’m afraid to walk at night off the bus alone already.

Today I took a break from my life, I’m missing work and clinicals to think about my life and if I had died last night.

I have so many shoulda woulda couldas…I keep calling the police office to give them more information…apparently if they try to pawn my stuff I can get it back. Hopefully the pawn shops won’t be dirty.

Gosh so much to say and my mind is all over the place.

If anyone needs me email me at Pinker33@gmail.com

My cell is gone…but I can still check at the library, wow…they even took my library card!

>I need to stop living out of my purse.

First it began with my thoughts this morning as I woke up, I’d gotten home around 11pm after being dropped off by Leo’s Augsome friends, we’d carpooled together to farming MN to attend Leo’s wake. In getting up this morning I associated my complete exhaustion to the energy it took to actually let loose and have fun remembering Leo. In the car on the way back home from the wake after stopping for a bite to eat, we ladies in Elisabeth’s car had a total blast!…I did things I’ve never done before…talking to random people while stuck for an hour in traffic, trying to sing songs out loud while totally not knowing the words…letting my memories of Leo simply stream out of my head in sort of coherent sentences. My first thoughts of Leo this morning were of the pure sunshine he brought into my life…my second thoughts were on how frickin’ cold my bedroom is at 4 in the morning.

When I was walking to the bus stop I had to pass Leo’s house which sits with every light in the house still on full blast…exposing every inch of it’s interior to be viewed as it slowly begins to decay under the elements. In this I felt sadness, I want to go into Leo’s house and turn off all the lights and place a single candle in the window that is the smell of chai…welcoming Leo’s spirit to come and visit whenever he feels…it is his home after all.

As I sat at the bus stop freezing and watching my own breath I was reminded of the numerous times I’d leave Leo’s house slamming the automatically locking back door as I blindly headed out somewhere…only to remember that I’d forgotten something that was essential…forcing me in the cold to have to turn back and figure out another way into the house …at which time I usually missed my bus and became extremely late. Those days I remembered calling Leo up and asking him if he could stop by his house in between classes to open his door so I could get back in.
“Is Tom home?” Leo would ask…”He can let you in.”
Of course Tom wouldn’t be home and I’d respond depressingly
“If he was home would I be calling you now?”
at which time I’d hear the sigh from the other end of the phone and Leo’d break and say:
“I’ll be there in a half an hour.”
He’d pedal back to me and unlock the door and I’d be relieved to be inside to get my possessions but also because by this time standing in the freezing cold I often want and need to pee terribly.

As I sat at the bus stop I also remembered sitting there with Leo waiting on a 22 or a 21 to go to Saint Paul or downtown…Whenever I pass Leo’s block in the car or the bus I used to say…Hey there’s Tom and Leo’s house…which eventually became, hey there’s Leo’s house when Tom moved out.

While I was on the bus I saw a man wearing a hat that looked just like the hat Leo bought me while I was in farming. the man wore his hat with a silent pleasure most stylish hat wearers wear and you might call it a stretch but I thought of how much Leo loved his blue hat, and how we had decided it was the best look on him together when Leo wore it he had that kind of calm feeling about him.

As I was at work at school the time of day definitely was on my mind…the funeral started at 11am and I was working from 6:30-12. I was kind of happy to see that when the sun finally came up the day began to warm, even though it may have just been for the afternoon I felt it was appropriate for a day such as today, clear skies and sunny…my friend needed good weather because bad weather would have been depressing.

As I was right about to leave I was stopped by my boss who told me that she’d seen the news…after a short conversation in which I told her about what a great guy Leo was as I’ve been telling everyone I talk about him to she told me that he would now be my guardian angel looking out for me in heaven.

As I walked to the bus stop I spoke to God and Leo and surprisingly I found myself speaking (out loud) to myself. I told Leo that I know he hadn’t had the option to pick to be my guardian angel watching over me from heaven. But, also that I couldn’t have picked a better more responsible person to have my back. He’d probably saved my life numerous times since his death and I’d have never known it. It is nice to think that Leo is out being an angel to watch and help guide me…give me a sign that you’re still around I asked him, even though I expected nothing. Because of my conversation with my boss, and my talking to myself…I didn’t make my bus in time and I sat at the bus stop thinking about my memories of Leo and this new “guardian” concept till it finally came.

I was on a really tight schedule today, I had to get to an appointment. The appointment was at the doctors to have a follow up appointment to one I’d had on Wednesday, the appointment was at 1 and by the time i got on the bus is was already 12:36. Like a miracle I caught three buses in a row right after one another…getting me to Lake and Chicago at around 12:49.

Off Lake and Chicago I accidentally got on the wrong bus because I was so rushed into getting on a 5 that I didn’t pay attention to which 5 I was getting on and I realized a little too late that the bus only got halfway to my destination. My feet in my new shoes really hurt all of a sudden so I decided not to walk the ten blocks to the doctor’s office. It was 1:13 and I was almost 15 minutes late. As I waited at a bus stop I asked a woman when the bus would be coming…she was standing with a young girl and a baby in a carriage. The woman was white and the children looked mixed so I assumed they were hers. I was surprised when a random man walked up to the young 10 year old girl and gave her a hug and kiss. He said something like “I told you I wouldn’t be late” and he stood at the stop with the girl and woman and baby and they looked to be a cute little couple. The man tried to grab the woman’s jacket when he hugged her and she treated him to let go…then out of the blue he says something like…”If I can’t pull your jacket I’ll just pull hers” and he pointed at me the silent person at the corner and he smiled. I was shocked to suddenly be a part of the conversation and when he saw that he’d gotten my attention in pointing to me he started to spark up a conversation about how it was his daughter birthday and that he was taking her to the American Girl doll store to buy a 95$ doll for her. I told him how that was age appropriate and he went on about how there was a lack of age appropriateness and how as a father he was over controlling and protective of his beautiful daughter against potential boys (though she was only 10) I could clearly see that his daughter was pretty at her young age and would only grow into her looks. He went on also to talk about how times have changed from when he and I were growing up and how nothing in the world was ever safe anymore. He told me about how his brother had been killed on the block previous and how that’s what the world has become…and as if out of some corny play he said “This world isn’t what it used to be, just last night I saw in the news a story about a man who beat his poor young landlord to death for evicting him.” And that was my sign, I told the man that I knew Leo ‘the landlord’ and I told him how I was missing his funeral as we spoke and waited for the bus. He asked me why and where I was going and I told him to the doctors…then he asked some more whys and I explained how if I didn’t get my mantose that I couldn’t become a nurse for a very long time. He told me about how funerals aren’t nessecary for a person to be remembered or let go of. He told me a story of how he missed his murdered brother’s funeral and how he remembered that the night his brother had died he’d offered to take his brother out drinking and had been declined for the first time on an offer like that. This guy also told me about how a person should be remembered in the good memories and that having to go to the doctors is fucked up when a friend is being laid to rest. I thanked the man for this sympathy and I thought of Leo.

At the doctor’s office when I finally got there almost an hour late at 1:54 I was happily greeted by a man who was wearing a vikings jersey at work…I thought of Leo.

Before getting my mantose read for school. The nurse asked me how I was, and I told her I was lost in thoughts…and when she acquired I told her about my thoughts of Leo during the day so far and she told me a story of her own that was extremely comforting and hard to share…the nurse stopped to talk to me, then she forgot she’d lost track of time and she returned to work.

When the mantose lady came in and checked my arm for any proof and it came out negative, I felt it was a little waste of my time to miss the funeral for something that only took 5 seconds. The nurse asked me about my large depressed sigh and I told her my thoughts on missing Leo’s funeral. Then she told me she was sorry and we talked about nursing school.

Then on my bus ride home these kids were playing a hand game in Spanish and they came next to me and their accents were really strong for their ages. I asked one of the children where they were from and she answer Nicaragua. That was the same place Leo was trying to create sustainable energy source for.

After my appointment as I walked the 2 blocks home I saw Leo’s house and I scanned the ground. On the ground there was a shiny white rock…and unlike the rocks I picked last night at the wake to help me remember Leo but this rock was really nice and instantly I thought. “This rock is more fitting to Leo than that other one.” So I took it home with me.

When I got home my housemates friends were over in the backyard playing RISK…Leo taught me how to play Risk.

When I went upstairs I saw Nick’s pullover sweater,and Leo had the same style but in blue instead of Red.

Then I saw Nick’s room…and it looked just like Leo’s used to…with musical instruments and books everywhere (sadly no accordion)

Then I realized what was happening…I was getting all of this because Leo wanted to me to remember him and our great times together.

I put the rock away and began writing this blog, but it doesn’t end there…through the window I watched as the RISK game continued, I thought of my times with Leo and I gave up with my blogging and stepped away from the computer to go and take a sneak peak at the back porch and the game. I ended up staying out there for the rest of the game to watch the winner win and I talked with the boys about Cowboy Bebop and how it was like Firefly and I made quick friends with Ben and Aaron Fitch and a guy named Maurice.

Aaron complained of his hunger and how he needed to get rid of some potatoes that some nuns had given him and as I stood in the kitchen it hit me that Leo was sending me another memory. I remembered Leo having a bag of potatoes and all we could think to do was bake them and make them into soup. I remember making the soup and having Leo and Tom eat it and enjoy it. So, Like old times I offered to make sometime soup because I had mixed vegetables and carrots and time, since it is now Friday and I have no work or anything tomorrow.

Aaron said sure and I started water and boiled chicken to make broth and Aaron left to get potatoes…when he returned with them he helped me wash them and dry them and cut them and this I added them to the soup.

The boys went out to play ping pong in the garage and it reminded me of Leo’s ping pong table we play beer pong on.

When the soup was done Aaron, Ben and sat down and ate a meal together. During one point in the conversation I looked over and remembered I left the computer up and running with the blog still up and i smiled. Aaron asked me why I was smiling and I told him that I got a little bit of Leo in everything in my life right now.

And I explained to Ben and Aaron how each of my housemates had a Leo quality in them that reminded me of Leo when I interacted with them. Part of why I moved in so quickly.

And we talked about Leo and the whole situation and that because a conversation about ‘house rules’ and what rules are made to be broken in a house and what rules should be followed.

Then we talked about substance abuse and weed and gangs and bad lifestyles.

And then i discovered I worked with the boy’s mutual friend and his girlfriend. The co-worker was totally ‘different’ since he’d be dating my other co-worker. I’d noticed that they were close but I’d never realized that they’d been dating.

So…we spent the rest of the night talking about random stuff and the boys left laughing and joking and they said.

“If you ever want to hangout you know you can contact us…and we exchanged information.” Then they left.

So I’m sitting here now thinking of how I just had a great home cooked meal like the type I used to have in Leo’s house to end my day.

So I thought I’d share this…because I don’t think it’s a mistake that Leo is still ever present in my everyday life, in all the sweet reminders. (Like when Leo would leave me little notes reminding me to lock up before I left.)

Wow, that’s a lot of typing *yawn* goodnight internet!