Corinne's Blog

Renuevame
renuevame, senor jesus ya no quiero ser igual renuevame, senor jesus pon en mi tu corazon -chorus- por que todo lo que hay dentro de mi necesita ser cambiado senor por que todo lo que hay dentro de mi corazon necesita mas de ti

It’s amazing how your life can change drastically at the drop of a hat. Since getting back I’ve had a lot of time to work on and develop some areas of my life that I didn’t think or what to have to need to for a long time.

It’s been actually nice working and living so close to my family. My mom is around during the day to talk to and I can go down and get a free meal whenever there’s nothing available at my own house. Forgive me, it’s not just the food that’s been nice about it but that my mother has become a positive motivator for me to get off my ass and get some work done.

Sometimes she tells me things I don’t want to hear or she tries to talk about things that she herself doesn’t understand (as in my life when she’s not around). I hate it when people try to tell me what’s going on from my perspective when they themselves aren’t me.

In a way I love the way Craig and I communicate, he doesn’t try to live my life for me like my mother does. Craig takes the back road and is always there to listen, but when I want him to pipe up with his opinion he is often more than happy to say absolutely nothing and he will downright refuse…Even if I beg him.

For example:

me: Craig should I go back Hamline or go to MCTC for Nursing school?

Craig: It’s your life and your decision

me: Come on Craig! I really need you to help me with this…

Craig: All I know is that you have always been good at one thing ever since I’ve known you.

me: And what’s that?

Craig: Caring for others.

Craig and I are different in many ways, nothing I do can change his mind about the way he runs things. It’s hard for me because I really wish he could see things from my perspective sometimes. Like in Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy, I wish I had a gun that I could shoot at Craig to make him see things my way, then he probably would never tell me no. I do depend on him to help me make a lot of my life decisions because the way I see it is that Craig will be a huge part of my life in the future so I’d like it where his life was also my life and vis versa.

Anyway, He was there to help me determine some of my short term goals for me this past week.

Craig and I have started something that I would consider dating. Before deportation we often would talk but only about my travels and in preparation. Now after my deportation we are both coming to terms with that fact that nothing is going to be changing about our living situations anytime soon…I don’t want to say that I am ‘giving up on Scotland for awhile’ but the fact is that…I AM.

It took me a lot of time and money to get prepared for Scotland and all that time and money I feel now is null and void.

So Craig and my solution to this is getting together once everyday or every other day and watching an online television show, such as Fringe or Doctor Who.

It’s been a good way for me to get what I refer to as ‘my fix’ of Craig because sometimes Craig to me is like a drug that I can’t live without for a long time. There’s something about him that draws me back over and over again. It might be his sense of humor that makes me feel like an optimist or the way he looks at me (via webcam) that makes me feel like someone out there “love-loves” me.

On these tv dates we also try to talk about other things in our lives and steer away from talking about the deportation and travelling…and being together, I’m sick and tired of talking about MISSING CRAIG…we all know that already.

Craig helped me develop a list of short term goals that I feel I could accomplish over these next few months.

I wanted to post these and thank Craig for helping me think of them.

-get a job away from my family:

As in not where I feel that family life and work life mesh at all. (my boss shouldn’t know my mother unless I introduce them, even then.)

-school: Go to school in something I am good at (caring for others=nursing?)

-move…away.

I want to go somewhere where I’m not familiar with my surroundings. I did it once when I moved to Brooklyn Park…I want to do it again.

-assert independence long term job.

A long term job would help me get the money i needed to DO WHAT I WANT!

-new focus of study

I want to figure out a vocation…whether music or health

-lose weight (size 12?) explains itself…get to the gym, drinking water

-eat healthier i normally eat healthy but eating non junk food i have trouble saying no to it right now and I want to learn how.

-join jogging group

this goal is also me saying…get into jogging outside again or start exercising in other ways outside. (bike, swimming)

-Craig not major in my life.

Craig and I should have separate lives that we invite each other into, in a way my life has been evolving around that fact that I was going to be in Craig’s life, now that has changed.

-totally different life by this time next year. 5/8/2010 20min to 4.

Pretty much review what I’ve accomplished at this same time next year.

-constructive time with Craig.

no more conversations about how much we miss each other…if that time is simply us being in a phone call and seeing each other but not talking it’s the feeling of doing something together that counts.

-Sleep under stars

get back to camping and the great outdoors

-Learn to love myself

weight loss, finding my purpose, getting new clothes, pampering myself in a spa or salon, getting my nails did

-identify 100 things that make me happy other than money

something I plan on doing on my blog over time.

-save the world

being more environmentally conscious.

-Shop for new clothes

my style needs to change and become more feminine

-Get out of Debt

* Hamline

2000

* ATM card

400

* New Passport

150

* New Visa

400

*Past Due Rent

900

*New Apt.

????

-stop stressing so much

-Write down everything I want from life.

in a blog

-Beat Guitar Hero on Hard

-Find a job I love

-Write a good novel

Something that my new free time is allowing me to do…the Colored Sands of Isabel Candace is coming along!

-Find my inner child

Little John is helping me do that Daily…it will begin with me finding my imagination again, or maybe when I learn to run again.

-Learn more Italian, French and Hindi

-get teacher certification

-Sing and act

-Improve my posture.

-Live in the moment

I’m an extreme forward thinker and I want to enjoy the here and now more (even in saying that I am planning to do so.)

-Be a better Friend

not as pushy and forward

-Master the Violin

I want to get into some type of group that plays…or to buy music and practice it.

-Discuss Sex very loudly in a restaurant

with Craig in July when he arrives.

-Break into Craig’s “apt” and have the best sex I’ve ever had. (Craig being cheeky)

to end my dry spell.

I want to call these goals MY New *News*…New things I’d like to accomplish to become a NEW me :D I think accomplishing these goals will help me get closer to achieving what I want in life.

I burnt myself out when it came to school. I’m trying to make the decision if I want to re-register to Hamline University or not. It’s rather frustrating because Hamline is such a great school but I wasn’t happy there. I couldn’t pursue what I feel are the things I’m passionate about.

Looking at my transcript and the array of letter grades it shows is proving to me that I stretched myself too thin. I wasn’t working in anything that I wanted to or was passionate about and all the hard work I had put into University didn’t even get me anywhere as I can see from my final grades.

I feel that a return to Hamline would find me back in the same boat. Depressed, broke, overworked, tired and trying hard to do my best in classes for the sake of my family. I could simply take less classes than last time but I’d still not be doing what I wanted to do to qualify me for what I see myself doing in the future.

I thought a transfer to another university would be the best decision for me. I want to find a school with classes that will challenge me and teach me new things but that will not stress me out. I felt that many of my Hamline classes demanded so much of my attention that I rarely was doing anything at all to improve myself in my personal strength. That’s not the kind of person I’d like to be I want to improve as a person as I’m learning and I want to find classes that can help me do that. I’m a hands on kind of person who needs my hard work to be reflected in my grade.

I’m trying to make the decision of if I want to return to Hamline because I don’t see myself having a successful future there. I really enjoyed my time there and it was a great experience but I can’t see anything there that can help me with my goals for the future and what I want to be.

That decision I haven’t even been able to figure out.

What do I want to do?

-I want to be a photographer

-I want to be a chef

-I want to be a musician

-I want to make a difference in other people’s lives

-I wouldn’t mind working in hospitality.

-I love weddings and event planning.

-I can see myself working in an entertainment field.

-I have a passion for travelling

-I want to be a mom someday, not stay at home but…available.

What is it that could combines all my passions that can help me in the future.

I must consider my boyfriend Craig and his future as well because I can see us with the semblance of separate lives that he has and that I am trying to create us coexisting with our two careers at one point. Craig himself could be working anywhere, home or in an office somewhere. I want to be able to bring something to the table that can help Craig rather than hinder him if we ever decide to get married.

Craig is doing something he is truly passionate about and I see that everyday. I want to do something that I am passionate about but I’m not sure where I’ll be able to find the training to help me do that.

Looking back at Hamline University it doesn’t seem to be the place where I can find this training. Though as a Liberal arts university it can train me in numerous other fields I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for in the classes that they provided.

I know that returning to a form of higher education and earning a degree or multiple degrees is something that I must do in order to see myself successful but returning to Hamline itself seems to be less and less of a positive or productive option.

Craig graduates next year and at the rate I’m going I’ll be 24 before I finish university.

we’ll see.

Personal Projects I’d like to accomplish:
-Finishing my novel
-Helping Kay possibly with her wedding.
-Exercising
-Working on Argentengo and finishing it.

With this new position as a Personal Care attendant while Little John is in School I have all my time free to do personal projects or to pick up an extra job and work.

It’s hard to get on task with my novel…I’m constantly thinking about it and I know where the story is going till the end but picking the right words has become the most difficult to me.

How do I establish and develop characters.
It began as a short story, now it is so much more!
I might get to the gym and run a bit it might clear my head so I can learn to think straight.

So the deportation had put quite a monkey wrench in everything that I’d been planning for once I moved to Scotland.

aka, a job and a steady place to live and an income, a time to actually take out to be with Craig to get to know him on a personal level and a time to discover who I really am as a person.

Before I left for my attempt to Scotland I moved out of my room in Brooklyn Park and I’d packed up all my belongings. I’d left my job in the previous month with little opportunity to return to it.

When I got back this was my situation, I had the money I’d been saving for my trip to Scotland, No job (again) and no place to stay (again).

These last couple of months I haven’t been understanding the cards that God has been dealing me.

First ( 0r Ace), my financial problems and problems with establishing healthy relationships in School.

second, my bad luck in being able to not move back home after having left college so my having to find refuge in a residence in a Fraternity house in St. Paul.

Third, an unsuccessful Summer job search which led me to be in debt at the beginning of the Fall of 2009.

Fourth, After having found a job that I felt might be the perfect solution to my problems. Having been disappointed when my employers turned out to having overworked me and underpaid me.

Fifth, Having to move out of the house that I owned with the previous House Manager job and having to move in with my mother and family again only to discover that my mother’s land lady wouldn’t permit me to live with my own mother based on the fact that I am over 18 and therefore a legal adult.

Sixth, Having to move to Brooklyn Park to a small room with people I’d only just met, an hour away from everything and everyone I’d loved and wanted to become closer to.

Seventh, My job search continuing badly until I find a job but must then pay back the debts I owe.

Eighth, Having to work the overnight shift at Target Greatland while trying to figure out what my goals would be in life and where I would be going. Having a completely screwed up sleep schedule and becoming like an anti social bat who only came out to play and communicate with people on Sundays.

Nine, After having figured out what I where I wanted to go in life realizing that the one I’d be doing it with wouldn’t be supporting me 100% and becoming upset and fighting with him a lot.

Tenth, The time coming and after my having planned to find a place to live and setting up job interviews only to be turned away by customs and immigrations after having just spent nearly nine hours of my life traveling.

Eleventh (or Jack), Not being able to see the one I love after almost a year and a half and losing my opportunity to see him for another few months, and not having anyone understand that pain of complete failure and loss in everything…but me.

For now though these cards have been dealt into my hand I have had God by my side and he has helped me out of all of them.

These changes in my life have made me a much stronger person and even though I feel weak from them after the fact and even though I’ve cried many tears because I was in such situations. I don’t see anyway at this moment that things could get that much worse for me.

And I know now after today, that I was right about the good things being just around the corner.

For the last few days after my deportation I’ve been mourning. I didn’t want to talk about it, or think about it or discuss it with anyone because the thought of it only made me think of my failure to make a plan B just in case all of it fell through…as it has.

I was more than happy just laying up in Cynthia’s bed at my mom’s house becoming more of a computer potato than I already am while watching any movie I wanted from my mom’s Netflix account.

But God didn’t want that for me and he sent me constant signs that I should end my mourning  period and get off my butt. All those people around me who showed me their support and their kindness and who told me that they had my back if I needed someone were constant reminders to me that the world hadn’t fallen to pieces completely.

Just this morning I was laying in bed happy that my mother hadn’t woken me up for church, I haven’t been sleeping very well and Church seemed like the last place that I’d want to be because I’d have to explain what happened to everyone there over and over again. I was embarrassed because just last Sunday Gail Haugen had taken extra time out of the prayer to pray for my safe journey away.

As I lay in bed the doorbell rang and a familiar voice asked for me when my brother answered the door.

It was my mother’s upstairs neighbor John one of my mother’s good friends who I knew wouldn’t ask me too many questions about what happened to me while I was in London. John being an intelligent man spoke only after thinking of what he’d wanted to say first. Why he’d been asking for me wasn’t a complete mystery my mother had hinted and talked to me a little that John might need me to do a little work for him. but I trusted that what he had to discuss with me about what that work was would be better said by him than coming from my mother.

I looked half a mess and I was a bit embarrassed to still be in my baggy “Polar Bears for Global Cooling” top and tight fitting blue jean Capri pants. Myhair was as if I’d just gotten out of bed (which I had) and I hadn’t yet put on my socks or bathed.

Yet I went with John to his place anyway.

When I got there he explained to me that his young son John junior who I call ‘Little John’ would be getting out of school for the summer soon. He was currently in a situation where he didn’t much like his working PCA worker and he was thinking of replacing her. After asking my mother if she could do it and having heard from her that I had been deported and was in need of a job and a place to stay he felt that it would be a good set up if I was to move in with him and John to be little John’s PCA worker for some time beginning as soon as the paperwork went through.

He said he already had a personal Personal Care attendant for himself and to do the cleaning around the house. He needed someone who would keep  up with his son that he knew he could trust and that Little John would actually get along with. He explained that I wouldn’t have to pay any rent and that as a woman I’d have to get used to living around two men (funny as I’d already lived in a Fraternity house completely surrounded by men.) He told me that it wouldn’t be like working as much as it would be like having little John over and watching him as I would naturally do as a big sister to Cynthia. The only difference was that John being as seven year old Boy would need me to be there over the summer to go to the park and play with and to help learn new things and explore.

I absolutely adore Little John as I adore most intelligent young children. John has a bubbly personality that is unmatched by any young black male child I’ve had to watch in my life.

He reminds me a bit of my little brothers Tyler and Eric as they were growing up in that he is discovering a world where he can be intelligent and well behaved as a black male and not live according to the stereotypes of our age.

When I’ve attempted to watch John before we’d always had fun, except that Cynthia has often become jealous and wanted to become the center of my attention while he was around. They have similar personalities and they fight a lot while they are together. Even though Cynthia is nearly five years older than John is.

John and I have had our hard time in the past  but I’ve grown to understand his relationships with adults and how he has been taught to treat them.

He is used to having Personal care attendants take care of him when his father has been busy and he is more than willing to try to wear you out if he feels that you’re not up to par when it comes to his need for an energetic enthusiastic playtime buddy.

The pay to do such work would be ten dollars an hour beginning from the time that I was left alone with John to the time that his father would return from his work, and daily errands.

The only stipulation would be that my family would not invade or having anything to do with my work even though in proximity they would be next door.

That was something I was more than willing to agree to because I myself was already getting tired of my family in my personal space when I had been so used to being independent and living on my own for nearly three years now (only seeing my family on weekends for church and church events.)

Also Big John asked me that I not bring as much stuff as I’d brought to my mothers house, he said he would arrange a mailbox and a storage place for me to put my belongings and that I’d be able to bring two totes of essential goods to his house only because he liked to live a minimalistic life (as my own Craig also does).

I felt that the lack of belongings would give me good practice for when I’d eventually have to be with Craig.

Big John promised that under his employment that he’d do everything in his power to help me accomplish my goals. Which I have established to be:

-Paying back my debts (Theta Chi, Hamline and Mrs. Rhonda)

-Saving for a future education (putting money away for a return to University)

-Losing weight (because I’ve become an unhealthy computer potato)

and

-Saving for another attempt to transition out of the United States and to Scotland. (Housing and living expenses)

We figured that my agreeing to live and work with John with rent being nothing and food being provided would give me the perfect opportunity to accomplish my goals in a decent amount of time.

So, this is my new plan.

I will move in with Big John and Little John for a few months until I feel that my goals have been accomplished.

After accomplishing my goals I will return to university and to Scotland to be with Craig.

It sounds simple now…but after playing with Little John for an hour just earlier today I’ve realized that he being so young and me not being as young as I used to be…might be a problem.

It’s good because he will force me to lose weight while I play with him but I’ll have to establish a schedule that will determine that Little John gets completely worn out nearly everyday this Summer to save myself the heartache of having to run after him all the time.

So I’m going to start a list and a schedule of money and summertime events that I can do with the 7 year old…including in my budget travel and food expenses.

As you can tell…I’ve already decided to accept Big John’s offer to me it’s the best card God could be dealing me right now outside of giving me a transportation system and a money tree. When it comes to Craig I hear he’s planning on visiting me in 6 to 8 weeks and I think with keeping myself busy that time will surely fly by.

As a reader of this Blog…what do you think of this new plan?