Corinne's Blog

So I’ve comprised a list of all the men I’ve ever dated/Kissed or have really gotten close to.

And here a list of all my ex’s

-Jason Caucasian Age 22 January 17, 1989 (1 year)
-Scott Age 23? (6 months)
and now
-Craig Age 21 July 22nd 1989 (2 Years)

Thinking back on my relationships with all these men has made me realize one thing.

I have a major daddy complex otherwise defined as an Electra complex.

All the men I’ve ever dated or wanted I’ve liked because they’ve been able to better me and make me into a different stronger person. They were able to take me to try new things that my father and brothers were never able to.

Since I was a young girl I’ve never had a man in my life who has been there for me when I needed him.

My older brother doesn’t like me because of some drama that happened between us as children.

I do not want to establish a relationship with my father because I do not want to stand back and watch and support him even though he is being a deadbeat dad.

I’ve been told that as a person in a relationship I am needy and extremely intense.

I’m honest and down to earth but I love the attention and affection.

This is often too much for men to handle.

I can’t think of my life without being dependent on someone or something. As a singular person I lack in personality and personal drive.

A daddy complex is what happens to a young girl when her father is absent and has left a void in the girl life.

I found myself befriending every bus driver I’ve ever had as long as he was male…And I’m even still friends with my High school bus driver Jimmy…I’m planning his wedding! I remember at first I liked that he talked to me because no other kids on the bus really did…then we talked all the time and I started being kidnapped by him as dropped off last because he liked the company and so did I. Then we started hanging out outside of the bus and he would give me rides on his motorcycle and I remember holding onto his waist and wishing I was a few years older and more attractive. Then as I grew up Jimmy and I established a very playful professional relationship as I fell deeply in love with his children. And now I feel like a mother to them. It’s strange though that at the same time I was creating a crazy fun relationship with a bus driver from his same company…who would also kidnap me because he liked my company.

I always make an effort to talk to men who are my bus drivers but I never do have good conversations with women. Women drive me insane.

I filled the void in my life with men and sex and a need to be wanted and needed from people of the opposite sex. I spent time as a teenage girl reading every romance novel I could get my hands on to study to try to understand how men of the opposite sex thought so I could get them to like me easier.

I feel more comfortable around men now because I like feeling protected with them around.

I am not a typical daddy complex case because i seem to be liking men younger and younger now.

At first i was only attracted to older men…i had a huge thing for a guy named Dan who used to be an americorp fellow at my school around the same time my parents got a divorce.

That was the first time i found out what it was like to be attracted to an older man. Outside of the crush I had on my student teacher Mr. R in fifth grade.

My obsession with older men made it so that I acted older than my own age and I became a very ‘old soul’ before my time. Part of my becoming an old soul was my exploring the internet to find out what men truly liked.

I explored horny chat rooms and crazy singles websites to find men who wanted me and would be able to do anything for me so they could get sex. I became online a major tease when personally I wasn’t even old enough to approach a man.

As I grew older and began to express myself I found that I always had a man that I would attach myself to as a mentor or as a father figure whether it was my play uncles or my male family therapist. I remember that right after my parents got divorced in church that man I looked up to was a family friend who went by brother Bobby. Brother Bobby never did anything to me but I remember thinking that I wanted him to take me home so i could be his daughter instead of my father’s.

As I grew older I no longer wanted to be the daughter but instead would look at a guy and instantly want to be his daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, or mistress anything to get my foot in the door.

I looked at God as the father who I needed to become better acquainted with and in a way I learned that what I had with the men in the world and the way I idolized them and got hurt by them was an illness.

I have a hard time being with myself and only with myself because I want someone to tell me that the path I’m taking is the right one. I see good fathers who have advice for their children and I get jealous and I look for men who will be good fathers for my children. But when I search for men I search for husbands and lovers and not boyfriends and friends. I search for a long term commitment which I realize most men are incapable to creating easily without a physical attraction…so I give them what they want physically too soon and I end up getting hurt.

For about 3 years I’ve established a texting relationship with a guy named Jeremy and I would consider him my friend though we’ve never met.

This has been ever weighing on my mind.

My mother is a strong and very wise woman….she’s been my primary support through my whole life.

When asked yesterday where my father was and what he was doing I had to answer that my father worked ‘around’ and that I wasn’t really sure where or what he did. I said that I used to live with my mother and after my parents separated that my mother was my primary care giver and provider until I moved out of her house.

But then the person asked if my father still helped to support me in anyway way and thinking about it truly hurt me.
No…he didn’t. The last thing he did for me was to take me to work when I didn’t have any bus fare…that was the first time I’d really asked him for a favor since I’d been planning to move to Scotland and I’d need help with money and he’d given me 100 dollars.

I remember when he’d been in the car with me he’d talked to be about how he was working on replacing a part of a toilet…I must need help because I feel that he owes my mother something and that the money he made there should have gone to her.

She’s the one whose raised his children and supported them for all these years…Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that he’s making money that is only going to supporting himself when he has six children. He only interacts really now with my little sister Cynthia because it seems that my brother Eric has cut him off…and he talks to my brother Evan who has cut my mother and I off.

My father has a college degree and he chooses to not get a job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. My father lives in a house that he doesn’t have to pay for on the meager wages he gets from doing freelance handyman work around the twin cities. My father has tried to establish a relationship with me multiple times but I’m finding it extremely hard to want to support him and be around him when he should have gotten a good job to help my mother raise me and my siblings. Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that my mother can barely afford cancer treatments because my father isn’t paying the 12,000 dollars in child support that he needs to. If my father were to pay for the child support my mother would be able to use the money that she is using for my sister’s school tuition to pay for her cancer treatments. My father doesn’t care for my mother at all and if my mother dies of cancer I will blame him.

I looked up deadbeat dad on google to find out what my father really was…I’d heard before that men who didn’t pay their child support were deadbeat…

But I needed to know for myself.

Noun

S: (n) deadbeat dad (a father who willfully defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring)

That is what my father has done to my family for many years.

He says he wants to make things right with me and my siblings but I want this to be the first step.

Is he ill and incapable of finding a job?

My mother is ill with two diseases and she still gets up everyday and works her butt off for her children.

What is up with him other than that he is getting older?

So what he’s getting grays…so what his eye sight is bad…why is he subjecting himself to poverty to not have to pay child support.

Sure he’s going through a depression…yet he refuses to seek help.

He’s constantly talking about how he is going to die soon…we don’t know if that means he’s going to kill himself or what.

All I know is that there was a time that he had many dreams. He would get up everyday and I’d admire the way he looked in his suit and tie when he went off the work. I truly believed that he could do anything he set his mind to because he was an intelligent well educated articulate black man. There was nothing that he couldn’t do when he set his mind to it.

Deep down in me I want to believe that he is still that man and that he can start anew…even at his age. I want to believe that my father hasn’t given up on life and taking care of his children.

Paying child support would be all it took for me to respect him again but I haven’t seen it and all I see is my mother struggling in all this by herself. And it is wearing on her and I know that it is wearing on her and actually killing her.

My mother is dying and my father is deciding to sit back and do nothing but watch.

My father is a deadbeat dad, but I believe that if he tried he could get a job and start anew and be so much more.

kay

want to play a quick game?
it is really easy
all you have to day is answer some questions

sure

ok. question one:
what is your favorite color?

Pink

could you tell me three adjectives about that color/how it makes you feel/etc.
for example, mine is green
and i would say, lively, cool, and harmonious

Warm, Energized, Special

ok
next: what is your favorite animal?

not sure

well, even just at the moment- an animal you are fond of or feel a connection to
it can be a mythical one even if you like

maybe the kinkajou I’ve had cats my whole life so probably a Dog

ok
now same thing- three adjectives

a kinkajou or dog

ok

um…appreciated, loving, companionship
friendly

ok
we’ll go with those
next one
this will sound similar, but it is different. . .

k

let’s pretend you could have a dream pet- something that fulfills every thing you’d ever want in a pet
what would this pet be like?

…can I say a man?

three things
LOL
it is just a description

um..
reliable, cuddly, constant

ok
last but not least

k

what is your favorite body of water?

Aegean Sea

one last time

what?

three adjectives for it

k
um Blue, Calm, Romantic

interesting
all done
want to know what it all means now?

sure

the color adjectives are supposed to indicate how you view yourself
so you see yourself as a warn, energetic, and special person
*warm

lol
k

the animal adjectives are supposed to be how others view you
so appreciated, loving and friendly- that is how friends think of you
i could buy that
guess what your dream pet adjectives indicate?

um…your perfect mate?

not so much that as qualities you appreciate in a significant other
which is why you were quite amusing when you said a man
you like reliable, cuddly, men, who won’t leave your side especially in a crisis

yeah
that’s so funny!
crazy coincidence

the funniest part is next

k

the body of water?

yeah

sex

lol
okay…this is like a crazy madlib

calm and romantic, eh?

lol

LOL

wow…

but it really fits, i am guessing

2:25pm
yeah
it fits me pretty well

that was a date doctor game

I hate you with everything in me.
I wish you’d burn in hell slowly
I hope every time you think of me you suffer.
I hate that I ever knew you at all.
I hate that you are the way you are and that I took all that time and effort in my life to love you.
You’re the most evil person I’ve ever known and I wish you’d die.
I want to stab you with a thousand swords until you are a pile of mush.
I hate your accent and your fat face.
I hate your attitude and I hope you suffer when you realize that you will never find anyone who is anything like me.
I am the best thing that will ever happen to you and you’re lucky you found someone who was as willing to sacrifice and wait for you.
You have lost a friend in me and as of today you are dead to me.
I hate that God gave you life.
I hate the way you smell
I hate the music you introduced me to
I hate all the memories that I am now haunted with of my relationship with you
I hate that my heart has your name tattooed on it.
I hate that you are the only thing I can dream of and that I need to drug myself to get a peaceful night without thoughts of you.
I have had thoughts of jumping in front of a bus and ending my life because of the sadness you’ve brought me but I realize that you aren’t worth it.
You never put forth the effort to love me like I loved you
You never even tried to save our relationship
You were constantly a lousy boyfriend and it is only now that I am beginning to see that.
I want to send an atomic bomb to blow you up
And I want to cut off your manhood.
I want you to feel humiliation and all the pains of the world.
I wish you all the worst with every atom that makes up my body.
I hate the way you smile and the way your eyes look when you get tired.
I hate my computer and what it has become to me since I got to know you
I hate every minute I wasted on getting to know you.
I hate the plans for a future with you that I dreamed of.
I hate that you’d make a great father and I hope you are lonely for the rest of your life.
If you do find someone else I hope she’s terrible to you
I hope your children and children’s children turn out ugly
I hope you die in a terrible accident where you feel every bit of pain that you deserve.
I hate you and I wish you’d never been born.
I hope you get poisoned or shot.
I wish snakes would bite you and that the venom would kill you from the inside out.
I hope you remain lonely for the rest of your life and that everyday you are lonely you think of me and realize how you left a good thing.
You are dead to me and I never want to see your face or hear your name uttered again.

You are Dead to me
And I will try not to mourn you because you’re evil and you don’t deserve that energy.
You’re a waste of my time.

Last night I was involved in an aggravated robbery. Personally I’m not really out of shock yet.

In order for me to understand this I had to look up what a robbery really was…wiki says:
Robbery is the crime of taking or attempting to take something of value by force or threat of force and/or by putting the victim in fear. At common law, robbery is defined as taking the property of another, with the intent to permanently deprive the person of that property, by means of force or fear.[1] Precise definitions of the offence may vary between jurisdictions. Robbery differs from simple theft in its use of violence and intimidation.

The word “rob” came via French from Late Latin words (e.g. deraubare) of Germanic origin, from Common Germanic raub — “theft”

Among the types of robbery are piracy, armed robbery involving use of a weapon, and aggravated robbery involving use of a deadly weapon or something that appears to be a deadly weapon.

……

I was headed home on a 14 bus after having just caught a 46 from work. Mom was going to pick me up but I’d miss her while I was looking for my cellphone…she’d left and I’d decided to take a bus instead. I’d called her and said “Hey mom I’m going to take a 46, you don’t have to come, I’d have to wait to long for you to come back.”

So I was on the 46 and there was a young boy on who talked to me about his toys. And I had a great conversation about going into the arts in education with Alexander Kleinschmidt who Connor Trip would have introduced me to. I got off that bus with a smile on my face loving that a person could have a genuine conversation with complete strangers.

Then I got on a 14 and I called my buddy Vince to see how he was doing at work…we talked about how I really loved children and how I’d probably be old before I was able to have them. Vince was making a joke about how I’d be 80 before I had my first grandchild and I was laughing and walking down 32nd street the five blocks from the bus stop on Bloomington to my house on 32nd and Longfellow when from behind me a black man with a gun came up to me and told me to drop everything (My bag, my violin and my phone) and to hand them all over.

Vince said that all I was saying all of a sudden was ‘Oh my God…’ over and over again before the phone cut off. I remember saying ‘please don’t do this.’

The black man had a black jacket on and I remember staring at the gun and looking up at his face. It was covered in a scarf and all I could remember really was his eyes and again the gun…I looked down the street and there were people standing by the alley I’d just passed. I wanted to call out to them for help but the gun was on me…then the guy he grabbed my things and he walked and joined the other two men…his voice sounded like he was my age. He and the other two casually walked down the alley…I didn’t follow them because they had a gun and I was afraid.

A car came down the road and I jumped into the street and tried to flag it down saying “I was just robbed at gunpoint, please call the cops and let me in your car…I’m afraid!”

She didn’t open her car but I think she did begin to call the cops.
Then another car came and I ran to their car “Please let me in I asked, I was just robbed and they have a gun and I’m scared.”

I talked to the dispatcher and discovered that the woman’s name was Donna in the silver Audi and that she’d also called the cops.
The cops came and we went down the alley and there was no sign…I thought about how my friend Vincent might be reacting thinking I all of a sudden disappeared. I thought about what they took…my IDs, my keys…they know where I live!

I’m scared and a bit jumpy…the cops let me in their car to warm myself because I was cold. I tried to tell them as much as I could about the perps and their outfits…but I just remembered my things and the gun…they took my everything.

Everything really but my life…I got away with my life and the clothing on my back.

What if I would have died.
They would have discovered my body in the street.
They would have had me in my Hamline sweatshirt and my orchestra t-shirt, and my Corinne bracelet and the bracelet I’d made in my beading option.

They would have discovered me wearing my hair in braids and pigtails with a gunshot in my chest where the gun had been pointed when I was robbed.

They would have discovered my bus card in my pocket and could have looked at video of my trips on the buses as evidence of when I’d just gotten off the buses…then they would have tracked me back to work and how I’d been looking for my cellphone in the fridge and had therefore missed my mother.

I would have left behind a dirty room and a lot of unfinished business…I could have seen James but I went and babysat a woman with Alzheimers instead…I lent my mother money as one of my last good deeds. I’d told my friend Connor a friendly goodbye on the bus and I’d enjoyed a wonderful day at work at Burroughs Community Elementary School.

I would have had potential to be a great nurse with a future in wanting to work with children…the children would probably remember me and people would say I was good with them.

But I got away with my life…luckily.

And I lost some of my most valuable possessions in the process.

My computer, I just got it back from Jeremy.

My violin, the same one I’ve had my whole life since I’d first begun to play in 6th grade at the age of 11.

My cellphone, which I got last Christmas which still held the number of my friend Leo Kohorst who was just murdered a month ago tomorrow.

My nurses packets…and pieces of myself in novel form.

I forget what else other than my Ids…I’m a donor and my library card.

I would have been fighting with my boyfriend having left him a message saying that I wanted to talk to him.

I would have just responded to a text from my friend Jeremy where he’d have asked me what I was up to.

Everyone says I did the right thing in letting those things go even though they had value to me.

Because my life has more value…I couldn’t sleep last night in thinking that I’d just had a brush with death and I hadn’t thought about anyone and I’d been alone and scared.

Everyone keeps saying that I was lucky because I could be dead…I’m lucky because I did what they said, I wasn’t a hero and I didn’t fight back…I wasn’t a hero I was a victim with walked away with her life.

I wish I’d been stronger and more aware of my surroundings, I wish I hadn’t been laughing on the phone with Vince and that I’d been looking around me and rushing home. I wish i’d heard them and known the gun was there…I wish I had a tazor or mace.

I wish I knew self defense to fight them off…

But it is all different with a weapon…a deadly weapon is involved…I wonder if it was loaded, I wonder where they got it or if it was real…it looked real, but it was dark…it looked like a real heavy hand gun.

What do I know, I’ve never seen a gun out of a police officer’s holster.

My uncle Sean says now I am officially urban and that I’ve spent to much of my time in Edina and that I’m too trusting of people.

This is going to make me paranoid and I’m afraid to walk at night off the bus alone already.

Today I took a break from my life, I’m missing work and clinicals to think about my life and if I had died last night.

I have so many shoulda woulda couldas…I keep calling the police office to give them more information…apparently if they try to pawn my stuff I can get it back. Hopefully the pawn shops won’t be dirty.

Gosh so much to say and my mind is all over the place.

If anyone needs me email me at Pinker33@gmail.com

My cell is gone…but I can still check at the library, wow…they even took my library card!

>I need to stop living out of my purse.

I’m at a strange place in my life where things are going surprisingly well. I had a year where things were really rocky,

I moved a lot…I switched jobs a lot…I was lonely a lot and I was depressed a lot.

I had a time where I was rocky and in transition all the time.

I didn’t have any personal goals, I was extremely spontaneous and I made promises I couldn’t keep.

Now I’m in a place where I’m finding my feet and becoming a little more steady.

I have a great job, I’m doing well in school, I have a great place to stay, I’m keeping promises to people and I can actually say I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day.

My relationship is still in a rocky place because of the problems this distance has created…there is a void that I know Craig and I wish we could close that can only be solved if the distance were to disappear.

There is a strange part of me that wishes that I was back at Hamline so I can have a bit of my social life back.

I’m not really lonely though…I live with 5 extremely nice guys and they make me feel like I’m a part of something.

My job hasn’t let me down and I can see myself being there for a few years at least…when they said that people stay at Minneapolis Kids for years I had a hard time seeing myself there. But now I’ve settled in and it’s become part of what and who I am.

I’m making some huge life decisions.
With Craig going back to school for his masters program and me being in school for nursing I know that I won’t really need to try Scotland again for another few years.

Though with my money situation being much much better than it was a few months ago…the possibility of me making Scotland a major vacation spot seems plausible.

For the rest of the year after I finish my NATO testing I’m going to be free to work as I please…I’m working about 20 hours a week as a non permanent staff member but I’m hoping to get more hours, or maybe another job soon.

I want to be here at 3205 Longfellow for a year or two at least and I’m going to go out of my way to make it so…even if that means paying for multiple months in advance.

So much has happened in my life that is bad and now suddenly so much good that I’m nervous that even noticing that things are getting better might jinx the whole thing.

I’ll see.