I was thinking about how the year is coming to an end and everything I’ve done in the past year and accomplished and everything that I hope to accomplish in the next up coming year.

So Like I’ve done in years past I’m going to write down some solid New Years Resolutions for the year of 2012.

It’s said that 2012 may be the end of the world because that’s when the Early Mayan peoples stopped calculating on their calendars but I don’t believe that to be true.

But I’d still have to say that my first New Year Resolution for 2012 is to

1) “Simply Survive“…I just want to make it through 2012 is one piece, alive and healthy with a stable enough life like I have now. The next time I’ll be writing a list of resolutions two semesters in school and a Summer would have passed and I may or may not be where I want to be to be able to sign up for the MCTC nursing program. I want to live my day to day without getting super depressed that I’m not making any progress, I want to look at each day in a more positive light.

My 2nd Resolution: Would be to
2) “Not be a quitter”- Whether this is in my relationship with David, at my workplace(s) or in my school work I’d like to keep going with everything I start until I succeed, and if I fail I’d like to know that I made my very best effort.

3) “Enjoy Life for what is has to offer” This past year I can honestly say I didn’t have many adventures, the whole year outside of a time I went to Michigan to represent my church I’ve been in Minnesota, and what I’ve been doing here has mainly been working, going to school and watching a lot of movies. I’d like to be able to get out and enjoy Minnesota for what it has to offer me, I want to explore new parts of the city and enjoy the weather. And create a new outlook on life even during the boring times.

4) Get out of Debt: I recently looked at my expenses again and in order to figure out how much money I’d need to make a month in order to continue living the life I am and still be able to save for a car or a new apartment in the future. I discovered that If I continue on I’ll be able to get out of all my Debt to Hamline University, to MCTC and to the Various Hospitals and organizations I’m a part of that I haven’t been paying by this time next year if I keep my consistent hours at working at Minneapolis Kids at Burroughs and working at my new workplace. I don’t want my pushing to get out of debt to interfere with my ability to do well in school though, this is the only thing that worries me I’m going to get so overwhelmed and wrapped up working that I’ll have no time for school.

5) Learn How to Prioritize.- Most people who know me know that I value strange things and I prioritize things that I value rather than what I should be prioritizing to make life easier on myself. I value my relationships but I don’t value my family, I value what I do with my money now rather than worrying about how I’ll save my money for the future. I also Value work over school which seems to make life harder because I need to do well in school in order to do better work. I’ve learned a lot of these life lessons over the past year and I’d like to be able to say ‘first things first’ and actually know where I’m going to go when I need to place value on things.

6) Lose More Weight: I’m proud to say that though an unhealthy weight I have maintained the same weight for the last few months and over the summer I actually lost weight. This past year I was a member of a gym called LA Fitness and because of some financial difficulty that I’m still trying to get out of I’ve found myself once again without a means of working out. I do do a lot of walking on a regular basis and I find myself jogging to and from the bus stop often but that’s not enough. I want to find some means of exercise which can be incorporated into my everyday routine, maybe it’s rollerskating because I discovered I am good at it and that I enjoy it or maybe it’s just biking like my housemates do 24/7, I don’t know. Part of that is the simple step I can take of eating more healthy, David said that he could help me with that and I’m hoping to get a George Foreman grill because David swears by it. In general I just want to GET FIT.

7) Get even More Organized than I already Have- This past year I’ve come a long way in maintaining the clutter that is my room. I have installed and organized to the point where everything now has a decent place. I realized though that when I move in the future that I want a place with walk in closets. Or I want to be able to build myself walk in closets because a bulk of my bulk is clothing and I don’t feel like getting rid of much of it now. My room currently is so small that it constantly needs to be converted for me to be able to do simple things such as play a board game, sleep or watch television on my computer. I’m getting tired of having to move everything around in order to do simple tasks so I want to eventually maybe in the next year find a place where I can have enough room to roam and be able to store what I want to to bring out later. Getting more organized may help me manage my stress better, calm easily maintained environment might mean a calmer me.

8) Maintain relationships: I’m proud to say that unlike last year where I was getting over Craig I have a great man who though he has his faults I’d like to keep around for awhile and have adventures with. I’m not on that search for a boyfriend “Thank God.” and i’m not wondering what the wide world of dating has to offer me, instead I’m in a perfectly good spot in my relationship with David and I’m finally starting the see breakthroughs in how he and I communicate and understand each other as for dating at this point I’m going to keep things open I’m not looking for anyone on the side but David said that if something better comes along that I should take it. So far nothing better has come along that can be long term. I think that’s what I’m looking for now, not just a boyfriend who will be around for a few months who I give a lot to and who leaves, I want something that will last more than a year. David and I have potential to last more than a year, three months have flown by and I think part of it is because we are able to give each other enough space to live our separate lives. Though I’d like to see parts of our lives coming together more like him meeting my family and me meeting his family for now I’m pretty content with him coming over and spending time with me. Anytime at all can be hectic I know with his crazy law school schedule. Part of that maintaining this relationship would be not being so clingy and demanding so much of David, it’s hard because it seems to me that David thinks my wanting anything at all is from him is being too demanding …that’s something we have to work on.

9) Find Church again: I didn’t write a blog about being kicked off the worship team because I thought getting into a big fuss over it all would be a huge waste of my time. I didn’t write a blog about not attending church because of a lack of motivation to do so because I didn’t feel it was something that was worth blogging about just yet and I’ve been busy and haven’t really had the time to blog as much as I wish I could. I was kicked off the team because Matt and Peter think that I need to become reconciled with something in my life that’s going on before I can help lead a congregation in worship.  They think I’m going through some sort of spiritual battle and they think i should seek some kind of counseling. There’s nothing crazy going on in my life right now that isn’t normal for someone my age to be going through, I’m experiencing life as everyone else does and I’m trying to get by. Counseling is expensive and unnecessary in my particular case because anything a counselor might say to me is the exact thing I could discover by making mistakes and learning those life lessons on my own. I accept that things aren’t perfect in my life and that I have a lot to work on but that’s the same for everyone that God put on this planet. I am in a relationship and it scares me that I might be trying to commit myself to a person who might not be meant for me, but I’m experiencing it because even if David isn’t “the one” I’ve learned a lot from the relationships I’ve already experienced and the experiences I’ve had have taught me much about what I am looking for in a partner.

I’m looking for a love in a man and I am looking to love a man just like those famous passages in Corinthians 13 talking about love:

¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I see a lot of good things in David and I hope that over time I will learn to love him or that through my experiences with him I’ll be able to better love another. There is no loss of faith in me in that respect and I don’t need to go to church to know what I should seek in LOVE.

I’m working and my coworkers are frustrating at times when they make my job harder and cause me unwanted stress. They are mean and inconsiderate and lazy and I can honestly say if at times if it weren’t for work and the fact that I might lose my job, I would quickly curse some of them out for acting the way they do. They aren’t the worst kind of people for they do have the abilities to make the children at my work place happy but they aren’t good to me and some of my other coworkers. They do good but there isn’t much love in them but for those who are their own and mean like themselves. I’ve watched and I’ve taken a lot of shit because of their wanting to make someone look worse than themselves. I don’t need to go to church every Sunday to know how I need to deal with them because being in church as I grew up I’ve learned that Jesus instructs me to Love my enemies in Luke 6:27:

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

So at work I’m learning to turn the other cheek and so far being nice to those who mistreat me, though it isn’t always easy has kept me my job for the last year and a half.

I’m also in School and though it’s hard I don’t need to go to church to know that God created me to do good things and produce good fruit from all my hard work. I have a good heart because of God and what I produce in the world will be good it says so clearly in the Bible.

 ⁴³ “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. ⁴⁴ Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers. ⁴⁵ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

All these things I’ve learned to deal with over the years and God has taught me many lessons about how to deal with people in those settings and in those situations.

Learning about God in church in my life has taught be a lot.

I have enough knowledge to deal with my day to day struggles so I don’t feel I need to attend church every Sunday I’m taking a break from Church for awhile. I need to find myself and reestablish a positive relationship with God on my own and where Gods place in my life is. I want to get out of thinking about church in a legalistic way where I hate that I can’t be myself in church and everyone pretends that life is just so fine and dandy and no one can really says what they want to say to a person’s face.For example: when my mother was planning on putting my cat down I was against it, that was this summer and I vocalized my feelings to her and the cat still lives today and is doing much better than she was a couple of months ago. And when my brother didn’t want to go to college and instead decided he’d rather join the military because he’s afraid he can’t afford to go to school I was against it, and the many soldiers I know (except Jason) were also against it. I want to go to church when I know I can really praise God again and not have to worry about How the way I’m living my life will reflect how holy and great the church itself is. We all make mistakes and God is helping me through mine in his own way and his own time. I don’t need the people at my church judging me. It’s not that I’m no longer a Christian I just haven’t been going to the Christian gatherings because I don’t feel that they are genuine anymore. But this next year I’d like to find a way to come back to church whether it’s a different church or not I’m unsure.

For some reason when I think of the church now I think of what Jesus said : “The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” Meaning that I can do what I want on Sunday as long as my heart is there. And I can have communion with bread and grape juice whenever I want to at home, every meal I have can be my communion…I still pray I still believe I still want God to be in the lives of the people I love and care about. I believe that God blesses me daily. Enough said.

10) Learn to Love myself: Which means taking care of myself and thinking about what I deserve rather than what others think and want. I hear that is the only way I’ll find self esteem and confidence in this world, apparently everyone says I don’t know myself and that I’m afraid of my own company and as soon as I find myself I’ll find where I’m going in life. So that is definitely a goal.

So I bought hosting on Go Daddy.com and now I’m hosting my own site and I own the domain name…it’s a great feeling :D

After the site being down for a little while it’s finally back up and running…I’m really happy and excited and I’ve decided I’m going to begin using her a lot more. I miss spilling my guts to the interwebs.

Recently I’ve had a lot of fun outside of work hanging out with Adam Maarschalk from church.
My time with Adam can fit into two of my social categories. The first one being number one “for me”, and the second one being “with him”. Adam and I started hanging out mainly after Heidi became a flake on me when it came to working out at the LA fitness. Adam became my new workout buddy and he committed to working out with me on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10am till 11:30ish. It’s a win win situation for both of us because his being there has made me feel more comfortable in going to the gym because he is a great person to talk to and I really enjoy his company. Adam makes going to the gym more of a social fun gathering than a chore. Since I began working out with Adam I’ve lost a quick fifteen pounds and I’ve gain a lot more confidence in myself. I’m working for the improvement of my social “me”. After we workout sometimes I go to a coffee shop and work on my novel which is coming along nicely, or Adam and I go out to eat (we’ve been trying a lot of different worldly cuisine), sometimes we just end up at Adam’s apartment which is usually calm and quiet in the afternoons and a great place for me to work on my novel or just plain and simply sleep. Adam’s apartment is closer to my work so it’s more convenient for me to go back to work from there and home after work than for me to travel all the way back home just to turn around and travel the whole distance on the bus to head back to work. Because of my feeling for Adam and the way he teaches me about God and God’s messages I feel that my social time with him also fits in the “with him” category twice. My time with Adam is “with him” and my time talking about God and meditating on what is being said and learned is also my time to be with God, so in a strange sense with my father in heaven who is also a “with him”.

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My social life has also become my time with Heidi, even though we haven’t been working out and hangout out together as much as we were a few months ago I still am able to invite Heidi over and talk to her over the phone. A week ago we were able to get together and hangout at the Lyndale and Lake Street festival where we listened to some great bands and socialized.

Heidi is a good friend because she understand me when I’m desperate for attention from men. And she is a great inspiration for me as I write about my characters in my novel. I find inspiration from her and her friendship because she gives me confidence that I am worth something more than I value myself being alone. She also gives me a major friend high.

Through my interactions with Heidi I’ve been able to meet and reconnect with a lot of people from my past. So my interactions socially “with her” have become interactions with other and “with them.”

For example after last Sunday’s Lyn-Lake festival I joined Heidi and some old friends from the pasted that we bumped into at Heidi’s house for a bonfire. Before that we had gone shopping for ingredients to make fun over the fire pit kabobs that ended up tasting out of this world good. It was nice to be able to socialize with people my own age late into the night, drinking responsibly and laughing and making memories.

Also at the Lyn-Lake festival because I ended up staying to wait for Heidi to show up I was able to bump into some of my coworkers out of our co-working element. Because of my being sighted at such a cool and hip event now I’ve earned some street cred’ with my coworkers and they’ve been treating me as more of the team and less of the geeky outsider.

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I need someone who can accept my geek and my outsider. I’ve been on an up and down journey to not look toward the past in my personal relationships with men and to try to fly full speed ahead to the future.

I’ve gone on a couple of dates and went to see the movie Thor with a cute boy.

I’ve taken the time to make myself available to men and I’ve been hit on …I’ve been asked for my number and given the numbers of others.

I’ve given myself for time for times “with him” and I try to get Craig and my relationship with him out of my head. He’s moved on I should also.

So far my looking for other men has been good at times and bad at times…for example, my timing with some of the men in my life has been really bad. My friend Vince and my friend Jeremy both told me they had feelings for me, I didn’t act on their offers to be more than friends with them because I felt that I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken again and both men ended up finding other woman. They both still claim to love me but I’ve missed my chases with both of them.

There was a date I was supposed to be on today but I was stood up…but, I got out there and I actually showed up which I wouldn’t have had the guts to do months ago.

I’m actually acting on the crushes I have though some of them have been harder for me to act on than others. Having feelings for single men at church has been the hardest…do I act on my impulses to give a guy my number or do I only treat him as my brother and watch as a good man passes me by?

At times I need to stop focusing on my times “with him” and make them times “for me” and “with/for God”

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Speaking of “For God” a all encompassing social category. I’ve been taking on more responsibilities at my church and I’m actually feeling like I’m finally becoming an adult.

I’ve been asked to represent my congregation in a worship convention in Michigan come June 14th-16th. I will be in school at working my summer job at this time and I’m hoping that I won’t miss too much.

But it’s nice to be able to take on more responsibility and be available for my congregation to do more work “For God”.

Maybe being at the convention I’ll meet some nice Christians and create some lasting friendships.

For all I know maybe my future prince charming will be there at the convention…though that won’t be my motivation for going.

I’m really happy to be putting myself out there and taking more risks with myself socially.

I feel that recently I’ve been rather selfish in not responding to the comments I’ve received from the little fans I’ve discovered that I have.

Most of the comments are from people who stumble upon my blog somehow but I appreciate their comments just as much as I appreciate those who have decided to subscribe and read about my life on a regular basis.

I want to take some time aside though to respond to a couple of comments that were left on my blog that I’ve neglected to answer in a prompt manner. (I hope the writers are still interested in reading a response from me :D)

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The first response is to Dave, Just Dave who wrote a comment on my Blog labeled: “There was a time I saw only you.”

This Blog I’d written after I’d lashed out at Craig in the initial Anger during my break up and I was finally coming to a time where I was missing and longing for everything good that Craig was to me. All the things I wrote in this blog were true which makes reading it again for me that much harder.

DAVE’S COMMENT:
Dave, just Dave says:
March 20, 2011 at 11:08 pm (Edit)
Somehow google brought me to this page, and I couldn’t help but read your entire post. Though I’m a guy, I just ended a relationship that to me felt much like what you wrote. I don’t have words for what I feel, and I know that you wrote this months ago and if what you wrote is true, have likely healed since you wrote it. I know I haven’t had the time yet to “get over it” and move on. But I have to ask, if just to see the light at the end of the tunnel… Have you moved on? Your words were quite powerful, and I know I feel much the same about my own situation. I guess what I’m asking is, is there light at the end of the tunnel? I’m hoping you don’t still feel the same way. I know everyone says “just give it a bit, it’ll be fine, you’ll be better than ever” blah, blah blah… It’s March now… Do you feel different?

MY RESPONSE TO DAVE’S COMMENT:

Dave,
I want to thank you for reading my blog and I’m sorry to hear about your recently break up.

I wrote my blog post sitting depressed and in despair and as a sad counterpoint to the rage and anger I’d let myself fall a victim to earlier in my grieving process, what I wrote was raw emotion verbalized that best way I could.

About your comment this is what I have to say:

I feel different but not fully healed.

It’s strange like there’s a really thick scab on my heart that is covering a terrible wound.

I’ve gotten to a point where I can look at Craig’s picture and not have it pain me.

He still isn’t talking to me which isn’t helping me find any closure.

I’ve started going out and dating and trying to find things in other men that are better than Craig but I still haven’t experienced any sparks yet that I recognize to be like the love I had for Craig.

I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel but I am just beginning to get slight glimpses of it.

Like, I’ve finally developed the ability to laugh again and smile naturally. That took me a long time, I can’t stop thinking about Craig though when I am on a date with someone else, and in my heart there’s a terrible part of me that wishes that we were still together.

There are part of me that still don’t believe that true love exists anymore and then there is a part of me that hopes and dreams that I am wrong.

“If there is no love in the world,” I tell myself “than how do men and woman survive fifty, sixty…seventy plus years together and claim that they are still as in love as the first day they met?”

Asking myself that and thinking of how my God loves me has helped me a little bit…but there are days when it all feel like it happened yesterday when it’s been almost a half a year already.

~Corinne~

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The next comment I’d like to give attention to is Jessica, she commented on my post label “The Pa/Maternal Clock…what is it and why?”

SHE SAID:

Jessica says:

March 8, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I’m really glad i came across this. I am also 20 years old and am going through the same exact thing. I know I don’t need a baby for a while but I just can’t get the idea out of my head! Makes me feel better to not be alone…very comforting!

My RESPONSE TO JESSICA:

Thank you SO MUCH for reading my blog and I’m happy that I’m not crazy and that I’m not alone in this feeling towards babies also at the age of 21 :D…you should see how I act maternally around my god children!

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Thirdly I’d like to respond to Jeff Noel’s comment at Jeffnoel.org:

Jeff commented on my post “As a Christian Writing about Christianity” with these encouraging words:

Corinne, found your post through Twitter. It really is a Small World After All. :)
Anyway, I write 5 daily, differently-themed blogs about Life’s Big Choices, one of which is our Spiritual Responsibility.

All posts are short and pithy, and you may find them encouraging in your quest to be more transparent on your blog.

I don’t sell anything, except hope and encouragement.

Best wishes for an awesome Spring. jeff

MY RESPONSE:

Thanks Jeff I will definitely subscribe to your blog,

thanks for stopping by mine and I appreciate the well wishes!

It’s nice to find encouraging Christian Bloggers nowadays.

~Corinne~

I hope to be able to respond to more comments more promptly in the future…

I welcome all readers to comment I LOVE GETTING FEEDBACK!

And I’m really happy to see that my blog is actually out in the world to help and influence people.

Part of Craig’s efforts to get over me was to erase me from his life completely. He cut me off and cut all ties. This was a drastic and devastating way for him to go about things and I feel that he was selfish in this act as he was all the acts of our relationship. I know personally I would have had a better time getting over the relationship if Craig had let me go slowly and had given me time for acceptance and a time to say goodbye. (But that’s a whole different can of worms)

It’s strange how a person can simply cut you out of their life like that, now I have a small feeling of how my father might have felt when his family didn’t want him around anymore as if he was cramping our style.

I’ve learned though through this experience that some things are for our own good even if we don’t want them.

My personal strategy for coping wasn’t as blunt and brutal. Personally I spent some time slowly depriving myself of the things in life that reminded me of Craig. Recently I’ve begun reintroducing those things back into my life again.

It’s amazing how much of my life I changed because I couldn’t stand the pain that came along with doing those things.

Like accents for instance, whenever I was around a person with an accent I made a point of walking away.

Some musical groups I have yet to remember that I listened to, and in hearing those groups again I am reminded of how Craig influenced my soul and infused himself into my style.

Still today I like things that I know Craig would like and I pursue things happily that I wouldn’t have had Craig not changed me. Like ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ Signs being a part of interior design and trendy…and anything having to do with making your office or living space more functional or zen…all those things I tend to associate with my life-time with Craig.

I stopped watching some of my now favorite television shows because I was introduced to them by Craig or we spent a lot of time watching the episodes together…such as Fringe, Firefly, Dr.Who and How I met your mother. I got tired of making fun references to the shows in my everyday life and not having anyone around me understand them like Craig would.

I adopted the likes and interests of many of the people who I coexist with in my everyday life, like people from my church and my house mates. I started experimenting with different kinds of music and a different way to dress in order to discover a new style that could be uniquely my own. I tried new foods and went out with a different kind of crowd entirely so I could see if I was capable of doing so. I got drunk in public and I got fun and I shared myself with people. I tried to be genuine in everything I did and I felt good knowing that I could shout from the rooftops that I am a Christian without having anyone put me down for living under a belief system like Craig did…often though I might make the excuse that it was indirect and unintentional.

It’s strange that I speak about Craig now because I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t talk about him all that much because it spawns a strange hatred for humanity in me that I don’t feel is of a Godly disposition. I’ve had a few talks now with my mother and a woman named Julie from my congregation where they told me that my being so honest and open is a bad thing for me because It shows that I have no control over my emotions and that I have a hard time showing digression. I feel that that is untrue about me…I will never tell a secret on my blog if it is told to me…most secrets I forget a matter of hours after I get them because I feel it is useless to gossip. I will never betray anyone I love and who trusts me. I will always tell the truth even if it hurts, and I will be real and open and truthful about how I am feeling even when it makes me look immature and irresponsibly. Consider me to be A star sapphire on the emotional spectrum and quick to anger. (Chris’s influence)

I think I bring Craig up now because I yesterday I was able to spend some time with the Ex boyfriend of my best friend Heidi, Nate.

It sounds a bit strange that I am now really good friends of my best friends ex boyfriend only now after they’ve broke up but certain factors have changed in both our lives that made it easier for us to relate to one another and bond on different levels…we came together to support each other because we needed each other. And the universe brings strange people into your life to be guardians and comforters(Like Jake Babcock, Ian Morris and Vincent Rumfelt.)

Nate and I were both in interestingly dysfunctional long term relationships where the warning signs were everywhere. Nate and I both decided to work through our problems in our relationships because we both felt that in our relationships the bad could be worked through to get to the good. My philosophy was that relationships were hard work and people don’t have to like each other all the time but they could still love each other. In Nate and Heidi’s relationship things were ended mutually after four years and Nate claims that he could see the warning signs coming from a mile away and that he allowed his breakup to happen because he was ready for it to end when my personal relationship was only half that time and I had no clue the end was coming and I wasn’t prepared for it whatever…but the tall tale signs were there and now that I think about it I should have seen them.

The thing that both Nate and I struggle with is that when we were in our relationships we were both blinded by the love we had for our former significant others and because of that we put up with a lot of (forgive my french) Crap that we didn’t deserve.

Nate and I hung out and we talked about relationships and why and how people have the ability to grow stronger from them. We talked about finding our 2nd true loves in life and we pondered if life was actually cruel enough to leave us old and alone.

Both Nate and I have pretty much the same goals and aspirations about what we’d like to find in the next person we decide to commit our time and ourselves to. We talked about what we personally needed to work on when we were in our relationships…our problems that contributed to the dysfunction.

Nate told me that Heidi had shaped him into a certain kind of person yet that he’d learned that he was the person before she was around and that he became a better person because he was able to share that part of himself with her.

So I thought about my Deprivation and about myself at fourteen when I first started chatting with Craig. I thought about the person I may have become had he not been there to help, guide and make me want to be a better person.

And I stopped depriving myself from the things in life that made me happy…and surprisingly they didn’t hurt.

Catching up on my Fringe Season 3 today was a blast and it didn’t hurt me. I wondered to myself why I’d missed such a great show over something so small as to the fact that Craig and I used to watch and talk about the show all the time.

And I listened to The Bird and the Bee again and OKGo…staples of my Scotland soundtrack.

And I’m working on my killing my clingyness so I can have a productive relationship without smothering Whoever I end up with.

I am ending my ex boyfriend deprivation and I’m finding more of myself in the new blend of my old likes and new likes.

And here a list of all my ex’s

-Jason Caucasian Age 22 January 17, 1989 (1 year)
-Scott Age 23? (6 months)
and now
-Craig Age 21 July 22nd 1989 (2 Years)

Thinking back on my relationships with all these men has made me realize one thing.

I have a major daddy complex otherwise defined as an Electra complex.

All the men I’ve ever dated or wanted I’ve liked because they’ve been able to better me and make me into a different stronger person. They were able to take me to try new things that my father and brothers were never able to.

Since I was a young girl I’ve never had a man in my life who has been there for me when I needed him.

My older brother doesn’t like me because of some drama that happened between us as children.

I do not want to establish a relationship with my father because I do not want to stand back and watch and support him even though he is being a deadbeat dad.

I’ve been told that as a person in a relationship I am needy and extremely intense.

I’m honest and down to earth but I love the attention and affection.

This is often too much for men to handle.

I can’t think of my life without being dependent on someone or something. As a singular person I lack in personality and personal drive.

A daddy complex is what happens to a young girl when her father is absent and has left a void in the girl life.

I found myself befriending every bus driver I’ve ever had as long as he was male…And I’m even still friends with my High school bus driver Jimmy…I’m planning his wedding! I remember at first I liked that he talked to me because no other kids on the bus really did…then we talked all the time and I started being kidnapped by him as dropped off last because he liked the company and so did I. Then we started hanging out outside of the bus and he would give me rides on his motorcycle and I remember holding onto his waist and wishing I was a few years older and more attractive. Then as I grew up Jimmy and I established a very playful professional relationship as I fell deeply in love with his children. And now I feel like a mother to them. It’s strange though that at the same time I was creating a crazy fun relationship with a bus driver from his same company…who would also kidnap me because he liked my company.

I always make an effort to talk to men who are my bus drivers but I never do have good conversations with women. Women drive me insane.

I filled the void in my life with men and sex and a need to be wanted and needed from people of the opposite sex. I spent time as a teenage girl reading every romance novel I could get my hands on to study to try to understand how men of the opposite sex thought so I could get them to like me easier.

I feel more comfortable around men now because I like feeling protected with them around.

I am not a typical daddy complex case because i seem to be liking men younger and younger now.

At first i was only attracted to older men…i had a huge thing for a guy named Dan who used to be an americorp fellow at my school around the same time my parents got a divorce.

That was the first time i found out what it was like to be attracted to an older man. Outside of the crush I had on my student teacher Mr. R in fifth grade.

My obsession with older men made it so that I acted older than my own age and I became a very ‘old soul’ before my time. Part of my becoming an old soul was my exploring the internet to find out what men truly liked.

I explored horny chat rooms and crazy singles websites to find men who wanted me and would be able to do anything for me so they could get sex. I became online a major tease when personally I wasn’t even old enough to approach a man.

As I grew older and began to express myself I found that I always had a man that I would attach myself to as a mentor or as a father figure whether it was my play uncles or my male family therapist. I remember that right after my parents got divorced in church that man I looked up to was a family friend who went by brother Bobby. Brother Bobby never did anything to me but I remember thinking that I wanted him to take me home so i could be his daughter instead of my father’s.

As I grew older I no longer wanted to be the daughter but instead would look at a guy and instantly want to be his daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, or mistress anything to get my foot in the door.

I looked at God as the father who I needed to become better acquainted with and in a way I learned that what I had with the men in the world and the way I idolized them and got hurt by them was an illness.

I have a hard time being with myself and only with myself because I want someone to tell me that the path I’m taking is the right one. I see good fathers who have advice for their children and I get jealous and I look for men who will be good fathers for my children. But when I search for men I search for husbands and lovers and not boyfriends and friends. I search for a long term commitment which I realize most men are incapable to creating easily without a physical attraction…so I give them what they want physically too soon and I end up getting hurt.

For about 3 years I’ve established a texting relationship with a guy named Jeremy and I would consider him my friend though we’ve never met.

My mother is a strong and very wise woman….she’s been my primary support through my whole life.

When asked yesterday where my father was and what he was doing I had to answer that my father worked ‘around’ and that I wasn’t really sure where or what he did. I said that I used to live with my mother and after my parents separated that my mother was my primary care giver and provider until I moved out of her house.

But then the person asked if my father still helped to support me in anyway way and thinking about it truly hurt me.
No…he didn’t. The last thing he did for me was to take me to work when I didn’t have any bus fare…that was the first time I’d really asked him for a favor since I’d been planning to move to Scotland and I’d need help with money and he’d given me 100 dollars.

I remember when he’d been in the car with me he’d talked to be about how he was working on replacing a part of a toilet…I must need help because I feel that he owes my mother something and that the money he made there should have gone to her.

She’s the one whose raised his children and supported them for all these years…Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that he’s making money that is only going to supporting himself when he has six children. He only interacts really now with my little sister Cynthia because it seems that my brother Eric has cut him off…and he talks to my brother Evan who has cut my mother and I off.

My father has a college degree and he chooses to not get a job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. My father lives in a house that he doesn’t have to pay for on the meager wages he gets from doing freelance handyman work around the twin cities. My father has tried to establish a relationship with me multiple times but I’m finding it extremely hard to want to support him and be around him when he should have gotten a good job to help my mother raise me and my siblings. Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that my mother can barely afford cancer treatments because my father isn’t paying the 12,000 dollars in child support that he needs to. If my father were to pay for the child support my mother would be able to use the money that she is using for my sister’s school tuition to pay for her cancer treatments. My father doesn’t care for my mother at all and if my mother dies of cancer I will blame him.

I looked up deadbeat dad on google to find out what my father really was…I’d heard before that men who didn’t pay their child support were deadbeat…

But I needed to know for myself.

Noun

S: (n) deadbeat dad (a father who willfully defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring)

That is what my father has done to my family for many years.

He says he wants to make things right with me and my siblings but I want this to be the first step.

Is he ill and incapable of finding a job?

My mother is ill with two diseases and she still gets up everyday and works her butt off for her children.

What is up with him other than that he is getting older?

So what he’s getting grays…so what his eye sight is bad…why is he subjecting himself to poverty to not have to pay child support.

Sure he’s going through a depression…yet he refuses to seek help.

He’s constantly talking about how he is going to die soon…we don’t know if that means he’s going to kill himself or what.

All I know is that there was a time that he had many dreams. He would get up everyday and I’d admire the way he looked in his suit and tie when he went off the work. I truly believed that he could do anything he set his mind to because he was an intelligent well educated articulate black man. There was nothing that he couldn’t do when he set his mind to it.

Deep down in me I want to believe that he is still that man and that he can start anew…even at his age. I want to believe that my father hasn’t given up on life and taking care of his children.

Paying child support would be all it took for me to respect him again but I haven’t seen it and all I see is my mother struggling in all this by herself. And it is wearing on her and I know that it is wearing on her and actually killing her.

My mother is dying and my father is deciding to sit back and do nothing but watch.

My father is a deadbeat dad, but I believe that if he tried he could get a job and start anew and be so much more.

want to play a quick game?
it is really easy
all you have to day is answer some questions

sure

ok. question one:
what is your favorite color?

Pink

could you tell me three adjectives about that color/how it makes you feel/etc.
for example, mine is green
and i would say, lively, cool, and harmonious

Warm, Energized, Special

ok
next: what is your favorite animal?

not sure

well, even just at the moment- an animal you are fond of or feel a connection to
it can be a mythical one even if you like

maybe the kinkajou I’ve had cats my whole life so probably a Dog

ok
now same thing- three adjectives

a kinkajou or dog

ok

um…appreciated, loving, companionship
friendly

ok
we’ll go with those
next one
this will sound similar, but it is different. . .

k

let’s pretend you could have a dream pet- something that fulfills every thing you’d ever want in a pet
what would this pet be like?

…can I say a man?

three things
LOL
it is just a description

um..
reliable, cuddly, constant

ok
last but not least

k

what is your favorite body of water?

Aegean Sea

one last time

what?

three adjectives for it

k
um Blue, Calm, Romantic

interesting
all done
want to know what it all means now?

sure

the color adjectives are supposed to indicate how you view yourself
so you see yourself as a warn, energetic, and special person
*warm

lol
k

the animal adjectives are supposed to be how others view you
so appreciated, loving and friendly- that is how friends think of you
i could buy that
guess what your dream pet adjectives indicate?

um…your perfect mate?

not so much that as qualities you appreciate in a significant other
which is why you were quite amusing when you said a man
you like reliable, cuddly, men, who won’t leave your side especially in a crisis

yeah
that’s so funny!
crazy coincidence

the funniest part is next

k

the body of water?

yeah

sex

lol
okay…this is like a crazy madlib

calm and romantic, eh?

lol

LOL

wow…

but it really fits, i am guessing

2:25pm
yeah
it fits me pretty well

that was a date doctor game

You are Dead to me
And I will try not to mourn you because you’re evil and you don’t deserve that energy.
You’re a waste of my time.