Corinne's Blog

So I’ve comprised a list of all the men I’ve ever dated/Kissed or have really gotten close to.

And here a list of all my ex’s

-Jason Caucasian Age 22 January 17, 1989 (1 year)
-Scott Age 23? (6 months)
and now
-Craig Age 21 July 22nd 1989 (2 Years)

Thinking back on my relationships with all these men has made me realize one thing.

I have a major daddy complex otherwise defined as an Electra complex.

All the men I’ve ever dated or wanted I’ve liked because they’ve been able to better me and make me into a different stronger person. They were able to take me to try new things that my father and brothers were never able to.

Since I was a young girl I’ve never had a man in my life who has been there for me when I needed him.

My older brother doesn’t like me because of some drama that happened between us as children.

I do not want to establish a relationship with my father because I do not want to stand back and watch and support him even though he is being a deadbeat dad.

I’ve been told that as a person in a relationship I am needy and extremely intense.

I’m honest and down to earth but I love the attention and affection.

This is often too much for men to handle.

I can’t think of my life without being dependent on someone or something. As a singular person I lack in personality and personal drive.

A daddy complex is what happens to a young girl when her father is absent and has left a void in the girl life.

I found myself befriending every bus driver I’ve ever had as long as he was male…And I’m even still friends with my High school bus driver Jimmy…I’m planning his wedding! I remember at first I liked that he talked to me because no other kids on the bus really did…then we talked all the time and I started being kidnapped by him as dropped off last because he liked the company and so did I. Then we started hanging out outside of the bus and he would give me rides on his motorcycle and I remember holding onto his waist and wishing I was a few years older and more attractive. Then as I grew up Jimmy and I established a very playful professional relationship as I fell deeply in love with his children. And now I feel like a mother to them. It’s strange though that at the same time I was creating a crazy fun relationship with a bus driver from his same company…who would also kidnap me because he liked my company.

I always make an effort to talk to men who are my bus drivers but I never do have good conversations with women. Women drive me insane.

I filled the void in my life with men and sex and a need to be wanted and needed from people of the opposite sex. I spent time as a teenage girl reading every romance novel I could get my hands on to study to try to understand how men of the opposite sex thought so I could get them to like me easier.

I feel more comfortable around men now because I like feeling protected with them around.

I am not a typical daddy complex case because i seem to be liking men younger and younger now.

At first i was only attracted to older men…i had a huge thing for a guy named Dan who used to be an americorp fellow at my school around the same time my parents got a divorce.

That was the first time i found out what it was like to be attracted to an older man. Outside of the crush I had on my student teacher Mr. R in fifth grade.

My obsession with older men made it so that I acted older than my own age and I became a very ‘old soul’ before my time. Part of my becoming an old soul was my exploring the internet to find out what men truly liked.

I explored horny chat rooms and crazy singles websites to find men who wanted me and would be able to do anything for me so they could get sex. I became online a major tease when personally I wasn’t even old enough to approach a man.

As I grew older and began to express myself I found that I always had a man that I would attach myself to as a mentor or as a father figure whether it was my play uncles or my male family therapist. I remember that right after my parents got divorced in church that man I looked up to was a family friend who went by brother Bobby. Brother Bobby never did anything to me but I remember thinking that I wanted him to take me home so i could be his daughter instead of my father’s.

As I grew older I no longer wanted to be the daughter but instead would look at a guy and instantly want to be his daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, or mistress anything to get my foot in the door.

I looked at God as the father who I needed to become better acquainted with and in a way I learned that what I had with the men in the world and the way I idolized them and got hurt by them was an illness.

I have a hard time being with myself and only with myself because I want someone to tell me that the path I’m taking is the right one. I see good fathers who have advice for their children and I get jealous and I look for men who will be good fathers for my children. But when I search for men I search for husbands and lovers and not boyfriends and friends. I search for a long term commitment which I realize most men are incapable to creating easily without a physical attraction…so I give them what they want physically too soon and I end up getting hurt.

For about 3 years I’ve established a texting relationship with a guy named Jeremy and I would consider him my friend though we’ve never met.

So I had this dream today around midday when I was home for break between my two shifts. I couldn’t help myself from falling asleep because my room had gotten to that perfect temperature where I was completely comfortable.

In my dream I’d already been broken up with Craig as I am now and I had an abundance of money and an abundance of time on my hands. I decided to take a flight I remember it being ‘the next flight’ to Scotland. In the dream I knew that I wanted to get a hold of Craig somehow but I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to hunt him down because I know and can’t forget where he lives or if I wanted to hangout in the places that I knew he often frequented over the summer. This was apparently the Summer because in the dream I wore a beautiful pink and white striped sleeveless sun dress and I remember watching myself soaking up the summer sun as I walked from the Edinburgh City center to The Orchard a local pub a few blocks from Craig’s house.

I remember sitting in a booth at the orchard reading a local newspaper hoping that Craig would casually walk in and when he did and he recognized me he didn’t do anything to approach me so I just sat and tried to pretend like I didn’t notice him noticing me until he finally decided to leave and I felt a pain in my stomach for not having ‘done anything’.

Then I cut to a scene of me going to Craig’s neighbor’s house and asking them to do me a favor because I personally can’t feign a Scottish accent to save my life. The neighbor agrees to ring the McCreath bell and say over the intercom that there is a package that must be signed for by a Mr. Craig McCreath waiting downstairs. Of course then Craig would come down only to see me thanking the neighbor for their help in my little lie and after an awkward hello I’d ask Craig to give me a chance and not run away but rather to take a walk with me.

He surprisingly agrees and we take a walk and talk about our relationship and where it went wrong…and he tells me why he broke up with me and he tells me that he’s sorry and I apologize for all the wrongs I did him and eventually he’d invite me out for a bite. I’d share with him that I only planned to stay for a day or two and that I was staying in Edinburgh in a local hostel or hotel.

For the next few days we’d rekindle our love for each other and before I was right about to leave he’d tell me that he wanted me back and that he didn’t want to lose me again. And we’d kiss and make up completely…of course all my family and friends back home would be disappointed that I went back to that guy who’d broken my heart but I’d tell all those people back home that they should be happy for me because I was happily in love.

That would be the perfect and ideal way for me to spend my weekend actually and I remember waking from my dream wishing I had that sundress and that it was summer and that I had an abundance of time and an abundance of money to do just that. And I tried not to get upset with Craig for not telling me why he broke up with me outside of that we were growing apart and I tried not to get upset with Craig because he didn’t attempt to come see me ever. And I am trying to not pain over Craig because I am still hurt because he isn’t speaking to me or acknowledging that I exist or that I meant anything to him while we were together. And I’m trying not to pain myself and obsess over him right now while I wonder how and what he is doing because I know he doesn’t love me and that it’s over and that I should be MOVING ON like everyone keeps telling me to.

But it’s hard and everything about Craig that I felt when I loved him isn’t going away and I hate myself for still loving him though he’s hurt me and I’m ready to move on.

I want to move on because I think he has.

I was reading a romance novel that is a culmination of many short romantic stories because I’ve started reading romance again so I can give new life to my dead idea that REAL TRUE LOVE IS DEAD. So I was reading the third short story in the book just a little bit ago and one of the characters gives up her virginity after twenty four years to the male character and he keeps asking her ‘why him?’ and how did he deserve such a precious gift. And I thought…if Craig really doesn’t love me as he does now then why did he give me his virginity.

Most of you who have asked me would know or could have guessed that Craig and I were sexually involved and that I was Craig’s first girlfriend. Most of you if you cared would have realized that I gave myself to Craig going completely against my religious beliefs because I felt that if you love someone as much as I loved Craig that marriage happens in the act of love making as we experience. I married Craig when I agreed to have sex with him and i committed and gave myself to him.

If he didn’t love me than Why did he pick me? And how can he not love the person he gave that gift to? How can he not love me after creating that bond between us? He was the first virginity I’ve ever taken and he’s probably going to be my last….My first reason being because I can’t see myself committing to a person in that kind of way for a long time and the second reason being because like in my dream I still want Craig back.

I don’t understand and I’m confused and my heart is beginning to hurt and long for him again.
He truly killed me with all the pain he put me through and he continues to kill me as he ignores that an us ever happened…did he ever pain from losing me?! Did he cry and kill himself over making that decision….How bad did it hurt him? I want to know because I need closure before I can begin to heal…I need to know that I meant something to him. Will I ever be able to get anywhere in my life without this feeling or regret that I didn’t fight harder to keep him?

I couldn’t get on that plane but what is stopping me now that I have the money? Will it make any difference? Can I change his mind? Will I ever be able to love another man if Craig is completely lost to me? Yes I recognize that there are handsome men in the world but I don’t want any of them. Am I broken and tainted now…and I fated to become a nun?

All I can think of is a sick mantra the dream me used when he was getting on the plane to strengthen herself…I remembered it when I woke and even said it out loud to assure to myself that my dream had actually happened.

God mend this broken heart.

It seems to be the only thing I can say that can make my pains ease for a bit…when I feel this pain my whole body suffers and as I write this post I can even feel my back tensing up.

This is like a little prayer and by saying it over and over again it is helping me focus myself and my body, my mind and spirit back on my God who should be the number one focus in my life and not my pains for Craig.

God mend this broken heart…..God mend this broken heart…..God mend my broken heart…..God mend this broken heart…..God mend my broken heart…..God mend my broken heart…..God mend this broken heart…..God mend this broken heart….God mend my broken heart.

kay

want to play a quick game?
it is really easy
all you have to day is answer some questions

sure

ok. question one:
what is your favorite color?

Pink

could you tell me three adjectives about that color/how it makes you feel/etc.
for example, mine is green
and i would say, lively, cool, and harmonious

Warm, Energized, Special

ok
next: what is your favorite animal?

not sure

well, even just at the moment- an animal you are fond of or feel a connection to
it can be a mythical one even if you like

maybe the kinkajou I’ve had cats my whole life so probably a Dog

ok
now same thing- three adjectives

a kinkajou or dog

ok

um…appreciated, loving, companionship
friendly

ok
we’ll go with those
next one
this will sound similar, but it is different. . .

k

let’s pretend you could have a dream pet- something that fulfills every thing you’d ever want in a pet
what would this pet be like?

…can I say a man?

three things
LOL
it is just a description

um..
reliable, cuddly, constant

ok
last but not least

k

what is your favorite body of water?

Aegean Sea

one last time

what?

three adjectives for it

k
um Blue, Calm, Romantic

interesting
all done
want to know what it all means now?

sure

the color adjectives are supposed to indicate how you view yourself
so you see yourself as a warn, energetic, and special person
*warm

lol
k

the animal adjectives are supposed to be how others view you
so appreciated, loving and friendly- that is how friends think of you
i could buy that
guess what your dream pet adjectives indicate?

um…your perfect mate?

not so much that as qualities you appreciate in a significant other
which is why you were quite amusing when you said a man
you like reliable, cuddly, men, who won’t leave your side especially in a crisis

yeah
that’s so funny!
crazy coincidence

the funniest part is next

k

the body of water?

yeah

sex

lol
okay…this is like a crazy madlib

calm and romantic, eh?

lol

LOL

wow…

but it really fits, i am guessing

2:25pm
yeah
it fits me pretty well

that was a date doctor game

Corinne S: Can I share a sad sad tale with you?

byron trautmann: Ok

Corinne S: there once was a girl, lets say her name was Corinne and she lived in a big house in minneapolis with 5 strapping gentlemen.

byron trautmann: Lol ok

Corinne S: One day she was paying outside for too long during a blizzard and it caused her to become deathly ill.

byron trautmann: :(

Corinne S: She was trapped in her small room with no medicine and no one to take care of her for 2 days. the strapping gentlemen she lived with turned out to be self centered pigs

byron trautmann: That’s no good

Corinne S: After two days she developed a terrible fever and she thought it would be the true death of her. She decided to call the one person she thought still cared about her. Can you guess who that one person may have been?

byron trautmann: You lol

Corinne S: let me give you a hint: It wasn’t a strapping Prince because she realized not so long ago that princes are all jerks and assholes …She couldn’t call herself because she was completely too weak to do anything, she barely had enough energy to type on her computer.

byron trautmann: :(

Corinne S: give up?

byron trautmann: It was you

Corinne S: Okay you obviously can’t figure it out, well she decided to call the one person who she knew who’d given her life…her dear mother who lived not so far away in North Minneapolis

byron trautmann: Cool

Corinne S: her caring mother told her that she was busy with meetings but would be by to rescue the poor girl as soon those meetings were over. Well the girl waited and as she waited her fever slowly began rising and rising until she passed out on her couch and into a deep sleep. About an hour later she was woken by the cold hands of her mother with orders to pack up for the mother was taking the girl to the land of North Minneapolis with her to provide her with proper care.

byron trautmann: Lol nice

Corinne S: The young girl was completely elated and she packed her bag as swiftly as she could considering her condition and she walked with her mother through the freezing cold and to the old rickety car. They set off finally to the land of North Minneapolis. But along the way the mother stopped at the castle of Target and told the girl that she’d only be a moment. For the mother realized she didn’t have any medicines in the kingdom of North Minneapolis to help her poor fevered daughter.

byron trautmann: Cool

Corinne S: Too weak to walk inside the girl agreed to wait in the rickety car while the mother went inside for 2 things…medicine and gloves. the girl was in a lot of pain but she knew how fast the task could be done, she estimated about 10 minutes at maximum and that they’d be on their way after that so she agreed. The girl waited in the car for the designated time but there was still no sign of the mother. 10 minutes went by…20 minutes went by… 30 minutes went by….when suddenly an hour had gone passed the girl was confused at worried.she mustered up all her strength and marched bravely into the target to retrieve her mother. she found her mother in the check out line with 2 whole carts of clothing and still no medicine. frustrated and confused the girl told her mother of her pains while she waited and finally the mother went and got medicine.

Because the girl had complained of her hour wait in the car and because the mother was really evil deep down inside and cared more about herself than her poor sick daughter the mother turned around and took the poor weak sick girl right back to her house, the same house in which she lived with the 5 men who didn’t care about her. The mother gave the girl the medicine and sped off without a trace or a care. The poor sick girl did get a chance to say thank you for the medicine before she’d gotten out of the car though, because she was still grateful so the sick girl went back up to her room and took the proper dosage of medication, though it pained her to open the bottles, and she settled down to a conversation with the only nice young gentlemen who was nice enough to say hello.

She discovered that he too was sick.
the end
[12/14/2010 11:19:06 PM] byron trautmann: Well are you feeling better?
[12/14/2010 11:20:04 PM] Corinne S: slightly.My fever seems to be breaking. Nyquill in system falling asleep

[12/14/2010 11:28:26 PM] byron trautmann: That good: )

I’ve gotten to the point where mornings are a happy time and nights are when all my feelings and emotions about Craig have been coming to my mind a to a head.

I wonder if this is similar to the alzheimers patients at the nursing homes at which I did my clinical days. They all had to most trouble and emotional distress at night before they needed to go to bed but during the morning hours everything seemed in them to be completely fine and they seemed like totally normal people.

At this point I’ve gotten to blaming Craig for everything bad that is happening in my life.

eg. the bad weather, my bad mood, my illnesses, my missing my bus, my not being able to find my winter boots and hat, the way I hate when people spit on the sidewalk, that annoying sound the hallway floor makes when I walk down on it and much more etc.

All things bad at this point I’ve found myself associating with him.

I don’t want to be in a bad mood during the day when I think of him and I’m trying to get out of the habit of thinking of his habits…

like things he’s said to me over the phone and the way he used to make me laugh.

He is associated with so much good in my life but the feelings I get when I think of him make me feel really bad when I think about those same things.

Good things I used to associate with him have now become the things I avoid because they only bring me pain.

I feel that I may be able to remedy these feelings if I were to simply be able to chat with Craig and ask him why, or just say goodbye to him.

But right now he’s completely ignoring me. The last time I talked to him was on the 14th of November the day before I got held up, we had a fantastic video call that I ended with what had become my regular “I love you” farewell salutation.

The last memory I had of Craig was a great one and the last pictures I have of Craig were sent to me in complete fun.

I don’t understand how so much bad can spawn from so much good.

And because he’s not willing to face me and help me figure this out I am completely lost to these emotions being the roller-coaster they are. I’ve been watching movies lately trying not to think of him but considering how my favorite genre of film is probably the independent romantic comedy and drama, I’ve been having a really hard time not being reminded of him.

I’ve been considering switching my favorite genre to horror films so I’m so scared out of my pants that I forget all about Craig but I realize that those films only make me want to hold the hand of someone who I can trust and I think once again to the bad guy in this story.

I wish I wasn’t such an emotional person, when I was crying to my mother multiple times these last few weeks uncontrollably she told me that she couldn’t deal with me. She’d gone through her own troubles with men and considering how she’d had to go through the pain of a 26 year marriage then a divorce all by herself and still be strong for her children, in comparison a two year relationship is nothing special.

“Salone woman don’t cry over men.” I remember my mom repeatedly instructing me.

The first time I’d ever heard that from her was when I’d been dumped by Scott Haiden the day we’d moved into our new apartment…he’d made my room a place that reminded me of sadness.

Now I’m hearing this from my mother over Craig along with her saying that she doesn’t want me to talk about him and that I shouldn’t want to talk to him again.

I shouldn’t want him in my life at all, but with this roller coaster happening daily and giving me a positive feeling in the mornings that I might be able to rekindle a friendship with Craig in the mornings I can’t help but feel miserable at night when Craig avoids me and refuses to answer my messages.

What a cruel thing to do to a person when you say you still want to be their ‘good friend’.

I’ve stopped checking up on him daily because it pains me that he is not showing any signs of mourning the loss of me in his life. I know that is selfish that I want him in pain but some sign that he misses me is always better for ones self esteem than no sign what so ever.

Maybe keeping myself busy may help, I am working like I used to and I’m trying to figure out where I sit at my school this semester.

I’m hoping that soon my thoughts of what Craig was to me will fade in time.

I realize now that’s we’d developed a rhythm in our conversation over the years that I haven’t been able to pick up with any of my other male friends (Outside of Alex Jeffrey but at the moment I’m upset with him.) I’m hoping to find someone in my life later who will be able to know me and read me as Craig did.

I hate hearing people say that I should simply forget about him and never mention him again, I can’t help my being surrounded by constant reminders of him because in the deepest part of my being I can see him being the and being my beginning and end…Like in the movie Peter and Vandy.

I’ve been watching a lot of great movies to help me understand my terrible and happy feelings.

1) Someone like you

2) Peter and Vandy

3) 100 Days of Summer

I hope to never bump into Craig in life somewhere on the streets and have that awkward moment where we ask each other what we are both doing in life only to discover that Craig moved on and met some beautiful woman and got married to her and after dumping me never looked back and thought about what we were and may have been.

That’s a lot to think about.

I’m trying to not let my emotions run wild as I search for someone or something to fill this void in my heart that Craig has created.

I talked to Michael Craig’s old classmate and he said that he’d talked to Craig, not about me but since we broke up and he says that Craig seems to be doing fine.

Michael told me that I didn’t love Craig and that Love had nothing to do with my liking of how Craig made me feel. He says I do this to myself…the sadness and the pain is a feeling that I create for myself and wouldn’t be present if I’d been the one doing the dumping…if I’d been in control, if I’d won.

I liked how Craig made me feel special and important and that’s what I thought was a feeling of love when really love isn’t a feeling at all but an action. Fitz says that I need to simply move on because it is obvious that Craig has.

I don’t understand how Craig can be acting like himself when he’s hurt his friend the way he has.

But I guess we aren’t really friends anymore.

It’s impossible to be friends with a person after a relationship like this when after 2 years they just change their minds about their feelings for you.

After Craig just changed his mind about his feelings for me…How can I now be his friend?

So he’s not broken up about me and ‘he’s won’ as my housemates would call it.

They say he’s won this dog race of a break up with flying closers and I am the sad loser crawling home with my tail between my legs.

I don’t really care that he’s won, I just wish I could find a person who I could develop that rhythm with again.

They keep telling me that there are plenty of other fish in the sea…But I have yet to find one that I’d like to even consider baiting a hook for.

Gosh, …maybe 1 or 2 but Still…they aren’t interesting in biting (especially not for me.

Anyway, I just hope that this crazy bipolar emotional roller coaster I’m on slows down or comes to a stand still soon because I’d like to see if I can get somewhere in my life without this pain.