Corinne's Blog

So it is finally official…

I have bought the ticket and I am making Scotland my new home.

This is how I feel.

Imagine a parachutist right about to jump out of a plane. The only thing that he/she is hoping is that the bag on their back is full of a parachute and that it isn’t accidentally a rock sack. There is also a chance that the parachute could deploy well and then rip. Or that there might be a snag in the bag that might make it hard for the parachute to deploy…hopefully not too late so the parachutist doesn’t plunge to their death.

The Parachutist has very little control over what will happen after they jump, but they have tried to train and lay down as many precautions as possible to make their first jump enjoyable and anxiety free. They set rules up and they memorized the procedure on how to pull their parachute cord.

Yet they are still not sure how things will turn out.

Yet There is hope…

The parachutist isn’t alone on their decent…they have an instructor to guide them on the way down. Their instructor too holds a parachute and in case of an emergency their instructor has the tools to save or rescue the falling parachutist. The Instructor has done all they could to reassure the first time jumper that everything will be okay and that the jump through landing will go smoothly.

But the parachutist is afraid anyway because what if the bag that they pull does end up being a rock sack…and what if the instructors emergency parachute too doesn’t deploy. Then they both fall to their deaths. And if the instructor is able to get themselves floating towards land…and they must rescue their student, what if the extra weigh brings the instructors chute down too fast and becomes a dead weight that is dangerous rather then a good weight…has and should the instructor be planning for the worse? If something goes wrong two people fall to their deaths.

What if everything goes right? The woman jumps the parachute deploys and the instructor has to do no saving. What happens when they get on the ground? Once you’ve become someone whose skydived you can never not be someone whose skydived.

It is rather hard to return to the plane again once you’ve jump or landed. The plane must continue because it has other places to go and things to do before it runs out of gas.

Think about it…there is so much to be left unanswered.

This as you might know already is a metaphor to my decision to move to Scotland.

I am the parachutist

Craig is the instructor

The plane represents Life back here in Minnesota and life in general

and where I am landing is in a little part of the United Kingdom called Edinburgh Scotland.

My landing in Edinburgh is meant to be perminate and I feel that my making this decision is based on a leap of faith I am willing to commit to because I hear that the thrill is worth the problems and emotional rollercoaster you put yourself through before it…because everyone knows that a person can get pretty stressed out when they are making a decision that could change the course of the rest of their lives.

Craig as my instructor has been trying to tell me that if I were to have troubles that he’d always have my back. But I’m afraid that if something goes wrong while I’m moving that I’ll become a burden to him that is too much for him to handle. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone especially not Craig.

If I become a burden to Craig it may ruin our relationship…but so could my not leaping. I could simply remain on my plane of life here in Minnesota and watch Craig my instructor leapt and have my opportunity of joining him just pass me by forever…because once the cockpit door is shut the window of opportunity is closed for life change.

Change is what I’m afraid of because it is a crazy commitment to  move to another country…and I have no clue what will happen to me when I land in Scotland. All I can hope to do is plan ahead for as much as I can before I go…but, even then I feel that there are always so many ends that could be left open.

Where are Craig and I going with our relationship if I move there?

I can imagine to a commitment that is deeper than just boyfriend and girlfriend…but I can also see us “coexisting” for the first real time now (actually dating like traditional couples.) We won’t be living together right away that’s for sure.

I know that if I was skydiving that I’d take the opportunity and jump because I only would have one chance…that’s why I bought a plane ticket to Scotland tonight for me to leave on April 28th 2010.

gosh I hope I’m making the right decision.

Is it fine for me to be a little nervous, stressed and afraid?

I decided to sneak into the Library once again right before I’ll have to head over to target for the graveyard shift.

I just started the shift and doing it means that from now on I’m going to be awake all night for the next few months. I get paid more for doing the overnight and I for sure need that boost when it comes to money right now. I owe a ton of people that I’d like to pay back and I have a lot of plans that I’d like to accomplish over the next few months…including a move.

So far I’ve been having a great time doing the overnight shift. Last night was my first night and It didn’t hit me that I’d been awake since 8am Monday morning till about 4am on Tuesday Morning. I didn’t actually get to sleep till about 7:56am meaning that I was awake 24 hours straight.

Today I was a lot wiser and I planned ahead and I actually got sleep, made food for lunch and now I’m at the Library till about 9:40 when I catch the bus to start the graveyard shift again.

I feel that my motivation currently for work so hard and such sucky hours has most definitely been my wanting funds for my planned trip to Scotland and my wanting to pay people back I owe.

Outside of work I feel that I’ve become like an old lady, watching television on occasion, working out, and reading in my spare time.

I have begun to read the Bible because I want to grow spiritually because i know I’m going to have some struggles to face in a few months when I move, so far so good I’ve learned a lot about how God reacts to humans that I didn’t know before and I have a lot of questions that I’d like answered by someone wiser than me one of these days.

On a strange side note: for some reason since I woke up today i’ve been feeling rather sick and I’ve wanted to go somewhere and puke.

I know tmi and gross but there might be something wrong with my stomach currently and I might be sick…hopefully not.

I feel that one of the hardest things for a person to deal with is death. We all have to come to a point in our lives where we accept that the time we have here doesn’t last forever…but when I hear about murders committed I feel that their has been a great light in the world that has been snuffed out like a candle too soon to really light the dim areas.

My little brother Eric is mourning the death of his friend Walter Lee Dolley. Walter was shot the other day randomly as he walked home from the store. I went to the same High School as Walter and I’d seen him around but I’d never really known him. I had no clue that my brother had been friends with him until I began to see the pain and torment that this death has put him through. I think this is my little brother Eric’s first experience with death and I wish I could make it his last. It hurts to see my little brother who acts so tough and independent weeping at the sight of a picture of the young man.

I believe that heaven is a place that welcomes all.

So, Walter Lee Dolley may you rest in the peace and warmth of God’s embrace forever.

Walter Lee Dolley