It’s been about four or so months since Craig has broken up with me, and in these last four or so months my life has taken on a completely different rhythm. At times the paths I take are sad ones and I find myself going back to the old good times and regretting that I ever began a relationship with Craig in the first place because it resulted in a lot of pain.
Part of Craig’s efforts to get over me was to erase me from his life completely. He cut me off and cut all ties. This was a drastic and devastating way for him to go about things and I feel that he was selfish in this act as he was all the acts of our relationship. I know personally I would have had a better time getting over the relationship if Craig had let me go slowly and had given me time for acceptance and a time to say goodbye. (But that’s a whole different can of worms)
It’s strange how a person can simply cut you out of their life like that, now I have a small feeling of how my father might have felt when his family didn’t want him around anymore as if he was cramping our style.
I’ve learned though through this experience that some things are for our own good even if we don’t want them.
My personal strategy for coping wasn’t as blunt and brutal. Personally I spent some time slowly depriving myself of the things in life that reminded me of Craig. Recently I’ve begun reintroducing those things back into my life again.
It’s amazing how much of my life I changed because I couldn’t stand the pain that came along with doing those things.
Like accents for instance, whenever I was around a person with an accent I made a point of walking away.
Some musical groups I have yet to remember that I listened to, and in hearing those groups again I am reminded of how Craig influenced my soul and infused himself into my style.
Still today I like things that I know Craig would like and I pursue things happily that I wouldn’t have had Craig not changed me. Like ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ Signs being a part of interior design and trendy…and anything having to do with making your office or living space more functional or zen…all those things I tend to associate with my life-time with Craig.
I stopped watching some of my now favorite television shows because I was introduced to them by Craig or we spent a lot of time watching the episodes together…such as Fringe, Firefly, Dr.Who and How I met your mother. I got tired of making fun references to the shows in my everyday life and not having anyone around me understand them like Craig would.
I adopted the likes and interests of many of the people who I coexist with in my everyday life, like people from my church and my house mates. I started experimenting with different kinds of music and a different way to dress in order to discover a new style that could be uniquely my own. I tried new foods and went out with a different kind of crowd entirely so I could see if I was capable of doing so. I got drunk in public and I got fun and I shared myself with people. I tried to be genuine in everything I did and I felt good knowing that I could shout from the rooftops that I am a Christian without having anyone put me down for living under a belief system like Craig did…often though I might make the excuse that it was indirect and unintentional.
It’s strange that I speak about Craig now because I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t talk about him all that much because it spawns a strange hatred for humanity in me that I don’t feel is of a Godly disposition. I’ve had a few talks now with my mother and a woman named Julie from my congregation where they told me that my being so honest and open is a bad thing for me because It shows that I have no control over my emotions and that I have a hard time showing digression. I feel that that is untrue about me…I will never tell a secret on my blog if it is told to me…most secrets I forget a matter of hours after I get them because I feel it is useless to gossip. I will never betray anyone I love and who trusts me. I will always tell the truth even if it hurts, and I will be real and open and truthful about how I am feeling even when it makes me look immature and irresponsibly. Consider me to be A star sapphire on the emotional spectrum and quick to anger. (Chris’s influence)
I think I bring Craig up now because I yesterday I was able to spend some time with the Ex boyfriend of my best friend Heidi, Nate.
It sounds a bit strange that I am now really good friends of my best friends ex boyfriend only now after they’ve broke up but certain factors have changed in both our lives that made it easier for us to relate to one another and bond on different levels…we came together to support each other because we needed each other. And the universe brings strange people into your life to be guardians and comforters(Like Jake Babcock, Ian Morris and Vincent Rumfelt.)
Nate and I were both in interestingly dysfunctional long term relationships where the warning signs were everywhere. Nate and I both decided to work through our problems in our relationships because we both felt that in our relationships the bad could be worked through to get to the good. My philosophy was that relationships were hard work and people don’t have to like each other all the time but they could still love each other. In Nate and Heidi’s relationship things were ended mutually after four years and Nate claims that he could see the warning signs coming from a mile away and that he allowed his breakup to happen because he was ready for it to end when my personal relationship was only half that time and I had no clue the end was coming and I wasn’t prepared for it whatever…but the tall tale signs were there and now that I think about it I should have seen them.
The thing that both Nate and I struggle with is that when we were in our relationships we were both blinded by the love we had for our former significant others and because of that we put up with a lot of (forgive my french) Crap that we didn’t deserve.
Nate and I hung out and we talked about relationships and why and how people have the ability to grow stronger from them. We talked about finding our 2nd true loves in life and we pondered if life was actually cruel enough to leave us old and alone.
Both Nate and I have pretty much the same goals and aspirations about what we’d like to find in the next person we decide to commit our time and ourselves to. We talked about what we personally needed to work on when we were in our relationships…our problems that contributed to the dysfunction.
Nate told me that Heidi had shaped him into a certain kind of person yet that he’d learned that he was the person before she was around and that he became a better person because he was able to share that part of himself with her.
So I thought about my Deprivation and about myself at fourteen when I first started chatting with Craig. I thought about the person I may have become had he not been there to help, guide and make me want to be a better person.
And I stopped depriving myself from the things in life that made me happy…and surprisingly they didn’t hurt.
Catching up on my Fringe Season 3 today was a blast and it didn’t hurt me. I wondered to myself why I’d missed such a great show over something so small as to the fact that Craig and I used to watch and talk about the show all the time.
And I listened to The Bird and the Bee again and OKGo…staples of my Scotland soundtrack.
And I’m working on my killing my clingyness so I can have a productive relationship without smothering Whoever I end up with.
I am ending my ex boyfriend deprivation and I’m finding more of myself in the new blend of my old likes and new likes.
Metalcookie
Who?