Corinne's Blog

I love seeing the first signs of Spring. -The first warm and sunny day -The first rain -The first insects (a fly for me) and everything is fresh and new. To top that all off we have the coming of Easter when we talk about the sacrifice Jesus made to begin a new way of forgiveness for our sins.

Recently I’ve been looking forward to the coming of spring. Spring for me has begun to present the beginning of a new life in Scotland and the awakening of real positive change in my life.

I’d like to be able to become a healthier happier person with everything finally going to way I want them to and according to plan.

Just the other day I was able to walk home in the rain and even though I had no umbrella I found real joy in the face that it wasn’t snow and that I could live with it falling on my face without wincing. I feel that God gives us rain to wash away all the dirt and pollution that we leave behind.

It is nice to sit back and look at something as simple as small stream as it begins to come back alive.

The first signs of green grass always bring a smile on my face and every year I make a promise to myself that I’ll spend more time outside under the stars and less time being gloomy indoors.

——————————————-
I have been re-accessing my relationships with those people I would consider my friends. I feel that it’s time for me to make a change in what I use to think was friendship. I feel that my new definition of friendship only consists of me adding another person as a facebook friend and that the effort of hanging out and talking to that person is no longer a priority for me.

In order for me to get back on track on who I feel is important and who I truly care about a consider friends…I have erased over 300 of my current “Facebook friends”. I hope that seeing who i care about and getting rid of those people who I was once and still am only acquainted to has helped me map out a game plan in getting back in touch with myself as a social person.

I’ve become somewhat of a hermit ever since I left living in Theta Chi. I spend much of my time trying to get a hold of Craig and I know he’s getting tired of me depending on him so much as a friend.

Recently I’ve used facebook to get in touch with a lot of people who I stopped talking to after I left high school and who I haven’t been speaking to after that last few days of my second semester in University.

Mel is one of those people and I hope to be able to see her sometime this week. I was blessed to play a huge game of email tag in order to catch up with her. She was one of my best buds during my first year of college.

Jacque Blackamore an old coworker from Hamline and Adam Warmansenn also took time to get back in touch with me. I hope that in these next 40 days I’ll be able to at least have a conversation with half of the people I chose not to get rid of on my facebook for the sake that I might want to get to see them and get to know them as people again.
—————————————————————————
As for Craig and I…we’ve been fighting a lot over really stupid and petty things. My mom keeps asking me if I really want to move to Scotland for fear that I might ruin my relationship with Craig if I do.

The thing that has made me most upset with Craig these last few days is because he’s been living his “busy” life and not including me in the process.

Let me give an example:

When I was looking for a job in Scotland and I was offered a job working for a cruise line I refused too accept the job until I received Craig’s permission to accept it. I knew that a job that required 6 months of my attention would be a pressing gap in what I’d like to be able to do with Craig this next year. It was only after Craig agreed that a position on a cruise ship would be best for me that I accepted the position.

But Craig on the other hand apparently had been planning a trip to Taiwan in July around the time of both our birthdays.

Craig and I HAD been planning on heading back to visit my family come July because Craig had never met my family. Of course if I get the cruise ship job that plan would be cancelled. Yet Craig tells me that he’s been playing this taiwan trip for months…even though we had had prior plans.

He never told me anything about his plans and I felt extremely upset when he told me that I “wasn’t listening” when he apparently “told me”.

The first time I’d heard about it was a day ago. He tells me he has told me a lot of stuff that I know for a fact and would swear that he’s never uttered a word to me about. Sometimes he’ll even tell me he’d verbally told ‘me’ something when he’s only spent some time to post it online on twitter. He sometimes gets mixed up in assuming that his telling the internet something will mean that automatically he is telling me.

I am NOT THE COMPUTER…even though I do take time whenever I’m online to check Craig’s accounts and read up on his current events I have never felt so unimportant.

Whenever I tell Craig he is wrong he insults me and begins whining about my terrible internet and all the things he claims he’s “done for me”…WHEN I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR MYSELF.

I want my boyfriend to start treating me like I’m one of his priorities. I want him to call ME like boyfriends should…and to treat me like a princess. It was amazing, I was hanging out with Heidi and Nate just this last week and Nate treats Heidi Like she’s God gift. He’d be willing to do ANYTHING for Heidi that she’d ask him.

When I ask Craig to do something for me he says …no. or tells me that he just is too busy, has a ‘headache’, or tired, or that he can’t be bothered.

That’s not love…if he loved me he’d do as I asked.

He often asks me if I understand that he has a life and that he is busy…yet I hear about him watching his favorite television shows and podcasts and I hear how he goes out and goes to the pub with flat mates and I hear that he’s been getting in hours on his favorite video games.

I’ve told Craig that I don’t want to be on his TO DO list and I’ve made him promise to do things for me…but recently he’s not been following through like I’ve been hoping. He always has his own agenda.

I don’t like being told NO and I can’t help but think that I could Do better when it came to boyfriends…I have men asking me out left and right. I want Craig to appreciate me and try to keep me…not to settle.

He promised yesterday that we’d record a Distance no object today or tomorrow. He better follow through and keep that promise or I’ll get back to thinking that he just doesn’t care anymore.

He’s a great guy and I am his first relationship so he may not understand that I want more of him. But I feel that I’ve reminded him freakishly too much about it.

So today is definitely one of those days where I keep asking God to send me any kind of Sign to show me that I am right about to make the right decision. God send me a bright yellow sun or a guy in a crazy Hawaiian shirt. Please send me cocktail after Cocktail or some kind of a bikini clad lady, anything to show me that my accepting this job would be a good idea.

The reason for my wanting a sign to make this decision is because it would be a commitment of six months that I’d be making. When I began to work at Target the head of Human resources told me that I’d be making a ninety day commitment to the company in becoming a conditional seasonal worker. At the time I knew what my goals were…to get out of debt, to get enough money to get to Scotland and see Craig again, and to go back to School. At the time 90 days to me was a really long time…that’s three months of my life that I’d be committing only to work, and now that it’s over I realize that that was three months of my time that I committed to staying up all night and still coming out in the same position as I went in, owing people. The main positive side of working at Target is that I felt the confidence enough when I was doing well there and getting paid to go and actually buy a plane ticket to Scotland and begin my mental and physical move there. Target helped me start toward my goal at going back to school too. I’ve actually begun to plan for a future that only months ago I would have said was something that I may never get to be able to do.

If I were to look back at myself in 2008…

19, newly graduated, accepted into a Minnesota University in Saint Paul, popular and single, self confident, proud of actually surviving high school and working a decent summer job at a camp for people with disabilities in Annandale Minnesota.

I would have never thought that now in 2010 I’d be…

20, with 1 year of university under my belt, taking a year off trying to survive being on my own in general, not so popular and many times lonely, proud of having a boyfriend for more than a year, but not so proud to have at one time cheated on him, technically unemployed after having just finished a seasonal position at a Target Greatland in Brooklyn Park, planning a permanent move to Scotland and trying to apply for Scottish Universities after concluding that going back to Hamline would be bad on my mental health and not where I’ve wanted to see myself going.

At 19 I was beginning my journey further and further away from my family when I decided to accept a job in another city. At 20 I am realizing that what I thought was freedom away from my family was actually an illusion I created for myself. I didn’t want to leave the comforts of home so I settled for a Minnesota University and I settled for a future as a possible math or music teacher. I didn’t realize then that I really wanted to see the world and that what I really want to see myself doing is doing something that I’d enjoy.

This is what I realize I enjoy these days:

Craig, Weddings, Cakes, Traveling, my violin, Good quality movies, Alcohol, freedom, night where I have a choice if I want to sleep in the next morning, no homework, Music, the lack of drama that comes from being by oneself, my church family, my actual family when they aren’t fighting and when there isn’t a lot of drama, reading Carl Hiaasen books, and being spontaneous.

I feel that this kind of lifestyle has become something that before I thought I could never have because I put myself down…but now I feel that I can do whatever I put my mind to…because God is on my side and because there is no one around to tell me that I can’t have what I want.
This is why this decision that I might be making is such a big deal.

I like being spontaneous because when I am I often surprise myself and have a wonderful time. When I went to Scotland…I found that I loved it there. When I worked as a housekeeper in a mansion I learned that I am worth something. When I decided to take a year off school…I found that I do appreciate having structure and a purpose to my everyday activity and that I would like to continue my schooling. And now I might be making a decision to take a job on a Cruise ship.

When I was first deciding to go to Scotland I promised myself that this time I’d wouldn’t end up there and unprepared as I did last time. Scotland was one of the first trips I ever found myself taking truly on my own. I wouldn’t have anyone to depend on but myself to make my flights on time and to carry myself appropriately. I could have been a crazy party girl once I got to Europe but I wanted to be an ambassador for my family’s honor.

This time around I wanted to be prepared with a plan of action for once I got there. Before when I was visiting Craig I had just played everything by ear and Craig was a real trooper in putting up with me and taking care of me in everyway a great man should.

Part of my being prepared was my having a place to stay that wasn’t with Craig and that ‘was my own’ because I didn’t want to be a distraction or get in Craig’s space because he has his own rhythm that I feel that I disrupt when I am living with him. I want Craig to learn how to add me as a beat in the regular pace of his life and not just something he does when he feels that he needs to add a rest.

I also wanted to return to School, I found that I wouldn’t be able to be looked at as an intelligent and diligent person in the ‘real world’ unless I could prove to the world that I had completed some form of higher education. I noticed while I was working at Target that the only people Target would promote to positions of leadership were those with college and university degrees to wield around and show off. I wanted the right to say that I’d graduated and possibly graduated with honors. I want the right to tell my children…”I did it, so you can do it.” So I went out in search for Scottish Universities.

The Last thing I wanted to do this time around was to have a job. Last time I was in Scotland I had no clue when I would be returning to the United States though I knew that I needed to eventually return to complete my school year. I never had enough time to consider getting a job and when the bank froze my bank account because of an international misunderstanding Craig was there to support and watch over me. With my own job once I moved I’d have the independence I’d want to be able to start and live my own life outside of Craig as well as along with him.

Right now in Minnesota I have financial independence because my mom doesn’t pay for much of anything for me anymore because she truly can’t afford it, though in times of trouble she does help me out. I have Financial independence but I am not actually free…I have a lot of debt that has occurred over the last few months…until I get out of that debt I will remain a slave to it.
I started my job search and school search and houses search around the same time and this is what’s been happening to me so far.

I’ve found a place to live…though because of my lack of money right now I’m struggling to figure out how I am going to pay for the first few months rent.

I’ve gotten letters that my applications to the universities I’ve applied for are being reviewed.

And I’ve received word from many different places of employment that they’ve looked at my cv (resume) and that they decided to accept someone else for the position.

I was accepted for review in a couple of positions but they said that when they came up with something that they’d get back to me.

I was applying for every job under the sun that I thought I’d do well in on gumtree.com(the craigslist of the UK) and one of them just happened to be for what I thought was a local cruise line company.

It happens that it wasn’t just a local cruise line the took people on tours of the Scottish coast…but rather a global cruise line company that took people on exotic trip around the world.
And they liked MY application and cover letter and offered me the job I applied for.

This is the first position that I’ve applied to so far that actually offered me a job if I wanted it.

“Hi Corinne,
Thank you for your recent application. We have looked at your CV and think that initially you are suitable for the position advertised…You will be away for 6 months at a time…the position will be commencing end of April early May.”

This decision to take this receptionist position would delay my plans to be with Craig regularly for almost six months. It would not ruin my plans to move to Scotland…I’ll be doing that next month, but it has the potential to delay my possible return to School in September 2010.

I think it would be a great opportunity for me though. I’d be able to make a lot of money 1800-4000$ a month and I’d have money in my pocket to help me when I got back and was able to actually move to Scotland.

I’d be able to pay back my debt in a matter of 3 months and the other 3 or so months would simply be as Mikey Boosalis would say it “surplus”.

As crazy as this might sound I think God sent this job to me for a reason, I’ve always wanted to see the world and I am officially losing my job in two days.

So This is one of those days that I’ve been asking and praying to God to send me a sign:

Dear God,
If this job is the job you’d like me to take…please send me a sign…a man in a Hawaiian shirt or a bikini clad lady. Send me something that will make my heart not want to take this job.

I called my mom and she says GO FOR IT …”you are 20, you aren’t married and you don’t have kids.” She said.
I haven’t been able to talk to Craig about it yet…he isn’t answering his phone and hasn’t been all morning.

God Please help me make this spontaneous decision…I know you are not a God of confusion and that whatever choice I make you’ll be there to support and guide me in it.
In Jesus name, Amen.

I feel that is this is what God wants…I’ll be Cruising through life from now on.

I just got back from working my usual overnight shift at Target in Brooklyn Park. Today has ended differently from any other day I’ve worked since I was hired by Target. Today ended on a sort of bittersweet note.

Overall my experience at Target has been hard, and challenging, fun and positive…and if I was to be i any other position I’d have chosen to remain at Target as a Team member and I’d have wished to have had discovered it as a job sooner.

Even though as a job I know that it wasn’t somwhere where I always wanted to be…or that I was completely awake for all the time…I really enjoyed the people and the work I was capable to do. The pay was better than I’d expected.

It makes me wish I wasn’t moving to Scotland and that I hadn’t made up my mind to leave. I makes me want to wait till I have more stable ground before I jump so I don’t jump into quicksand.

Today I heard the bad news that the end of my conditional period at Target was none other than this next weekend on March 14th where they’ll either pay me for my time at Target or they’d be offering me a long term position there.

In light of the fact that I will be moving in April which is next month I was hoping that I’d have more of a chance to be able to save up more money for the next month that I am here.

Since I’ve already found a place to live in Scotland I have to worry about living expenses there…and figure out how I am going to pay for my three months there…before March’s end I must pay the 600 rent in british pounds…which is about 700$.

On top of that I’ll need to pay Ms. Rhonda the 700$ I owe her still in back rent and in my current rent for March.

I need money and I need more money quickly.
This is a terrible situation to be in because I also owe my school money and I owe Theta Chi still for my time spent there in the summer 2009.

Everything is coming to a rocky and puss filled pimple head when I thought that things were right about to get better.

I hope that I’ll have enough to survive this next month in one piece.

I really hope this whole thing doesn’t explode in my face or boil over into my chances of making any positive start in Scotland.

For now, all I can do is wait and pray.

I feel great because after weeks of being afraid to tell Ms.Rhonda I was leaving I actually got the guts to tell her that I was going.

She took it a lot better than I’d expected her to.

Life is often like that for me, I get afraid that someone is going to take something terribly and instead they take it reasonably well. While I’m dreading telling the person time goes by and I stress myself out.

I got the guts to tell my land lady and the only thing she asked me was ….’you’re moving there?’ Much like the response Ii received from everyone else [friends and family alike.] I don’t know why people don’t want me to leave yet when I’m here they’d care less if I was alive.

Jimmy for instance tells me that he doesn’t want me to go because he’d lose a friend. But I feel that he just wants me for my free time to watch his children.

Heidi and I are both getting back together again an we’ve been hanging out a lot more…she’s the one who got me into wearing makeup but she is accepting my leaving and she doesn’t care  if I leave or not because she knows life goes on.

Alex J and I have been hanging out more than ever but I feel that is because we are close in a could have been way. I really think Alex is a great guy and my moving will make me sad because I won’t have an opportunity to laugh and joke around with him. I really wish we’d hung out more in high school when we could have been. Alex jokes around and tells me all the bad things Scotland will brig me…trying to scare me into not going…it won’t work.

Ian Morris and I see each other and keep each other updated on the current events of each of our lives. I will miss his caring heart and the way he watches out for me and isn’t afraid to give me his opinion. I wish him the best of luck with his own social life….he deserves the best.

Scott my ex boyfriend and I hung out the other week and saw shutter island. It was really nice and I wish we’d have more time to become friends again.

The people from my church are very supportive of me as a family should be. Outside of church my life group has been behind me 100%. I know I will miss my church community especially because it seems to be growing every time I blink. Even though Mikey and I aren’t exactly close I will still miss him because I miss taking inspiration from his spirit as I see him share his musical talents with Aldrich, he has such a beautiful spirit and I wish more people could be like him.

The people who I used to feel I was close to at University haven’t reached out to hangout with me since I’ve left…so what’s the point of going out of my way to stay for them? They’ve moved on.’d

I still feel that if all these people cared that I’d have had a reason to stay.

But since they show no signs of changing I have all the freedom in the world to go.

God is on my side.

I’ve been trying to plan and put together the pieces of this puzzle as I go along…I’ve been trying to plan this but I feel that my hourglass is running low.

Great news though, I have found a place to stay while I’m in Scotland.

The first place I’d looks at had been the flat of a missionary family in nigeria…they wanted me to pay for the rent before I got the keys and got to see the place…I said no and I asked my eyes and ears (Craig) to go check out the residence on my behalf. It ended up turnign out to all be a scam against me being played out by some very good and cunning scam artists.

The second place is smaller and there are many more people involved so I know that the likelihood of this being an elaborate scam is slim to none. The flat is on Easter Road in Edinburgh and I’d be renting it for two and a half months while the previous owner did her study abroad work in portugal. She is 23 years old just about around my age…as are her three flatmates who have all added me on facebook. Because the girl is leaving to do stud abroad so soon she wanted me to prepay for all of the rent up front…and it was agreed that my boyfriend could have the opportunity if he should want to take it…to look at the property and prove it’s worth before any pent was spent on it. I feel that this is understandable…a total of 600 British pounds to be spent to a one F. Devine.

So I’m simply exstatic about this bounce back after what those scam artists did…a bounce back from something that set me back a couple of weeks into something that seems to be going ridiculously smooth considering how I feel that I’ll have just enough money to make it through with something in my pocket when I get to Scotland.

So apparently it is being posted all over the news and by the states air and pollution companies that the level of pollution currently in the atmosphere here in Minnesota is dangerous at this time of year to the point of deadly.

The news people are even trying to get people to stay inside their houses instead of spending long periods of time outside.

They say that the snow is melting because it is getting warmer and it is releasing toxins and that since it is warmer the clouds are keeping in the air because when the polluted air rises it recycles itself out again.

What are they telling us? If we breath the air for a long time we will die?

wow… They are advising the elderly and very young to not go outside today…

What about recess?!