Turk
Scenerio 2: Turkish Dialogue: “Meeting the Parents”
In this second situation Adalet Kaan an independent working female is bringing her first boyfriend home to meet her parents. Adalet is Turkish-American and was raised in the cultural traditions of both her Turkish culture at home and her American culture outside of the household. Her parents are immigrants from turkey who are still living with the values and traditions of their homeland. Adalet is dating Anthony her coworker, he is not familiar with any of the Turkish traditions and he prides himself in his American Irish background. Anthony invited me to come along as a third wheel because he felt that he’d not know what to talk about during dinner and I’m a very social person. Regardless of my being there Anthony is going to try to do his best to impress Adalet’s parents tonight but he is extremely nervous.
This is how some of the night’s dialogue went:
Adalet- I’m so excited that you have finally agreed to come home with me to meet my parents Anthony, I’ve never brought any guy home to them and they’re really excited to meet you.
Anthony- Anything for you babe, as long as your dad doesn’t give me the second degree. I remember I was taking a girl out to a dance once in high school and her father grilled me for an hour about everything I knew about driving safely and safe sex…that was an awkward night!
Corinne- Wow Anthony too much information!
Adalet- I don’t think my father will be that bad.
Anthony- From what you’ve told me about him I’m expecting the worst, you talk about him as if he’s some sort of king.
Corinne-When I go home I have to call my mom and dad sir and mam it’s just how I was taught to address them. I would never call my mom by here first name it would be rude.
Adalet- That’s just our way of showing our parents respect.
(ADALET, ANTHONY and I walked up the walkway and get to the door ADALET rings the doorbell. A man comes and opens the door a woman is standing right behind him)
Adalet- İyi akşamlar! (good evening!) Hello dad I would like you to meet my friend from work Anthony, the manager I told you about. And this is his friend Corinne that I told you would also be joining us for dinner.
(MR..KAAN waves his hand up and down at ADALET and ANTHONY, palm towards the ground and ADALET enters the house, ANTHONY takes her cue and follows her in, I just follow the group.)
Anthony- It’s very nice to meet you Mr. Kaan, and might I add that you are looking quite lovely this afternoon Mrs. Kaan (Walks up and gives Mrs. Kaan a huge hug) I would have suspected that you were Adalet’s little sister rather than her mother. (ANTHONY turns and extends his hand for a handshake with MR.KAAN)
Mr. Kaan- (says nothing and does not take the hand right away he looks from Anthony to his wife, he takes ANTHONY’S hand and then nods)
Mrs. Kaan-(After a long pause) Thank you Anthony.
Corinne-(I whispered this into Anthony’s ear) Way to get all personal and touchy with your future mother in law.
Anthony-(Whispers back) That’s how I treat my own mom…it’s fine.
(I walk up to MR.KAAN introduce myself to him again and I receive the 2 kisses on the cheeks that he offers me, I do the same to Mrs. Kaan.)
(Later while leaving)
Anthony- I had a great time Mrs. Kaan thank you so much for everything, your meal was great! And Mr. Kaan thank you for inviting me into your home and thank you for your hospitality.
Corinne- Yes it was a really great meal thank you Mr.Kaan for inviting us into your home. Mrs.Kaan you did a wonderful job cooking.
Mr. Kaan- (After a long pause) Drive my daughter and your friend back safely.
Anthony- I sure will, My driving skills are A okay (Anthony makes the okay gesture with his fingers and Adalet laughs turns to me and whispers something and I begin to laugh too, MR.KAAN frowns) we’re exhausted and I want to get back to our hotel room before it gets too dark you know how it is when you have a hard day of work tomorrow and you need to get a good nights rest right Mrs. Kaan? What do you do by the…
Adalet- *interrupts* I will see you later Papa Bey…mom the meal was wonderful I’ll call you when I get back to the hotel room that I’m sharing with Corinne and I’ll tell you when I am going to bed okay mama hanim?
Anthony-But I thought you said you’d…
(I step on Anthony’s foot to interrupt him)
Anthony-Ouch! What was that for?
Corinne-Yes, thanks again for everything especially the meal Mrs.Kaan.
Mrs.Kaan- (Nods her approval just as a bell rings in the background)
Mr.Kaan- (Walks away from the door without closing it or saying another word he walks down the hallway takes off his shoes, washes his hands in a basin and enters a room without saying goodbye)
Mrs.Kaan- (Walks to the door and hugs her daughter goodbye then closes the door and heads in the same direction as her husband)
(The couple and I leave, LATER IN THE CAR…)
Anthony- I don’t think your father liked me much, did you see that way he looked at me when I first came into your house? I was only giving your mom a compliment! Did you see how when we left he didn’t even say goodbye?
Adalet- He doesn’t not like you, you just did some things that he’s not used to.
Anthony- Like being polite, he probably doesn’t know what that means. And why did you introduce me as your work friend and not your boyfriend is it that hard to admit that you could like a guy like me? Do they even know we’re dating?
Corinne- I don’t think it was a good idea for you to be all touchy feely with Adalet’s mom. Then you told them that you guys were sharing a hotel room? Wow if I was dating you I’d never bring you home!
Adalet- (Laughs) I have a lot of explaining to do to you.
Anthony- I don’t know what you want to teach me, all I know is that I’m happy to be away from that serious stare of his. I feel bad that I didn’t understand what he meant when he was talking about football and meant soccer. It took me forever to understand why he kept saying goal and not end zone. Remind me not to talk about sports with your father again.
Corinne- I told you it wasn’t a good idea to talk about anything before remember…that was my job. Never mind, I think he was staring at you to get a feel for how you acted and carried yourself, I might be wrong. Other than that, I thought your parents were really nice Adalet!
Adalet-That’s just kind of the way they are.
Though this second hypothetical situation might seem like the average scenario of the daughter bringing her boyfriend home to meet the skeptical parents. There are many reasons why this scenario may be interpreted as an intercultural communication gone the wrong way. The Turkish are famous for making their guests feel welcome. The majority of people a tourist might meet in a place such as Turkey will be friendly and courteous to strangers whether they’re foreign or not. Adalet is making the assumption that her family will welcome her new boyfriend with hospitality because she was raised to expect this cultural communication trait. Personally I had no problem with the situation because I was raised in a similar background and I was comfortable going into the environment. Turkey is a battle between tradition and progressive thought, between Islam and the WASP club of the European countries. The role of women in the society is a tug-of-war, fought with varying degrees of interest and success in different parts of the country. Adalet being a Turkish girl raised in America means that she was given a lot more opportunities than she would have if she had been raised in Turkey as her parents were. In turkey women are not employed in restaurants, cafes and bars. Chefs, waiting staff, and bar staff are almost all male. As an independent working woman Adalet is already part of the Turkish reform for woman. Adalet is bringing home a nontraditional male who knows almost nothing about her Turkish culture that is another problem in this situation. Strangers aren’t allowed to address a wife without addressing and greeting her husband first. When Anthony address Mrs.Kaan before addressing Mr.Kaan he failed to acknowledge the hierarchy of the household, I addressed the couple correctly because I knew this about Adalet’s culture. The Turkish society is definitely a masculine male dominated society. When Anthony addressed Adalet’s mother Mrs. Kaan first before addressing Mr. Kaan, Mr. Kaan took that gesture as a blunt insult. It was only with Mr. Kaan’s permission that Mrs. Kaan was able to talk to Anthony before Mr. Kaan could. Adalet spoke of and to her father with a lot of respect because of her fathers power distance above her. Adalet was raised to show respect for male figures in her Turkish household. Male dominated areas are quite intimidating to woman in Turkey. Adalet wants to introduce Anthony according to what he does for a living because a person’s job is very important in determining their worth in Turkish society. Adalet makes a point to mention that Anthony is a manager at her workplace to her father from the very beginning. In Turkish culture it is common to discuss what may be considered personal information to an America such as what job you do and how much money you make. Anthony feels that Mr.Kaan doesn’t like him when Anthony offers his hand for a handshake. In Turkey where Mr. and Mrs. Kaan are from the handshake is not the most common greeting among friends. A man will greet another man by kissing him on both cheeks. A man will greet a woman also on the same way as I was shown. Anthony also felt uncomfortable with Mr. Adalet staring at him over dinner Turks tend to stare at one another and foreigners more than Western Americans are used to. I thought that Mr. Kaan was just trying to examine how Anthony carried himself; it wasn’t great that Anthony eats like a slob. Anthony did not recognize the gesture that Mr. Kaan gave the couple when they first came to the door that gesture of waving a hand up and down with the palm facing toward the ground is the gesture to come. Adalet did not inform Anthony that the gesture for fine or okay when a circle is formed by touching the forefinger to the thumb does not mean “ok.” in American culture is the gesture for homosexual in Turkish communications. This gesture is seen as offensive by most Turkish men and woman. Adalet laughs at Anthony’s mistake but Mr. Kaan is not pleased by the action and frowns. Adalet is embarrassed by Anthony’s behavior when he shared that the couple is sharing the same hotel room. Bad subjects such as hard work should be avoided during first meetings in a Turkish household because a household and the subjects of the honored guest are considered a place of harmony. A guest in a Turkish household should refrain from asking personal questions of their host. When Anthony asked Mrs. Kaan what kind of jobs she had he was right about to cross a major boundary line in appropriate conversation especially since a woman such as Adalet’s mom would be expected to be a stay at home mother and have no job in Turkish culture. Turkish conversations are often about more recreational and masculine subjects such as sports. The game of soccer or Football is a popular subject; Anthony made the mistake of confusing the sport of American football to the Worlds definition of football. Much of these traits are common sense that aren’t so common in Anthony’s culture. Adalet should have educated Anthony better one what to talk about and how to carry himself in her household. The last communication problem that I saw here in this dialogue is Adalet’s father walking away from Anthony and dropping everything that is going on when a bell timer went off. Almost all of Turkish culture is Muslim and most of the Turkish recognize different times of the day to stop everything that they are doing to pray. Adalet’s father was simply doing what he normally did and he did not mean to be rude when he went to go pray he was simply recognizing his religion. Anthony someone who is Catholic doesn’t recognize different times of the day to pray but he does have the ability to pray when he wants, even then he might not have stopped everything that he was doing to recognize the act.
Solution:
Adalet should have educated Anthony about her culture and some of the things that were taboo in it. And Adalet’s parents should have tried to understand that Anthony did not know all the aspects of their culture and they should have learned to not be offended by that his actions were. It wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Dialogue 2
(In the Car)
Me : Holding a large bouquets of flowers and a wine bottle
Adalet: I told you not to bring that to my grandparent’s house if you want to do business with my grandfather it’s best if you just go and try to be yourself.
Me: I thought you said to be respectful and nice and to bring something that they can use
Adalet: Something personal that they can use a good personality trait. Why did you think my grandparents would use wine? And why did you wear that bright skirt?
Me: Whenever I go out with my grandparents I bring wine I thought yours were the same. I love this skirt it has all my favorite colors, what’s wrong with my Skirt?
Adalet: Just leave it here and we’ll go. Do you remember what I said about that word you have to address my dad by?
Me: Efendim?
Adalet: Yeah, don’t forget to say it.
Me: I looked it up online and that word means master you know!
Adalet: okay so?
Me: How do you not find that offensive?
In Turkish business situations it is very important for the guest not to bring any elaborate gift with them. The establishment of personal relationships is considered first and foremost. I made the mistake of bringing a wine bottle and flowers to my friend’s grandparent’s house because I thought that they would live by the same traditions as my own grandparents. My friend meant to have me bring something that they could use in business that was part of my personality. The problem with my dress is that it was too extreme for the situation I was going into, Turkish business wear is very conservative.
In the next time I need to meet someone who is Turkish for business I should write down good things for us to discuss so we can better get to know each other. I can ask questions but I should avoid prying into the family’s privacy. The Turks are proud of their country and will enjoy answering questions on their culture and history although be sure to avoid political history so it would be beneficial if I wrote questions that pertained to Turkey and asked questions about the culture. I could learn a lot and improve my own communication at the same time I would be practicing active communication with the Turkish person. Active communication is getting someone into a topic they are interested in to spawn great communication. The next time I decided to meet someone new for business I should have set up a neutral outfit that would not distract or take away from my personality. When addressing men it is appropriate to end sentences with the word Bey (bay) and with woman to end with ‘hanim’. A common phrase said by Turks is ‘efendim’ (literally ‘my master’). You may hear this from waiters, secretaries, taxi drivers, doormen, shop staff and many others. It is simply a polite way of addressing people you are not familiar with.
Dialogue 3
Adalet-Hi my name is Adalet I will be your trainer for this position here at camp.
Me- Hi my name is Corinne.
Adalet- Are you comfortable in your current residence?
Me: Yes
Adalet- (Steps closer) Have you Had a decent meal today?
Me: (Leans back) Yes
Adalet-(Steps even closer) Can you tell me something interesting about yourself and something you’ve done this last summer?
Me: (Backs up) well, I went on a small family vacation, that’s about it, what will I be learning today?
Another person in training- I thought we were coming here for training not for ‘lets get to know Corinne time’
Adalet- We’ll find out about that in a moment now we are talking about more important things…What is your favorite color?
When you are being trained by a Turkish person discussion may start slowly, with many questions that may seem irrelevant to the purpose of your visit. It is extremely rude to insist that your colleagues get to the point. I made the mistake of asking why she was asking all the different questions. Another problem is that the person who was training me Adalet is a close talker and I was not used to that.
Instead of jumping to get what I want done I should patiently wait till my coworker has finished asking me questions because I should do the research and know that the only reason for the questions is to improve the business relationship we have. I could have even prepared questions of my own to ask in return, Instead of growing impatient. Instead of backing up when Adalet got into my personal space I should have used the social scene to help me grow more comfortable with inviting people near me without an ulterior motive. Many people only allow people into their personal space when they see benefit in it for themselves.
Works Cited
Findlay, Michael Shaw. Language and communication a cross-cultural encyclopedia. Santa Barbara, Calif: ABC-CLIO, 1998.
O?zk?r?ml?, Umut. Tormented by history nationalism in Greece and Turkey. New York: Columbia UP, 2008.
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