Corinne's Blog

So today is definitely one of those days where I keep asking God to send me any kind of Sign to show me that I am right about to make the right decision. God send me a bright yellow sun or a guy in a crazy Hawaiian shirt. Please send me cocktail after Cocktail or some kind of a bikini clad lady, anything to show me that my accepting this job would be a good idea.

The reason for my wanting a sign to make this decision is because it would be a commitment of six months that I’d be making. When I began to work at Target the head of Human resources told me that I’d be making a ninety day commitment to the company in becoming a conditional seasonal worker. At the time I knew what my goals were…to get out of debt, to get enough money to get to Scotland and see Craig again, and to go back to School. At the time 90 days to me was a really long time…that’s three months of my life that I’d be committing only to work, and now that it’s over I realize that that was three months of my time that I committed to staying up all night and still coming out in the same position as I went in, owing people. The main positive side of working at Target is that I felt the confidence enough when I was doing well there and getting paid to go and actually buy a plane ticket to Scotland and begin my mental and physical move there. Target helped me start toward my goal at going back to school too. I’ve actually begun to plan for a future that only months ago I would have said was something that I may never get to be able to do.

If I were to look back at myself in 2008…

19, newly graduated, accepted into a Minnesota University in Saint Paul, popular and single, self confident, proud of actually surviving high school and working a decent summer job at a camp for people with disabilities in Annandale Minnesota.

I would have never thought that now in 2010 I’d be…

20, with 1 year of university under my belt, taking a year off trying to survive being on my own in general, not so popular and many times lonely, proud of having a boyfriend for more than a year, but not so proud to have at one time cheated on him, technically unemployed after having just finished a seasonal position at a Target Greatland in Brooklyn Park, planning a permanent move to Scotland and trying to apply for Scottish Universities after concluding that going back to Hamline would be bad on my mental health and not where I’ve wanted to see myself going.

At 19 I was beginning my journey further and further away from my family when I decided to accept a job in another city. At 20 I am realizing that what I thought was freedom away from my family was actually an illusion I created for myself. I didn’t want to leave the comforts of home so I settled for a Minnesota University and I settled for a future as a possible math or music teacher. I didn’t realize then that I really wanted to see the world and that what I really want to see myself doing is doing something that I’d enjoy.

This is what I realize I enjoy these days:

Craig, Weddings, Cakes, Traveling, my violin, Good quality movies, Alcohol, freedom, night where I have a choice if I want to sleep in the next morning, no homework, Music, the lack of drama that comes from being by oneself, my church family, my actual family when they aren’t fighting and when there isn’t a lot of drama, reading Carl Hiaasen books, and being spontaneous.

I feel that this kind of lifestyle has become something that before I thought I could never have because I put myself down…but now I feel that I can do whatever I put my mind to…because God is on my side and because there is no one around to tell me that I can’t have what I want.
This is why this decision that I might be making is such a big deal.

I like being spontaneous because when I am I often surprise myself and have a wonderful time. When I went to Scotland…I found that I loved it there. When I worked as a housekeeper in a mansion I learned that I am worth something. When I decided to take a year off school…I found that I do appreciate having structure and a purpose to my everyday activity and that I would like to continue my schooling. And now I might be making a decision to take a job on a Cruise ship.

When I was first deciding to go to Scotland I promised myself that this time I’d wouldn’t end up there and unprepared as I did last time. Scotland was one of the first trips I ever found myself taking truly on my own. I wouldn’t have anyone to depend on but myself to make my flights on time and to carry myself appropriately. I could have been a crazy party girl once I got to Europe but I wanted to be an ambassador for my family’s honor.

This time around I wanted to be prepared with a plan of action for once I got there. Before when I was visiting Craig I had just played everything by ear and Craig was a real trooper in putting up with me and taking care of me in everyway a great man should.

Part of my being prepared was my having a place to stay that wasn’t with Craig and that ‘was my own’ because I didn’t want to be a distraction or get in Craig’s space because he has his own rhythm that I feel that I disrupt when I am living with him. I want Craig to learn how to add me as a beat in the regular pace of his life and not just something he does when he feels that he needs to add a rest.

I also wanted to return to School, I found that I wouldn’t be able to be looked at as an intelligent and diligent person in the ‘real world’ unless I could prove to the world that I had completed some form of higher education. I noticed while I was working at Target that the only people Target would promote to positions of leadership were those with college and university degrees to wield around and show off. I wanted the right to say that I’d graduated and possibly graduated with honors. I want the right to tell my children…”I did it, so you can do it.” So I went out in search for Scottish Universities.

The Last thing I wanted to do this time around was to have a job. Last time I was in Scotland I had no clue when I would be returning to the United States though I knew that I needed to eventually return to complete my school year. I never had enough time to consider getting a job and when the bank froze my bank account because of an international misunderstanding Craig was there to support and watch over me. With my own job once I moved I’d have the independence I’d want to be able to start and live my own life outside of Craig as well as along with him.

Right now in Minnesota I have financial independence because my mom doesn’t pay for much of anything for me anymore because she truly can’t afford it, though in times of trouble she does help me out. I have Financial independence but I am not actually free…I have a lot of debt that has occurred over the last few months…until I get out of that debt I will remain a slave to it.
I started my job search and school search and houses search around the same time and this is what’s been happening to me so far.

I’ve found a place to live…though because of my lack of money right now I’m struggling to figure out how I am going to pay for the first few months rent.

I’ve gotten letters that my applications to the universities I’ve applied for are being reviewed.

And I’ve received word from many different places of employment that they’ve looked at my cv (resume) and that they decided to accept someone else for the position.

I was accepted for review in a couple of positions but they said that when they came up with something that they’d get back to me.

I was applying for every job under the sun that I thought I’d do well in on gumtree.com(the craigslist of the UK) and one of them just happened to be for what I thought was a local cruise line company.

It happens that it wasn’t just a local cruise line the took people on tours of the Scottish coast…but rather a global cruise line company that took people on exotic trip around the world.
And they liked MY application and cover letter and offered me the job I applied for.

This is the first position that I’ve applied to so far that actually offered me a job if I wanted it.

“Hi Corinne,
Thank you for your recent application. We have looked at your CV and think that initially you are suitable for the position advertised…You will be away for 6 months at a time…the position will be commencing end of April early May.”

This decision to take this receptionist position would delay my plans to be with Craig regularly for almost six months. It would not ruin my plans to move to Scotland…I’ll be doing that next month, but it has the potential to delay my possible return to School in September 2010.

I think it would be a great opportunity for me though. I’d be able to make a lot of money 1800-4000$ a month and I’d have money in my pocket to help me when I got back and was able to actually move to Scotland.

I’d be able to pay back my debt in a matter of 3 months and the other 3 or so months would simply be as Mikey Boosalis would say it “surplus”.

As crazy as this might sound I think God sent this job to me for a reason, I’ve always wanted to see the world and I am officially losing my job in two days.

So This is one of those days that I’ve been asking and praying to God to send me a sign:

Dear God,
If this job is the job you’d like me to take…please send me a sign…a man in a Hawaiian shirt or a bikini clad lady. Send me something that will make my heart not want to take this job.

I called my mom and she says GO FOR IT …”you are 20, you aren’t married and you don’t have kids.” She said.
I haven’t been able to talk to Craig about it yet…he isn’t answering his phone and hasn’t been all morning.

God Please help me make this spontaneous decision…I know you are not a God of confusion and that whatever choice I make you’ll be there to support and guide me in it.
In Jesus name, Amen.

I feel that is this is what God wants…I’ll be Cruising through life from now on.