Corinne's Blog

I haven’t been blogging at all this last month and I think it’s because I’ve been so busy, or maybe because I’m currently sitting on 333 comments and it’s such a pretty number that I don’t want to make people comment more ;p.

Anyway there are a number of topics I’d like to cover and this is going to be the first of about seven new blogs talking about what’s going on in my life.

First off I’d like to write about the fact that everything is turning out the way it needs to even though I personally never saw it all coming about this way.

I had been praying for a really long time that I’d be able to keep my job working with Minneapolis Kids over the summer. I was informed at the beginning of March that Minneapolis kids wouldn’t have any hours available for me to work and that my job would be ending in June. I was weighing my options and applying for different Summer jobs when my house mate Scott told me about available positions in Alaska at a local fish packing plant. The reason I was even considering the plant is the fact that it would mean my receiving almost three grand for working a short six weeks.

I needed the money in order to go back to school and pay my rent over the summer.

Going back to school was important because I wouldn’t be able to get benefits and aid through my work until I became permanent, on top of that I’d be able to get a pay raise. One reason why I’m not already permanent staff at Burroughs is because I’m missing my college credits to qualify. So I needed to get back into school! Taking this last semester off was necessary for me money wise but put me further behind in getting into the MCTC nursing program.

I had a lot of pre-nursing classes I still had to take that I wanted to take over the summer.

If I’d be working at the plant I’d need to find someone to sublet my place while I was gone and I’d also need to come up with a means of taking care of my belongings while I was gone. I wanted to go to school over the summer because i’d skipped the Spring semester and I had prerequisite classes to make up, going to Alaska would have made that impossible.

Alaska became my last resort because I wanted to look at all my options before I jumped into a job that put me behind for applying for the nursing program next Spring.

So I prayed to God to help me figure out a summer job for me that would be flexible and help me pay my summer rent. Any job was better than no job at all, I also prayed that I’d be able to return to school at least by the fall but preferably this Summer.

It wasn’t even a week ago that my boss Colleen called me into the office and told me that a position had opened up on the staff for a 7-11am shift. She told me that she didn’t want to lose me next Fall for the school year after losing me over the Summer because I was one of the best staff members she had. She also told me that she loved the work I’d done with the kids and was looking forward to seeing what I was able to do over the summer. I was so happy about the shift because it meant that I’d be able to keep my job over the summer! I was even more happy to hear that it was a solid 4 hour shift and not a split shift like I’d worked last summer and over the school year. In the split shift i’m in already I work from 7:15-9:15 and 3:15-5:45. Split shifts make planning things in the middle of the day difficult. Everyday in the midday makes me feel like I’m still at work and that I’ll have to be returning to work any minute, like I’m on a long lunch break.

So God clearly answered one of my prayers in working out work for me.

On top of that and weeks earlier  God had answered another one of my prayers.

Before I had been offered the job I was still trying to figure out how I was going to pay off my debts to MCTC if I was going to be returning to school in the fall. If I was going to Alaska i’d need to find extra rent money before leaving and money didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere.

So I was in a huge debate with myself go to Alaska and work, and almost lose my place to live…or stay at home and work (to keep my room) and not pay off MCTC till I find the money.

I did my taxes and everything seemed to be getting clearer.

After my refund money had come in from my 2010 taxes I had originally thought that my Summer rent problems were fixed…I’d pay my rent off my tax money and I’d live off nothing for the summer, come Fall I’d pray that they’d offer me my job back at which point I’d pay MCTC and get back into school.

Those were my original thoughts, i realized that i’d still need to find a summer job to be able to afford to pay off my debts at MCTC and return to school because in the fall i’d still be making the same money I make now which was only enough to take care of my rent…I needed extra money on top of my tax refund money that would only cover Summer rent.

My mom advised me not to sit on the money I’d gotten from my taxes. She told me that I should just pay my debt off to MCTC right off and she promised me that she’d help me pay for the summer rent that I’d be losing. At the time I hadn’t yet been offered my summer position so I was simply planning to go to school and live off the remainder of my tax money. Alaska was out of the picture.

So I paid off my debt to school for the fall semester 2010 and registered for Summer classes 2011.

Luckily I was blessed that my boss then offered me the 7-11am shift because I was registered to be in school from noon till 7pm already.

So to make a long story short.

I don’t need to worry about summer rent anymore because I am keeping my regular job over the summer only with different hours than I had over the school year which is good because they are in the morning and give me my whole afternoon free for personal things and school.

I am going to be able to go to school because I used my taxes money to pay my debt to school and get the hold off my account and I registered for classes for afternoons in the summer.

So I’ll be working mornings and going to school afternoons…I have no debts or worries about rent.

Now to write about my social life…

Since the beginning of last summer I’ve been working for a program called Minneapolis Kids. Minneapolis Kids is a before and after school program for children K-6th grade and there are a couple of preschool age 4s explorer groups that are also available for younger children. Pretty much most of the children at my work are of an elementary school age. At work it is my responsibility to provide quality child care for the children before and after school. During my day I do art projects, play games, read, help children with homework, accompany children during recess and I am in general an example of good behavior and someone that the children can look up to. Minneapolis Kids has been one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. Outside of my commute to and from work everyday my job is extremely fulfilling and fun. I feel that I’ve established friendships with the students and it’s been fun watching them grow and to be involved in helping them learn.

Recently though sadly I was informed that I may not be able to keep my job coming up this upcoming summer. Last Summer staff members were in demand at my school but this summer because of the newly hired staff at my site that are employed under the tier system as tier 1 snd tier 2 employees and with the limited available hours I am not guaranteed any hours for this next summer. I will be needed again come fall but for the summer I will be unemployed. This is terrible because Minneapolis Kids is currently my only job and it’s been the only way I’ve been able to pay off my rent these last few months.

Without my job I will lose my place to stay also.
I’ve been recently beginning my search for a new job though I will totally hate to leave Minneapolis Kids this next summer.

The only thing that’s helped me feel calmer about the whole situation is a passage that Peter Park sent me in a facebook message. The passage is from Matthew chapter 6 verses 25-34 The passage is able anxiety…and reading it helps me remember that everything is in God’s hands ultimately. Not that I’m not looking for a job still…I am but, this helps me put things into perspective.

Matthew 6:25-34 (English Standard Version)

Do Not Be Anxious

25(A) “Therefore I tell you,(B) do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26(C) Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.(D) Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his(E) span of life?[a] 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you,(F) even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you,(G) O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For(H) the Gentiles seek after all these things, and(I) your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But(J) seek first(K) the kingdom of God and his righteousness,(L) and all these things will be added to you.
34(M) “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I‘m praying that I can find a good summer job soon, that will also allow me to return to school to finish my generals for nursing.

Many people know that this year I am not going to Hamline University. I’d like to be able to enroll there everyday…not because they have what I’m looking for, but because when I was there I felt like I was part of something greater than myself.

I was part of a sisterhood and it made me feel like a member of a life long family.

The hardest part about leaving Hamline University was leaving my sisters at Delta tau sorority, they always gave me people to talk to and go out with and they gave me something to do on Sunday nights…I wanted to be president of the sorority one day and I could see myself growing old knowing these women.

I feel that I’ve let my sisters down this past year. I thought at first that I’d be returning for a second year at Hamline but because I couldn’t afford it I decided that I’d take a semester off of Hamline and try to raise some money to go back.

During the time that I was trying to find a good well paying job to be able to afford Hamline again, the prospect of my moving to Scotland came up and my focus completely changed from…being back in school with my sisters to being with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with, Craig. I know at the time I was being really spontaneous and that I put a lot of pressure on Craig. And I know that it wouldn’t have been easy for me to start again in a new country and a new school without missing my sisters.

As most know Scotland didn’t end up working out, because I got deported when I got to England…the UK didn’t even give me a chance. And because of that I didn’t end up going to school in the UK either, and I ended up simply getting a summer job and trying to find my feet again. I could have gone to my sisters then and asked them for their support. I could have reapplied to Hamline but the cost for me to attend would still be too much for me and education at Hamline wasn’t what I saw myself doing anymore.

I loved the environment at Hamline but I felt that Hamline had forgotten about me.

As crazy as this is, as soon as I left Hamline everyone there didn’t seem to remember that I existed, so I decided to let them go.

I didn’t attend any events because I was nervous that they wouldn’t accept me as their sister anymore. At first I was actually busy working, I needed to raise money to get back to Hamline, then I was busy working because I needed to raise money to get to Scotland and then I was just nervous and scared at what it would be like to go to an event and meet all the new sisters.

I also still owe money to Theta Chi for summer rent and I feel terrible about it, especially because I still don’t have it now.

I want to go back to Hamline to be an active member in the sorority again but right now I’ve started a completely new career path.

I’ve started a nursing program and the last I checked Hamline University doesn’t offer any support in the medical field. They do not have any nursing classes and I feel like I’d be good in nursing. Already I’ve started my clinicals to become a nurses assistant and I’ve come out of them with flying colors.

I wish I had an excuse as to why I haven’t been by DT since I left…I’m nervous and scared that I’ve lost them as friends. But I still feel like they are my sisters and I love and care for them all. I’ve been watching them…kind of from a distance in a non creepy outsider way…wishing that I could be at their parties and outings…wishing that I had those moments back that made me feel like I was actually part of the college life. MCTC isn’t like college to me because I don’t feel like I’m a part of it all, there is no real campus to be a part of.

I want my sisters back and I’m considering trying to take a class or two at Hamline part time while I’m working at my sciences pre-nursing so that I can become an active Delta tau member and be a part of it all again, even though it will probably cost me an arm and a leg.

Spring semester at MCTC is coming up and so is Spring semester at Hamline. I’m wondering if I’ve completely severed my ties with Hamline or if they’d still welcome me back with open arms.

And then there’s always Craig…He’s still waiting on me to come to him, I know he’s not willing to give up anything in his life to come to me…and I’ve accepted that and I’m willing to sacrifice my life here in Minnesota to be with him…one of us would eventually have to anyway.

I still want to be with my sisters, and I still want to be a nurse and I still want to be with Craig in Scotland.

I’m conflicted about what steps in life I should be taking.

Monday-Friday: 7:15-9:15am AND 3:15-5:45pm at MPLS Kids

Monday -Sunday: Have Collin and Caylie

Starting Sept 14th: 4:30-9:00pm Nurses Aide Classes.

Sunday Mornings: Church

Sunday Nights: Life Group

Tues, Thurs at 7:00pm & Sundays at 3:30pm : Personal Training with Von Gillette.

Where is my schedule going?….Down the pooper.

What is am I going to do? I’m way overbooked and stretched way too thin.

For the last 3 weeks I’ve been working my butt off for a family in the Kenwood Neighborhood who are filthy rich. The problem is that their money has seemed to corrupt the way they look at people and value people. They paid me next to nothing and expected me to do everything to perfection with no encouragement, incentive and constantly having them behind my back repeatedly telling me how to do things that I already knew how to do.

I wasn’t allowed to complain about the work I had to do because the first time I’d said anything about the work I’d been “told on” by the nanny.

Funny enough though, every time I usually shared with the nanny it was her who was asking me something.
After that I was told that I wasn’t allowed to socialize or talk to anyone during the hours that I was work…which was 8 hours a day 5 days a week…40 hours a week of not talking to anyone could drive a person crazy.

I was told that if I was caught complaining that I’d be fired.

Well I was supposed to be put in charge of the meals. I was happy about this part of my job because cooking is something I enjoy doing that I do very well. Yet, when I was constantly shadowed by the lady of the house Janel Goff (which is quite annoying, stressful, and hard to deal with) I asked her politely if since cooking was in my job description and because they’d given me that responsibility, I asked that she let me be in charge of making the food and I asked that she give me control in the kitchen when it was my time to cook, instead of her thinking that I am not doing things right instead of doing them her way.

Asking her this must have made her feel that I was trying to overrule her command because the next day Brian came to me and told me that he and Janel didn’t want me making meals anymore, and they had discussed it before they went to bed. They had decided to punish me by taking away the one thing that I enjoyed during the day.

When I worked on Labor Day while the rest of America’s working population was off, I asked for time and a half which was fitting. But, my employer Brian Goff told me that I couldn’t get it because the day I moved into my small 2 bedroom apt and still worked a half a day in the house, I’d been paid for a full day.

When I told Brian that I might want to take up an afternoon job because what he was paying me was so low, he told me…okay sure since you aren’t doing dinner now you can work till 5:30pm and start you babysitting in the afternoons. I didn’t know that the hour that he’d decided to let me off early for would cost be my 2nd daily break time.

I got off an hour earlier because I sacrificed my own free time…like when a teacher takes away minutes at recess.

I heard that Brian was the kind of man to play tricks like that, not paying people, overworking people, creating contracts that practically enslaved people.

The main reason I was settling at the Goff’s place for only 100$ a week…not including food costs was because I needed a place to stay and I was technically working off my living expenses by working for the family.

I was given my own place to live while I worked for the family, this place was supposed to be treated like an apartment away from the main house. “My own place” I was given a house mate who was also working for the Goff family, their gardener Louie.

The problems that I encountered with this living situation was that Brian felt that even during my break time he could come onto my side of the house and give me orders for what I should be doing later. When I felt that my break time was the only time I could escape from my servitude and relax…that became extremely stressful. Not only that but when I was on break, because the Goff’s didn’t care about anyone but their own selves they had neglected to fix anything in our part of the house…we didn’t have internet, cable, a separate phone line, and for about a week and a half our main plumbing in our kitchen didn’t work and our sinks were clogged. I spent most of my nights going to the local coffee shop with my housemate to go get internet.

One thing that I was extremely grateful of were my weekend off. This was a time that I spent living the life I would be living if I hadn’t been working all the time. I bathed weekends, went and read, went home to visit my mother, attended church and was about to refresh and reset myself and my spirits for the following week. The weekends became a time that the Goff would leave me alone and I would leave them alone. Even though more than once I was called and ‘ordered’ to do something on a Saturday morning.

I am  surprised that it was the acts of this past weekend that got me fired and evicted from the Goff household.

My friend Jimmy was being evicted from his home. I am Jimmy’s primary babysitter of his two small children Collin who is age 4 and Caylie who just turned 2 on Sept 11th. I’ve watched over Collin and Caylie so much since before Collin was even walking that I feel like I have a major hand in how they’ve been raised. They aren’t people i babysit for and get paid for. I watch Collin and Caylie for free because I consider them to be family and like my own children.

Every time I watch the Hines children they have stayed at my place of residence, my mom’s house, my dorm, my friend’s house. I can barely count on two hands how many times I’ve watched the children in their own home.

My mother had agreed to watch the children at Jimmy’s request which usually meant Jimmy would be dropping the children off for me to watch them at my mother house overnight, and have them join us while we attended church the following day. This particular time though my mother did not want to have the kids at her house, my brothers Tyler and Eric this past week had been extremely sick and running high fevers.

Since Collin and Caylie are so young and susceptible to illness and since I’d watched them millions of times before in my places of residence outside of my mother’s house, I agreed to watch the kids at my place. I believed fully that the Goffs would have no problem with who I decided to invite over to “my own” apt and how I would be spending my day off. As a matter of fact, to my understanding the Goff family was out of town in Boston, along with the family nanny Information that I had learned while cleaning an empty house everyday for the week that they were gone (During which time I unpacked and put away the families belongings {belongings that i had no clue where to put}… which they’d left in randomly packed boxes).

Saturday went well, I spent most of it shopping and hanging out running Errands with my mother and the kids. Saturday night the kids slept over after we had tomato soup for dinner, I gave the kids a bath and we watched Ratatouille.

Sunday morning I got the kids dressed for church, fed them cereal for breakfast and got them ready to be picked up by my mother to go to church.

It was while we were standing in the driveway waiting for my mother to pull up that all the drama started Janel…attitude flaring came out of my door and Asked me in a yelling strict tone if I’d been watching kids overnight in “her house”. I said no, I’d been watching kids in my apt. And she says, you aren’t supposed to be allowed to watch children in my house. Then she stormed inside. I continued to wait for my mother in the driveway and  understood the memo that Janel had left as a warning for the future not to watch children at my own place.

Then Brian  stuck his head out the door and told me to come inside because he needed to “talk to me” he was speaking in his official scolding voice like he had when he’d told me that if I complained again I would be fired. I was thinking that maybe he had something to show me that I’d left undone from the previous week. Instead he asked me why I was watching children and i told him who they were and the situation about my mother and the eviction and how Collin and Caylie were my Godchildren and family and how it was my day off and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.

Everything that happened after that was a big blur…I remember Janel coming and joining Brian as they both yelled at me…and I remember janel slapping her hand and palm together threateningly and I remember telling them that I didn’t know they didn’t want me having anyone over EVER. And I remember Janel saying that she didn’t think I was “happy here” and that things just “weren’t working out” and that she thought I was a liar and that she thought that I had been bringing a lot of people over which made it seem like I was having parties. I told them honestly that I didn’t know anything about their policies and that I wasn’t lying and that I was being 100% honest like I try to be all the time.

At one point as I was explaining to Brian why I couldn’t watch the children my my mom’s place she told me that she didn’t want to be “associated with  people like Collin and Caylie’s parents” or “associated with the people I would be bringing around her house” and it made me feel like whoever I would be bringing around would be bringing with them the disease of being unfortunate and less wealthy and that maybe them being around would bring down her family’s good image.

WHAT A BITCH. It was just then that I began crying and telling them that Collin and Caylie were family…if They didn’t want to be associated with ‘those people’ then what was I for being just like them?!

It was my day off and I was not their slave. Brian hearing what his wife was saying tried to correct and take back her words by saying that it was a liability issue…I could understand liability but the words had been said and the REAL Issue was already out to be addressed.

THE WHOLE THING WAS AN ISSUE OF CLASS STATUS.

Rich vs Poor …Face and Self  Worth. I was poor and they were rich and I was paid to serve them.

Brian told me he wanted me out by Wednesday…I told him that I had no where else to go through my tears and I thought that the whole thing was ridiculous because they’d never told me I couldn’t have anyone over.

Since I was hysterical and confused Collin tried to defend me…he kept saying “Brian, Janel…we were just trying to take a nap” and “Janel, why are you being so angry?” and “Corinne, why are you crying like a baby?” I felt terrible because I wanted to run away. I’d never been teamed up on and yelled at by such rude and heartless people.

the children are 2 and 4…what kind of threat do they make?!

I told them that it was all too much for me and that I needed to get to church…Brian said that they’d give me a week and that they’d see where we sat at the end of the next week because he realized that I had dirt against him and his family now that he didn’t want me to share with the world at risk of ruining their perfect image…opps.

I went out to the driveway again still crying and hoping that my mom would show up soon…she was already a half an hour late.

Collin and Caylie were both really upset and crying too because they’d been standing during all the yelling the whole time.

Brian came back outside and told me he didn’t want me waiting for my mother in his driveway and that he wanted me to wait inside for my mother…wait inside and be invisible like all good servants are…I kept thinking to myself. Was I fired? What was going on? Why were they so evil?

I ended up going upstairs to try to call my mom and see where she was it was then that Louie came out to the hallway with the intention to walk his dog Chip. I felt terrible and he asked me what was going on. Louie could barely understand or hear me because he had trouble with his hearing. That was one of the reasons Why I felt so alone during the whole situation…there was no one to be on my side and defend me because Louie was upstairs and couldn’t hear and Collin was just 4 and Caylie was crying and my mom wasn’t around yet.

It was so hard trying to explain the situation through my tears to Louie until finally I hear my mom pull up and told Louie I had to go.

I walked out to the car crying hysterically and my mom saw me and asked already with defenses up what was going on…I tried to tell her and she told me that I should be happy…I felt so hurt and damaged inside because of the way and what Brian and Janel had been saying to me.

Money has Corrupted their hearts to the point where they are not humanly good but simply selfish and rude.

My mom gave me tough love all through church and my crying got so bad that I had to sit out of singing and I had to calm down by watching Collin in the playroom during the service. It was a relief when I finally got to talk to Craig after church and try to explain everything because he made me smile the way he always does. I was kind of in shock and I didn’t want to go back to the house Sunday afternoon. So my mom took me and the kids to the park at Kenwood. It gave me time to think and I was convinced that I needed to get out of that environment as soon as possible…mom took Collin and Caylie from me, instructed me to pack and Jimmy and Sheena Collin and Caylie’s parents came by to help me move everything. They’d finished their unpacking and still had the trailer that they’d been using. I’d tried to explain the situation to them and it only took me telling them that it was my babysitting the kids that started it all that made them hate the Goff’s spirit.

The Goffs are heartless, selfless and arrogant  I have never met anybody like them before and I pray to never encounter or have to work for people Like them ever again.

The Hines helped me move all my things out of the apt and over to my mom’s house. I moved everything into my mom’s house with help of my sister and my mom’s neighbor John. It was 10:30pm when we finished and I looked almost dead from all my exhaustion…I took a shower and joined my mom and CJ as they watched “the state of Play” in the livingroom.

I then went to bed, waking every now and then thinking that I was back in the apartment and that I might have something I still need to get done…work. I thought of all the things I’d left behind and decided to go back to the apartment later today with my mother in tow for support.

I am going to ask for my last week’s check and one weeks severance pay…a total of 200$ I plan to hold my house key hostage until they pay me what they owe me.

And I plan to empty out my fridge.

My mom has set up for me to move into a house with her friend Rhonda and I’m looking for another job. For now I am living at home until Rhonda and I have a meeting to determine my rent. I am happy to have my mother to support me along with many others.

I am truly blessed… At first I thought that my finding a job and a place to live would be my ultimate blessing but now that everything has come crashing down I realize that my moral is that family will always come first and that a little bit of change…can be good.

So Life doesn’t seem to be getting better for me so I’ve decided to make a decision that will drastically change my future.

Because of some problems I had with scheduling last semester and my lack of financial stability Hamline has decided to pull all of my financial aid for the 2009-2010 school year. Not only will I not be able to afford paying for college I won’t have the ability to make even enough to support myself since Hamline on top of that is next year shortening the available student worker positions.

So the decision that I feel that will be best for me right now is to leave Hamline and to go to another school. I feel terrible that I have to make that particular decision but with the current situation of my parents being divorced and my mother moving to a new place and both my parents not in a financial situation to help me out in any way, I feel that I have to take matters into my own hands and do what would be right for me.

I’m moving.
The moving part isn’t as drastic as the where part. I have decided that in a couple of months I will be moving to Scotland, United Kingdom and out of the United States.

Wha?! May be the response many people might make when they see that I have made this decision. Crazy…I thought I would be at Hamline for five years, finish my education degree and THEN move to Scotland…but because of recent financial matters having to do with Hamline an my lack of the funds to pay for such an institution. That’s not happenin’

At twenty years old I feel that I am old enough to be more than able to be  living on my own. I have for over a year and a half now I feel that I am old enough to make such a decision.

It’s is very interesting that I am considering making this move Again when I had planned it before when I was in High school. My plan right after high school was to move to Scotland and go to school there…but I ended up staying to be closer to my family. This past year I’ve realized that my relationship with my family can remain the same regardless of where I am. Even though my mom was recently diagnosed with Cancer I feel that it is important for me to leave now.

A lot of people in my life may be thinking WHY SCOTLAND? well, there are many reason why I could be picking Scotland as my destination to get away from my current life situation and to try to start anew…some of those reasons may be that:

• -I have a significant other in Scotland who is my closest and dearest friend of 6 or so years and who I have been dating for almost a year in Oct.

• -Or that I had gotten accepted into a college in Scotland to study abroad but because of my lack of money to pay for the venture I was unable to go.

• -Or because I feel that moving away from my problems with my family may solve them.

But my reasoning behind the move is much better than that…last year I took a trip to Scotland in order to visit Craig and his family. While I was in Edinburgh Scotland I absolutely fell in love with the City. I feel that traveling to the UK will open up a doorway to the kind of lifestyle I’d like to lead later in life…traveling all around the world and exploring new cultures while I am still young, and happy and physically able to do so.

It has always been my dream to travel the world and I feel that my lack of resources financially as a child made it difficult for my parents to take us kids on vacations. I’ve never been to a tropical island with my family.

Luckily as I got older my mother worked her butt off so that I’d be able to go with my orchestra to such places as Saint Louis and Greece, Germany, Northern Ireland and later to Scotland where I plan to be moving. She gave me a sneak peak at what many people in the United States often find themselves missing out on all their lives. I don’t want to be stuck in America my WHOLE LIFE! I know people who don’t know the world outside their city block and they don’t seem to be striving to make anything more of themselves. I want to see what branch out and be the ambitious social person I’ve always been known to be.

I can’t say that being closer to Craig and his family isn’t a plus in this whole situation. Craig and I have been dating for almost a year it will be a year in October, he is and has been my dearest and closest friend for many years now. His family has become like a family to me. I really appreciate the way his family has taken care of me. Craig’s mom treated me like her own child when I was there and I was lucky that she was able to send me recipes Craig’s favorite dishes before she died because I want to try them out when I get over there. Craig’s dad was a father figure that I  haven’t seen in my own life for many years. Craig’s father is strong and inviting and he always has a great story to tell. I really appreciate how Craig and his dad get along. When I hugged Craig’s dad at the airport as I left Scotland to  head to Ireland he asked me to come back soon. I will always remember that moment :D. Craig’s sister Claire’s being so close in age to both Craig and I have made it easier for me to get to know and like her, she’s awesome at shopping and I hope we can spend more time together when I get there, she is a great friend to Craig while he is living in Dundee and she has a lot of will power and strength that I admire. I’d think that Claire was Craig’s age at times in the way she acts. They are like twins and I love their relationship as siblings.

As for Craig, I love him and being nearer to him could only be a positive thing because six months apart from the one you love is a hard thing to do. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

When I was applying for my Visa I realized everything I had to do in order to make the move as smooth as possible.

the first thing was that i was going to have to determine my goal in going to Scotland. Was I going there to Study, to work or to reside until I wanted to make up my mind on what I wanted to do with my life. Considering my current financial situation being the reason why I needed to withdraw from Hamline University in the first place, I found it very important that I am financially stable before I try applying to another college. So I decided going to Scotland to study right away may not be the best decision. Instead I want to work for awhile and get myself on my feet in the culture and in my new residence. second, I did not want to apply for a Visa and say that I am only going to Scotland to work, because at the moment I do not have a job lined up but I do have a job in the works for later. So I have made up my mind that I am going to Scotland to live.

People keep asking me why I can’t just stay in Minneapolis with my family or in Saint Paul “to live” but I feel that Scotland is the only place where I will be able to find myself and get myself out of the spiritual and emotional funk I am currently in. I am constantly depressed and lonely even though I am constantly surrounded by people. While I’m in school I have become a Hermit who only comes out of my den when I have something to do with members of my sorority or on a class project. I am a very social person and I need attention and I need companionship and friendship and I found no one last year who stuck around me long enough to make a connection that was more than just skin deep and temporary. Even though I will throughly miss my Delta Tau sisters and the members of Theta Chi I know that I will remain friends with them even after I go because the lasting family bonds I’ve made with them and the memories will never fade when I have left. I will make an effort to write and keep in touch with all of them while I am gone, they have truely gotten me through this last year of school.

My relationship with my siblings has gotten progressively worse because I have somewhat of an overbearing mother complex. I was raised in an environment where I often needed to take care of things myself. If I needed to get somewhere I needed to find my own ride. I would stay after school doing any activity that I could get involved in so that I wouldn’t have to go home and deal with the stresses and the hardships of not having any money. I remember going home to a house where there was no running water, gas, or electricity. I wouldn’t invite my friends over because I was ashamed to show them that I was living in a 3 bedroom apt with my mom and three (4 w/ sky) siblings. We would burn candles at night for light and do whatever we had to do to cook and get hot water to bathe and get ready. I remember going to school and doing my hair early in the morning because I couldn’t at home. Because I was raised in that kind of environment I became a more mature female figure in my house. I worked, cooked, and did chores that needed to get done. I provided money for field trips and stayed home to watch over sick children…I even disciplined. It was these acts that separated me from my siblings and created much rivalry between us, during the time that my brother Tyler is supposed to be rebelling against his mother he is rebelling against ME his sister because I have become his mother figure. He no longer takes any orders from my own mother because since she isn’t strong enough to defend herself against my father he feels that she is unworthy of such a position he considers her more of a friends. He feels that he is the real head of the household even though he acts as a boy in a man’s body with anger issues like my father. I feel that I have taken too much from my brother like my mother took and took and took from my father. I am tired of being treated wrong and I feel that the healthiest way for me to escape the drama is for me to leave the equation until Tyler realizes that I am not his mother but I am his sister.

When it comes to Cynthia and Eric I wish i could be a better part of their lives. They are stuck in the middle of something that is bigger than them and I hope I can be a good example for them in telling and showing them that there is a way to get out of it all and to be happy. I think Eric is on his journey to discovering that on his own and I hope that Cynthia isn’t a lost cause. I am following my dreams and the messed up situation that I came out of hasn’t hindered my judgment.

This is one of my main problems because I lacked friends who were willing to venture into Minneapolis to come see me I found that all I would do when my family did have power would be to sit on my computer and chat with the person who has become my best friend Craig. My siblings would treat me life garbage because that was the example my dad left behind as an impression for anybody who helped and supported my mom. Craig got me through some of my hardest times and it was his encouragement that would help me wake up in the morning. He made me feel special and he knows me better than my mother even does. Craig was the reason I began taking pictures and wanting to document as much of my life as possible. I would only write blogs with hope that he would read them. I would only post pictures with hopes that he would see them. It got to the point where I would check to see if he was online every few hours and that my mother would change the password to the computer and give me a bedtime so that I wouldn’t stay up all night talking to him about GOD KNOWS WHAT. Craig became to me my childhood and the only fun I found that I could have.

Yeah, I did plays and got involved in music…but that was only to help me overcome my loneliness.

When I was in Scotland last year everything seemed to be perfect…everyday was an adventure and all the pieces fell into place. Even though I had some hard times {losing me passport for a short time} and feel a tad bit homesick I never felt the loneliness that I’ve felt being at home and being hurt by my brothers and sisters. Or being in school at my dorm and having my own roommate move out on me for no expected reason and then having no one invite or include me in anything. Mel was my only friend in the first semester but even her and I drifted apart. People like Kayla S would be nice to me then would try to spread all of my personal private secrets to everyone.

I looked forward to Sundays because I could go to Church, Church has been my saving GRACE this past semester and has saved me many times from wanting to disappear from the world all together. Singing in church this past year has given me a purpose and people like Mikey Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons have been there to get my back and be there to listen to my rant and hug me when i cry and give me the wisdom that they have I remember Mikey turning to me and telling me some story about him being alone during a church service and I had no clue  what he meant and how it purtained to my loneiness situation but it was the way that he said it that lifted my spirits and gave me hope and put a smile on my face. Jake Babcock was always there to let me rant about how life sucked and he told me ways to make it least suck and Kyle was my spiritual angel who appeared at one of my lowest points spiritually to pick me up. It will be people like them who I will miss the most but it is people like them who I will quote and remember as I make new friendships and trek new pathes.

I need to escape the drama of my father’s situation and how he wants to create a friendship with me even though he has done so much to hurt my mother in the past even though she did what did not only for her children’s betterment but for the betterment of her husband my father as well. She did all she could to offer him opportunities to become a better person…she took therapy, she made us kids take therapy and we realized that we had found closure with ourselves but my dad had refused it. I’ve seen him do wicked unGodly things and I’m not ready to accept him back into my life just yet.

So I am moving to Scotland and it is the best decision that I feel that I’ve made in a long while. Tell me if you think I’m wrong and for what reasons…I’d like to know your opinion on this whole situation.