Corinne's Blog

So you go on an amazing date and at the end of the night you are faced with three dilemma’s caused by some shocking news that you learned while on the date.

The first, is that he has children of his own from a previous relationship.

the second, he was your neighbor once when you were a child and at that time he was going through the first of his two previous marriages.

And 3 is the terrible age different between us.

Should I date someone older than me?…I don’t think so.

the third, Is that he’s twenty years older than yourself.

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The Great things are that:

>He’s mature

>I can be myself around him

and

>There’s definitely chemistry between us, if there hadn’t been any chemistry I wouldn’t have wanted to kiss him goodnight after our first date and I would have forgotten about him by now. I wouldn’t have texted him or done a google search on him and his band.

In order to commit to any relationship you need to be able to make sacrifices but this is a bit of a hard step to take for myself.

I know there was chemistry because at the end of the night I wanted to kiss him and it seemed that he drove all over the city and never got me home till after 2am.

And I’m good with kids, and I want some of my own…which he is open to.

But, to be someone’s third wife is a hard step.

I have an ear infection and the pain is making me not want to do much of anything but I want my brain to think so I’m going to write a blog as I lay here in my room.

Alright off the top of my head things I’d like to focus on.

-My Birthday came and went and I’m now 22
-I got a new dresser
-I registered for classes for the fall
-We’re getting our kitchen redone
-Dating
-The importance of valuing myself.
-The Novel
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-My Birthday came and went and I’m now 22‘

My birthday was on July third as it is every year. It was a Sunday and after I went to church I was planning on having a birthday party and actually acting like an adult having a sophisticated Pink party. I love the color pink and I feel that themed color parties are really nice and make for fun pictures.

It was fourth of July weekend but I assumed since I’d sent out my invitations so early that a lot of people would show up. I was in denile about the amount of people I would have show based on the amount of people who actually RSVPed in the facebook invite and to me in person.

I knew Peter and Johanna were going on their Baby-moon which is a time before a baby is born where a couple spends sometime enjoying themselves before the new child is born.

I knew that Lucy was sick because he texted me saying that she’d been in for days and sadly couldn’t make it.

Forrest and Amy already had plans.

Matt and Sonja told me at church that because Sonja’s sister Karina was in town they’d probably not be able to make it…I understood and I thought Karina was nice and I liked that she had the same name as I did.

Adam M was going home to Ohio and even though I really enjoy his company during the week I understood that he’d been planning the trip for awhile.

But I assumed that out of the 40+ people I’d invited that some would just show up. I was at least hoping for the attendance of my best girlfriend Heidi and her boyfriend Tom because I would think there would be a certain kind of loyalty there. And I knew for sure that my mom and some of my siblings would be showing.

So I spent all day Saturday cleaning my house and preparing a spread of food for the party.

Tymisha Weimer asked me if I needed her help in anyway…I told her that I needed help with getting more sweet things to my party. I’d bought chips and dip, burgers, hotdogs, things for pizza etc. I just needed some drinks and somethings for my guests to munch on that were sweet…she said she’d take care of that.

I’d gone shopping the day before and had bought 60 dollars in food for the party alone along with a huge watermelon that I had to carry home that weighed almost twenty pounds.

The next day I also made a list of things I still needed to buy such as Brie cheese and more burger buns. I also wanted to make kebobs so I needed to buy steak and veggies for that. So Tymisha agreed to take me out before my party to get those things…

So after church I had all this on my mind to do on my to do list I was so preoccupied that when I was saying farewell to Peter and Johanna who drove me home I actually refused their offer to take me out to lunch because I felt that I had way too much to do and too little time.

When I got into the house I realized that I had much less to do than I’d first thought and I spent my time sweeping and cleaning and I made a welcome sign and I twiddled my thumbs and cleaned dishes and I took a nap and cleaned my room and I washed some laundry…I just did a lot of odd jobs until my friend DeAngelo asked if he could come over and give me my present, he wanted to get my something because he likes me and wanted to impress me I guess. I agreed and he came over and presented me with a ring that was too small and could only fit my pinky and a silver bracelet…both were really sweet.

As soon as Tymisha and Dean arrived Dee told me that he didn’t intend to stay for the party because he didn’t want to be surrounded by people he didn’t know. So he left and Tymisha, Dean and I went to the store and I bought 80 dollars worth more of food and supplies for the grill.

So we went back to my house and started preparing food, I felt like a guest of honor when Dean and Tymisha took over the kitchen and didn’t leave me anything to do. I wanted to help more so I gave myself the task of cleaning veggies.

It was around 7:20 that I first felt nervous that no one else had arrived.

I knew my mom was coming and that Jimmy was coming with the kids but they both had the habit of being late but I’d expected to see more people by 8.

It was around 8:15 when my mom showed up with Jimmy and the Kids and surprisingly that’s all who showed up for the rest of the night.

It was kind of a reality check that the people who I considered to me my friends weren’t worthy of the energy I put into being theirs.

There was a time where Craig was my best friend and I would have given anything to be at his party. But he’s no longer a part of my life and the only reason I thought about him on my birthday was in remembrance of his lovely mother who had passed away on my birthday.

I called Heidi and she told me at first that she was going to someone elses BBQ and wasn’t going to be at my party till later…then I called her again and she told me that she wasn’t feeling well and was sick at home.

I’m not sure how I’m going to feel around Heidi for awhile, she hasn’t been acting like a good friend to me ever since she bought a 150$ toothbrush over paying me for the LA fitness membership we both got ‘together’ that’s under my name.

So when no one showed up I kept getting all these pity looks from my guests because yes, I was sad. And I kept hearing ‘the people who showed up are the ones who really care for you.’ I felt like cancelling the party but I tried to make the best of it.

My sophisticated pink party went out the window when my mother introduced a cheesy pink pinata with the words princess on it…and on top of that no one wanted to do anything but sit around and talk about how terrible my ‘friends’ were for not showing up.

Dean was great and did all the grilling so the food kept coming and it was great.
Tymisha insisted on giving me a makeover and even though it was a little over the top I enjoyed it.
I really liked that my mom bought candy but I’m upset at how Jimmy broke my broomstick in trying to show how he could break it using enough force though I told him not to and the pinata won.
It was nice having the kids around but having Collin and Caylie there once again didn’t make me feel like more of an adult especially since they wanted to play with bubbles and because Collin asked me 1000 times when we could break the pinata.

The karaoke membership I got was never used.
The movie I rented was never watched
No one sang happy birthday to me
The gifts I got weren’t what I’d been hinting at at all but rather some board games I’d asked my mom if she had and could bring over for my birthday guests that never arrived.
Call me ungrateful but I hated it. The concept was totally immature and went out the window plus no one followed through…it wasn’t My day it was just another day where everything I planned went badly.
I appreciate and love the six people who showed up but I don’t want to really have much to do with the people who didn’t for awhile especially the ones I expected would show up like my ‘best friend’ Heidi who didn’t even say anything on my wall until days later and late.

Idk, It just wasn’t what I wanted on my birthday.
There was way too much food and I’m left with it all…140$ worth of hotdogs, hamburgers, chips, dip and watermelon that I’m slowly going through.

I have enough left over sweets to feed an army from what Tymisha left me.

It’s just a little too much to handle and it makes me wonder if i’d have more friends or if life would be different if I wasn’t so uncool and if I had more of a social drinking acting crazy life.

I wonder about what life would be like if I’d decided to venture out of Minnesota for college.
I hope this next year I can make more friends so my 23rd birthday party isn’t so lame.
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-I got a new dresser

My dad is moving to Arkansas because the house he was living in is being foreclosed on…he didn’t pay anything on it and it belonged to a friend of his…he has until the end of the month too move…the 22nd actually I remember him saying and his going to be moving in with relatives in Arkansas because he claims he is incapable of finding a job.
He was getting rid of all the furniture in the house and offered me a dresser, I needed a dresser because mine was broken so I didn’t turn his offer down.

When he came by to drop the dresser off I was embarrassed but I expected to be, his shirt was too small and he kept pulling it down over his big belly. It reminded me of Dr. Watson’s gangster outfit in the Great mouse detective. But I hadn’t expected to get much more than that from him. He doesn’t look healthy and his state of health actually worries me.

The last time I’d seen my father he’d offered me ten dollars which I’d refused and he’d told me to not say that he never tried to give me anything. He carried the dresser up the stairs for me and he told me about a recent trip he’d taken to Arizona. I don’t know how I should have reacted to that it was pleasant to know that his life isn’t all depression and that he wants to kill himself as it one time was.

I really did appreciate the dresser and it fits in my closet perfectly, I had Eric P help me carry the old one down to the garbage last night.

It’s hard to be ashamed of ones father but I hope moving the Arkansas does him well. I hope the next time I hear from him or about him it isn’t because he’s on his deathbed and In anyway that may make me feel guilty for not having a better relationship with him.

I hope that God can find some way to heal my relationship with him so I can figure out who he is as a person. Really I don’t have much of a reason to get to know him outside of that he’s my father. I need some kind of motivation and I don’t want it to be because he’s dying or on his last leg of life and I won’t have any more time to.

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-I registered for classes for the Fall
I had been planning on taking classes this Summer but MCTC screwed up my schedule and because I’m trying to be fluid this Summer and not stress I decided not to worry about it and just apply for school in the fall.

So yesterday I registered for classes and I discovered that it will cost me about 1000$ to take 4 required classes I need as prerequisites for the nursing program. It’s hard to think that if I’d stayed at Hamline that I was would a Senior this next fall. It’s hard to realize that I’m not where I wanted to be at this age or how I imagined myself. I’m not in a bad place because I don’t live at home and I live in a place I enjoy and can afford…it’s just hard to think that I’m not going to be gradating when most of the people I graduated High school with will. I’ll still be a student and I’ll have to wait that much longer to ‘begin my life’ whatever that may be. My aunt Rana keeps trying to encourage me telling me that it won’t make any difference in a few years when I’m making the big bucks where I was at 22 but I’m really feeling it now especially because It feels like the world around me if moving quicker than I am myself.

I really hope that I can get this nursing program done and do well in it so I can afford to buy my own place.

This is my focus, Get school done and maintain my place of living so I can get a good job and be able to afford a nice place, meet a good guy and live comfortably with time to travel the world.

When registering I tried to fit my class schedule around my work schedule according to what it was last year because I’m hoping to get my same school year hours back this upcoming fall.

I’m praying that everything works out for me financially and with my schedule this fall because I know if will be busy with school and work.
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-We’re getting our kitchen redone
The remodeling began on July 5th two days after my birthday and four days ago.
The kitchen is all ripped up and there is dust and wood all over.
I’m excited for the new appliances that have been promised like the dishwasher and the new oven but I’m already annoyed at all the food I have that I can’t cook outside of the microwave. I’m annoyed that it’s hard to have people over and entertain them because the dining room and living room are being used as temporary kitchen areas.
I really hope none of my dishes get lost or broken in this process, Mark’s clearing out the kitchen before he began knocking things down wasn’t in my mind very organized.
I’m hoping that this three to four weeks that they promised for this job can fly by quickly.
I’m annoyed that I have to pay the same amount in utilities I had to before when I can’t use the gas stove, or the water from the kitchen sink, when I can’t run my electric blender and toaster.
I’m praying for patience in this matter when the construction happened at such short notice. Sadly what is started can’t be undone and I must wait out the process.
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-Dating
I have been dating and it’s been quite the adventure.
I don’t understand how men think and I’m frustrated that the guys I like and get along with always have to have some kind of catch to them or loop I must jump through.

For example: I went on a date with a guy named Doug, It went really well and he didn’t pressure me for sex or to kiss him and we went to the park and played Dominoes.
we have been texting and in one of his texts he tells me that he is out with his parents and ‘the kids’. I asked him “what kids?” and “whose kids” and he said “my kids.” which completely changed how I looked at my situation with him. He had told me that he’d be previously married and divorced. He told me that he’d married too young and that he wasn’t ready for it when he had, but he’d never told me that HE HAD KIDS. I’m not really ready to become an instant step mom if Doug and I really do well together, and I don’t want to be shallow and not recognize that he’s a great guy and we get along well…That’s his ‘catch’.

And there’s Thomas, who is always horny and doesn’t know how to ease into things with me…he doesn’t realize that when he’s horny that doesn’t mean that I’m horny.

And there’s Tyler: Who smokes and plays video games all the time and if geeky in the way that I like but he hasn’t really shown much interest in me outside of our first and second dates.

And there’s Jason: Who is older, 35 and I admit that was a shock to me at first but I really hit it off with him and my first date with his was out of this world amazing, a meeting that I’d love to tell my children one day…there was a storm and the power was out at his place, we’d gone out to mexican food and had raced through the rain to get to shelter. So we played cards by candlelight till the power came back on and we watched a great movie and spent the rest of the night better getting to know each other. The chemistry is there, everything is there for me…but he hasn’t called to schedule another date and he seems really busy, he hasn’t told me he’s not interested but he hasn’t told me that he’s interested either. I don’t know what he wants but I really want him to want to spend more time with me. I’m confused because I want him.

And there’s Ben, Who is from Africa and doesn’t know that my saying NO means I’m not interested in him touching me, or sex or him calling me a million times a day. I put him on my reject list on my phone because when I told him NO, he didn’t stop and I felt that my safety was compromised. I’m not a submissive woman that will do whatever I’m ordered and I don’t believe a man has a right to rape take what he wants from a woman. That’s it.

And then their’s DeAngelo, Who seems to like me but also struggles with not knowing when to stop. He says I’m too uptight and that he’ll be patient but I think he’s trying too hard with me. He buys me gifts and I didn’t ask for them…and he expects something in return from me sexually. I’m not for moving as fast as he wants to and he’s too smart for his own good. His thoughts on religion bother me and his wanting to challenge me is annoying. He also has a child from a previous relationship which makes things with him harder…he’s older which makes things harder. I’m not sure where I’d go with him.

None of these men are close to Craig when some of them are way better than Craig was.
I’m trying to figure it out.
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-The importance of valuing myself.
My mom says that I need to focus on ‘doing me’ which I’m trying to do, working and getting back into school. Focusing on my own hobbies and working out…not telling myself that I need a man to be happy.

Yet it’s getting lonely here at the house with nothing to do by myself.
What’s the point in my mom getting my board games for my birthday when I have no one to play them with?

Doing me is annoying and I want to develop more of a social life.
I can support myself financially…that’s doing me.
I can enjoy my job….that’s doing me.
I can take care and maintain myself (getting my hair done tomorrow for example) that’s also doing me.
I know that means that I don’t take a man into my life who doesn’t respect me. I know that’s not taking anything less than what I deserve but…

But what else does that mean?
When Will i know that I’ve gotten where I’ve wanted to in ‘doing me?’

I was recently told that I carry myself with a lot of pose and that I’m super cool and down to earth which are great qualities which I feel are those that a person who has it together possesses…but when do I know I’ve gotten to where I want to be?
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-The Novel
I took a timeout from my novel because it was going so many places that I couldn’t figure out, but now I’m getting back into it and I think I’m going to start frequenting the Open Book Literary art Center to work on it more…because they have good food, air conditioning, a quiet environment and the last time I was there I felt inspired to write twelve pages, that’s a really good sign for me. On top of that there’s a publishing company in the same building which I intend and hope I’ll be able to use in publishing my book. :D

I have no clue WHERE my illustrators have gone and what they are up to…they aren’t responding to my emails which makes me nervous but I’m trying not to worry too much.

I’m just going to get to book done and get it published and make myself some MONEY. My mom has read it and even though she’s my mom I trust her opinion when she says that it’s publishing worthy…I have faith in myself that I can write something that is worth publishing and that is worth having other people read.

That’s it for my update for now.
I’ll write more later.

So I’ve recently been going on a lot of ‘first dates’. None of these first dates have particularly blown me away and not many of them have warranted me begging for a second or third date. Part of my struggle is the quality of the men I am going on the first date with and part of the struggle are my own personal standards and the fact that I feel that I don’t want to lower my high standards to accommodate someone I might not usually be interested in.

I was asked by one guy who recently asked me out on a date if I had any rules or regulations for my first dates and even though I didn’t have them set in stone I had to answer him yes, that I did. I had to admit to myself that I had certain traits I was looking for in a man even though I want to say that I’m not shallow and I accept everyone just the way they are.

So I decided to establish some first date rules based on what I’ve experienced and what I’ve liked about the dating experiences I’ve had.

MY OFFICIAL FIRST DATE RULES (not in any particular order )

First Date Rules

-The man needs to show up

-The man needs to be well dressed and well groomed

-The man needs to be polite and gifts are welcome

-The man should pay or offer to pay

-Chewing Tabacco is not allowed

-Spitting in public unless bodily ill is not allowed

-Proper English must be spoken by both parties

-Cleanliness of Person and Environment is a Must.

-Conversation should be stimulating and led by Male

-Corinne is allowed to be indecisive.

-No offensive jokes or durogatory nicknames for racial groups (cracker, nigga)

-No Talk of past relationships unless prompted

-Male must make the first move

-No sex on the first date.

-Male should be a gentleman at all times and door opening is welcomed

-Male must not speed in his vehicle unless asked to by Corinne

-Romantic Dates are welcome

-Be yourself and spontaneous

-Don’t argue with Corinne, just agree :D

-Don’t brag about the money you have or complain if you don’t have any

-Be considerate of how you are eating and don’t inhale your food, take your time and engage in conversation while eating

-Don’t touch Corinne unless she welcomes it.

- Have a plan on where

So I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for the 22 bus because my 46 was late and there’s this blind guy who walking on the adjacent corner to me. At first I think it’s just some cute college student working for access now trying to see what it would be like to walk around blind for a day because the guy who had to be in his twenties walked with such confidence. Instantly I thought he was cute and i wanted to go up to him and talk to him but the fact that he was blind detoured me and made me feel that I’d frighten him or that maybe he didn’t want to be bothered with a seeing person trying to make small talk. What I wanted to do was help him and tell him where he was and ask him what he was doing but when he stopped and stood in the bus depot I knew he was where he wanted to be. He spent some time examining the corner and it may have been rude but I sat and watched him the whole time. I’d half made up my mind to walk over to him and talk to him and give him my number because he was so attractive when my bus showed up. After getting onto the bus I texted my mother about the experiences.

“Do you know that feeling you get in your stomach when you are attracted to someone and a love and form and bud there? Well with this blind guy I had that feeling along with one in the pit of my stomach that felt a bit like pity. And i didn’t want to confuse my feelings for him with the pity I felt.”

I regretted not saying hello but I felt relieved after getting on the bus.

What’s wrong with me that I’d be willing to not consider someone as a potential mate because they have a disability. Why did I feel relief in being able to walk away from the situation and wasn’t i being just a terrible as can be in considering how my life would be great with a ‘normal boy’. What kind of a person am I? I really hope that guy isn’t lonely with people like me in the world who think that blind is also deaf and grumpy and overly independent.

I pray that I see that cute blind guy again and I swear that if i do I’m going to give him my number even if he’s involved with someone because I know I can be a good friend.

Worship Team practice today went well as usual.

My mom brought some teddy grahams and Peter brought some pretzels so we all had a party.

We’re reading a book on Christian beliefs and we just got to a Chapter about the Trinity and how God is one but also three in God the father, Jesus the Son and Through the Holy Spirit which is God’s spirit.

While we were disguising and reading Forrest said something really funny I wanted to share.

The Trinity is like a Teddy Graham,
Jesus is the Bear,
The Holy Spirit is the Honey flavoring
and the God is the nutritional value.
-Forrest Hardy
(No one comprehends the thoughts of God except the spirit of God.)

I just adopted the rights to my domain name from Craig.

Craig had designed and created my website and had given it to me as a gift way back in 2008. I had always been complaining because he never read my myspace blog and I think he gave it to me as a gift for Christmas. At the time I think Craig and I had just started dating and I remember he also some months later gave me a book called ‘no one cares what you had for breakfast’ about blogging so that I could begin blogging more.

I can’t believe that I’ve been blogging and had this blog for almost three years…it feels like it was just yesterday that Craig was telling me that he had a ‘secret project’ that he was going to give me. I remember how I hadn’t really liked his original design because it didn’t reflect my personality or show any bit of my favorite color pink…and since he changed it to the design it currently is I haven’t wanted to see anything else done to it.

Because Craig created the website it sat on his account on GoDaddy.com and he’d been paying for it and renewing it every year.

I wasn’t sure what owning a domain looked like but I knew that Craig had complete control if he wanted to remove the website or not.

Right after Craig and I broke up I’d really wanted to have nothing to do with my Blog mainly because seeing it reminded me of how happy I’d felt when he’d first designed it for me and seeing it brought back so many memories of my times acting under the Alias Pinker33 online. Now I’m not afraid of the internet as I once was and I share my name and location with little fear of developing a stocker.

Because Craig had control over my website I assumed that after we broke up that he’d simply just stop paying for it and take it down…I considered copying all my blog posts onto my former computer but then I realized that most of the posts were about Craig and I and that I didn’t really want to keep those files as a constant reminder of what happened on my computer taking up space. So I just decided to wait and see what Craig would do.

Right after the break up my blog really did help me a lot. I didn’t really have Craig’s control over the blog in mind when I’d first started writing about him and my feelings for him, I assumed (and hoped) though that if he really was interested in how I felt that he’d read what I had to write about it…if it was bad or not what I wrote about him came from my heart.

Blogging for me has become very therapeutic and I really have no problem with people reading my thoughts and feelings. Some people believe that my blogging everything is not tactful and that I have no ability to keep things private…but no one must read my blog than because if they did they’d realize that I’m more vague on here than I’d like to be. Though I want to be more forthright with my reading audience I fear that no one will feel comfortable sharing themselves with me if I do speak full truths.

One of the hardest things about having this blog and not know when it was going to be taken down was the fact that it was one of the only things that still connected me to Craig. At any moment Craig had the ability to take my blog down at a moments notice, but to my surprise even if he had been reading it and the terrible things I wrote about him when I was hurt  he didn’t take the time to take it down, in fact he left me alone and didn’t communicate his intentions about it to me at all. So I just assumed that he’d forgotten that he was administrator of the site and I assume that everything about it and the domain would remain up as long as Craig’s domain also remained up.

Craig hasn’t done anything with his own site, I’ve noticed because I check in on it from time to time when my heart begins it’s old pining. Unlike Craig I was still fully in love when I was dumped and I’m still letting go of a lot of him in my life. After the breakup my blog became nothing but posts about the breakup and how hard it was when Craig’s blog became all posts about his schoolwork with no mention whatsoever of me and how he felt about me. Though there was mention of another girl that he was interested in who I assume now is the reason why he ended things with me. HE’S SUCH AN ASS. Gosh, that fact really pisses me off that he expressed no pain to anyone about the whole break up when I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of it’s place in my chest.

Over the last few months I’ve been trying to mend the hole that the break up caused and part of that was changing things that reminded me of Craig.

For example: I used to have a poster in my dorm room in homage to Craig. a collage of pictures of the times we had together…I recently took the time and burned it.

I’d just finished writing a blog post about how I needed to let Craig and my attachments to him go when I opened my email account and there sat an email from Craig himself.

Corinne,

Despite what you may think I was never ignoring you and the last message you got from me wasn’t an attempt to sever ties completely… It was rather an attempt to build a bridge which you took wrongly.  From what Heidi messaged me that night, both of you thought I was a jerk, and I took that as a lead not to message you at all.

I wanted to give you something.  Your domain, pinker33.com, is expiring on the 24th.  I don’t see it in my purview to keep paying for this, so if you make an account on GoDaddy I’ll transfer it to you.  It costs ~$10 a year if I remember.  If you don’t, you won’t be able to reach your blog anymore past that date.  I know you still use it often as I do skim through once in a while, and I wouldn’t think it fair by any means that you would lose it.

Hoping that you are well,

Craig.

I think this is the fifth communication Caig had attempted since we broke up and at first I thought my eyes were deceiving me, then I checked the date and the subject line which read “YOUR BLOG”

The last message Craig had sent me he talked about how he was moving on and how he’d found someone else.

Apparently Heidi had sent him an angry email on facebook and I love and thank her for it because I’d had no clue…she’s a really good friend. Though apparently that’s what sparked Craig’s continued non communication with me.

So apparently he has been reading my blog and apparently he doesn’t feel it is his responsibility anymore to take care of it.

This is like the part in a relationship where the couple goes through the apartment that they’ve shared together and they determine who gets what thing and that one partner puts everything into a box and walks out.

So Craig was giving me my website after he’d given it to me as a gift. At one point I remember thinking that when Craig and I got married…many years down the road that I could write fun stories about our children on my blog and or even before that write about my journey into planning our wedding and about our relationship.

I remember how Happy I’d been in thinking that this would be a gift from Craig that would truly last me forever.

I feel that from the blog I’m better off but it makes me sad that Craig isn’t so pained to let it go. His words are so distant and completely business.

Of course I want to keep my blog so I made a GoDaddy account and he transfered the site over. I was hoping that this would be a good excuse to hear his voice again but he handled it all only in about ten minutes. Then I had to figure out the GoDaddy site to confirm the transfer.

It was all so quick and easy and kind of painless at first…but it opened up another hole in my heart again. Craig is done with me really for good now.

I renewed the website for two years and in 2 years I think I’m going to renew it for many four depending on how well off I’ll be by then financially…and of course Lord willingly if I’m still alive.

I’m happy that my site it mine now. It was his baby that he fathered for me, and then it was our baby when he maintained my domain and made the design and helped me work out many of it’s kinks…but now it’s my baby because I own the domain and it is now my responsibility to maintain it myself.

Now the last things must get rid of are my necklace that he gave me for Christmas…I can’t look at it without bursting into tears. My ‘official Craig McCreath Stalker’ t-shirt which he gave me as a friend long before we began dating which was one of my favorite t-shirts in high school. His letters…they are all saved in a box which I hope to burn. And little trinkets I’ve collected that remind me of him. They all need to go and I need to get him out of my mind and start becoming my own person again. Easier said than done. He’s obviously moved on from me…why am I holding onto him.

I hated how in the letter he tried to make me look like the bad guy…like it was my fault he decided not to communicate…like I pushed him away. Of all things he should have recognized how it pained me to leave him alone and not to nag him all the time to get back with me. It hurt me that he didn’t love me anymore…and in my brain my mothers words of “YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM LOVE YOU.” echo, like a sad scolding.

He was open to talk to me whenever…on top of the fact that he knows my phone number and knows I wouldn’t be averse to him calling me. Craig is ridiculous. He knows that I don”t have it in my to hate a person forever. I remember us talking about if we ever broke up if we’d still be friends…and of course we’d agreed that we would be. Though he told me that he’d be with me forever. He told me that he’d always be there for me. He told me that he would never let what we had go.

And here I am. With my own website now…a proud new mother, because he didn’t want this baby or it’s mother anymore.

So I’M PROUD TO SAY THAT Pinker33.com is now owned by me, Corinne Elizabeth Salone and is no longer under the control of Mr. Craig Scott McCreath.