Corinne's Blog

Two years ago during that last time that I lived at home with my mother and siblings, it used to be that every week we would be visited by a family therapist named Rudy Rousseau.

Rudy was mainly set in place by my mother to help us children deal with all the terribly damaging things we’d experienced during our childhoods.

It was during one of Rudy’s family therapy sessions that I believe I first really thought of Craig as someone more than just a friend. I remember still living at our house at 32nd and DuPont Ave in South Minneapolis and standing in the kitchen  trying to explain to Rudy and my mother why I thought that I would one day be traveling the world. I told them that I wanted to see the different parts of the world because before I’d been to Greece I’d thought that the whole world was only what I was seeing in Edina, Minneapolis and St.Paul (occasionally). My Idea of a vacation at the time until going to Greece was the whole family piling into my mother’s dodge stratus and traveling to Chicago. I told my mom and Rudy that day while standing in that kitchen I especially wanted to visit my penpal and friend Craig who lived in Scotland. My little sister teasingly said “your boyfriend” and I went on and on about how Craig was ‘just a friend’. It is funny because to this day I can still remember the thoughts that were running through my mind…what if Craig was my boyfriend? If Craig isn’t my boyfriend why do I chat with him more than I did Jason? Why do we spend all night chatting about what feels like absolutely nothing and yet I feel so good being tired at school the next day? Why do I rush home to talk to Craig?

Rudy the family therapist is a person who I would consider a major father figure in my life. He encouraged me to go to Hamline and he has given me many speeches of wisdom over the past few years that have shown me that I should NEVER GIVE UP AS A SMART BLACK YOUNG WOMAN.

I remember him asking me: “If Craig isn’t your boyfriend, why are you blushing so much when we mention him?”…That’s when I knew and that’s when my goals and the way I talked to Craig first began changing. It changed from idol conversation to flirting. (Which I hope to cover a blog on later)

Anyway, The reason I share this is because therapy for me has helped me come to some of the most interesting and amazing discoveries that have helped shape my path toward a happy and stress free future.

Therapy was a place where I could focus on the good things in life and think about how I could make them better instead of dwelling on the bad things.

I’ve found healing in sharing my feelings with others confidentially and I discovered that I love being open and honest with people about how they make me feel and how I react to them.

If a person is bothering me I’ve found that because of therapy I’ve been able to voice my opinions to them in a appropriate and proper manner.

I don’t keep my feelings bottled up as much as I used to and I don’t become as depressed as I used to be because I get all of my feelings out and let them go.

Recently I’ve been going through a lot of problems physically, mentally and financially. I’ve been forced to move back home to my mother’s house after two years of living independent of rules made by a parental unit.

I’m not back in my childhood home because my family has moved from

>32nd & DuPont Ave South Minneapolis

to >1003 Olson Memorial Hwy North Minneapolis

to>6411 Olympia Street Golden Valley

to my families current address at >311 Penn Ave North Minneapolis

That makes the total amount of moves that my family has made in the last 3 years 4 moves in 3 years. Pretty much a move every summer three summers in a row during vital years of my development and educational transitions.

This is not including the moves I made personally from

Olympia Street to —> Camp in Annandale MN to —>My dorm room in St.Paul MN to —> Theta Chi Fraternity to —> 1901 Logan Ave Minneapolis MN back to a different home at —> 311 Penn Ave Mpls MN

meaning that I have to add four moves to the four moves I’d already made. Making 8 moves that I’ve made in 3 years. It is said that after 1 move a child can develop problems functioning…but after 8 a person can go Crazy.

Sadly this time around Rudy doesn’t come every week to give me and my family personal therapy. I see Rudy every once in a blue moon when my mother invites him over to talk to us kids about things that she knows she can’t talk to us personally about without creating more stress. Rudy being around for my family is like during circle time in elementary school and having the ‘talking ball’ Rudy is like the ball because when he is around people wait their turns and we are at peace with each other for a little while during the chaos. We respect each other.

This time around though since there was no Rudy I have found that I’ve needed to discover different outlets to get my feelings and emotions out…to tell MY SIDE OF THE STORY.

If you look at the title of this Blog which I have titled “Blogging Therapy” you can see that the main outlet I’ve discovered to help me vent and get things off my back has been my Blog. I use my blog like a journal and I share my thoughts and feelings. I know that unlike in therapy blogging is in no way confidential but, I feel that I want people to get to know the real honest me.

I think the blogging does all the same things that therapy does…it lets you have a place that is unbiased to talk about things and get them all cleared up in your head. It doesn’t rush you and it has no opinion for or against you. It simply lets you tell your side.

I like blogging better than therapy from a therapist sometimes because I feel that when I am typing my brain can keep up with what my mind is thinking. When I am trying to speak I think of brilliant things to say but they never come out the way I want them to because my mouth feels it can’t keep up with my brain. My voice online is often stronger than my voice in person..which many people have begun to learn and read about me.

I can type a heck of a story but ask me to tell you one and you’ll get a stuttering fool. Sometimes while I am typing I have trouble finding the right words like when I’m trying to communicate verbally but the problems are much fewer and farther between.

Blogs don’t talk back and give you advice…that can be a good thing and a bad thing. It is a good thing because sometimes I don’t want advice and I just want someone or ’something’ to just sit and take the time to listen…and if on blog someone else happens to come across it and read it, there is always the option for them to leave me their opinions which I do value and take into consideration. It is bad because the opinions I may get on a blog are not often expert opinions and they may lead me astray but also sometimes I might want help with something and not get it.

Blogging can be bad because a therapist may tell you something that you don’t want to hear but that you NEED TO HEAR. When with blogging a person can pick and choose what advice they want to take…self advice is not always good advice.

Blogging helps me find a platform and yell from the virtual rooftops when at home I might be yelling but with all the noise no one is bound to hear my cries for help over their own yelping.

I can say anything that I want on a blog…even though I try to practice digression and even though there are a lot of things that I know I wouldn’t be able to share on my blog without seeking permission from other parties involved…I still free enough on my blog to talk about things I want and need to talk about. Just like in therapy when my therapist asks me: So, how has you life been and where is it taking you? What are you doing with your life that makes you sad, happy, confused, etc.?

I was sitting and look at my boyfriend’s blogs and my blogs and I’ve found blogs to be a positive medium…it is said that if you write it they will read it.

Even though my blogs are gigantic and often spiritual and highly technical I feel that anyone who took the time to read them could get to know me as a person and could get to know the way I think and look at life.

Blogging for me has become the new therapy that is calming me down and relieving my stress. I can rant and rave on my blog and it will do nothing but just sit there and store it all in. The Blog has become my Rudy and I don’t have to worry about how I will refresh my spirits, vent and heal.

LONG BLOG SHORT…BLOGGING IS THERAPEUTIC.

Warning:

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?

This Girl needs to lose some weight.
So I’ve decided to try something new for awhile to see if I can lose a few pounds in a month.

It is a diet and exercise routine developed by a man named David Boles.

Here’s how it goes:

EXERCISE

Six Days a Week
At minimum you should try to do the following exercise routine three times a week. After a year and a half I’m up to six days a week, but I started my entire exercise regime by simply going to the park and walking around its perimeter once a day. On Sunday, I only do the Modified Aerobics Routine. I don’t want to push my body beyond its limits and having a “day off” from the PowerWalk does help stave the inevitable boredom that can set in with such a strict routine.

30 Minute PowerWalk
In the morning I walk as fast as I can without stopping. At the end of the walk, I stop by the grocery store and pick up the day’s dietary needs and then I walk it all home in shopping bags that weigh an average of 10 pounds on each arm. I’m worn out when I arrive home. I’m sweaty. My hands have been cut by the plastic bags. My arms ache. I feel great!

Be certain that you walk for 30 minutes. Don’t walk by distance alone. The important thing is to get your heart moving in its prime exercise zone for as long as possible and the stronger you get, the more stamina you build up, the more miles you’ll be able to cover in 30 minutes. When you start out for the first time it might take you 30 minutes to go around a single block. That’s good! Your heart is getting a fine workout. Time is important. Distance is not. As always, check with your doctor before starting any exercise routine.

Modified Aerobics Routine
I do this routine at night as fast as I can… and it takes me 7 minutes. This is super-low impact so it won’t hurt joints. If your knees begin to hurt, don’t move your legs as far apart during the Jumping Jacks.

a). 100 jumping jacks.

b). 25 deep knee bends.

c). 25 side leg extensions for each leg.

d). 25 front leg extensions for each leg.

e). 25 back leg extensions for each leg.

f). 25 push-ups.

g). Flat on my back I bring my knees to my chest 25 times.

h). Flat on my back I cross my arms across my chest and raise my back three inches off the ground in a modified sit-up.

i). 50 torso twists with arm extensions.

j). 50 toe touches.

Bad Weather
If it is snowing or raining outside or if I can’t get out to walk, I do the following full aerobics routine and this takes 30 minutes to complete with 60 second breaks between steps if I start to get winded:

a). 100 jumping jacks.

b). 25 deep knee bends.

c). 100 jumping jacks.

d). 25 push-ups.

e). 25 side leg extensions for each leg.

f). 25 front leg extensions for each leg.

g). 25 back leg extensions for each leg.

h). 25 push-ups.

i). 100 jumping jacks.

j). 25 push-ups.

k). 100 jumping jacks.

l). 25 push-ups.

m). Flat on my back I bring my knees to my chest 25 times.

n). Flat on my back I cross my arms across my chest and raise my back three inches off the ground in a modified sit-up.

o). 50 torso twists with arm extensions.

p). 50 toe touches.

If you have the money, a home StairMaster unit or a good, strong, treadmill would work great in place of an outdoor PowerWalk.

Don’t feel overwhelmed if you can’t finish all the exercises. Start small. Go slow. Do one-quarter of what I’ve set out here and then add another quarter back every two weeks to help your body build stamina for the workout.

EATING

Calories
I don’t count calories, but I do try to stay away from known high fat content foods like French Fries and Donuts. I do, however, count Fiber because Fiber pushes out all the bad stuff so it doesn’t sit within you seeping toxins and residual fat into your body from your bowels. I try to get at least 20-30 grams of fiber a day. That’s tough to do in America because most foods you find here are not high in fiber. This is my diet. It may not work for you. Work with your doctor to find a program that will fit your health needs best.

Breakfast
8 oz. glass of sugarless Metamucil = 3.6 grams of Fiber

2 slices of stone ground 100% whole wheat toast = 4.4 grams of Fiber

Thin spread of imitation butter with no Trans-Fatty Acids (I like Brummel & Brown)

2 tablespoons (one for each slice of bread) of an all-natural, sugarless fruit jelly (I like Sorrell Ridge)

Big Glass of Water

Lunch
Banana = 3 grams of Fiber

Big Glass of Water

Snack
If I’m hungry, I’ll drink a V-8 = 2 grams of Fiber

Sometimes I’ll have some mixed nuts here or earlier with my banana.

Big Glass of Water

Dinner
Salad = 1 gram of Fiber

97% lean meat (ham, porkchop, turkey, etc. I like Louis Rich and Hormel)

Veggie (corn, peas, lima beans) = ~4 grams of Fiber.

Big Glass of Water

Evening Snack
8 oz. of Prune Juice = 2 grams of Fiber.

Big Glass of Water

Bland But Buff
As you can see, this is a pretty bland diet and it doesn’t have any dairy, but it gets me 20 grams of fiber without too much of a bulky, fatty, calorie count. I’m slimmer and fitter than I’ve ever been in my life. The key to staying on this course of action is to decide that you want to be thin. That mindset will help push you over the cravings and temptations to cheat and eat a donut or skip your PowerWalk. “I want to be thin” is the gentle reminder that sets your goal every moment you speak it and think it.

The Prune Juice is actually my highest calorie ingestion of the day at 180 calories per 8 oz serving but its benefits outweigh the calorie count — it softens and enlivens everything on its way out in the morning!

Dinner is the variable. Sometimes Janna wants to go out to eat. Sometimes we want Taco Bell or Pizza Hut or a steak or fast food. Sometimes I want a donut! I just make a point of eating half of what I would usually eat and I’m fine. If I’m worried the meal didn’t get me enough Fiber, I’ll down a glass of Metamucil when I get home.

If I get the munchies, I chew a piece of Trident Bubble Gum. Blowing bubbles takes my mind off my hunger.

I also take two GNC Mega Men vitamins a day (to fill in any mineral or vitamin gaps missing in my diet) along with a single aspirin (for my heart) and one Garlique garlic pill (to battle cholesterol). I take all these pills with my dinner since they can cause flushing or gas if taken with water alone.

I also meditate for ten minutes three times a day. That helps cleanse my mind and re-focus my life from above rather than below.

I’m thinking if I follow this routine for a month I might start seeing some results.