Corinne's Blog

Warning:

This blog is not meant to make Craig Cry…if he is dead set on Crying I think he should make an effort not to read this blog because I am trying to get my thoughts straight

My relationship with Craig has caused me physical, physiological and emotional stress, pain and anxiety. I cannot get through my day smoothly without finding out what Craig is up to… I can’t sleep at night when I’m thinking about my life and how everything in my world seemed SO PERFECT when I was in Scotland, free of rules and authority, totally carefree and in an independent state that made me feel truly happy.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through a mental roller coaster with myself trying to find out where I want my life to be going.. . I seemed to have spiraled down to a place where I cry myself to sleep at night (if I even get any sleep at all). I’ve become so depressed with my situation that I’ve thought about suicide and homicide and just plain running away from MN and never returning…turning to the streets to get the money I need to survive because anything and anywhere would be better for me than where I’m currently at.

School isn’t an option for me right now because I can’t afford it and I don’t want to go back home because not only will I feel unloved and hated but I know that when I am home I fall into a deep deep hole of depression that creates thoughts in my life that nothing is worth living for if the people who are supposed to care and support you the most are telling you that you are a failure and worthless and that they hate you and wish that you’d never been born or that you are making mistakes with your life and throwing it away or that you need to find somewhere else to go because you ” can’t stay here”. I feel that every time I come home I just consider disappearing from the planet all together because life is not worth living when all you get from everyone you care about is hate. I feel that suicide is a selfish act and the only thing that is stopping me from committing it is my beliefs in Jesus and my Christianity because I don’t want to go to hell by committing that kind of sin. I’d like to prove my family wrong when they tell me that I’m a stupid bitch and that I should “just die” I want to become successful so I can choose if I want them in my life or not.

But right now at a time where I need vital support and love I can’t get it anywhere in Minnesota. No one here understands the constant ache in my heart that is only released once a week while I sing at church…the ache is only lifted while I’m standing and thinking about what life will be after I die and I have eternal life with Jesus. The only thing that has made me feel loved when I am alone is my belief that Jesus is with me and that God loves me.

When I was younger and going through shit with my father and my family I felt that God sent me a friend that would care for me and my situation and show me love regardless of who I was. The person I thought God was sending to me was my best friend Craig. Craig has been my rock and support for six years now and If he hadn’t been around many times I think I would have simply just jumped out a window or took a knife to my brother’s throats while they were sleeping.

Craig has talked me down from many episodes and he’s been there when I’ve been in the biggest dangers…like when my brother Tyler was attempting to kill me and my only way of defending myself was stabbing him in the side with scissors…at that time though helpless to help I’d been on the phone with Craig and he’d been there to tell me that everything would be okay. I remember thinking ‘if my brother does kill me at least Craig can call the police or testify against Tyler in court’.

I’ve been drawn to Craig because I felt that he was the solution to all my problems. I never asked him to become that kind of person to me…he just became that person when everyday after school I would rush online and talk to him all night about whatever was going on in my life.

I remember being banned from my families computer and trying all I could to get through to Craig so I could have someone I could vent to and cry to.

I used to find myself crying myself to sleep at night. I had bottled up anger and emotional baggage and with Craig’s support I got out of those bad habits. When my brothers would say how stupid, fat and ugly I was I would think about how Craig would call me cool. When my brothers and little sister told me that No one liked me I would think about Craig and how he didn’t only Like me but he even went and told me that he loved me and would consider me his best friend.

My relationship with Craig is a strange bond that I never want to see broken.

Recently though I think I’ve made some choices that have made me a subject of my own crazy emotions. I’ve been stressed and depressed about my lack of a connection with Craig as I used to have. When Craig and I stopped being friends and became lovers I lost a lot in him that I used to have. I would call on Craig when I wanted affirmation that someone in my world loved me because it seemed that everywhere in my real and present world everyone was letting me down.

I feel like many times I’ve put up signs that are like warning signs calling for help to anyone who was willing to listen. Mainly people like Mike Boosalis, Jacob Babcock and Kyle Parsons.

These signs have been witnessed by many people including my youth minister Michael Von Gross who told me that my only way of escaping this kind of depressing fate was to try something new and escape it.

Craig hasn’t been able to help me in my current battles and I’ve realized that his reasoning might be because I’ve put him on a high pedistule thinking that he could be my superman when he  was just another average joe who couldn’t fix my anything.

I feel that I’ve been asking him for a relationship and more love than he could give me and commit to at his age because for me I needed that love that I’ve been missing in the past. While I was in Scotland I was able to physically express myself and show my love for Craig in my actions…but now that I am away I’ve been expecting and wanting and waiting for that kind of love again but since I haven’t had it I’ve been suffering and beating myself and Craig up in order to get it.

Just tonight my mother called me into her room and gave me a speech about how she doesn’t want me to throw my life away. She told me that I am asking Craig for a lot more than he can give me and that I should never have gone to Scotland and done the things I’ve done. She told me that I’m in a position where I am on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to give me the approval to jump off. She told me that Craig isn’t capable of returning the love I’ve been giving him and that I’m putting forth too much effort on my side for someone who “just isn’t that into you(me)”. She says that if Craig truly loved me he would have sent for me, or made an effort to come and at least meet my family as I did his. She said that he would put me as a priority and respect me like I’ve wanted…she said that a person who really loves you will show it in all that they do. She says that she knew from the start that I was putting all my eggs into one basket with Craig and now that the basket has a hole in it I shouldn’t be disappointed that I am losing all my eggs. She says that we might be better off returning to being just best friends. She says that Craig is not in a position in his life to make the commitment to me that in my mind he’s already made. She says that I am thinking that we are already married when he hasn’t even been brought home to my parents yet. Meaning that I am giving too much of myself to Craig and now that he’s found other things that are more important that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s not crazy pining for me. Craig is distancing himself from me like Scott did right before he broke up with me…and like Jason did when I broke up with him…yet Craig and I are supposed to be “together forever” in my crazy already thought out mixed perception of life.

Craig doesn’t see himself with me forever as i see myself with him…Craig wants to live his life now as it is and not think about the future as I am…Craig doesn’t want to be bothered with having me around this next year in Dundee but is only agreeing to it because I need the reassurance in my life and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend. To Craig everything I’m doing is forcing him into a frenzy with his life so he is avoiding me till he gets everything on his side figured out. Craig thinks that everything with me is going too fast and he wishes that I could slow it down and act like a normal girlfriend with a life outside of him. He wishes that I hadn’t put all my eggs into his basket and he wants me to find something else to fill my time other than him.

I want to go somewhere where I can feel real love, I want to love and be loved in return because my home life is unsatisfying… I just know that Craig will never feel that same way about me as I do him because I don’t see him suffering as I do…mentally, emotionally and physically and am going Crazy because of my relationship.

I am a bit crazy to begin with and I think I need to find something that will make me happy…I need to find myself before I try to ruin someone’s life by being around.

I don’t really know what this realization means… all I know is that my mom might be right about my relationship with Craig… Are we better off friends?

Cat Earns GED On The Internet

As part of an effort to expose Internet degree scams, a Better Business Bureau employee got his cat a GED.

Oreo C. Collins, a two-year-old tuxedo cat from Macon, Ga., may be the very first in her family to obtain a GED diploma. (Of course, we may never know for sure because, as she writes in her “life experience essay” portion of the test, she’s adopted.) WMAZ-TV in Macon, Ga. reports that for a $200 fee, Oreo recently received her diploma from Jefferson High School Online with the help of her owner, Better Business Bureau employee, Kelvin Collins.

“Oreo’s a really smart cat,” Kelvin told WMAZ-TV. “She keeps up with current events.”

So smart that Oreo garnered mostly As in the online test, with some of her credits earned from her aforementioned life experience essay about her adoption into the Collins family. No doubt that’s why Kelvin solicited Oreo’s help in the Better Business Bureau’s experiment to expose Internet diploma mills.

This is great news for my plan to make my dog a gynecologist.

Ladies like dogs. Ladies take their pants off for gynecologists. Too perfect a plan you say? We’ll see…

So this next featured Website of the Week comes in three parts.

The first being: that when I was surfing “The Best Engagement Stories of 2008″ at Theknot.com http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/marriage-proposals/articles/best-wedding-proposals-2008.aspx I came upon a story about a man who proposed to his girlfriend via a book in a Barnes and Noble. I was curious about what this “book” looked like and I had hopes that I could find it pictured somewhere online so I looked the name up “Good Times with Emily and Jarrod” in google and I came up with exactly what I was looking for and a lot more.

the Second part of this feature is what I found:

Grant Issac Studios, Emily+Jarrod & The Book

I found the photography Blog of Grant Issac (Photographer) his engagement pictures of Emily and Jarrod themselves with the book in a bookstore…after reading the blog and looking at the amazing engagement photographs.

Mentioned in the blog was the hobby of bride ‘Emily’ called “Emily’s Bride Blog” which is something that I myself would Like to do later in life…make a blog about wedding progress. http://www.preownedweddingdresses.com/blog/category/emilys-bride-blog/ Which becomes the third part of my feature.

So…FIRST, check out the proposal stories at Theknot.com

SECOND, look at Grant Issac Studios Photography…great work

and THIRD check out Emily’s Bride Blog…very cool

Thus Completing my 3 part.

So I’m at it once again, and at this point I’m thinking that Craig would probably want me to be pressing the rewind button.

I was surfing Knot.com trying to plan my future wedding and I found that the website had a section all about “Popping the question”…And I was reading all of the interesting proposal stories. It was really cool because the proposals I’ve heard from friends and family have all been huge and over the top…such as Jonny and Michelle’s Hot Air Balloon, So I kinda want a proposal that is memorable and over the top when someone decides to pop the question to me :D.

On the Knot.com there is a quiz that ‘the man’ can take that asked what kind of a style will ‘she’ have?
Strange since theknot.com is definitely aimed towards woman and wedding coordinators their planning of their own weddings. I was surprised to see a quiz focused to men on there…
Yet, I cheated and I was curious and wanted to know for myself “What my proposal style” was…

This is the result I received:

She wants a destination proposal.
Start booking the flight because she wants to say “yes” far, far away — or at least someplace special. A destination proposal in an out-of-the-ordinary place, like a Venetian gondola ride, a private helicopter over Vegas, or at the top of a volcano in Hawaii, will make the moment memorable for both of you while satisfying her exotic desire.

Very cool and I think it is accurate!…Good Luck whoever tries to propose to me one day…I have HIGH HOPES.

So tonight like many other nights before it…I’m up late/ early morning surfing the web at my mom’s house. I wanted to watch the JK wedding dance again and I was hoping that it would stream smoothly for me this time.

After watching it a couple of times and the rendition of it that was on the Today show I decided that I’d look at more funny wedding videos.

I kept looking through them until I got to one that made me think…

it was a father daughter dance,a father daughter dance is a dance that symbolizes a father’s transition from the predominate male figure in his child’s life to the man who simply raised the child. The father is losing a child and letting her become a woman with her husband. A father daughter dance is used to show that the father is handing over his daughter to his new son in law and it is important that during the course of this dance the new husband is supposed to ask to cut in…and the father is supposed to give him his approval and let him take his daughter this actions shows her step from his house to her husband’s. Now in a lot of weddings it is reversed to the groom dancing first and then the father. Either way it is a nice and festive way to demonstrate that both are the most important men in the bride’s life and they both strive to keep her happy.

It made me think about my current relationship with my father and whether or not he deserves to have that right as my parent and the one who created me.Yes, my father raised me and was in my life until I was 13 but during the vital years of my childhood and all of my teen years my father wasn’t around and wasn’t a very good figure to me.

During the years that my mother was separated and after the year of having a restraining order out against my father my mother became almost like my everything.

During that time my father did try to keep in touch with me and tried to get back into a relationship with me, but I didn’t really want to have anything to do with him since I’d been in the middle of a lot of shit that went down, I didn’t want anything to do with my father after I experienced what my mother went through because of the way he took care of us.

My Dad(Papa) Eric and Cynthia

Life totally changed after my father left for the better and I feel that it was to best way for everyone in my family to survive…after he left my mother and us children struggled to make ends meet and came down on hard times but we persevered.

It seemed when I needed a male figure in my life I would look to my teachers at school or the men in my church or to the boyfriends and male friends that I decided to make. It was like I filled my life with men in order to compensate for my lack of a positive male figure.

We once had a happy life...Mom, dad, Tiffany, Evan and Me...

I have three brothers but they became three different kinds of men. One my older brother Evan doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and hates me and hasn’t talked to me in years he blames me and my mom for everything that happened. My little brother Tyler became much like my father and used his body and his power to abuse and hurt me…he doesn’t like me because I’m a lot like my mother and because he struggles with what kind of my man he wants to be…he seems to be becoming more and more like my father everyday and he resents it. My little brother Eric being young and trapped between the two households at first was upset with everyone who only took my mother’s side on the issues, but he is a quiet observer and he doesn’t want to create any opinions…over the years he’s slowly begun to understand the way my father is behind his many masks and he’s become closer and closer to my mother’s home…though he is in my mother’s home he still blames my mother and I for creating problems with my father, when i try to bond with him he pushes me away.

My Dad and I

So when I think of the father daughter dance in a wedding I can’t help but to think of the men I want there to replace my father.

Not REPLACE my father completely I think it would be rude though ifthere were some things that are traditional in a marriage that were not completed such as:

A) My future fiance didn’t ask my mother AND my father’s permission to marry me to be polite.

or if when it came to a wedding

B) If I were to decide that I do not want my father in my wedding.

or

C) If I didn’t invite him to attend at all.

I feel that having my father at my wedding is much like having him at my graduation…he contributed at one point to the creation of who I am today…and I can still faintly remember the good times, so I feel that it is his right to be a part of it…if he chooses not to attend that is his choice but I have to offer.

So when it comes to a “father” daughter dance I have in my head created a list of men who I would like to dance with me. I’m not sure how I’d go about choreographing it, but I know that it would involve me dancing with one man after the other and being passed off until I ended up with my husband cutting in and asking for my hand. If my father did decided to attend, or if he did decide to participate in my wedding reception I’d either put him as the first man I dance with before being handed off to the other men…or as the last man I’d want to dance with.

My Dad the Last Time I saw him

I read this in an article about the history of the father daughter dance:

Whether your father cannot dance, or maybe it is you that has the two left feet or the father of the bride will not be attending the wedding it is not the end of the world and no reason to completely drop the tradition of dancing into your new life. There are several alternatives that are just as fun as they are festive.

One of the most beautiful and heart warming bride dances I have seen was at my friend’s wedding. Her father had passed away and she thought there would not be a dance at all. Secretly the groom brought roses and had a friend pass them out to all male guests. When it came time the best man lead the bride on the floor and commenced dancing quickly being replaced by all the men one by one each handing her a rose as they danced. At the end the groom cut in and finished the song holding his happy bride holding a great big bouquet of roses and tears of joy in her eyes.

It’s interesting because the tradition would make it the last man but I feel that my dad would need to have earned it. I might put my mother in the last position and my father in the first to show where I place them in who raised me.

I feel that I would want to improve my relationship with my father just for the mere fact that when the time comes I want to be comfortable enough with my dad to ask him to be a part of it and not JUST FEEL OBLIGATED.

Till then these are the names of the men who came to my head when I thought of influential men in my life that I feel I respect and who I can imagine myself dancing with at my wedding: (Not in any particular order)

• Sean Phillips
• Kenneth Parsons
• Kenny McReynolds
• Eric Salone
• Tyler Salone
• Evan Salone
• Ian Morris
• Daniel Slanger
• Todd Wilson
• Mikey Boosalis
• Kyle Parsons
• Tony Matthes
• Some of the Men from Theta Chi (not listed)
• Ron McCreath
• Bob Sedoff
• Reggie Salone
• Jacob Babcock
• Adam Warmansenn
• Alex Jeffery
• Owen Nelson
• Mike Miller
• Michael Von Gross
• Matt Miller
• Taylor Listul
• Matt Johnson
• Dean Weimer
• Doug McQuarrie
• Erik Lundstrom
• Jacque Blackamore
• Jacob Davison-Horwath
• Jacob Long
• Joe Redhead
• Jerry Peterson
• Jon Cushing
• Jevon Barnes
• Jonathon Guter
• Ted Kramer
• Matthew Hill
• Jonny Hoffner
• Kevin Heesen
• Chris Tromley
• Seth Maxon
• Scott Haiden
• Jason Blatz
• Steven Draisey
• Tom Orbison

• >>>>>Craig McCreath (Even though I feel that he will have a different role here)

(Along with any other man who feels like they contributed in making me a better person)

These men listed have a special place in my heart :D!

Here may be something else I can do…

Another way to signalize the step of leaving father’s house and moving on to live with the groom is by having a friendly and humorous competition between father of the bride and groom. It could be a quiz about who knows the bride better, a race or arm wrestling for that matter. The important thing is that the father of the bride is properly cued in to lose at all cost. The winner gets the bride!

If groom and father of the bride are in decent shape you can combine the dance with another old tradition. Take a sheet and cut out a huge heart ( big enough for two) out of the middle. Have several people hold the heart sheet up. The father carries his little girl to the sheet and then hands her off to the groom who carries her through the heart. Sometimes the heart is just drawn on and the young couple has to cut it out with small scissors as a test of compatibility in working through problems before the groom can actually carry his love through.

So if my father Ronnie Bracy Salone is reading this blog right now…which in the past he’s done before I’m turning this into an open invitation to dance with me…I’d like to see if our foot steps will ever be in sync again.

Wow today was so much fun!

I slept in till like 2pm because I’d been up almost all night chatting with Craig till 3am and surfing the net.
Then I went online and I looked at some of my old blogs to see if I had had many spelling errors after correcting them and looking for a few pictures for them I came across a new website that I’d like to feature on my blog…yet another photography website but this website also has a blog http://rootphotography.blogspot.com/.

Root Photography

After surfing the web and it getting really really hot in my attic room at Theta Chi I decided to take a shower to cool off.
While I was in the shower though I let one of the guys in to use the bathroom because I know that no one could see me on the other side of the curtain if I couldn’t see them. But strangely enough when I invited 1 person in others thought that it was alright to come in as well. I was in the shower for an extra half an hour because whenever I wanted to get out another boy came in.

it was HOT in my ATTIC room

I realize that I’ve lost all of my hair products
My curler’s cord was surprisingly cut in half while I was on the DT retreat and I left my straightener in the bathroom at Aldrich church one morning when I hadn’t had time to do my hair at home. the only things I had to do my hair after getting out of the shower where a blow dryer that I stole from home and some hair shine spray…but I made it work out.
After my shower I went downstairs to see what the guys were doing, they were watching something on Television but I got bored and decided to go over to the DT house…that was though after I had called my mom to see if we were going to try to sell my electronics again.

Delta Tau House!

At the DT house Jamie was sitting on the couch watching Boyz in the hood and it made me think about being an african American in Minnesota with all its stereotypes and how life will hopefully become better when I get to Scotland.
My hope for when I headed to the DT house was to finish watching the rest of True Blood season 2 on demand because I hadn’t been able to finish it the other day because I’d been chatting with Craig at the time and he was more important to me.

BoyZ in Da hood

After boys in the hood Jamie got bored of watching tv and ended up leaving…but I think she took the remote with her because when I tried to get to on demand it was no where to be found. While looking through all the couch cushions for it I found 51 cents and gave up on looking for the remote and decided to change the cable channels manually with the cable box…when I tried to get True Blood on demand it did the same thing that it always does to me…the HD didn’t work…it’s strange it works for everyone else but me! Not wanting to watch normal tv and wanting to watch a movie or something on demand I decided to check out some different options.

Poster!

I went to the free movie section and found a movie call Chases Are…It was amazing when I read the description the information said that it was about a woman named Corrine…but I assumed that they had spelt it wrong and that it was actually about a woman with my same name named Corinne….AND I WAS RIGHT… spelled and pronounced the same way the movie chases are was about a woman who had lost her husband. And he ends up coming back to complete his finished business by being reborn in Robert Downey, Jr’s Body! Crazy enough the romance movie came out the SAME YEAR I WAS BORN and it was everything I love in a romance…wonderful..http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097044/ Aubrey came in during the movie which made it all the more fun to watch.

Bat!

After that I ended up going back to the theta chi house and I watched futurama with them. During that time Taylor came downstairs in nothing but a towel yelling that there was a bat in his room. Upstairs I ran with some others and Riley stood in the hallway also in a towel yelling that Baby Jesus had come down from heaven to punish him for being homosexual. It was really funny…we concluded that Riley would go take a shower and Taylor and I would get the bat out of the closet for which it flew…picture this: Taylor got dressed in nothing but his underwear and his leather jacket and armed himself with a walking stick…I had a half of a mountain dew box and a broom. After coaxing the bat out of the closet and much screaming from Taylor and chaos and laughing from me with a broom and a stick Taylor and I got the bat to the ground…I picked it up the bat clenched a towel with it’s teeth but i got it free from the towel and I threw the bat out the open window…I’d never picked a bat up before it was strange, but fun…then I went downstairs. It was SO FUNNY the whole thing…then I came up to my room to write about it and Riley came up fully dressed and asked if I would go to Super America down the street with him…I agreed and after finding Riley’s wallet which took 3 or 4 trips from Riley and Taylor’s cars to the room we were off…And I just got back and I realize that I’ve had a really fun day!