I was thinking about how the year is coming to an end and everything I’ve done in the past year and accomplished and everything that I hope to accomplish in the next up coming year.

So Like I’ve done in years past I’m going to write down some solid New Years Resolutions for the year of 2012.

It’s said that 2012 may be the end of the world because that’s when the Early Mayan peoples stopped calculating on their calendars but I don’t believe that to be true.

But I’d still have to say that my first New Year Resolution for 2012 is to

1) “Simply Survive“…I just want to make it through 2012 is one piece, alive and healthy with a stable enough life like I have now. The next time I’ll be writing a list of resolutions two semesters in school and a Summer would have passed and I may or may not be where I want to be to be able to sign up for the MCTC nursing program. I want to live my day to day without getting super depressed that I’m not making any progress, I want to look at each day in a more positive light.

My 2nd Resolution: Would be to
2) “Not be a quitter”- Whether this is in my relationship with David, at my workplace(s) or in my school work I’d like to keep going with everything I start until I succeed, and if I fail I’d like to know that I made my very best effort.

3) “Enjoy Life for what is has to offer” This past year I can honestly say I didn’t have many adventures, the whole year outside of a time I went to Michigan to represent my church I’ve been in Minnesota, and what I’ve been doing here has mainly been working, going to school and watching a lot of movies. I’d like to be able to get out and enjoy Minnesota for what it has to offer me, I want to explore new parts of the city and enjoy the weather. And create a new outlook on life even during the boring times.

4) Get out of Debt: I recently looked at my expenses again and in order to figure out how much money I’d need to make a month in order to continue living the life I am and still be able to save for a car or a new apartment in the future. I discovered that If I continue on I’ll be able to get out of all my Debt to Hamline University, to MCTC and to the Various Hospitals and organizations I’m a part of that I haven’t been paying by this time next year if I keep my consistent hours at working at Minneapolis Kids at Burroughs and working at my new workplace. I don’t want my pushing to get out of debt to interfere with my ability to do well in school though, this is the only thing that worries me I’m going to get so overwhelmed and wrapped up working that I’ll have no time for school.

5) Learn How to Prioritize.- Most people who know me know that I value strange things and I prioritize things that I value rather than what I should be prioritizing to make life easier on myself. I value my relationships but I don’t value my family, I value what I do with my money now rather than worrying about how I’ll save my money for the future. I also Value work over school which seems to make life harder because I need to do well in school in order to do better work. I’ve learned a lot of these life lessons over the past year and I’d like to be able to say ‘first things first’ and actually know where I’m going to go when I need to place value on things.

6) Lose More Weight: I’m proud to say that though an unhealthy weight I have maintained the same weight for the last few months and over the summer I actually lost weight. This past year I was a member of a gym called LA Fitness and because of some financial difficulty that I’m still trying to get out of I’ve found myself once again without a means of working out. I do do a lot of walking on a regular basis and I find myself jogging to and from the bus stop often but that’s not enough. I want to find some means of exercise which can be incorporated into my everyday routine, maybe it’s rollerskating because I discovered I am good at it and that I enjoy it or maybe it’s just biking like my housemates do 24/7, I don’t know. Part of that is the simple step I can take of eating more healthy, David said that he could help me with that and I’m hoping to get a George Foreman grill because David swears by it. In general I just want to GET FIT.

7) Get even More Organized than I already Have- This past year I’ve come a long way in maintaining the clutter that is my room. I have installed and organized to the point where everything now has a decent place. I realized though that when I move in the future that I want a place with walk in closets. Or I want to be able to build myself walk in closets because a bulk of my bulk is clothing and I don’t feel like getting rid of much of it now. My room currently is so small that it constantly needs to be converted for me to be able to do simple things such as play a board game, sleep or watch television on my computer. I’m getting tired of having to move everything around in order to do simple tasks so I want to eventually maybe in the next year find a place where I can have enough room to roam and be able to store what I want to to bring out later. Getting more organized may help me manage my stress better, calm easily maintained environment might mean a calmer me.

8) Maintain relationships: I’m proud to say that unlike last year where I was getting over Craig I have a great man who though he has his faults I’d like to keep around for awhile and have adventures with. I’m not on that search for a boyfriend “Thank God.” and i’m not wondering what the wide world of dating has to offer me, instead I’m in a perfectly good spot in my relationship with David and I’m finally starting the see breakthroughs in how he and I communicate and understand each other as for dating at this point I’m going to keep things open I’m not looking for anyone on the side but David said that if something better comes along that I should take it. So far nothing better has come along that can be long term. I think that’s what I’m looking for now, not just a boyfriend who will be around for a few months who I give a lot to and who leaves, I want something that will last more than a year. David and I have potential to last more than a year, three months have flown by and I think part of it is because we are able to give each other enough space to live our separate lives. Though I’d like to see parts of our lives coming together more like him meeting my family and me meeting his family for now I’m pretty content with him coming over and spending time with me. Anytime at all can be hectic I know with his crazy law school schedule. Part of that maintaining this relationship would be not being so clingy and demanding so much of David, it’s hard because it seems to me that David thinks my wanting anything at all is from him is being too demanding …that’s something we have to work on.

9) Find Church again: I didn’t write a blog about being kicked off the worship team because I thought getting into a big fuss over it all would be a huge waste of my time. I didn’t write a blog about not attending church because of a lack of motivation to do so because I didn’t feel it was something that was worth blogging about just yet and I’ve been busy and haven’t really had the time to blog as much as I wish I could. I was kicked off the team because Matt and Peter think that I need to become reconciled with something in my life that’s going on before I can help lead a congregation in worship.  They think I’m going through some sort of spiritual battle and they think i should seek some kind of counseling. There’s nothing crazy going on in my life right now that isn’t normal for someone my age to be going through, I’m experiencing life as everyone else does and I’m trying to get by. Counseling is expensive and unnecessary in my particular case because anything a counselor might say to me is the exact thing I could discover by making mistakes and learning those life lessons on my own. I accept that things aren’t perfect in my life and that I have a lot to work on but that’s the same for everyone that God put on this planet. I am in a relationship and it scares me that I might be trying to commit myself to a person who might not be meant for me, but I’m experiencing it because even if David isn’t “the one” I’ve learned a lot from the relationships I’ve already experienced and the experiences I’ve had have taught me much about what I am looking for in a partner.

I’m looking for a love in a man and I am looking to love a man just like those famous passages in Corinthians 13 talking about love:

¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I see a lot of good things in David and I hope that over time I will learn to love him or that through my experiences with him I’ll be able to better love another. There is no loss of faith in me in that respect and I don’t need to go to church to know what I should seek in LOVE.

I’m working and my coworkers are frustrating at times when they make my job harder and cause me unwanted stress. They are mean and inconsiderate and lazy and I can honestly say if at times if it weren’t for work and the fact that I might lose my job, I would quickly curse some of them out for acting the way they do. They aren’t the worst kind of people for they do have the abilities to make the children at my work place happy but they aren’t good to me and some of my other coworkers. They do good but there isn’t much love in them but for those who are their own and mean like themselves. I’ve watched and I’ve taken a lot of shit because of their wanting to make someone look worse than themselves. I don’t need to go to church every Sunday to know how I need to deal with them because being in church as I grew up I’ve learned that Jesus instructs me to Love my enemies in Luke 6:27:

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

So at work I’m learning to turn the other cheek and so far being nice to those who mistreat me, though it isn’t always easy has kept me my job for the last year and a half.

I’m also in School and though it’s hard I don’t need to go to church to know that God created me to do good things and produce good fruit from all my hard work. I have a good heart because of God and what I produce in the world will be good it says so clearly in the Bible.

 ⁴³ “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. ⁴⁴ Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers. ⁴⁵ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

All these things I’ve learned to deal with over the years and God has taught me many lessons about how to deal with people in those settings and in those situations.

Learning about God in church in my life has taught be a lot.

I have enough knowledge to deal with my day to day struggles so I don’t feel I need to attend church every Sunday I’m taking a break from Church for awhile. I need to find myself and reestablish a positive relationship with God on my own and where Gods place in my life is. I want to get out of thinking about church in a legalistic way where I hate that I can’t be myself in church and everyone pretends that life is just so fine and dandy and no one can really says what they want to say to a person’s face.For example: when my mother was planning on putting my cat down I was against it, that was this summer and I vocalized my feelings to her and the cat still lives today and is doing much better than she was a couple of months ago. And when my brother didn’t want to go to college and instead decided he’d rather join the military because he’s afraid he can’t afford to go to school I was against it, and the many soldiers I know (except Jason) were also against it. I want to go to church when I know I can really praise God again and not have to worry about How the way I’m living my life will reflect how holy and great the church itself is. We all make mistakes and God is helping me through mine in his own way and his own time. I don’t need the people at my church judging me. It’s not that I’m no longer a Christian I just haven’t been going to the Christian gatherings because I don’t feel that they are genuine anymore. But this next year I’d like to find a way to come back to church whether it’s a different church or not I’m unsure.

For some reason when I think of the church now I think of what Jesus said : “The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” Meaning that I can do what I want on Sunday as long as my heart is there. And I can have communion with bread and grape juice whenever I want to at home, every meal I have can be my communion…I still pray I still believe I still want God to be in the lives of the people I love and care about. I believe that God blesses me daily. Enough said.

10) Learn to Love myself: Which means taking care of myself and thinking about what I deserve rather than what others think and want. I hear that is the only way I’ll find self esteem and confidence in this world, apparently everyone says I don’t know myself and that I’m afraid of my own company and as soon as I find myself I’ll find where I’m going in life. So that is definitely a goal.

As a part of that mentality I found myself going out with my friend Heidi regardless of if it was a school night and I had to work the next morning or not.

On one of our mini adventures together Heidi called me up and told me that she wanted to go and try using a three day trial of the LA Fitness Center in Edina MN a few blocks from where she lived and right across from the popular Edina Landmark Southdale Shopping Center. The LA fitness is on 76th a block or so down from where I worked at Bobby and Steve’s years ago when I was still in high school.

During the second night of the free trial, which we were doing right after valentines day we learned of an Amazing discounted membership deal.

Heidi wanted to join and I felt I’d had a decent experience at the gym and that I was feeling regret for having stopped going to my personal trainer Von Gillette because of money issues.

So I said I’d consider it, and we went and worked out together the whole time we were working out Heidi was like a little bird in my ear talking to me about how great it was to be able to be working out at a facility that was so fine…and fun.

I agreed with her and little by little I thought more and more about how it would be a great idea to get myself a membership.

So when the workout came to an end and I asked Heidi if she was considering buying a membership she said no. The fitness plan seller guy told us about this deal where I could become a member and have Heidi added to my account as my gym guest.

Heidi told me that if I got a membership with guest privileges she’d actually go into the membership for half with me. So she’d pay half and i’d pay half which would be able 24.50$ split down the middle. There was also a deal where if I got to the gym 12 days out of the month that I’d be able to get a 20$ money back discount.

That’s affordable, to me and I got the membership with the guest privileges.

And at first we were going really consistently and things were going well. But Heidi got tired of giving me a ride home after we worked out. And I got tired of having to spend the night at Heidi’s house only to wait for her to wake up at 3pm.

She wasn’t a morning person and I was the most productive in the morning and she never wanted to give me a ride to work or to Southdale so I could catch a bus to work because she didn’t want to get out of bed.

And then she began to suggest that I cancel the membership because she was no longer motivated to go.

Well here I am all motivated to go and my workout partner flakes out on me and I’m all of a sudden stuck with the whole bill now.

And when I ask Heidi to pay the other half even though she isn’t going she says that when she got paid she’s put all her money now towards her terrible credit card bills.

I’m not upset about this because I know Heidi is a bit of a shopaholic BUT…a deal is a deal! She should have considered the 150$ dollars she already owes me from the membership.

So what was I to do but find someone else to take her place.

So I sent out a mass text message to everyone in my phone asking if any of them were interested in working out with me for a cheap charge.

I got three or four responses.

-One from my mother
-Two From my uncle Sean
-Three from my Friend Alex
and -Four from my former coworker Mike who was the custodian who saved me and Heidi when we got the flat tire…(we’ve been hanging out and smoking hookia every once and awhile)

I worked out with my mom and we agreed on a Wednesday night Yoga class.

I worked out with Alex, and Heidi together which proved to me that I need someone like Alex to challenge me every time we go. But sadly Alex has a busy work and school schedule and could hardly find the time to regularly attend with me.

I worked out with Mike, but he also has a crazy schedule where he worked sometimes overnight and couldn’t get together until after 10pm. This was fine the first time we did it but recently he’s picked up the graveyard shift getting off at 1am or so…which isn’t good because LA Fitness closes at midnight.

My uncle Sean and only workout with me if I get a multi-gym membership and I can workout with him at the LA Fitness in Uptown, which would cost me more money.

So right now I’m in a bit of a pickle…Heidi isn’t paying up and I’ve kind of officially dropped her as my workout partner, though she is welcome to join me whenever.
-The guest privileges are too good to give up because I have been able to encourage my mother to attend the gym when she wouldn’t on it’s cost.
But it’s too expensive each month for me to simply do all on my own.

So…I’m looking for new workout buddies…I’m putting out an ad on Craigslist and also I’m opening it up to my friends on Facebook. Hopefully I can find someone soon!

If not I’ll just be going to the gym via the bus on my own…which may be a little bit difficult being on the bus and with an inconsistent bus schedule.

I hope I can find someone soon!

Rudy was mainly set in place by my mother to help us children deal with all the terribly damaging things we’d experienced during our childhoods.

It was during one of Rudy’s family therapy sessions that I believe I first really thought of Craig as someone more than just a friend. I remember still living at our house at 32nd and DuPont Ave in South Minneapolis and standing in the kitchen  trying to explain to Rudy and my mother why I thought that I would one day be traveling the world. I told them that I wanted to see the different parts of the world because before I’d been to Greece I’d thought that the whole world was only what I was seeing in Edina, Minneapolis and St.Paul (occasionally). My Idea of a vacation at the time until going to Greece was the whole family piling into my mother’s dodge stratus and traveling to Chicago. I told my mom and Rudy that day while standing in that kitchen I especially wanted to visit my penpal and friend Craig who lived in Scotland. My little sister teasingly said “your boyfriend” and I went on and on about how Craig was ‘just a friend’. It is funny because to this day I can still remember the thoughts that were running through my mind…what if Craig was my boyfriend? If Craig isn’t my boyfriend why do I chat with him more than I did Jason? Why do we spend all night chatting about what feels like absolutely nothing and yet I feel so good being tired at school the next day? Why do I rush home to talk to Craig?

Rudy the family therapist is a person who I would consider a major father figure in my life. He encouraged me to go to Hamline and he has given me many speeches of wisdom over the past few years that have shown me that I should NEVER GIVE UP AS A SMART BLACK YOUNG WOMAN.

I remember him asking me: “If Craig isn’t your boyfriend, why are you blushing so much when we mention him?”…That’s when I knew and that’s when my goals and the way I talked to Craig first began changing. It changed from idol conversation to flirting. (Which I hope to cover a blog on later)

Anyway, The reason I share this is because therapy for me has helped me come to some of the most interesting and amazing discoveries that have helped shape my path toward a happy and stress free future.

Therapy was a place where I could focus on the good things in life and think about how I could make them better instead of dwelling on the bad things.

I’ve found healing in sharing my feelings with others confidentially and I discovered that I love being open and honest with people about how they make me feel and how I react to them.

If a person is bothering me I’ve found that because of therapy I’ve been able to voice my opinions to them in a appropriate and proper manner.

I don’t keep my feelings bottled up as much as I used to and I don’t become as depressed as I used to be because I get all of my feelings out and let them go.

Recently I’ve been going through a lot of problems physically, mentally and financially. I’ve been forced to move back home to my mother’s house after two years of living independent of rules made by a parental unit.

I’m not back in my childhood home because my family has moved from

>32nd & DuPont Ave South Minneapolis

to >1003 Olson Memorial Hwy North Minneapolis

to>6411 Olympia Street Golden Valley

to my families current address at >311 Penn Ave North Minneapolis

That makes the total amount of moves that my family has made in the last 3 years 4 moves in 3 years. Pretty much a move every summer three summers in a row during vital years of my development and educational transitions.

This is not including the moves I made personally from

Olympia Street to —> Camp in Annandale MN to —>My dorm room in St.Paul MN to —> Theta Chi Fraternity to —> 1901 Logan Ave Minneapolis MN back to a different home at —> 311 Penn Ave Mpls MN

meaning that I have to add four moves to the four moves I’d already made. Making 8 moves that I’ve made in 3 years. It is said that after 1 move a child can develop problems functioning…but after 8 a person can go Crazy.

Sadly this time around Rudy doesn’t come every week to give me and my family personal therapy. I see Rudy every once in a blue moon when my mother invites him over to talk to us kids about things that she knows she can’t talk to us personally about without creating more stress. Rudy being around for my family is like during circle time in elementary school and having the ‘talking ball’ Rudy is like the ball because when he is around people wait their turns and we are at peace with each other for a little while during the chaos. We respect each other.

This time around though since there was no Rudy I have found that I’ve needed to discover different outlets to get my feelings and emotions out…to tell MY SIDE OF THE STORY.

If you look at the title of this Blog which I have titled “Blogging Therapy” you can see that the main outlet I’ve discovered to help me vent and get things off my back has been my Blog. I use my blog like a journal and I share my thoughts and feelings. I know that unlike in therapy blogging is in no way confidential but, I feel that I want people to get to know the real honest me.

I think the blogging does all the same things that therapy does…it lets you have a place that is unbiased to talk about things and get them all cleared up in your head. It doesn’t rush you and it has no opinion for or against you. It simply lets you tell your side.

I like blogging better than therapy from a therapist sometimes because I feel that when I am typing my brain can keep up with what my mind is thinking. When I am trying to speak I think of brilliant things to say but they never come out the way I want them to because my mouth feels it can’t keep up with my brain. My voice online is often stronger than my voice in person..which many people have begun to learn and read about me.

I can type a heck of a story but ask me to tell you one and you’ll get a stuttering fool. Sometimes while I am typing I have trouble finding the right words like when I’m trying to communicate verbally but the problems are much fewer and farther between.

Blogs don’t talk back and give you advice…that can be a good thing and a bad thing. It is a good thing because sometimes I don’t want advice and I just want someone or ‘something’ to just sit and take the time to listen…and if on blog someone else happens to come across it and read it, there is always the option for them to leave me their opinions which I do value and take into consideration. It is bad because the opinions I may get on a blog are not often expert opinions and they may lead me astray but also sometimes I might want help with something and not get it.

Blogging can be bad because a therapist may tell you something that you don’t want to hear but that you NEED TO HEAR. When with blogging a person can pick and choose what advice they want to take…self advice is not always good advice.

Blogging helps me find a platform and yell from the virtual rooftops when at home I might be yelling but with all the noise no one is bound to hear my cries for help over their own yelping.

I can say anything that I want on a blog…even though I try to practice digression and even though there are a lot of things that I know I wouldn’t be able to share on my blog without seeking permission from other parties involved…I still free enough on my blog to talk about things I want and need to talk about. Just like in therapy when my therapist asks me: So, how has you life been and where is it taking you? What are you doing with your life that makes you sad, happy, confused, etc.?

I was sitting and look at my boyfriend’s blogs and my blogs and I’ve found blogs to be a positive medium…it is said that if you write it they will read it.

Even though my blogs are gigantic and often spiritual and highly technical I feel that anyone who took the time to read them could get to know me as a person and could get to know the way I think and look at life.

Blogging for me has become the new therapy that is calming me down and relieving my stress. I can rant and rave on my blog and it will do nothing but just sit there and store it all in. The Blog has become my Rudy and I don’t have to worry about how I will refresh my spirits, vent and heal.

LONG BLOG SHORT…BLOGGING IS THERAPEUTIC.

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?

It is a diet and exercise routine developed by a man named David Boles.

Here’s how it goes:

EXERCISE

Six Days a Week
At minimum you should try to do the following exercise routine three times a week. After a year and a half I’m up to six days a week, but I started my entire exercise regime by simply going to the park and walking around its perimeter once a day. On Sunday, I only do the Modified Aerobics Routine. I don’t want to push my body beyond its limits and having a “day off” from the PowerWalk does help stave the inevitable boredom that can set in with such a strict routine.

30 Minute PowerWalk
In the morning I walk as fast as I can without stopping. At the end of the walk, I stop by the grocery store and pick up the day’s dietary needs and then I walk it all home in shopping bags that weigh an average of 10 pounds on each arm. I’m worn out when I arrive home. I’m sweaty. My hands have been cut by the plastic bags. My arms ache. I feel great!

Be certain that you walk for 30 minutes. Don’t walk by distance alone. The important thing is to get your heart moving in its prime exercise zone for as long as possible and the stronger you get, the more stamina you build up, the more miles you’ll be able to cover in 30 minutes. When you start out for the first time it might take you 30 minutes to go around a single block. That’s good! Your heart is getting a fine workout. Time is important. Distance is not. As always, check with your doctor before starting any exercise routine.

Modified Aerobics Routine
I do this routine at night as fast as I can… and it takes me 7 minutes. This is super-low impact so it won’t hurt joints. If your knees begin to hurt, don’t move your legs as far apart during the Jumping Jacks.

a). 100 jumping jacks.

b). 25 deep knee bends.

c). 25 side leg extensions for each leg.

d). 25 front leg extensions for each leg.

e). 25 back leg extensions for each leg.

f). 25 push-ups.

g). Flat on my back I bring my knees to my chest 25 times.

h). Flat on my back I cross my arms across my chest and raise my back three inches off the ground in a modified sit-up.

i). 50 torso twists with arm extensions.

j). 50 toe touches.

Bad Weather
If it is snowing or raining outside or if I can’t get out to walk, I do the following full aerobics routine and this takes 30 minutes to complete with 60 second breaks between steps if I start to get winded:

a). 100 jumping jacks.

b). 25 deep knee bends.

c). 100 jumping jacks.

d). 25 push-ups.

e). 25 side leg extensions for each leg.

f). 25 front leg extensions for each leg.

g). 25 back leg extensions for each leg.

h). 25 push-ups.

i). 100 jumping jacks.

j). 25 push-ups.

k). 100 jumping jacks.

l). 25 push-ups.

m). Flat on my back I bring my knees to my chest 25 times.

n). Flat on my back I cross my arms across my chest and raise my back three inches off the ground in a modified sit-up.

o). 50 torso twists with arm extensions.

p). 50 toe touches.

If you have the money, a home StairMaster unit or a good, strong, treadmill would work great in place of an outdoor PowerWalk.

Don’t feel overwhelmed if you can’t finish all the exercises. Start small. Go slow. Do one-quarter of what I’ve set out here and then add another quarter back every two weeks to help your body build stamina for the workout.

EATING

Calories
I don’t count calories, but I do try to stay away from known high fat content foods like French Fries and Donuts. I do, however, count Fiber because Fiber pushes out all the bad stuff so it doesn’t sit within you seeping toxins and residual fat into your body from your bowels. I try to get at least 20-30 grams of fiber a day. That’s tough to do in America because most foods you find here are not high in fiber. This is my diet. It may not work for you. Work with your doctor to find a program that will fit your health needs best.

Breakfast
8 oz. glass of sugarless Metamucil = 3.6 grams of Fiber

2 slices of stone ground 100% whole wheat toast = 4.4 grams of Fiber

Thin spread of imitation butter with no Trans-Fatty Acids (I like Brummel & Brown)

2 tablespoons (one for each slice of bread) of an all-natural, sugarless fruit jelly (I like Sorrell Ridge)

Big Glass of Water

Lunch
Banana = 3 grams of Fiber

Big Glass of Water

Snack
If I’m hungry, I’ll drink a V-8 = 2 grams of Fiber

Sometimes I’ll have some mixed nuts here or earlier with my banana.

Big Glass of Water

Dinner
Salad = 1 gram of Fiber

97% lean meat (ham, porkchop, turkey, etc. I like Louis Rich and Hormel)

Veggie (corn, peas, lima beans) = ~4 grams of Fiber.

Big Glass of Water

Evening Snack
8 oz. of Prune Juice = 2 grams of Fiber.

Big Glass of Water

Bland But Buff
As you can see, this is a pretty bland diet and it doesn’t have any dairy, but it gets me 20 grams of fiber without too much of a bulky, fatty, calorie count. I’m slimmer and fitter than I’ve ever been in my life. The key to staying on this course of action is to decide that you want to be thin. That mindset will help push you over the cravings and temptations to cheat and eat a donut or skip your PowerWalk. “I want to be thin” is the gentle reminder that sets your goal every moment you speak it and think it.

The Prune Juice is actually my highest calorie ingestion of the day at 180 calories per 8 oz serving but its benefits outweigh the calorie count — it softens and enlivens everything on its way out in the morning!

Dinner is the variable. Sometimes Janna wants to go out to eat. Sometimes we want Taco Bell or Pizza Hut or a steak or fast food. Sometimes I want a donut! I just make a point of eating half of what I would usually eat and I’m fine. If I’m worried the meal didn’t get me enough Fiber, I’ll down a glass of Metamucil when I get home.

If I get the munchies, I chew a piece of Trident Bubble Gum. Blowing bubbles takes my mind off my hunger.

I also take two GNC Mega Men vitamins a day (to fill in any mineral or vitamin gaps missing in my diet) along with a single aspirin (for my heart) and one Garlique garlic pill (to battle cholesterol). I take all these pills with my dinner since they can cause flushing or gas if taken with water alone.

I also meditate for ten minutes three times a day. That helps cleanse my mind and re-focus my life from above rather than below.

I’m thinking if I follow this routine for a month I might start seeing some results.